Chapter Nine

...

"I hope lots of people show up." Tobi said nervously. "What if nobody wants to join us?"

"We're still a little early. I'm sure plenty of people will be here soon." Kisame reassured him.

They waited silently, all eyes fixed on the double doors of the dojo. Soon they slammed open and a badass-looking woman strode in. She was wearing black samurai armour and had a very long sword slung across her back. Her face had a flinty expression and showed the scars of battle and the lines of age.

"You seem to be a seasoned shinobi." said Zetsu. "What is your name?"

"I'm Sawako the bounty hunter. What do you mean by 'seasoned'?" she asked.

"I mean you look like you could handle yourself in a fight."

"And you are?" she stared intently at Kisame.

"I'm Kisame Hoshigaki, pleased to meet you." he barred his sharp teeth in a grin.

"I'm Tobi!" announced Tobi, but Sawako ignored him and continued to stare at the blue hunk.

"Well." said Kisame, slightly unnerved. "Why do you want to join the Akatsuki?"

"I don't."

"Then what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I heard your once feared organisation had been reduced to three idiots running around. I just wanted to see for myself how far you've fallen." she sneered.

"That is most unyouthful." stated Tobi.

"What do you mean by that? Are you saying that I'm old?"

"My my, it seems that you've hit a nerve Tobi-chan." Kisame smirked.

She left in a huff and after a while Team Hebi entered. Kisame was happy to see the cute Suigetsu and Itachi's little brother and immediately offered them a place in the Akatsuki.

"We don't want to join you." said Sasuke. "But you three can join Team Hebi if you want. We're going to attack Konoha."

"Bah! We're not going to accept some sulky little brat as our leader." Zetsu rejected his offer.

Tobi flickered over to Sasuke and caught him in a surprise hug. "Hey Sasuke-kun, did you know we're related? Maybe I can be your new big bro?"

"Get off me!"

Juugo forcibly separated them and Team Hebi departed. Next to enter was Team Samui.

"Cloud ninja eh?" noted Zetsu. "Your village doesn't have any missing nin, the Raikage stops at nothing to kill anyone that betrays your village."

"We're not here to join you, we just came to give you a warning." said Samui.

"Yeah! You'd better stay away from our sensei, Killer B." Karui threatened.

"He's the Eight-tails jinchuuriki right? I think we will. It was Pain-sama's plan to collect all the tailed beasts that got most of us killed." said Kisame, and then turned to his two associates. "Let's just go back to accepting whatever missions we can and forget about stupid things like trying to take over the world."

"But world domination sounds like so much fun." Zetsu dissented.

Omoi was content to let his teammates do all the talking and hung back as they argued with the Akatsuki for several minutes, sucking on a lollipop. Suddenly, Tobi flickered in front of him, too close for comfort.

Omoi jumped back. "What do you want?"

"Tobi wants candy!"

"I don't want to give you some." he said. "Although if I don't then maybe you'll go after the remaining jinchuuriki as revenge and that could start the Fourth Shinobi World War."

He reluctantly handed over some lollipops and then the Cloud ninja all left, bumping into Sai who had been eavesdropping on them.

The Root ninja entered the dojo and gave a fake smile. "Hello, my name is Sai."

"Tell us why you wish to join the Akatsuki." said Zetsu.

"I don't. I came here for the same reason those Cloud ninja did: to give you a warning. Stay away from Konoha's jinchuuriki."

"You were listening to our discussion with them so you should know that we're no longer going after the tailed beasts." said Kisame.

"Actually, there's something else I wanted to know. I've read that sharks have these things called claspers and I was wondering…"

"I do not have claspers!"

Sai's emotionless face hid the deep disappointment that he felt. He shifted his gaze over to Zetsu, observing that his body had two different coloured halves.

"Is your penis two different colours?" he asked.

"Why don't we go somewhere private and I'll show you." Zetsu smirked.

"I'd like that."

"Please don't make me do this." "Sorry but you're not going to spoil my fun." "Ugh, very well but remember you promised that we'd have sex with women too sometimes." "Yeah, yeah."

"I think you've got the wrong idea. Dicks just look so funny; I only want to look at yours so I can laugh at it."

Offended, Zetsu chased the penis obsessed man out of the building.

Sawako the bounty hunter returned backed up by eleven strong shinobi. She pointed her long sword at Kisame.

"That's him, the Daimyo Killer. He'll be a tough one to take down but the price on his head is worth the risk."

"Great, I'll finally get to fight someone today." Kisame said happily.

"Tobi wants to try out his new weapon." said Tobi.

"Stay out of this, lollipop-face." she told him.

"No, Tobi will defeat you with the power of youth!"

"What's with all these references to youth? Do you have a death wish, boy?" she turned to her fellow bounty hunters. "I'll take on this annoying brat. The rest of you fight those two freaks."

The bounty hunters split up and engaged Kisame and Zetsu in battle, they were all experienced fighters and even the Akatsuki couldn't kill them off quickly. Tobi pulled out his nunchaku and with one handle in each hand held them out in front of him dramatically. Then he began flailing them around for several minutes as the battle raged on around him.

