Disclaimer: This story is set sometime in 2011, but this song was not released until 2012. The minute I heard this song, I thought it perfectly captured Kate's fear of being fully open to Castle—how she wants him to truly see her and still want to be with her. So, please forgive the anachronism—I just had to use this song!

The song is "Underneath," by Adam Lambert, and it appears on the Trespassing album released in May 2012. And if you have 99¢ to spare, download the song from iTunes and listen to it while Castle does. I think you'll see why it moved me so much.


CHAPTER 9

"Underneath" – by Adam Lambert

Strip away the flesh and bone
Look beyond the lies you've known
Everybody wants to talk about a freak
No one wants to dig that deep
Let me take you underneath

Baby, better watch your step
Never mind what's on the left
You're gonna see things you might not want to see
It's still not that easy for me, underneath.

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky

And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?

Welcome to my world of truth
I don't want to hide any part of me from you
I'm standing here with no apologies
Such a beautiful release
You inside of me.

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky

And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?

Underneath …

Welcome to my world of truth.

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky

And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?

Underneath …

Look at me
Do you see?

Look at me
Do you see?

Welcome to my world of truth
I don't want to hide any part of me from you.


When it was over, Kate bent down and turned off the player. When she stood back up, he had erased the space between them and now stood right in front of her. He wasn't touching her, but he was close enough to.

"Kate …" he breathed, so overwhelmed, it was all he could manage.

"Did that help?" she asked, shyly, blushing as she dropped her head.

He took one of her hands in his and squeezed it lightly.

"It helped," he promised. "I want to hear it again …"

"Right now?" she asked, a little surprised.

He laughed softly. "No, not right now. But definitely later. I want to have our talk now."

She nodded, biting her lip and holding her breath.

He reached out for her then and gently pulled her into him. Her arms wrapped around his back as they slightly swayed back and forth.

"I only dated her to try to get over you. I never meant to hurt your feelings," he explained in a gruff voice.

"I stayed with Josh to avoid having to face what … I feel for you. I know it hasn't been easy for you," she managed.

"Yeah, let's hope Motorcycle boy doesn't come home and kick my ass," he joked.

"I'll defend you," she laughed lightly.

"Kate," he started, serious again. "I don't want either of us to hurt anymore. It doesn't make any sense. If you feel for me half of what I feel for you …"

His hands came up to frame her face.

"I'm ready, Rick. I'm done fighting this, I'm just …" she trailed off.

"I know," he whispered into her ear, his lips just barely brushing the lobe, just the slightest touch. Her knees almost gave out, it felt so good.

"I'm just scared that if you see me—really see me—you won't want me anymore."

"I want to see you, Kate—all of you. And whatever I see, whatever it is, I will never leave. I will never judge you or make you apologize for anything. I'm your partner, Kate. Always remember that. I mean it in every sense of the word."

She sighed and buried her head in his shoulder.

"What is it?"

"You're so wonderful, Rick. You're amazing—you have been since I met you. And it's not just the coffee, or your help with paperwork, or letting me stay here when I needed to, or making me laugh. It's everything about you—you are so sweet to me. And I have been horrible to you—just horrible. I'm just scared that I will never find the words to make you understand how much you mean to me, how much I care about you."

"I think you are doing a great job finding the words," he told her. "You've said more to me in ten minutes than you have in three years."

"Is it enough?" she asked, as she reached up and pulled his head closer to hers. He shuddered when her lips pressed against his neck, just under his jaw.

"It's enough for now. I don't know about you, but I am kind of talked out right now. Talking is better done over coffee and breakfast, and that's like twelve hours away."

"Whatever will we do with ourselves?" she laughed.

"I have an idea. Can you play the song again?" he said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

"Sure," she replied, bending down to play the song again.

"Can you put it on repeat?"

"Yeah," she smiled to herself. Thank God he understood.

When she stood back up, he had moved into the living room a little more. As the first notes played, they stood before each other, and everything felt really serious again. Three years of built up desire and love was about to be unleashed and they both knew it.

Like two rams, they stared each other down, circled each other. Like boxers in a ring, their eyes locked, their bodies poised to pounce, they finally moved toward each other. She was so ready to jump his bones that she was surprised when he simply reached out for her and wrapped his hand warmly around the back of her neck.

He took a step forward and the hand went to her face. Tears were building in his eyes—hers, too.

"Are you sure, Kate? Everything will change," he whispered.

"I'm counting on it," she said, stepping forward until their bodies were pressed against each other.

When they touched, there was a huge sense of relief. They had been holding back for so long now, it had become a cruel joke, like writers had been sitting in a room, crafting Castle and Beckett's story, and coming up with any obstacle they could throw in their path to keep them apart.

And they had just gone along with it, day after day, until it had become too much, until it had become painful. Until it was almost too late.

They were done holding back.

"Still have about eleven-and-a half-hours until coffee," she reminded him.

"Plenty of time," he murmured.

She was about to suggest they move into the bedroom or at least the couch, but before she could say anything, he brought his hands to the lapels on her robe and paused.

His eyes were closed and his lips were pressed together, his hands fisted around the fabric on her robe, his head down. He was listening to the song and the tears were streaming down his face. She had never been so moved before—the fact that he got it meant more to her than anything.

"I have wanted you for so long, Kate. To see you—to truly know you, not just the tough, kick-ass detective I see every day. I wanted to see more, I always have. And it drove me fucking crazy to see you with other guys … it just tore me apart."

"I've made a lot of mistakes, I know," she confessed. "But no more. No one else gets to see me. No one else gets to touch me, or kiss me, or …"

Kate sucked in her breath when Castle's hands moved to untie the belt on her robe. She held her breath still when he moved the fabric back toward her shoulders, exposing her breasts and her stomach.

"I have never wanted anything more than this right here. And I will never do anything to make you regret your decision …" he told her, solemnly.

"I'm so sorry, Rick. I've hurt you so much, and you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt," she cried, really losing herself in the moment and the song—that goddamned song! It was pulling her apart.

His hands were at her waist now and he wouldn't look at her.

"I've wanted you for so long, Kate … I'm almost scared to touch you," he whispered fiercely, gripping her hips tighter.

"Touch me, Rick. Please, touch me," she encouraged, taking hold of his hands and pressing them against her bare breasts. They both shuddered at the contact.

Kate's forehead dropped forward until it was touching his and was silent as his warm hands moved over her skin. His touch was so self-effacing, so … fucking respectful. If she wasn't crying already … his reverent touch had her gutted. She had never felt so loved before.

Finally, he pushed the robe off her shoulders and stepped toward her, pulling her into his body.

"No fair, you have more clothes on," she whined, teasing him.

"Take them off. Please, Kate. Take them off," he said raggedly, finally moving to kiss her.

His lips on hers took everything to a new level, a level she almost couldn't bear, it was so staggering. She went to unbutton his shirt when his hands came to hers, stilling her movement. She pressed her cheek against his, waiting.

"I need to know that you love me. I can't do this otherwise. This is so much more than anything I've felt … or done … I have to know, Kate. I'm sorry, but I need to hear the words …" He was breathless when he finished.

"I love you, Castle," she breathed into his ear, her tongue not far behind, meant to reinforce her message. "I love you … always."

His hands found her skin again, running up her back, down her sides, around her bottom, up to her breasts. Every new place he touched solicited a new sound from her. She didn't try to hide. She was opening to him, finally. He was seeing her and she almost laughed with relief at how good it felt.

"Show me, Kate. I want to see," he whispered, like he had read her mind.

Welcome to my world of truth
I don't want to hide any part of me from you.


The End.