Chapter 9: Lingering Question
The lingering question kept me up. 2 a.m., who do you love? I wonder 'til I'm wide awake...
Kate admired the elegantly dressed people surrounding the ballroom. Every time she was invited to an event like this, she relished in how far she'd come. Who would have thought that little Constanza Louise Falconeri would be rubbing elbows with the most esteemed wealthy patrons of New York? Or that she'd be one of them?
Of course, little Connie didn't exist here. Everyone in the room knew her as Katherine Hardwicke Howard. And her presence in this room was as big as her name. She walked tall and erect—shoulders back, chin high. If someone didn't know her, they at least knew that she was someone important. And that was the type of success she'd always longed for. Now that she had it, the power was unstoppable. She felt it, to her very core, and she exuded it back to the world.
Kate Howard was the editor-in-chief at the highly regarded fashion magazine, Crimson, not to mention a co-owner of a chain of elite hotels and founder of a party organizing company. Kate Howard was living the dream.
"Miss Howard?" the annoyingly pitched voice sent a shiver down Kate's back.
"What is it, Maxie?"
She looked at her first assistant at Crimson, Maxie Jones, as dismissively as she always did, and didn't even bother to look at her second assistant, Leslie Spencer, who stood at Maxie's side.
"Um, we just wanted to see if there was anything else you needed from us before we went off to enjoy the party."
"I'm sorry, before you did what?"
Lulu stayed silent as Maxie rephrased her statement.
"Oh, you know, before we go spreading the good word about Crimson, sparking people's interest and the like."
"Right," Kate answered curtly. When the girls did or said nothing more, Kate tilted her head at them. "Well? Go!"
Maxie and Lulu nodded before scurrying away. Kate really did hate dealing with those two. Unfortunately, they were the most competent employees she could find. She looked after them to make sure they were truly out doing her bidding, when a broad-shouldered young man approached the two. He was obviously flirting with one of them, and Kate began to seethe as she followed after them. Those two could turn into mush at the sight of a man. As she neared the blondes however, she got a closer look at the man with them. He looked so familiar. Too familiar. That dark slightly curled hair, those playful brown eyes, his big smile and equally booming laugh at something Lulu said. He was a perfect mix of his parents.
Kate Howard quickly changed her path, her heart racing as she held her breath in search of a place to think. When she made it to the ladies' room, she was grateful that no one else was inside. She gripped one of the sinks and stared at her reflection in the mirror above it.
Kate Howard didn't cry. She stopped doing that once she stopped being weak. Connie Falconeri was weak. And she wasn't her.
Seeing that boy—God, he's a man now—sent Kate reeling backwards. She had escaped that life. She made sure she would have no reminders of it. Turns out, New York isn't as big as she thought.
Bensonhurst, New York, 1977
Connie and her cousin and best friend, Olivia, walked side-by-side down the street of the old neighborhood. They were laughing about some kid who was trying really hard to find the courage to ask Connie out. She felt bad about it initially, because she would have never been that brave.
Of the two cousins, Liv was definitely the more boisterous. She would tell you everything on her mind and didn't care if you wanted to hear it or not. And she was tougher. With her big mouth and unexpected brawn, the fifteen-year-old had started and finished quite a few fights in her short life.
On that summer day on that very sidewalk, is where they met the love of their lives. Of course back then, they mostly just thought he was cute. He saw the girls from across the street, and the dimpled kid ran over to them. Their lives would be changed forever because of Sonny Corinthos.
Everybody in the neighborhood knew who he was; his family was like the richest people most of them ever met. Despite the fact that the Corinthos family had been part of the town since before it was even named, the older folks speculated that the only reason they stayed in Bensonhurst was to rub their wealth in everyone else's face. That didn't matter to Connie or Olivia, though. They fell for his smile.
Sonny would stop them whenever he saw them, teasing Connie and flirting with Liv with expertise beyond his sixteen years. And the cousins blushed and rolled their eyes accordingly. There was an unspoken agreement between the two of them that they both wanted him. Their silent competition caused some tension between them and sometimes the clueless Sonny, but they were still as close as sisters. So when Sonny started officially dating Olivia, Connie bowed out gracefully.
Fall, 1979
Connie was a good Catholic girl. Olivia and Sonny would tease her about constantly being on her knees praying. But it was true. One day, a little time after her great-aunt Sophia died, Sonny found her in the otherwise empty church lighting a candle. She was surprised to see him there given all of his wisecracking, but he assured her that he knew how to pray, and that day he needed a little prayer. So Connie lit a candle with him and sat with him in silence. When she looked at him and saw tears down his cheeks, she said nothing. She held his hand for almost an hour while they sat, until he let go and thanked her, offering to walk her home.
Sonny never did tell her what upset him so much that day, but over the following weeks, she noticed that he didn't tease her so much like she was his little sister. He tried to include her in outings with Olivia, and even hung out with her on his own. That's when those feelings for him that she thought she'd gotten over so long ago came back to the surface. It didn't help that he smiled at her the way he did. But she was a loyal person, and she would never act on those feelings. Betraying family was the last thing she ever wanted to do.
