She would be so disappointed.

What have you become?

Why are you like this?

What the hell is wrong with you?

When did you become so worthless?

Cas stared at his white wall, contemplating on ending his life right there. He wasn't crying this time, he couldn't feel anything, he needed to feel, for just a moment. The voices were flooding Cas's head, telling him awful things about himself; they were harsher than before and some of them were about Dean. It was only a matter of time before he hurt him, only a matter of time before he let him down. Again.

He pulled his sleeves up of his white button up and looked at the scars and the scabbed over cuts, almost healed. There were so many, he didn't know how this happened, and he didn't understand. Why is this happening? He thought to himself. Was it because it was supposed to be him dead and not his mother? He stepped into his bathroom; before grabbing the blade, he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked into his own eyes, thinking about his old life; his friends, his family, and his ex. Everything was so simple then, he was happy. His mother was beautiful, inside and out, the wreck shouldn't have happened. He shouldn't have asked to go.

*Flashback*

"Cassie!" He heard his mother yell, she wrapped her arms around him tightly. He had just broken up with Gadreel and he was fighting back tears. "Oh Cassie, what happened?" She asked, she was short, long dark hair, and concerned blue eyes. "Gadreel broke up with me." He lied, his voice wavering, her eyes turned sad, "I'm sorry, baby..." She wiped the tear away from his cheek. "He was a dick anyway." She smiled softly and Cas laughed slightly. "He was because he was also cheating on me." Cas closed his eyes, they felt like little waterfalls. This was a few days before the wreck.

They sat on the couch, his head on her chest with her softly singing Mama, I'm Coming Home to him, playing with pieces of his hair.

The first week of taking care of his dying mother was the hardest. Softly singing all of her favorite songs to her, holding her hand, and feeling like there was a hole in his chest. The only two people who truly cared for him are dead. That's when the cuts began. The first cut was the worst because he could feel her there, he could feel her disappointment.

"It's okay to let go, mom. You can go, you don't have to stay here, you don't have to suffer anymore. I'll be okay." He could feel the lump in his throat growing, and he could feel the hot, heavy tears go down his cheeks. He looked at her closed eyes, wishing he could see them again, her happy blue eyes. He brought her hand up and kissed it, then the machine flat lining. She was gone, truly gone. He put his head against her hand and cried. The last shred of happiness he had, was gone.

*Flashback end*

He was trying so hard not to punch the mirror so he wouldn't have to see the monster staring back.

Gadreel was a whole other story; Gadreel made Cas feel like he was the only person on the planet, Gadreel made Cas feel wonderful. Little kisses, long, warm hugs, and he made Cas feel special. But then swim started, Ezekiel came in and then everything went downhill. He slowly stopped saying, "I love you" and quickly stopped hanging out with him. It had been because Cas wasn't good enough. Cas sighed, his happiness had disappeared in the blink of an eye.

*Flashback*

Gadreel pulled Cas into a sweet embrace and softly kissed his cheek, Castiel stiffened. This was the first time he had touched him in two weeks. "What's wrong, Castiel?" He asked, letting go of him. Cas knew about Ezekiel because he had seen it himself. "Nothing." Castiel said plainly. Gadreel rolled his eyes, "Fine." Gadreel walked over to Zeke and started "talking" with him. Touching his sides lightly and laughing.

Cas took a deep breath and walked into the men's bathroom, he splashed water on his face. "Hey Cassie~" Zeke stepped behind him, "You know, your boyfriend and I have a very special date tonight. Wait- did I say that he was yours? He's mine now." Castiel narrowed his eyes, "Fuck off." Cas said, before he could stop himself. Zeke laughed, "Come again? Are you trying to defend yourself?" Zeke laughed, "That's cute." Zeke shoved Cas. He stared at him, "Leave me the fuck alone." Zeke shoved him again, "What are you gonna do about it? You know, Gadreel has told me so much about you, and that I'm better than you'll ever be. He loves me, not you." Castiel dug his nails into his palms, "Congratulations, again, what do you want? To show me how much of an asshole you really are? Do you have some psychological problem? Maybe a problem at home? Maybe with your dad? Who knows." Zeke threw the first punch, busting Cas's bottom lip open. Cas laughed and wiped his lip, and looked back at Zeke, and threw a punch, knocking Zeke to the ground, and kept hitting him. After four punches, Cas threw his backpack on his shoulder and walked out of the bathroom. "Castiel, what happened?" Gadreel grabbed Cas's arm. "Fuck off. Oh, and you might want to check on your boyfriend in there, he's pretty hurt." Cas jerked his arm away and walked out the school doors, he could miss swim practice that day.

*Flashback end*

He looked at the time, it was 7:30 a.m., Dean should be calling soon. "Hey Cas." Dean walked in his room, making Cas jump and jerk his sleeve down. "Jesus you are silent." He said, staring at Dean, his white shirt fit him just right. Dean smiled, "I'm Batman." Sam walked up behind him, he was younger but was certainly taller. "Yeah. You're Batman." He said sarcastically. "Why are you in here, Sammy?" Sam gave Dean the "bitchface" and said, "I came to get Gabriel up, and it's Sam." He rolled his eyes and walked off. Dean shrugged, "Why are you sitting here in the quiet?" Cas shrugged slightly, looked down, and raised an eyebrow slightly. "I'm just thinking." He looked back up and licked his lips quickly. Dean would never like him in that way, he just pitied him...

He watched Cas in class, he always looked so focused, it was adorable. Dean looked at Lisa beside him, she bit her lip and winked at him. "I can't wait for tonight." She whispered in his ear. She wanted to have sex, to put it bluntly. He nodded with a smile forming on his lips, he didn't want "just sex", with Lisa, it didn't feel like there was any connection, and Dean wanted more, something different, someone different. He looked over to Cas, who was writing in his notebook, his eyebrows knitted together, he was completely focused. His lips together, his eyes quickly scanning the paper. Dean tore off a piece of paper and wrote, 'Your a dork', folded it, and tossed it on his desk. Cas jumped slightly, opened the note, wrote, and tossed it back. Shaking his head at Dean. He opened it and it said, "You're*. Tend to your grammar, it seems to be off." He looked up, making eye contact with him, then stuck his tongue out.

Lisa brought him into a kiss, she was so amazing at times. "I miss you." She said, wrapping her arms around him. "I miss you too." They were sitting in his room, just the two of them. Dean held back a sigh, he was worried Cas. "What's on your mind, babe. You seem a bit off." She said, looking up at Dean with her chocolate eyes. "Nothing, I'm just kinda worried. That's all." He kissed her forehead. "What are you worried about?" She asked, then put her head on his chest. "Cas, he's just dealing with a lot of crap right now." He could practically feel her eye roll. She let him go and laid on his bed.
"I miss you, Dean." She said. Oh. That's just what you want. "You know, we haven't been doing it in over a month. It's not right." She said, she stood up and began taking her shirt off. "And we're going to, right now. Lock your door." Dean bit the inside of his lip and locked the door. He didn't want to, but he would. He took off his shirt and by her instructions, laid back on the bed.

Cas wasn't feeling too good, his heart was pounding, his head was messed up, and he couldn't control his breathing. He was having an anxiety attack. He was pacing back and forth in his room, messing with his fingers and attempting to control his breathing.
He began texting Dean, but Dean didn't answer. His aunt got him a new phone, he told her that he had fell on it.

Cas: Dean, I don't mean to bother you but I need to talk.

Cas: Please?

Both of them we're 10 minutes apart.

Why would Dean care anyway?