Now I know, that I can't make you stay,

But where's your heart?

-My Chemical Romance

Elijah Goldsworthy sat down in the tattered and worn chair in a place he'd become all too familiar with. A Hospital. No, he wasn't here for himself, but he very damn well could be. His hands wouldn't stop shaking, no matter how hard he clasped them together, and his converse clad foot wouldn't stop erratically against the dirty linoleum floor. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get his racing pulse to relax, and he couldn't keep the worry from rising as bile into his mouth, even though he kept fighting it back down.

Dragging the heels of his palms down his face, Eli hid his head in his arms, unwilling to let others see how scared and vulnerable he'd become. He felt a small hand pat him on the back, and he looked up to see Adam sitting next to him, soda in hand. Adam reached towards Eli with it, murmuring,

"Here, dude, you need this more than I do." Smiling weakly, Eli took the cold can from Adam but didn't drink it. Instead, he rotated it in his hands, desperate to find something that would get the image of Clare lying in her own blood out of his godforsaken head. He jumped back involuntarily as the cool metal reminded him of how cold her hands had felt. The blood. All the goddamn blood. It filled his mind and that's all he could see when he shut his eyes.

'No, stop, Eli! Don't go down this path! Clare is okay! Clare will be okay. Breathe. Breathe', he told himself desperately. But he couldn't breathe. No. The blood, her blood seeped into his brain, and it made his heart wrench and beat wildly in response. This reminded him of Julia. This was déjà vu. He had been sitting in the same fucking hospital the night Julia died. No, she didn't kill herself.

He killed her. He, Elijah fucking Goldsworthy, killed his ex-girlfriend. No, not directly, of course. They had gotten into an argument over how Julia couldn't deal with how fucked up he was, and he had pleaded with her to listen to him, to hear him out. Julia hadn't listened. She just talked over him, shouting that, ' "For someone who didn't want drama, your whole messed up self brings a whole fucking lot of it! '" Eli had frozen, and struggled to detach himself from his emotions, and had responded with a cold, "Yeah? Well if you don't like it, get the fuck out! You never had to stay!"

Inside, he had been dying, screaming at himself for saying that. Because, he knew that once those words had left his mouth, he would never see her again. And the world made damn sure he had been right about that. April 22nd. That was the fateful night that his words became true. Julia had died. She had taken off on her bike, devastated and angry, and was ultimately hit by a car. It was exactly 11:45 when the hospital had called and had informed him of what happened.

It had been 11:59 when he had made it to the hospital, rushing there faster than a hurricane. 12:06 when he found himself sitting in the waiting room, waiting for permission to see her. And it had been five fucking more minutes later when the doctor had come out with Julia's sobbing mother and tear-stricken father in tow. He had been right. It was all his fault. All his fault. All his fault. All his fucking fault.

He shook himself out of his thoughts, forcing himself to forget that night. It didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was Clare. He turned as he felt piercing blue eyes stare holes into him, and had he not known who was sitting next to him, he would've mistaken it to be Clare. "What, Adam?" he snapped, too agitated and worried to have Adam attempt to lighten the mood.

"Yo, dude. I know what you're thinking. It's not your fault, Clare did what she did for whatever reason," Eli cut him off with an angry glare before he continued, "Which we'll find out when she wakes up. Okay? So chill." He rolled his eyes at Adam, and was about to make a sarcastic retort when the doctor stepped out in to the room from god-knows-where. "Uhh, Mr. and Mrs. Edwards… and Elijah Goldsworthy?" Adam huffed out an annoyed sigh before adding, "And one Adam Torres!"

The doctor stared at him bemusedly for a moment before going on. "Yes. Um, right. Ahem. Well, Ms. Edwards is awake now, if you'd like to see her." He produced two bottles out of his pocket before handing them to her mother. "Those bottles there are painkillers and the other one is anti-depressants. She'll be needing to take both of them twice a day, two tablets each." He looked at Mrs. Edwards who was about to ask him the question he was about to answer. "And yes, Clare is fine. The cuts aren't too deep, aren't too shallow, but she's fine. It's just the excessive blood loss that put her in the woods." Her mother nodded.