Finally, he stopped his show. "Are you impressed?"

"Not really." Sawako said impassively.

"What? Don't you think I look cool when I use them?"

"It's an ineffective weapon. You can't get past the reach of my sword and even if you could my armour would protect me."

Tobi threw the nunchaku at her face, busting her nose.

"Damn you straight to hell!"

She attacked him with rapid swings of her long sword. Tobi evaded each blow with barely an inch to spare, yelping in fright and pleading with her to stop. She managed to back him into a corner.

"Now you've nowhere left to run. I must admit, I'm quite anticipating removing that stupid mask once I've killed you. I'm guessing you have quite a high price on your head seeing as you go to all that trouble to keep hidden."

She thrust her sword deep into his chest. Tobi screamed.

"Hmmmm." she waved her sword side to side through his incorporeal body. "That's interesting."

"You can't hurt Tobi, you old bag."

"We'll see about that!" she snapped. "You'll be begging for death once I'm done with you."

She backed off and ran her hand over her blooded nose. She then performed a summoning jutsu and a horse appeared beneath her. Its coat was pure black and its mane and tail were made of flames. The equine beast reared up with a loud whinny and the samurai sat astride raised her long sword above her and yelled a battle cry.

She charged her horse directly at Tobi and they phased through him without slowing down. They also passed right through the solid wall and disappeared.

"Huh?" a puzzled Tobi tapped the wall.

The horse's disembodied head appeared through the wall right in front of him. It snorted and jets of hot steam shot out from its nostrils to engulf the masked man.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Tobi ran around screaming in pain.

The black mare walked forward and the rest of its body and rider emerged into the dojo. Sawako took a moment to survey the battle, half of her backup lay dead and the Akatsuki had received no major wounds.

She chased Tobi around as Zetsu and Kisame attacked her with mid-range wood and water techniques. At times her mount made loud clopping sounds as its hooves struck the floorboards and at times it ran silently as it became insubstantial to avoid being hit.

She repeatedly thrust her blade into Tobi futilely.

"Damn it, this is pointless. I'd hoped if two ethereal people fought then it would cancel out and they would fight like normal."

"Can I stroke your pony?" Tobi asked her.

"No you can't."

"You're mean!"

"Hey you." she called out to one of her friends. "Play with this simpleminded little shit for a while. I'll fight Hoshigaki myself."

A spear-wielding man attempted to poke Tobi while the rest of the bounty hunters ganged up on Zetsu. Sawako approached her tall opponent and swung at him. He brought Samehada up to block her blade. She struggled as she tried to overpower him but it was like pushing against an immoveable object.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"My sword thinks your sword is hot." Kisame grinned.

"That must be the legendary Samehada. I should get a lot of money for selling that, or I might just keep it for myself."

"You haven't defeated me yet."

Kisame put his full strength behind Samehada and easily forced Sawako's weapon back. She and her flaming mount became ethereal and the scaled sword passed through her body inflicting no physical damage. He swung again and again at them but couldn't manage to land a hit on the intangible pair. The black-armoured fighter got in a few cuts on her opponent but frustratingly they immediately healed up.

She lightly kicked her horse summon with her heels and it bolted away from the fight, after getting away from the long reach of Kisame's sword its hooves could be heard clopping against the floorboards as it became solid again. It didn't have enough chakra to remain in a ghostly state indefinitely. Sawako transferred most her chakra to it so it could use its abilities for a while longer.

Then Tobi vaulted onto the horse to sit behind her.

She twisted around to look at him. "What the heck are you doing?"

"This is so cool. You know, I had a pony once but Hidan-sama sacrificed it."

Zetsu laughed as he evaded his assailants. "The look on Kakuzu's face when he first saw it was so funny."

"He kept grumbling that it cost too much to take care of."

"I think that was when he finally got fed up of you wasting money on stupid things and stopped paying you."

"No, he just paid Tobi with candy instead of cash."

One of the bounty hunters decided to speak up. "Do you ninja's always talk so much during a fight?"

"Yes." Zetsu confirmed, before impaling him upon large pointed roots.

"Hey, I heard that cheap bastard Kakuzu got himself killed. Is that true?" asked Sawako.

"It's true."

"That's a shame. We used to be lovers a long time ago."

"That must have been a very long time ago, when you didn't look so old and wrinkly." Tobi said.

"Shut. Up." she snapped at him.

"Can you make your pony go faster? It's not even moving!"

"No. Get off!" she demanded.

"Tobi thinks it might be the pony that uses time-space ninjutsu and it takes its rider with it. So you can't get away from me if I stay on top of it because it'll take us all to the same dimension!"

Tobi was very proud of himself for figuring out the trick to her ability. Then the horse turned incorporeal and he fell right through and landed on his butt.

"You're wrong." Sawako gloated from astride her summon. "If she doesn't like a rider then she won't take it anywhere with her."