The first time Sonny kissed her, he'd just broken up with Olivia for the third time. It was for good, he'd said. Still, Connie slapped him with equal passion shortly after his lips left hers. He tried to explain that he and Olivia would never work because he was in love with Connie, that he always wanted her. She was furious that he never said anything about it before he was in so deep with her cousin and that he had the gall to do it now. But he was so charming and convincing, telling her that Liv would understand and forgive them. Connie wasn't so sure, but she told Sonny that if he talked to Olivia about the possibility of them getting together—without letting on that she had any idea about this because Liv scared the crap out of her sometimes—and if by the grace of God she gave her approval, she would consider it. It was a very long shot, but Sonny was up for the challenge. It thrilled Connie to know how much he wanted her, but she kept her hopes low; could she really go through with it?
That night, Olivia confided in her favorite cousin that she was about three months pregnant, and Connie had her answer. She told Liv to go to tell Sonny and demand that he make an honest woman out of her. Olivia told her that she loved Sonny, but she wasn't in love with him; she didn't want to marry him. Connie told her to think about the baby; Liv called Sonny that night. He came over first thing in the morning. Liv asked Connie to be there for emotional support, so when he walked in and saw them—hands held, Liv wiping away tears—he thought that Connie decided to tell her. But when the blonde gravely told him to have a seat, he listened as Olivia gave him the true news.
Connie's heart broke in a million ways that day, for her cousin and Sonny, for herself. But she stayed by Liv's side, through telling her mother, to the doctor's appointments, to the church wedding. She watched her cousin blossom with the child of the boy she couldn't have. She was more Olivia's husband than Sonny was, even though the young Mrs. Corinthos had moved into his family home. Sonny's single father provided financial support, and Sonny played his role. He talked to Liv's stomach, and he made sure everything was ready for the baby. He must have been terrified, but he was taking it in stride. He was doing everything he was supposed to. But Connie would still catch him watching her longingly, and she felt that same pang. Nothing would ever come of it, though sometimes she would fantasize about being in Olivia's shoes, having a child she loved with the man she loved. She considered her thoughts sinful, and tried to pray them away as much as possible.
The late winter night Dante Corinthos was born, his mother died. Sonny was confused; what was he supposed to do now? Connie was devastated. She never even saw the baby. She didn't want to. It was her fault. They say to be careful what you wish for, and she wasn't. A world without Olivia didn't make sense to her. She had been waiting anxiously in the waiting room with the rest of Dante's family when the doctor told them the news after telling Olivia's mother and Sonny privately. She didn't remember how she got home, but she stayed in bed crying for days after, until her mother dragged her out of bed and forced her to go to school.
Everywhere Connie went held a memory with Olivia, and she was dying to get out of there. So she worked hard, ignored Sonny once he started back at school, she worked at the bakery, and kept her head down. She graduated high school at the top of her class. She got accepted to Princeton. She was ready to get the hell out of there.
At graduation, after walking across the stage, Sonny pulled her aside before she could get to her family. He looked different to her. Tired, and sad. He stared at her forever before congratulating her. He asked if she wanted to see Dante; his dad had brought him. She said no. He asked what schools a genius like her got accepted to. Too many to remember off the top of her head, she told him. Her answers made him even sadder.
"Will you stay?" he finally asked.
She knew that he was probably aware of her plan to run away. He knew her too well. Could she stay? It hurt to be everywhere Olivia wasn't, and there weren't a whole lot of options for her future here. She couldn't be with Sonny, not with the guilt she carried, and she certainly couldn't be around her cousin's son, a constant reminder that she was gone.
"For me?" His voice broke, and his miserable-looking eyes broke her heart, and for a moment he had her again. Could she give it all up, handle a life with him?
The moment was broken by a piercing cry. Sonny instinctively turned to the familiar sound, and Connie had an answer. She left before he could return to her, stating her decision. She never saw Sonny after that day.
She moved out of Bensonhurst. She went to Princeton and worked hard every day to maintain her full scholarship. She worked her way up to editor at the magazine Couture, and changed her name to Katherine Hardwicke Howard. She had no contact with the world she left behind, except for letters her mother or aunts would send her, often with pictures. In a few of them, she saw a little boy playing with the other kids or sitting on Olivia's mother's lap. She thought of asking who he was, but she already knew. A confirmation wouldn't matter. She asked her relatives to stop sending her pictures.
She looked at herself in the mirror, watched as that coward Connie Falconeri reappeared. Kate Howard knew two things: business, and fashion. Kate Howard didn't know anything about family or love or loyalty.
Kate Howard didn't cry. It was foreign to her. But when she saw that kid just then, she remembered those pictures. She felt again what she felt back then: shame. She left behind to only piece she had of Olivia, and never looked back. She left her heart in Bensonhurst.
She lifted her hand to her face to wipe away a stray tear. Connie Falconeri knew a thing or two about crying.
