Chapter 9 Flashbacks

Flashback 1 Hospital 4th March

Couple's Therapy session - Dr Christine Willks

Good afternoon Ana, Christian

Ana can you explain to Christian how your are feeling In regard to some of the choices he made while you where unable to have any input, I can feel that I am rubbing my hands together knotting my figures together, I know I do this when I'm nervous, why am I so nervous? Because if I say how I really feel there is no turning back,

Christine notices my nervousness and asks would I like a glass of water? "Yes please" I whisper.

Christine – "Ana can you say why you are so nervous today"

I shake my head,

Christine "ok, can I take you back to the day you woke up, when you became aware of whom you are"

Ana - "yes" I again whisper.

Christine – "How did you feel"?

Ana – "Happy, for a while I had had dreams for want of a better word, I now think I was aware of Christian coming to see me for a while before I woke up, I remember him asking Grace when will she wake up mom, he sounded so sad, I had to wake up so he wouldn't be sad anymore, so I conscientiously tried to move my little finger in his hand"

Christian – "and you did baby you did you came back to me"

Christine – "Ana can you say how you feel today?"

Again I shake my head

Christine - "why"?

Ana - "Christian won't be happy anymore"

Christine - "why"

Ana - "he just won't, can we talk about something else"

Christine - "ok what would you like to talk about?"

Ana – "When can I go home?"

Christine – "soon Ana soon"

Christine – "how do you feel when you say home Ana?"

Ana – "happy, loved, cherished"

Christine – "that's good Ana, really good, but in order to stay feeling loved and cherished we have to talk about why you think your feelings will make Christian unhappy"

Ana – "no"

Christine – "how did you feel when you realized you where no longer pregnant?"

Ana – "like I wanted to die, we had only known about blip, that was "his" name for a few days, but I felt like someone ripped my heart out"

Christine – "and when you found out you had given birth to a gorgeous little girl"

Ana – "so excited, I couldn't wait for Christian to bring her to see me"

Christine – "what picture did you have in your head when you were told you had given birth to a little girl?"

Ana – "a little girl one maybe two years old with Christian's eye's and temper and maybe with my hair"

Christine – "and when you found out that she is almost eighteen?"

Ana – "like my baby was stolen from me"

Christine – "and when you found she had been raised by your aunt and uncle?"

Ana – "betrayed"

Christine – "betrayed is a strong word Ana"

Ana – "well it's what happened I was betrayed by the person I trusted with mine and my child's life"

Christine – "who is that person Ana?"

Ana – "can't tell you" I whisper

Christian – "its me, I betrayed you?"

Ana - "yes you did" I scream and collapse in great gulping sobs.

Flashback 2 Hospital 6th March

Couple's Therapy session - Dr Christine Willks

Good afternoon Ana, Christian

The last time we met we had a very difficult session which I know was very distressing for both of you and you have both had individual counselling sessions since

Christine – "Christian how did you feel when Ana was so upset over your decision not to raise your child yourself?"

Christian – "like I let her down, but I couldn't, I just couldn't"

He starts to hyperventilate, some other doctor comes in and gets him to calm down so we can start again, I am worried about him but still so hurt and angry, I'm not sure about this I just want to go home and be loved by Christian, all the other shit, I just want to forget it, why does Christine keep insisting on picking at it like it's a scab.

Christine brings me back to the here and now, asking are you ready to start again Christian? Yes he whispers

Christine – "Ana you said last time we met he betrayed you, do you still feel that way?

Ana – "yes"

Christine – "can you expand on that, what makes you felt betrayed by the situation?"

Ana – "I know you said you weren't ready to be a father but it happened, you had eight months to sort your shit out and be their for her, OMG I can't believe you just gave her away like she was nothing, like worse than nothing, like some trash you needed rid of"

And now I am screaming, feeling like I'm going to pass out.

Christian – "OMG no, I didn't feel like that, she was/is the most precious thing in my life alongside you, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, I saw how Rose was with her, yes mom and Kate were the same but they would have been on my case everyday come see your daughter, she needs you. I would never have found my way to her myself, and I needed to do that, I will admit I didn't know that at the time I didn't know she would crawl into my heart and become along with you and Grace my saviour, but I knew I needed her safe and loved and never bar maybe Mia was a little girl so loved and cherished,

Ana – "how can I know that?"

Christian – "the first thing we are going to do as soon as you are well enough is go and visit with her"

Ana – "how can I do that, how can I disrupt her life?"

Christian – "she knows all about you and has photos and stories,

Ana – "But she is adopted, a closed adoption so no one can find out who we are"

Christian – "Oh darling, darling that's to protect her and the family from the media, she knows who we are and has since she was about 4

Christine – "does that make it feel a little less like he betrayed you?"

Ana – "yes a little I think"

Christine – "I think that enough for today, unless there is anything else either of you wish to bring up today.

A/N I am not a therapist nor have any experience of therapy so this is just from my imagination and hope I haven't offended anyone.

A few reviewers have said she let him off so this is just a little part of how they got to be ok, it's just how I as Ana would feel it's not necessarily how anyone else would feel