Yo! Welcome to Chapter 9 of 'Drugtionary'! I've been away camping and being bombarded with the constant doom of me not getting five rejection letters (yikes, I only got one. A freelance writer was my job this summer. Fiddlesticks) and other variety of things that could go wrong. But anyways! Last chapter, I got up to 45 reviews: Marufu-chan, Ninja Mafia Mistress, Kiro Uchiha, Harleymotor, and Blankity-Blick! One of these days, I will actually reply properly. I'm sorry for losing time on my hands… Anyways, let us commence forthwith with Chapter 9 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

9. Meeting with Evil-Incarnate

He calmed down after a little while, breathing slowly and blinking once or twice to make sure nothing else became twisted into a false reality. Lavi was reading another book that he had found in the shelves (Quicker than the Eye, Ray Bradbury), sitting next to Kanda as he turned pages at least thirteen times faster than the average reader. The apprentice Bookman was definitely confused by the episode earlier, though he couldn't possibly imagine Yuu hallucinating. It just wasn't him.

Time passed slowly as Kanda fell unconscious once or twice, snapping himself out of it to make sure he didn't fall asleep. He didn't want to sleep. Sleeping meant dreaming, dreaming meant going back there, and going back there meant a lack of Alma. His hallucination of a friend had yet to return to him. It was a possibility that he still couldn't find Timfanfy or Limgopocky or whatever that unicorn-abomination's name was. Alma was terrible at trying to locate things he lost.

"Yuu?" The redhead finished the book in record time, just as expected. It was pushed aside onto the coffee table that was in front of the couch. "You look really tired. Are you sure you still want to go to that meeting or whatever it was later? I don't think you'd be up to it."

"Che." He straightened his back before slumping again, bending his head back so that it was touching the rim of the couch. "I have to go there, tired or not. It's required. Otherwise, I'll miss out on something that's important to me."

He fidgeted with his bandana, biting his lower lip thoughtfully. "I can't believe that there's anything important to you." He laughed loudly as the man glared at him. "Kidding, kidding. I'm just not used to you caring about anything, you know? You just seem to hate everything and anything." He grinned. "Then again, I barely know you, though that'll change over time."

What time? There is no time left. He closed his eyes and frowned. I'm going to move far from here, and hopefully I'll never come back. Alma and I are going to escape from you and everyone else here, and you won't stop me.

No one can stop me.

"You're not saying anything," he continued. He pouted. "Are we not going to be friends or something? You jerk."

"Did I ever say we were friends?"

"I just naturally assumed, by how you're not trying to stab me with a butter knife or something like that."

"I haven't got around to it."

"Or maybe you actually care."

"Do you want me to send you flying into the wall?"

"Empty threats." He shook his head before grinning. "Yuu-chan, you haven't hurt me since I moved here, really. The only time you did that was when I collided into you the first time, remember? And even then you just yelled at me and kicked my stuff around, that's all." He looked over at the man, who was remaining silent. An arm was lying across his head, strategically hiding his eyes. "I don't think you have it in you to actually hurt me. I think you like me too much to do so."

"Fuck off," he muttered, then moved his arm so he could glare at him. "If you keep testing me, I really will throw you into that wall."

Silence filled his ears. For a moment, no one seemed to move and everything was calm, peaceful. He inhaled slowly and frowned. Time was passing too slowly for his liking. It was only around seven in the evening, and he had at least a half an hour to kill. He had no where else to go beforehand, and the moron beside him was annoying him. Alma was still gone, so he had no way to distract himself, aside from staring dumbly at the wall like a child who got in trouble and was now on time-out.

"Che," he said absentmindedly before forcing himself to stand up and walk towards his room. He needed his bag, that was for certain, especially if the idiot decided to snoop around in his things.

"What're you doing?" Of course he would ask.

"Nothing of import…ance," he managed. His eyes had landed on something he thought he had lost a long time ago, a relic of something important, on the floor. It was a necklace, one that had a crystal lotus attached to it. Lenalee had given it to him for his sixteenth birthday because it apparently 'reminded me of you' or something. He never admitted it, but he liked that necklace. He loved it. He thought he had lost it months ago.

Lavi came in the room mere seconds after he slipped it around his neck and hid it underneath his shirt. "Yuu, you got all quiet there. You okay?"

