Chapter 9 – A Hearts Decision


Miaka has finally returned inside the sacred shrine. Her journey to her past has ended. Suzaku has shown her everything she needed to see, no matter how painful. He has counselled her and has given her more than enough to contemplate. She didn't understand it first why she had to see everything... the pains, the heartaches, the betrayals, the sacrifices, the deaths...

But it was starting to make sense now... She needed to be reminded of what she had gone through in her past, her adventure and relationship with her seishi before she confront her present fear... but still... why...?

Miaka suddenly remember Mitsukake's wise words when she couldn't accept Nuriko's death... when she couldn't even bear to look at his motionless body lying in a cold white snow on top of Mt. Koku.

[Mitsukake] "Miaka... I've given Nuriko his beauty back. Won't you look at him? I know you're sad... I know how lonely you feel... No one's going to ask you to feel better soon. No one will say that because we all feel the same... there's nothing to be done about the grief...! I wished we have time... A long, long time to heal... But right now, we can't give you that time... I know it'll be hard. Grieve if you must! But keep moving forward! I want Nuriko to rest in peace. Everyone has a purpose... everyone is born to do something that only they can do!"

Her teeth rattled against each other as she started to tremble once again.

She had gone through the worst in life than any other normal teenager. How many times did she felt her body disintegrated in small fragments... her very spirit deliquesced? She couldn't remember. She could only remember the cacophonous sentiment raging within her. Her phantoms... memories of the man she couldn't let go ingurgitated everything that moulded her as worthy priestess of Suzaku.

What has she become for the last five years? Just nothing. An empty shell of her former self! How many times did she fall and cry...? The monstrous memories of pains, heartaches, betrayals, sacrifices, deaths deeply ingrained in every cell of her body along with the unwaivering hope, trust and loyalty her celestial warriors so unsparingly imparted before their dying breaths.

Yes, she had gone through the worst in life... she fell for the hundredth times but bravely stood and fought back. Her seven celestial warriors, living and dead not only witnessed but stood behind her as she valiantly fought evil, summoned Suzaku and sealed Seiryuu. She never considered the scars on her body as her badge of honour. It had always been her celestial warriors...

What has she done with her life now? Wasted away... Suzaku had to remind her... in a very hard and brutal way what kind of person she was before her separation with Taka. All the qualities that made Suzaku and her celestial warriors to be proud of her... her strong-will, devotion and enthusiasm that she carelessly tossed under her bed as she walloped herself with her grieving and self-pitying for the last five years.

She felt a feather of shame brushed her skin, still it made her shudder. How could she mercilessly flagellate herself with her selfishness? Her callous and wicked treatment to punish herself because of the man who left her five years ago was contemptible and unjustifiable. "Grieve if you must! But keep moving forward!"Mitsukake's voice rang in her mind. She grieved but she had forgotten to move forward... for the last five years, her grieving became her source of life... if that's what she calls life!

Miaka closed her eyes and breathed slowly. She needed more than ever... calmness... with a spark of bravery slowly oozing from within, she readied to seek her heart's counsel without any fear or any doubt. It's about time to face her inner turmoil...

Still with eyes closed, she remembered Suzaku's words. "My Miko... you have summoned my counsel... not to seek for wishes but answer to all your doubts and fear...You had been lost, my child... Listen to my every word, for you shall find the answer. I, Suzaku, the Phoenix God of the South, reborn from my very own ashes, will show you your past... open your eyes and see where it all began..."

"Suzaku Seikun... You are the symbol of fire... you're body burns and from your very own ashes and you will soon rise. Time and time again, the symbol of immortality... I finally understood what made me special compare to the other priestesses. I thought my love for Tamahome was strong enough to defy the laws of the four Heavens... I was arrogant and a fool... Our love found its way because of you! Because you had blessed our love, you had allowed one of your celestial star to be reborn in my world, because you knew he made an everlasting promise...even if thousands or hundreds of thousands of years passed, whatever worlds that may separate us, he will cross them and he will find me...that was his promise... and he had found me, Suzaku. And I finally realized that you were instrumental to our meeting... and I thank you... from the bottom of my heart."

