A letter from Wakefield High School.
Mark,
Man, I thought I told you I wasn't going to help you out with Maureen. I thought I told you it was all up to you, that you need to become your own man. That being said, I'll make you a deal. Find me one of your private school chicks who isn't too prissy to hook up with and I'll give you everything you need to know about Maureen Johnson, okay? I'm going to take that as a yes, and let you know everything now, though I expect payment soon. But don't tell the girl I called her payment. I don't think they like it when we talk about them like money.
Anyway: Maureen.
When she says she wants to have sex with you, she probably means it. You should write back to her, suggest a meeting place, and then take her home with you. Or I could probably throw a party sometime soon, and give you guys the opportunity if your parents are always home or something.
She has this fascination with socially awkward people (which is why she's so into you), so if she starts sounding like a science experiment, answer her questions and try to ignore the rest.
She really, really likes dark chocolate, red lipstick, children, long hugs, taping things to her wall/locker/friends, going to plays, dressing up in ball gowns from second hand stores, guys in bowties, drawing with chalk, thunder storms and fire. Don't let her near, like, half of those things.
If you wanted to take her somewhere, it should be somewhere with a 'soul' (her words, not mine). Somewhere like a museum or a poetry reading or something would work, I guess.
And most importantly, WATCH THE FUCK OUT. Because as great as Maureen is, she's…I don't know, a free spirit or whatever you want to call it. She might be saying that she's in love with you, but whatever you do, don't fall in love back. She'll ruin you, man. Just keep it in mind.
-Roger
