Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock.
How to: Ask Your Detective Personal Questions
OR
How to: Traumatize Your Landlady
John was a nosey son of a bitch.
He was aware of it, and it was a facet of his personality he had come to accept long, long ago. Conveniently, Sherlock had few secrets from him, and any he wanted to keep were so far out of John's reach that his nosiness was irrelevant: he'd never find out, anyway. Generally, this was fine. It just added to the air of mystery that made his flatmate so endlessly interesting and captivating.
There was one thing, though, that John Watson simply had to know, had to, and he decided he would find out using any means necessary, even if it meant walking right up to Sherlock and asking. He didn't even care what the answer was. But he had to know.
That was why he was currently standing in front of the world's only consulting detective, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, his mouth open and ready to form words any minute now.
He finally forced out, "Sherlock, do you ever, you know..."
Sherlock looked up from the newspaper he was scanning for potential cases, quirking an elegant eyebrow.
"John?"
"You know..."
"I'm afraid I don't."
John exhaled through his nose and steeled himself. "Sherlock, do you ever masturbate?"
The other eyebrow went up as Sherlock gave him a look of disbelief.
"I can't imagine why you want to know that."
"Me either."
"I should think the answer would be obvious."
"I should think so, too, but I honestly have no idea."
Sherlock tossed the newspaper aside irreverently and stood, forming himself into the anatomical position, hands at his sides, palms towards John, standing upright.
"Observe and deduce."
John stared at him, looking for any sign he could possibly make out either way, but, as it turned out, he wasn't Sherlock Holmes so this demonstration was remarkably unhelpful.
After a few moments, Sherlock nodded, then sat back down, resuming his newspaper.
"Satisfied?"
John sighed. "That didn't help me."
Sherlock rolled his eyes. "The answer is what you think, John."
"Well then, what do I think?" Because he honestly didn't know.
"How can you not know what you think? Is that something that happens to normal people? How dreadful..."
"Sherlock."
"John."
"Woo-"
"Sherlock, do you masturbate or not?!" John demanded loudly.
"-Hoo?"
John whipped around in time to see Mrs. Hudson's rapidly retreating back.
