ZAFT of the radiance
Inside Dr. Weird's lab, somewhere in the South Jersey shore. Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, behold! A new character! The shutter opens to reveal Kyuubei just staring. Geno: Hes pretty cute actually. This might work out after all. Kyuubei: Form a contract with me! If you do you can get anything you wish for, and superpowers to kill stuff with! Geno: I already have superpowers. Geno flare and stuff. Kyuubei: Your powers suck! They only helped in the beginning and with Exor. But you were pretty much replaced by Peach and Bowser when they joined. Besides don't you have a wish? Geno: Well, I do want to appear in games again. (determined) Fine, I'll do it Kyuubei: (smiling) Great! Now stand still while I suck out your soul. Geno: (cheerfully) Okay, (confused) Wait, what? Kyuubei uses his powers to turn Geno's soul into a gem. Geno's body drops to the floor and stays there. Kyuubei: Well that sucks. (smiling) Oh well, hey chubby! (looks at Dr. Weird only to notice he disappeared) He's faster than he looks. (stares at the audience) Would you like to form a contract? I can turn you all into Puella Magi ya know. Free superpowers, seriously. Don't worry about the details. You can get whatever you want, just look at Geno! (Camera shows Geno's lifeless body lying there then goes back to Kyuubei who smiles) Just do it!.
Announcer: Fifteen minutes can give you superpowers. Call1-800-GIV-SOUL, do it now, results may vary, satisfaction guaranteed.
Chapter 8: A Pokemon Easter special
written by Aliasoddity
Aliasnotes: The current story does NOT describe my personal opinion on Pokemon. This is all done for the sake of comedy. (smiles like Frylock) We also introduce my annoying college roommate, Kyubei from Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica. He will be serving as assistant editor while the heat dies down in his show, don't ask...
Kyubei: (smiling nonchalantly) How are you all? Hope you enjoy this show. Because I know where you live and all your horrible secrets. And I WILL tell them to the authorities so they can lock you up and the local gangs WILL turn you into their bitches. Enjoy! aliasoddity: (shocked) You sick fuck... No wonder those fourteen year old girls want you dead... Kyubei: (still smiling) Sticks and stones alias, stick and stones. Unlike you who uses violence to get his way, I do things with finesse, and I am very cute while committing unspeakable acts of cruelty and douchiness. aliasoddity: I know, I saw the show...
Anyway, for once we do not begin our story at our heroes mansion. Instead we find Athrun Zala in a conspicuously out of place forest in the middle of Beverly Hills, basically taking a hike to clear away his mind and troubles. Athrun: (relaxed) This is great!
I should have thought of this long ago. Finally some peace and quiet, no retard Kira, pyro Shinn, broke ass Beecha, or "Can you feel the sunshine?" Tails doll. Just peace and quiet. Suddenly Athrun spots a clearing with the Pokemon Pikachu. Squirtle, Woobat, Torchic, Tepig, Zorua, Chikorita, Weedle, Pidove, Vulpix and Piplup. Arranging a manger for some reason, the Pokemon spot Athrun and the two sides pause awkwardly. Pikachu: Hello friend! How are you? Athrun: (surprised) Did you just speak? Pikachu: Of course! Anyway did you come to witness the resurrection of our savior? Athrun: Savior? Weedle: Yeah! You know! The Messiah of legend. Athrun: I, guess? Tepig: Maybe he is the chosen one. Woobat: You mean the one that will defeat Team Rocket, so that we may bring the Messiah back to life? Tepig: Yeah!,Athrun: (suspiciously) So what do I get? Squirtle: Power and glory? Athrun: pass. Squirtle: unimaginable wealth? Athrun: No dice. Squirtle: immortality? Athrun: Don't care.
Squirtle: No one will call you a Char clone again? Athrun: (happily) Deal! I'm gonna get some help and go to Team Rocket's and kill everyone. (Athrun leaves the forest humming the song Invoke from Gundam Seed.) Chikorita: That guy has issues...
As we return to the mansion as Athrun is attempting to convince his roommates about his plans. With no success whatsoever. Kira: (annoyed) We are not helping you kill people just because of your psychological insecurities. Athrun: But... but...
Shinn: (angry) Besides you've been a real ass lately, we ain't doing jack shit. Beecha: (upset) I'm late for my job for this? Athrun: But... but... Tails doll: Can you feel the sunshine? Then get the hell away from us!
Outside in the yard Athrun is depressed and dejected, trying to think of a way to kill Team Rocket. Suddenly he gets approached by Auel and Stellar. Auel: (whispering) Hey Athrun, I hear you're trying to kill some people. Athrun: (upset) Great, now I'll have the cops riding me. Auel: We can help actually. I can get weapons grade uranium and Stellar can make a bomb. It'll be quick and easy! Athrun: (suspiciously) And you gain? Auel: I just like killing people, and besides Sting kicked us out after Stellar burned his room with the gasoline I gave her. So he'll be pissed off for a while and we have nothing to do. Stellar: (sad) Why can't Sting understand the greatness of the fire?