"So, I should probably go get things ready at home then," she said, rather dismissively. Her husband stared at her in shock, almost shouting, "Helen!" She raised her eyebrows at him, snidely replying, "Well, in her condition, Clare really isn't well enough to make her bed and such now, is she, Randall?" Randall shook his head at her dejectedly, mumbling a meek 'thank you' to the doctor, before practically dragging Helen out of the hospital by the arm.

Finally, the doctor motioned for Adam and Eli to follow, which they eagerly did. He finally stopped when they reached a door, and opened it. There lay Clare, his beautiful girlfriend, staring boredly at the ceiling. She quickly looked up when she heard the door open, and her face broke out into a guilty frown.

Her doctor had decided that it was alright for Adam and Eli to be alone with her, so they took the two vacant seats next to her. Adam was faster than Eli at asking her what they both wanted to know. "Why, Clare?" Her big blue eyes were dim, no sparkle left in them. She stared down at her hands, giving a half-shrug before answering.

" I'm still not over what he did to me…and no, Eli, therapy just isn't for me. And I just feel so god-damn guilty, yes that's right, I swore. Anyway, I feel so guilty that you guys dropped everything just to try and help clean up this pathetic mess I became…I just wanted out. I didn't want to feel pain, I didn't want to feel guilt, I didn't want to feel anything. I didn't want to be alone- -" she was cut off by Eli claiming indignantly, "But, Clare, you weren't alone! We were here!"

Clare just stared at him, as if she didn't believe him. "Yes, yes I know you guys were here, but you had no idea what I was going through!" She almost cried, as she felt the tears prick her eyes.

"You wouldn't let us in on your feelings, you insisted you were fine, especially after the therapist! How can you possibly expect us to know what you don't tell us?!" Eli felt a scream of frustration build in his throat, but he bit it back down, looking at the vulnerable girl in front of him.

"I didn't know how… I was scared, Eli! I'm scared I'm going to be too much for you to handle one day, and that you're going to lose it again! I can't hurt you like that, I won't hurt you like that! That's why… that's w-why…" She trailed off, as tears began to block her vision.

Eli sighed heavily, raking a hand through his hair, before he forced himself to look into her broken eyes. "That's why, what, Clare?" he asked as calmly as possible.

"That's why… I did it. So you didn't have to deal with the drama that was thrown at you because of me. I did it so you'd be happy, Eli, so that one day you could find someone who really knew…" Eli's eyes darkened dangerously, as he growled, "Don't you dare finish that sentence, Clare Edwards." She shrunk back slightly in fear at his tone, remembering the way Fitz's eyes had looked. Eli noticed this, and Adam placed a hand on his wrist to calm him down, which he did.

"Clare, Is there something you're not telling us? Because, if there is, you know for a fact you can tell us." The smaller boy said softly. That's all he had to say before Clare burst into teachers, sobbing into het hands. "Clare…" Eli had started to say, his features softening, before Adam signaled for him not to continue. She cried for a few more minutes, before wiping her now reddened eyes.

"Eli… I'm so, so scared you're going to leave me.." she sniffled and looked away in shame. He grabbed her hand and held it in his firmly, tightly. "Clare Diane Edwards, nothing you do could ever make me leave you." She gulped before willing herself to look into his brilliantly bright green eyes. "I'm scared that you'll never love me the same way again after what happened, and I'm scared of making you angry…because…because…"

Her face scrunched into another sob, and Eli quickly gathered her in his arms, burying her head into his chest. "No. No. Clare, god, no. I will always love you, no matter what. Believe me, Blue Eyes. You are my fucking everything and I won't leave you because of what that sick bastard did to you. And you best believe that I would never hurt you, ever. I would take a knife to the eye before I'd ever even dream of laying a hand on you. I love you too much."

She wrapped her frail arms around his waist and sobbed freely. They stayed like that for what seemed like forever, until Clare broke away from him. What she said next made Adam and Eli both gasp. "I know it's going to take a lot more for me to overcome my fears… but I have to do this."

"What, Clare? What do you have to do?" Adam and Eli asked in unison.

"I need to see Fitz. I need the first part of my closure."

Here's Chapter 9! Would greatly appreciate reviews for this 2:AM chapter. Haha (: Anyways, hope you all like this chapter, and will be updating soon. P.S thought I'd give a little more background on Eli as this is turning out to be a very Clare-centric fic. Hope you all like how I twisted Eli and Julia's fight around a bit, and isn't Clare's mom such a bee-yatch?