Chapter 9
Quinn's POV
Shelby called me in a panic to see if I could take Beth for the night. Apparently, her sitter had gotten the stomach flu and cancelled on her last minute. Once I made sure the restaurant was set for the night, I picked up Bethie from her home.
"Oh, Quinn you are a lifesaver!" Shelby exclaims, all dressed up, ready for a night on the town.
"Another date with…Colin, was it?" I ask. I see Shelby duck her head down as a blush creeps across the apples of her cheeks "Hey now! None of this bashfulness, Shelby Cocoran. Be in the moment and embrace what you have going on with this man you are obviously smitten with. The bigger question is when do I get to meet him? Has Beth met him yet?"
"Beth will be meeting him on Saturday afternoon. He suggested we go to the L.A. Zoo."
"Sounds like he knows his kid stuff. That is a great place for her to meet him," I tell her.
"We'll see how that goes. If it goes well, how about we have dinner at your restaurant sometime next week?" Shelby asks.
"That sounds great, Shel. Let me know what day and time works best. Now, let me get Beth off your hands so you can finish getting ready. You look radiant, Shelby. I really like this look on you," I say, giving her a big hug. "C'mon, BethieBoo. Time to skiddadle out of here. Your dinner is getting cold."
Beth comes rushing to the door with her school backpack and Eeyore in tow. I sling her overnight bag that Shelby hands me.
"Behave for your Mama Q, baby. Bedtime at 9pm, ok? Give me a kiss." Shelby asks, as she bends down to Beth's level.
"Yes, mom. I promise to be good. Have fun on your date with Mr. Colin. You behave yourself, too!"
Shelby and I both look at each other and just shake our heads.
After Beth has her meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and roasted vegetables, courtesy of Theo, we finish up her homework. She was in 5th grade in a Magnet school. Beth was #1 in her class, so she completed all of her homework with barely any help from me. Afterwards, I pull up Saved by the Bell on hulu and we watch a couple of episodes. I glance at the clock and see that it was already 8:30 pm. I feel Beth snuggle closer to me, half-asleep.
"C'mon, sweetheart. It's bath time."
"Mama Q, I can stay up until 9pm. Mom said so."
"Yes, honey but you are already sleepy. In the shower you go."
Beth barely protests, making her way to the bathroom. I go to her bedroom, turn down the sheets and fluff her pillows. I switch on her nightlight, a gold star, which was a gift from Rachel, of course. She comes tumbling in the room with her pjs on. She gets into bed and makes room for me. Beth knows that I will read to her and that I won't leave until she is asleep. I must have been zoning out, lying in bed with my daughter, because she notices.
"Mama Q? What are you thinking about? You look worried."
"Me, Bethie? Oh, it's just adult stuff." (I hated it when that excuse was used on me as a child.)
"Can I help?" she asks.
(Should I tell my almost 11-year old my very adult problem? She wouldn't understand. Heck, I don't even understand the predicament I am in.)
"Well, let's just say I have feelings for someone but I shouldn't."
"But Mama Q, feelings are good! Right?"
"Feelings are feelings, babygirl. You can have good feelings and bad feelings."
"So, these feelings you have are bad?"
"They are good feelings but they are for the wrong person."
Beth scrunches her nose upon hearing that. She takes a moment before grabbing a hold of my hand.
"Mama Q, do you remember Sawyer? He teases me a lot. Mom says it's because he likes me. I found out from his twin brother, Sullivan, that it's true. He really likes me but I don't like him that way. I think I like someone else."
I just wait and let her continue. If she wants to tell me, she will, I think to myself.
"The feelings I have, they make me happy. Whenever I'm with…her…my heart feels full. I don't ever want this feeling to go away."
Beth looks up to me with her tear-rimmed eyes.
"Oh, baby. It's okay, you know. It's okay to like girls and it's okay to like boys. You like who you like. You love who you love. It's just a part of you that's always been there, like your hazel eyes or blonde hair."
"Mom said that too. She told me that you like boys and girls and there was nothing wrong with that."
I respond, "Yes, Beth, that is true. Your mom and I agree that it doesn't matter who you like or who you love. What matters to us is that you are happy, healthy, and loved. We love you no matter what, sweetheart."
She takes a moment to absorb what I am telling her. Then, she beckons me closer with her finger. When my ear is at her lips, I hear her whisper:
"Riley. It's Riley, Mama Q. My best friend, Riley. And I don't know what to do," she says, as she crumples in my arms, crying.