"But then, you allowed another one of your star to be reborn too, in my world. It was Hotohori... because he also made a promise to me. But unlike Tamahome, it was an undying promise of a dying man... We will all live again, beyond worlds and beyond time... beyond life... we will surely all meet again....that was his perpetual promise. He heaved his last breath wishing for nothing but my happiness and his declaration of love...I loved you... be happy... he said. Suzaku, you are the symbol of Fire... and the symbol of Love... and your passion burns within the very soul of your celestial stars..."

"It was an honour to be your Priestess, Suzaku. You had continued to watch over me, time and time again. You had given me your wisdom. The last night in my world... I seek the moonlight's wisdom with a heavy burden in my heart, it was burden caused by my fated meeting with Hotohori. I was a confused soul seeking for solitude. A coward who stopped living my life after Taka left me, because I always thought he was my life... my air to breathe... and I was waiting for him, it was the same passion that ignited within me which made me able to stand on my door everyday patiently and faithfully waiting for him... that one of those days he will come knocking at my door, sweep me off my feet and tell me he will never leave me again. It was a heart's longing. For five years I have devoted my life waiting for him, it was a duty to him and to my heart that I decided I can never neglect. I obligated myself until my longing turned to bitterness..."

"Last night, I told myself, you will never allow Hotohori to fall in love with me, just to suffer again... because I truly did not want to hurt him again for the second time. Because I already decided that my affection still belongs to Taka. I immediately built a wall between us, restricting myself for the probability of new love. Only now I realized that like Tamahome, you had fated that meeting with Hotohori, you had granted him another life to live not as emperor in your land but a normal person in my world... to give him the chance to fulfil his promise. But you didn't do it in haste, right? You were watching over me for the past years and you had witnessed how my love turned into longing... waiting... wishing... hoping... bitterness... hopelessness... emptiness... suffering. Isn't it ironic how a person's affection can turn from love to suffering...?"

"I waited five years for Taka to return and pick up my broken pieces. In truth, in those five years... instead of wallowing, I could have picked up those broken pieces myself and continued with my life. I let myself to live a miserable life, it's not even Taka's fault! It was my own decision! I blinded myself with my own expectations and selfishness. I freed Taka so he can find his path but in truth, I never freed him at all since I have been continuously expecting that one day he will come back to me. And in return, I also enslaved myself with false hopes creating a world of my own full of mirrors... mirrors to remind me of Taka and the memories we shared together. My life has taken a long unnecessary pause. That's why I was never really happy... I tried to be happy but not the genuine happiness where my heart will explode because of something I myself cannot elucidate. How can I be happy when all I feel was bitterness?"

"Life is too beautiful to be taken for granted... isn't it, Suzaku? My eyes are finally open and I'm not afraid anymore. I want to live... and I will live my life not in a miserable pitying solitude but a life encircled by love and care... and it won't be hard because I have always been surrounded by people who cared and loved me... it's just that I only focused on one person, I neglected the rest. So now, I wanted to be happy again, for real. I deserve another chance of happiness and who knows, someone deserve that chance too... I could only tell in the near future..."

"And if Taka has finally found what he was seeking for, even if it's a life without me... then I should be happy for him... and I would be happy for him... just because we parted doesn't mean the memories we shared will disappear. His memories, like our group picture will always be treasured in my heart."

"Suzaku Seikun... Thank you... thank you once again for watching over me. I had never really known my father... and as such, I never really understood how a father's love would feel like. But, I didn't complain because my brother, Keisuke; had always taken care of me, always protected me. I can really be a pain to him, you know? I was very stubborn and sometimes I would ridicule him in front of his friends. My mom said that being the only man in our house, Keisukei should act the father figure to me. But I never consider him and don't want him to be a father figure just because I don't have a father. I would always want him to be just my big brother. Being him as a big brother was a lot cooler. I can tease him, ignore him, I can even smack him! But most importantly, I can always share everything to him like a brother and sister would share... our pains, dreams, fears, secrets... we have a special bond like no other, a bond dissimilar to my seishis. A bond we share by the blood that runs in our veins."

