Well, as promised, a fresh new chapter for you to enjoy. I have to admit that I'm currently stuck on writing Episode II. You'd think with the wealth of opportunities in that movie to lampoon there'd be no problem, but I find the movie is a joke on its own. I sense interest in the story has waned (and through no one's fault but my own), so I may just end with Episode I. If anyone would like me to continue then let me know and I'll do my best.

Otherwise, on with the show!

Disclaimer: George Lucas is the lord and master of the Star Wars universe. All hail the mighty flanneled one--just don't mention the "Holiday Special".

9

Identities Revealed and Alliances Forged

For all intents and purposes, I suppose you could call Naboo my "home planet". As such, it was a huge relief to see its peaceful waters and earth fill up the view screen after having to stay on bland Tatooine and busy Coruscant. The view was now only marred by one Trade Federation control ship.

You're going down. I told the droid controlled ship. On principle, I have never been too fond of battle droids. Mass manufactured with shoddy craftsmanship, they're a cruel manifestation of some organics' necessity. It's not entirely their fault then, that they're so problematic.

But their voices are even more annoying than Threepio's sometimes.

During the flight the Queen finally found some way to make good use of our dear Jar Jar Binks. Summoning him to her makeshift throne room where all the "masters" resided, she asked for his help.

"Meesa?" he cried in surprise and alarm.

You? I asked in equal shock.

But, in this instance, the Queen was far wiser than I—fortunately for all of us.

We landed on the planet soon after that and meeting up with some resistance troops we immediately got to work on the plan—getting the Gungans to amass with us and fight against the Trade Federation.

Through the marshes we tramped, Padmé back in her handmaiden disguise while one of her servants masqueraded as the Queen. Jar Jar led the way until he came to a large lake that I presumed he called home. He dove in quickly and was soon back with bad news.

"Daresen nobody dare," he quipped.

They must have heard you were coming. I suggested.

"They could have been taken out," Obi-Wan offered.

That would make Jar Jar the only one left. I shuddered at the thought.

"Mesa no tink so!" Jar Jar said happily as ever. "Gungans go to sacred place! Come on!"

And he waved us deeper into the forest.

My poor treads. I moaned as we weaved around the terrain, looking for Jar Jar's sacred place.

Eventually, Jar Jar actually led us to what looked like an ancient ruin site and let out some kind of strange yell that grated my sensors.

Then, suddenly, to my horror, there were more of them.

Gungans appeared from behind huge statues, tress, and wildlife of all sorts. They stared curiously at the human group as the fake Queen observed them all with a detached demeanor. Eventually, an especially fat Gungan appeared at the top of some sort of statue head and looked down superiorly at all of us.

"Jar Jar! Whosa are deesa?" he boomed out in what I understood was a rather intimidating voice. The effect was slightly marred by the fact that he spoke in that strange dialect that Jar Jar did.

"I am Queen of the Naboo," the decoy presented herself accordingly, standing straight and looking regal. Padmé watched just behind her, eyes focused and alert. Out of the corner of my optic sensor I saw Anakin looking at her worshipfully. Meanwhile, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stood aloof, faces calm as if they knew exactly what was going to transpire.

"I come in peace," continued the handmaiden.

"Yousa Naboo-biggen. Yousa all bombad. Yousa all die'n mesa tink," The leader, apparently Boss Nass as I later learned, said with an especially wicked grin on his face.

Crap. I whistled. Padmé, you'd better come up with something else here fast, 'cuz he sure ain't buying it.

And she did.

"Your Honor…" she began reverently, pushing her decoy aside.

"Whosa is dis?" Boss Nass boomed.

"I am Queen Amidala," Padmé said, finally revealing her true personage. All around us, all the organics, except for her security captain and handmaidens, gasped in surprise. Anakin gaped, mouth wide open when he realized that he'd essentially been hitting on someone not only old enough to baby-sit him, but old enough to rule an entire planet.

Meanwhile, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan shared a knowing look as if they knew about this the whole time.

It wasn't that hard to figure out. I muttered through the commotion. Well, I added somewhat speculatively, It wasn't hard for me to figure out.

Padmé, a.k.a. Queen Amidala, continued placing her case before the leader of the Gungans, eventually even bowing to him.

"We are your humble servants," she told him as everyone around her copied her actions. "Our fate is in your hands."

I would have bowed, but I'm not built for that kind of movement. What a shame.

Boss Nass looked stunned at the humans submitting themselves before him and after a tense moment of silence, the frog burst out laughing.

"Yousa no tink yousa greater dan da Gungans?" He questioned, an absurd smile on his face. "Meesa like dis! Maybe weesa being friends!"

And with that grand pronouncement of friendship and alliance, Padmé led her people forward into new relations with the Gungans and Naboo splendidly. As Anakin shook off his stupor and the Jedi and other officials did the same, I prepared to lead everyone forward in battle.

Then, remembering that Padmé was technically the Queen, and had so far shown that she was a capable leader and skilled diplomat, I graciously allowed her to take control.

And so we developed a three pronged plan to take down the Trade Federation. The Gungans would fight the droid army—with Jar Jar as general, for Force knows why—outside of the city. Meanwhile, the humans would slip inside the palace in Theed, capital city of Naboo, and split into two groups. The first would try to take control of the Viceroy in the throne room. The second group, the resistance pilots, would take to the skies and attack the Trade Federation droid control ship, hoping to take it down and thus destroy the battle droid army that the Gungans would be fighting.

Got all that? Good.

As we prepared to go to battle I noticed that the two Jedi were talking off in the distance. At one point, Qui-Gon placed his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder and the two shared a smile. I was glad to see them clear up whatever argument they were having and noticed that Anakin seemed to be looking a lot better too.

I could only hope he wouldn't do anything stupid during the battle.