"Why do you keep asking me that?" He picked up his bag and slung it around his shoulder, looking uninterested and bored. He literally had nothing to do but to ignore the redhead. He was doing a piss-poor job of it, too. "I'm fine. Now leave."

For a moment, Lavi said nothing. Then he grinned. "Okay. When you get back from your little meeting, we should finish that ice cream later. Sound good?"

Why the fuck do you want to do that? The man glared at him, despite how appealing the word 'ice cream' was to him. It wasn't as good as soba, and he knew he hated most sweets, but when Alma told him to get it, it was delicious. I can't seem to get rid of you, can I? God, why the fuck won't you just disappear? Why is that? Why can't I tell you off?

Is it you that's the problem, or is it…

or is it… me?

"Earth to the adorable cuteness! I asked you a question," he said, then frowned. "You know, we never did finish the conversation earlier. About… the hug and the weirdness and everything." He was looking at the wall, thinking too many things at once to make logical sense. "And how you're trying to avoid eye contact with me and things like that. I know you have to leave soon, but I just at least want to know why you're avoiding me."

"Don't call me 'adorable cuteness', for starters." He shifted his weight to his left foot. "I don't want to finish that conversation, there was no hug if anyone asks, and I'm avoiding looking at you because you make me sick. There. Happy?" He started walking out of the room as the redhead, irritated by Kanda's little spat, grabbed him by the shoulder.

"You always do that." For once, he looked rather serious. 'Serious' and 'Baka Usagi' was as rare as well-cooked steak, not that he actually liked steak. "Why do you always do that? I hate that." When Kanda tried to push him off, the grip became tighter. "Why do you always run away, Yuu? What made you so scared of people?"

"What the fuck do you know?" He was at his snapping-point, he knew it. He was sick of this rabbit's holier-than-logic self, the way he always analyzed things. "You aren't my therapist, or my friend, for that matter. When are you going to realize I hate all of you, period?" He twisted torso and yanked free his shoulder from the idiot's grasp. "I'm leaving. When I come back, you better not be here." He grabbed him by the collar and pushed him into the wall. "The next time I see you, it better be in Hell. Any earlier, and your blood will be on the concrete."

He let him go and strode out of his apartment, leaving a stunned Lavi behind in his wake, not that he cared. He managed to do it, though. He had told him off, to the best of his ability, and now that idiot was no longer going to bother him. Part of him wished that the 'Joy to the World' hymn would play in the background, but it didn't. The only tune that played in the night was a cricket's chirp and a songbird's tragedy.

Tragedy was right. His heart hurt like hell, and he didn't know why. At least a thousand needles and then some were stabbing it like a squadron of fire ants taking down a praying mantis. Stinging, writhing pain, that was a good term for it. It made it hard for him to breathe, though he knew heart attacks were rare among young people. He shook his head and ignored it, or rather tried to, as he made his way to the richest hotel in the city— The Grandworth.

~O~

He was about fifteen minutes early as he reached the infamous 'Grandworth Boulevard', a long street that stretched for a mile. People often referred to it as 'The Rich Mile', because it was precisely that. Stores were mostly of cosmetics and jewelry and appealed to men with their exclusive golfing shops. It reeked of pompous pricks that ought to have a wooden spoon castrate them, or so Kanda thought. He was severely out of place, too. Everyone else wore 'nice' clothes and had 'proper' posture and 'polite' language. Fake smiles were plastered everywhere he looked, and only once did he see a child cry after a parents scolding.

At the center of it all stood the Grandworth Hotel, proudly hosting at least three or four Presidents in the past. It was the treasure trove for rich people. Including its many elegant floors, it had a sports bar, a casino, a massaging room, meditation sessions, three pools, and only God knew what else. He never stepped foot into the building and tried to avoid the street as much as possible, but now, he was willingly— willingly! —entering the snobbiest place in the world.

He passed through the front double doors, ignoring the looks that people gave him. He stood out like a clown in a business meeting, though he didn't really like clowns. Allen was more of a clown than he was, what with the white hair and scar. He pushed that thought aside as he tried his best to ignore the ornate décor of the building, making his way towards the reception desk. A woman in her twenties stood there in a nervous manner, biting her lower lip when he approached. She looked worn-out, though she stood tall anyways. A good woman, working her hardest to get through the day, even though Kanda could have cared less.