Kyubei: OK, OK, Lets stop for a minute! I've been reading the past chapters, and seriously. You got murder, arson, fraud, rape, drug use, gladiatorial slave deathmatches, blatant copyright infringement, and other assorted stuff that would get you a AO TV rating at least, in any decent morally upright nation on the face of the earth. aliasoddity: Yes. Kyubei: Is there no dark aspect of humanity you will not exploit for comedic reason? aliasoddity: Hitler jokes! It was fun at first, but the Hitler's breakdown meme went viral, and now its way too easy.. Kyubei: I'm gonna like it here. (thinking to himself) Maybe I should kill him and take over the series, then I can raise an army of the damned to take my revenge. Yes, I will paint my world red with the blood of magical girls! (loud and evil reverberating laughter) aliasoddity: The hell? Kyubei: Oh, I just thought of a real funny joke, gotta go.
We find ourselves at the lair of Team Rocket. A large ominous building, colored black and with a large red R in front. Athrun, Auel and Stellar are hiding in the nearby cliff faces, ready to launch their tactical nuclear bomb. Athrun: OK! We're here
(worried tone) By the way Auel, is it really necessary to use a nuke? I had some bad experiences with that stuff in Vegas and... Auel: For shame Athrun! For shame! You can't back down now! Or else you will not just admit you are a Char clone, but that you are a pussy! Are you a pussy! Athrun: (determined) Hell, no! Auel: Then lets go, and start killing some people! All three: Huzzah!
All three storm out into the Rocket hideout, killing all in sight with high powered semiautomatic rifles. The grunts and their Pokemon are no match for the trio, since Nintendo games are E for everyone and nobody really dies. So Team Rocket was pretty much screwed from the start. About an hour later they were all killed off and the nuke was planted. After gaining some distance the trio detonated the bomb, effectively ending Team Rocket in a nuclear blast of fury. Auel: (overjoyed) Did you guys see that! That was totally bad ass! Stellar: (awestruck) Fire is beautiful! Athrun: (laughing insanely) Who's a Char clone now? I am an original character and that's that! Auel: (with an anime style sweat drop) Anyway, we gotta go, before the police arrive and start asking questions.
Back in the forest Athrun goes to meet the Pokemon with news of his victory. Pikachu: Hey Athrun is back! Athrun: Yeah! And I killed all of Team Rocket! Woobat: Yay! Now we can bring back our Messiah the mighty Anti-Christ!
Athrun: (shocked) Wait what? Pidove: Yes! The spawn of Satan to whom we gave our souls to. He will bring a thousand years of darkness upon the world, as all light is devoured by his great evil! Pikachu: To celebrate let us begin the sacrifice!
Piplup if you may. Piplup: (takes out a ritualistic knife and points it to himself) I'm coming Satan! (Stabs his aorta and dies, ending up face down in a pool of blood.) Athrun: (shocked) WHAT THE FUCK? I thought when you meant Messiah you meant something like Jesus Christ! Pikachu: Like hell! Team Rocket was the only one who stopped us from bringing the Anti-Christ into the world. And now with them gone, we will rule! Athrun: (points his rifle at the Pokemon) I wont let you!
Suddenly the Pokemon's eyes turn blood red and begin to screech an unearthly howl which breaks open the ground causing hundreds of skeletal arms to grab Athrun's gun, crush it and shoot fire and gusts of razor sharp winds upon him. Severely inuring Athrun leaving him bloodied, bald and defeated. Being forced to retreat for his life. Pidove: Great! Our satanic powers are growing stronger! Pikachu: Yes! Now let the blood orgy begin! Other Pokemon: (excited) Blood orgy!
Back at the mansion Athrun, now bandaged up considerably, and wearing a sombrero to hide his baldness. Tries to get help from his roommates to stop the upcoming apocalypse. To similar lack of success. Kira: (annoyed) We are not gonna help you kill Satan powered Pokemon in order to clean up your mistakes. Shinn: (laughs) Serves you right! Beecha: The whole getting scalped bit is starting to become a running gag. Athrun: (claps hands together and bows humbly) Please! I'm begging you guys!
Tails doll: Can you feel the sunshine? You're on your own!
The front door is then tapped lightly to which Athrun answers. Finding Pikachu and Woobat at the door. Athrun: (angry and scared) What do you want? Pikachu: Well you see, we need your help again. Athrun: (angry) You're fucking kidding right?
Pikachu: Seriously dude, just hear me out! You see, the Anti-Christ needs a mortal vessel to be brought into the world. Normally we would ask some Republican youth schmuck to become the beast of legend, but the tea party movement scares the shit out of us. So we need you to become the vessel for the Anti-Christ. So what do you say? Woobat: Pretty please? You would make a great Anti-Christ! Athrun slams the door to the mansion in rage and locks it up as well. Sting: (walks up to the Pokemon in surprise) Hey its a Pikachu and a Woobat! You're pretty cute. Pikachu: Woobat get the ether we just found our Anti-Christ.