"In truth, I never really longed for my father, maybe because my mother and brother provided me all the love and care I needed. And I have friends... Further, I had my seishi's who sworn to protect me. So, there was never a reason where I asked myself, what is a father? Or where is my father? I realized that a father doesn't really have to be a relation by blood to be called a father. In my world, there were bad father's who raped their daughters, and it doesn't make any sense because a father is supposed to protect a child not harm and destroy. So, what is a father? If I seek the answer in my heart... well, a father is someone who watches over me and protects me, someone who will give me a bike and help me to learn how to pedal and then let me drive by myself, giving me my freewill... but he will not leave me just like that, he will continue to watch over me from a distance. So when I fall and get hurt, he will come to my rescue to help me stand on my feet once again... someone who will not confine me in a cage of over-protectiveness, but will not only allow but encourage me to spread my wings and fly. And if I break my wings and descend, he will give me the strength to heal and fly again."

"Where is my father, Suzaku? My father lives in me. His fire burns within me. He is a guiding light when everything else is darkness. My father is... you... Suzaku... and I thank you for everything you had done, for allowing me to grow from my mistakes, for bearing with my childishness and silliness. Thank you for putting your faith in me. I had wondered if the other Gods were making fun of you for choosing a clumsy, glutton, stupid priestess like me. But, I guess you didn't care. You just trusted me, like how a father would trust his child..."

Miaka raised her head and smiled. She has never found such peace in the 25 years of her existence... and to finally experience it... seized it, made all her pains and tears worthwhile. "Arigato, Suzaku... father..."

She slowly stood up with the same crescent smile carved on her face. The fire suddenly lit up in the huge cauldron. She jolted in surprise. That was the cauldron where she threw the scroll of the Universe of the Four Gods during their first failed summoning. The fire dances in jubilation, its flames continued to blaze, bigger and bigger. She heard loud crackles similar to New Year's fireworks. And she was not scared, not at all. In fact, her smile widened and soon her laughter complemented the sound of crackles. A tear escape from her left eye, but it was not the same tears she released earlier... this teardrop even if it's a single one, is something special. It was a tear of bliss joy.

From the blazing fire, she saw her last moments in the museum before she was transported inside the holy sword. She saw how she was pulled by the red light in Phoenix form and when her body collapse on the floor. She gave a grimace look and thought how it must hurt, but then a few blotches in exchange of the peace of mind, release of all her burdens and answer to her doubts was not that bad, in fact she can have blotches all over her body for all she care. It was nothing compared to her suffering, and to have her release of all these was something she will be thankful for all eternity.

Her own red aura started to glow, lifting her from the ground and slowly towards the cauldron where fire continued to blaze. She looked at the fire and notice a similar glow as hers emanating from the bottom of the cauldron ascending and blending with the tongues of fire. It was an extraordinary sight to behold, almost magical... divine... like Suzaku. It was odd... the fact that she was about to be consumed by fire should make her panic and scream for fear of life. But the peace in her wouldn't leave her. She accepted it whole heartedly and now it lives in her. She knew no harm will come to her. She remembered when she first realized she was alone here, she felt miserable more than ever, cursing and blaming everything. She has forgotten that after seeking the moonlight's wisdom that night, she saw a bright red light crossing the sky between the 2 bright stars... now everything made sense... it was Suzaku who came to answer her desperate call. He really was watching over her.

She closed her eyes to feel the burn of the blazing fire, but she wasn't burning. It was warming her spirit. She felt like a newly re-charge battery with all the warmness that rushed through in all parts of her intangible body. Before she let herself be taken away by a mystical energy, she opened her eyes once again to thank Suzaku. Just as she saw everything else fading, she saw a glimpse of a red-haired man floating far away from her. He was looking handsomely ethereal and divine with his mighty wings spread gloriously behind his back...

"Suzaku..."


End of Chapter 9