"H-Hello!" she greeted when he was within earshot. "Welcome to the Grandworth Hotel. My name is Miranda Lotto, and I am your attendant today. How may I be of service to you?"

"I'm looking for Adam Millennium."

'Adam Millennium' was an alias for the Millennium Earl. Everyone on the streets knew that, though they generally called him 'the Earl'. However, in particular cases such as this, it was the only name available. The Earl had to protect himself and his lackeys, after all. The woman typed in the name on the computer screen and nodded. "Yes, we have someone of that name on here. He is located on the tenth floor, room number one-oh-six, which is the third door on the right."

He muttered 'thanks' quickly before walking towards the stairwell. Alma tripped and stumbled in his mind, carrying a little golden ball in his hands. He had returned. Finally.

'What did I miss? Anything good?' He sat down on the log, the golden ball (which Kanda assumed was Timcanpy) flying around his head. 'Ooh, isn't this the Grandworth? Wow, I didn't think we would ever enter here in our entire lives. So you're really taking up on their offer, Yuu?'

Why else would I be here? He reached the tenth floor and proceeded down the hall. It's not like I would come here to be like everyone. I hate it here already, and I've only been here for about three or five minutes.

He counted three doors and stood before room 106. The numbers were proudly beaming in gold, which made him want to gag a little inside. His fingers reached out for the doorknob and hesitated. If he opened the door, there was no way of coming back. He shrugged, not particularly caring, and opened the door.

The room itself was large. The carpeting was white and decorated while the walls were an orange-tan color. The lights clung to the walls as they resembled a torch-like feature. Everything in there was 'beautiful' and 'perfect', and the only thing wrong with the picture was the lone candy-wrapper on the floor, crinkled and forgotten. He closed the door behind him and walked slowly towards the next room, partially uncomfortable. He hated this kind of 'looming' atmosphere, the suspense of it all. Why couldn't someone be there in the first room to greet him?

'It's strangely quiet in here,' Alma commented. 'And who is stupid enough to leave the front door unlocked?'

Alma, I leave my door unlocked. Kanda frowned. Besides, this is the Earl. If someone dares to try and cross him, he'll fucking kill them faster than a crocodile eating a human. He doesn't need to lock it.

'I guess that makes sense. You know, you have really strange similes.'

What the fuck is a 'simile'?

'…Are you sure you're in high school and not in kindergarten?'

Fuck off. He stepped into something that looked like a dining hall, where a long table extended and took up most of the room. A candleholder held three candles in the center, all of which flickering a flame. Plates were at each spot as a large meal laid before his eyes, ranging from lettuce and salad to steak and crocodile. The lights had been dimmed so low he couldn't even tell they were even on. People, six of them, were occupying the seats and looked up at him, all of which with curiosity in their eyes. He recognized one immediately, and it was the last person he expected.

"Rhode?"

She giggled as she spun a lollipop around her fingers, grinning. "Welcome, Kanda. We didn't actually think you would show up."

"Liar," he retaliated, hating the way her laugh needled into his mind and overrode every other sound there. "If you didn't think I would show up, why the hell are you all gathered here? It's obvious, you knew I would come."

"Settle down, Kanda. We're here to talk of business, not to play games."

His eyes moved off of Rhode and found themselves glued to the person who was at the head of the table. He was clothed in white and wore a black top hat to compliment it all. He was slightly round; though not overly fat, as the rumors said. Something about him was definitely unsettling. His eyes, mostly. His eyes were always moving about, never stopping. It was as if he couldn't make eye contact with anyone.

Because of it, he felt glued to the spot, partially out of terror, partially out of confusion.

"Please, have a seat," he said.

Kanda swallowed hard as he grabbed the chair and sat down, keeping his glare in tact. If anything, the safest thing to do was glare. It didn't show any fear, which was good.

"Seeing how you are sitting before us, you're taking our offer. I had a little bit of doubt, but seeing you now, I have great hopes for you." He took a sip of the drink that sat still on the table before putting it back down. "As you should know, we are the second-largest cartel in this country and in the world. Since you're here, you probably don't like the human race, either."