"Well at least you caught it unawares." said Kisame. "Now we know if we attack from behind we may get some hits in, they don't seem to be able to remain insubstantial all the time. You keep her distracted Tobi-chan while we finish these lot off then we'll team up against her."

"I won't just go along with your plan. I'll be fighting you Hoshigaki." Sawako insisted. "I can't wait to hand your corpse over to the bounty collection office. I've never gotten a bounty even half this size before; I wonder if they have enough money to pay me."

"I don't think they will." said Zetsu, who had emptied the place out when he stole from them yesterday.

"Hey, what do you need so much money for anyway? Your retirement fund?" asked Tobi.

"Why you little…" she forgot all about fighting the infamous Daimyo Killer and attacked the masked man instead.

"My mama kept telling me that you can never start saving up too early for your retirement. I suppose I should start now, I don't want to leave it to the very last minute like you."

He continued to taunt her as Zetsu and Kisame fought the rest of the bounty hunters. Their opponents were a tough lot but eventually they prevailed and all three Akatsuki surrounded Sawako.

"Are you sure you don't want to join us?" asked Zetsu.

"Maybe I will, if you get rid of him." she pointed at Tobi.

"Absolutely not!"

"Then I'm outta here." she charged her flaming horse right at Zetsu (who dived out of the way) and out of the dojo.

"Should we go after her?" "No, she seems like too much trouble to kill." "I hope she doesn't return with even more bounty hunters."

"I hope she does." Kisame grinned.

"We still don't have any new members." said Tobi sadly.

"Maybe we would have one by now, if you were more respectful of your elders." Kisame said accusingly.

"Teehee, Tobi is sorry."

A puddle of water leaked into the dojo and formed into a teenage boy.

"Suigetsu-kun, you're back! Do you want to join us after all?" Kisame said happily.

"I might join your organisation if you give me your sword Kisame-sempai."

"Gi Gi Gi."

"I don't think so. Samehada says your chakra stinks so wouldn't accept you anyway."

"You watch out, one day I will defeat you and take Samehada for myself!" Suigetsu vowed.

Kisame ruffled the boy's white hair. "You keep training hard and just maybe you'll be able to defeat me."

Suddenly, the place filled with Mist ninja.

The two Swordsmen both lifted their oversized weapons and attacked their former countrymen with glee. After ten minutes of intense fighting only one of them still stood. She was surrounded by the dismembered corpses of her teammates and two grinning rogue ninja.

"Why did you attack us?" Suigetsu questioned. "You lot don't look like hunter-nin."

"Well we've had reports that Kisame-san is in love with the Mizukage and intends to propose to her."

Kisame blushed, his face turning purple. "That's not true! Unless… shelikesmetoo."

The kunoichi burst into laughter. "You've got no chance Kisame-san. Just the thought of you marrying her is giving her terrible nightmares. She wants you dead, at all costs. That's why she's given the order to all her jounin to assassinate you should the opportunity arise."

"I've been giving her nightmares?" Kisame looked horrified.

"It's alright; I still think you're a sexy mofo." Zetsu stroked his broad shoulder.

Kisame batted his hand away.

Shortly after disposing of the Mist jounin, three young shinobi and a huge dog entered.

Tobi hid behind Zetsu. "Don't let the big doggie eat Tobi."

"I won't." "What do you kids want?"

"Erm, w-well w-w-we came t-to…" a girl stuttered.

"Hinata-chan!" Tobi interrupted. "I met your pretty cousin not long ago. Did he tell you that you're invited to my tea party? Tobi is sorry, but it's cancelled."

"How do you know him, Hinata?" asked Kiba.

"Oh we've not met before." Tobi told him. "But we know all about you lot from watching the chuunin exams. You're the dog-boy and that guy is the bug-boy. Tobi thinks bugs are gross."

"They're not gross." said Shino sulkily. "Anyway, we didn't come here for a tea party."

Kiba pushed Hinata forward. "Tell them why we're here."

"S-stay away from N-N-Naruto-kun." she squeaked.

Tobi came out from behind Zetsu and approached her. "You're so cute. Can I keep her Kisame-san? She can be my new partner."

Akamaru growled and the masked man quickly shot behind Zetsu again.

"Weren't you listening? We came here to stop you from killing Naruto, not to join you." Shino said and unleashed his bugs. The swarm of insects crawled all over his body and hovered around him, buzzing ominously.

"You needn't worry; our current leader has no intention of going after the nine-tails." Zetsu said with a scowl at Kisame.

"Oh t-that's a relief." said Hinata.

"Yep, we won't kill him on one condition." said Tobi.

She looked worried. "What's that?"

"You have to cuddle Tobi and tell me I'm a good boy."

Her face turned bright red with embarrassment, but she stepped forward determined to do whatever it took to protect Naruto.

"Okay." she said nervously.

"Yay!" Tobi rushed forward and wrapped his arms around her. "You're so soft and cuddly Hinata-chan."

"T-Tobi is a good boy." she managed to squeak before fainting.