That night in the forest Sting is dragged into their manger which is a twisted mockery of a normal manger, filled with bloody skulls, and other assorted satanic paraphernalia. Sting is shirtless, gagged in the mouth, and bound by the arms and legs in a table, above a blood red moon. Athrun is hiding in the bushes preparing for war. Armed to the teeth with guns and grenades. Meanwhile Pikachu: wearing a black cloak with a pentagram, a obviously fake goatee, and carrying the knife Piplup used to kill himself Oh great and powerful Satan! We offer you this virgin sacrifice so that the great evil can be released into the world. (raises knife ominously)
Kyubei: So now we have occult references, Pokemon sacrifice and blood orgies? alias you sick fuck. Your mother would be ashamed if she read this. aliasoddity: Then I should be grateful for hands off parenting, huh?
Chorus: Its a Pokemon Easter special! Pikachu: Hail Satan! Announcer: Will be right back after these messages.
Promo announcer: Its everyone's favorite new show of the season! Everyone loves Graham Aker and Master Asia! You will laugh at the zany adventures of the only two decent characters in the entire Gundam franchise! Tonight, with special guest Charlie Sheen as The legendary warlock Crazy Mc. Fucked up! Only on PMS! Check your local listings.
Chorus: Its a Pokemon Easter special! Pikachu: Hail Satan! Announcer: Now returns.
As the knife is raised ominously and begins to plunge it is shot off by a bullet. The Pokemon see Athrun holding a handgun ready for battle. Athrun: You dicks! I wont let you bring forth the apocalypse! Now! Athrun is cut off mid speech by the Pokemon shooting fire with their mouths, burning Athrun to a crisp. As the Pokemon close in for the kill, A fusion bolt strikes in between Athrun amd the Pokemon knocking them away. While fusion flame destroys the manger. Launching Sting into the air, still bound and gagged to the table Team Rocket style.
Finally the legendary dragon Pokemon, the white Reshiram and the black Zekron fly above the scene when a young green haired boy called N jumps off and lands with grace and ease. N: Who is the douche who caused the coming of the Anti-Christ?
All of the talking Pokemon: (pointing at Athrun) He did it! N: (bitch slaps Athrun) Nice going dumbass, now I need to stop them. Pikachu: (cockily) Ha! You! How? You are nothing but a hipp- Pikachu is cut off as N takes out a pump action shotgun which he uses to blow Pikachu's head clear off. Leaving him decapitated and with several pellets in his remaining remains. N: There's only one way to deal with devil worshiping Pokemon! (cocks his shotgun and takes out an assault rifle) You have to kill them!
The song bodies from Drowning pool starts playing in the background as N and Athrun start to strafe while shooting their guns. With them and the Pokemon taking cover an epic fight begins as Pokemon attacks are exchanged with bullets. Athrun pulls out a grenade tossing it at one of the trees, which explodes taking Chikorita with it the tree falls landing on Zorua, crushing him to death. Pidove: (shocked) NO! Zorua! You didn't even get any character development before getting killed off! I'll kill you all!
Pidove uses a combination of Air cutter and his satanic screeches to destroy N and Athrun cover forcing them to run Tepig rushes them from the side with a Flame charge attack. Noticing Athrun jumps dodging the attack shooting his spine and getting ripped apart by Pidove's attack in a most gruesome manner. Pidove: (screaming) NO! TEPIG!
As Pidove lies stunned N uses his assault rifle to riddle Pidove full of lead killing her with ease. Dropping down into a pool of blood. Weedle lunges into N with Poison sting being saved by Athrun who throws N a machete which he uses to slice Weedle horizontally in half, its remains fall on the ground and in pieces. Squirtle jumps on Athrun grabbing him and began electrocuting him while Athrun stabs at Squirtle's shell with a bowie knife to little avail, Vulpix launches acid from his mouth at a stunned Athrun who trips on a rock, falling and dodging the acid which lands on Squirtle's head melting him dead in moments. Athrun quickly throws the remains at Vulpix before he fired another acid blast with melts Squirtles remains. Athrun then uses his machine guns to kill Vulpix. Woobat: (sneaking out visibly scared) Oh shit! I'm getting out of here (stumbles into Reshiram and Zekrom who proceed to maul and eat him alive using their mouths to rip Woobat in half.
The song ends as Athrun and N look on at the fiery carnage. Somewhat saddened N looks at Athrun and smiles. Athrun: (worried) Are you all right? N: Yes, just sad, These Pokemon were once pure, only to fall into temptation. Athrun: (somberly) Yes, you are right. N: Well I must go. Athrun: What about Team Rocket? N: Screw em. N hops into Reshiram as he and Zekrom fly away while Athrun looks on and prepares to leave into the night.
To be continued...