(Well, would you look at that! Thanks, universe. My daughter and I are both in love with our childhood best friends.)
I let her cry, stroking her long, flaxen hair, still damp from her shower. Once she settles down and I can her her sobs subside, I begin:
"Beth, your feelings are not wrong. I know that these feelings can be scary because you don't know what to do about them. You are afraid of losing your best friend. You don't want things to change between you two. I can understand that because it happened to me, too. Loving your best friend as more than a friend is exciting! You already know all about her. You know that Riley's favorite color is blue and her favorite ice cream flavor it chocolate chip cookie dough. Don't be afraid of these feelings, baby girl. Somehow, someway, the universe will figure itself out. For now, there is no rush. You know how you feel about Riley, just like you know how you feel about Sawyer, right? (She looks up at me, nodding.)
"Mama Q, what if Riley doesn't feel the same way like I do? What if I tell her how I feel and she hates me and never want to be my friend again?"
At hearing this, I feel my heart break. This is certainly a possibility. Beth can have her heart broken by her best friend. I thought about her and Riley growing up. They met in 1st grade and have been two peas in a pod ever since. I can't say that I'm surprised this happened. Beth is more open to having feelings of the same-sex due to me being in her life. I have always been honest to her about my bisexuality, even if i didn't call it that to her. She knew that her Mama Q liked girls and boys. Oh god, did I do this to her? Make her confused? Well, I need to prepare her in case this happens because my life experience has taught me that falling in love with your best friend never ends well. I mean, look at me right now! Am I really going to admit that I am in love with Santana? That I never really stopped loving her? Focus, Quinn! Back to Beth! I give her a momma bear hug then look in eyes that look exactly like mine.
"I don't know what will happen if you decide to tell Riley how you feel, Beth. She may feel the same way or she may not. She may want to just stay friends or she could say that she doesn't want to be friends anymore." (At that, I feel Beth shake in my arms.) "What I do know is that you are my baby girl and I will be here no matter what happens. Your mom and I- we have your back. Listen to me good, Beth Lauren Cocoran. There is nothing wrong with you for liking a girl. These feelings you have- they are the good kind. Trust them because they come from here," I say, touching her fast-beating heart. "You have a beautiful, kind, loving, open heart. Don't let anyone or anything change that. I love you so much, baby."
"I love you too, Mama Q."
I give her one more squeeze before handing her Eeyore. I was wondering why she was sleeping with a stuffed animal again.
"Honey, what's with Eeyore?"
I finally see a smile return to my daughter's face. "It's a gift from JF."
I must have looked confused, trying to remember who that was.
"He's my nephew, Jesse Finn St. James! Rachel and Jesse's baby boy."
"Oh right, yes, of course." I had forgotten that Rachel had named the baby after Finn. What a tribute. How understanding of Jesse. He really was a great guy, even after the egg throwing incident.
"Well, I picked out Tigger for JF. Rachel told him to pick one out for me and he picked Eeyore. Whenever I hug him, I think of JF and my big sister. I miss them."
"I miss them too, honey. Now, it's definitely past 9 o'clock. I don't want your mom to get mad at me. Let's see, where did we leave off here?" I say, as I open up "Anne of Green Gables," the book I was reading to her on the nights I had her. I barely get 3 pages in when I see that she is fast asleep. I gently sneak out of her bed, making sure she had Eeyore next to her. I tiptoe to her doorway, illuminated by that gold star. I turn around to get one last look at my sleeping beauty, wondering where did all the time go. I whisper to myself, "Stop growing up so fast, baby girl," as I close her bedroom door 3/4ths of the way and head towards my bedroom down the hall. I had a lot to think about.
A lot of what I just told Beth pertained to my current situation. I was in love with my best friend, too. I knew that Santana wanted me. I wanted her too but that wasn't enough. I was in love with my best friend who was engaged to someone else. Do I go all in and tell her how I feel? Do I risk my heart? Do I risk making a complete fool of myself? As I contemplate this, my mind keeps returning to that night. That one imperfectly perfect night were Santana and I were together, without pretense or care: where we finally let our guards down and allowed ourselves to be fully seen; when I finally felt loved by someone else. I close my eyes and let the memories wash over me. I knew what I had to do. I was worth the risk.