Yeah, I guess you could call it that. Kanda nodded.

"Good. Our plans," he said, stabbing his fork into a piece of meat, "are to collapse the world's economies and to ensue chaos, one country after another. We have almost all of the pieces in place, and you, Kanda, are going to help us with the last preparations. However, we aren't going to go into heavy detail of that tonight. First thing's first— introductions." He cleared his throat. "I'm the Millennium Earl, obviously. That there is Rhode Camelot. He's Skin Boric, as you should know, along with Jasdevi. He's Wisely, and that's Sheryl. The other two, Tyki and David, are out running an… errand for me."

So Tyki's a Noah, too? I always knew something was funny about him.

"One more thing, Kanda— Do you happen to have everything you need?"

He blinked, confused. Why is that important? "I suppose. I mean, I have no clothes, if that's what you mean by 'need'…"

"Not to worry." The Earl grinned. "We have enough money. Rhode would be happy to go shopping with you, anyways. We'll do that tomorrow. Aside from that, you have everything?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"Good. I was afraid that I was going to burn down your apartment building while you still had things of value to you in there." He masticated a piece of meat slowly before swallowing, watching Kanda's eyes slowly grow wide. "What? Is there a problem? We have to get rid of all evidence that you exist, period. Someone in there may know you. We're making it look like an electrical problem. It's set to start at midnight."

Midnight? He didn't want to admit it, but a creeping feeling of worry snuck behind him. Wait, the Baka Usagi and his grandfather will be sleeping by then. They're on a higher floor. If they start the fire there, there's no way in hell they're going to make it out alive.

'And that's bad how?' His friend in his head grinned. 'We kill two birds with one stone: Getting rid of that stupid idiot, and moving. Perfect, neh?'

Yeah, but… He left his thoughts off with that. He wanted to think, 'but shouldn't we do it some other way that does not involve the death of the idiot?', though Alma would just berate him for it. He wasn't supposed to give a damn about the idiotic rabbit, after all. It would just distract him from Alma.

"Anyways, we made arrangements for you to stay with us from now on." The Earl grinned eerily again. "Rhode will show you to your room. Tomorrow, I will let you in on one of the most important operations we must perform, after you withdraw from your high school. Does that sound good to you?"

He nodded, jaw clenched tight, as Rhode rose from her chair.

"This way, Kanda~"

He followed her, wondering what the hell he got himself into. Frankly, he knew the Earl was evil, but meeting him in person was the equivalent of an acid trip going terribly wrong. The small girl in front of her skipped on ahead, whistling as she went.

"Here you go!" she said, opening the door. Luckily for him, it was small and quiet, and had one lone window. "You'll stay here for the time being until we have to move again, alright? Sorry that it's small." She pursed her lips before giggling again. "You looked shocked when you first saw me. Was it really that surprising?" She tilted her head. "Come on, Kanda. I thought you were smarter than that."

"What, assuming someone is part of the Noah is only something smart people can do?" Kanda rolled his eyes as he entered his room. He let his bag slide to the floor as he crashed onto the bed.

"Well, whatever." Rhode grinned again as she started to close the door. "I'll leave you be until tomorrow, then. We're going to go shopping~"

Yaaaaa— fuck. I hate shopping. He glared at the door when it closed before rolling over onto his back. Are they really going to burn the building down? That seems a little drastic. It's probably to cover my tracks of existence, but still… His frown deepened as thoughts bombarded him. Baka Usagi is still there. Lenalee will worry. I don't know. I need to be here, though. I have to. This is my only chance to escape for good, there are no other options for me.

He glared at the ceiling, wondering partially if Lavi would be okay, even though he knew the answer: The Earl spares no one and leaves no one alive when he wants them dead.

But he's Baka Usagi. He'll be fine. Not that I care. Which I don't.

He rolled over onto his side and frowned. He grimaced as a hesitant thought managed to reach his mainstream thoughts:

Right?

~O~

Short chapter is short! I apologize. Next time, it'll be around 4,000 words or close to it, like the others. Anyways! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! I got lots of favorite notices for this story. You guys are as awesome as pumpkin pie, which is awesome in my book. See you in Chapter (Whoa, already?) Ten! —Mr. Ree