Not Bruce Wayne at all, not the Joker we know and love. Well, the Joker we love, anyway. See, what does he look like?

"All white guys look the same to me. It depends on the artist, really. Greg Land just traces from porn stars."

"You would know." Yeah because he's so smart, he knows everything.

"But." said, uh, let's say Pamela. "We both know two things about Bruce Wayne – his parents are alive, and he really likes guns. Doesn't sound like the Joker to me."

"That's true, no one with parents would wear something that ridiculous in public." said Kathy, apparently unaware of what I wore when I was sixteen. If anyone wants pictures, send a comment.

"Yes, yes, yes, but, only if you follow a linear concept of time." said the Golden Riddler, who didn't.

"Here comes nonsense." braced Kathy.

"Bruce Way is a happy and well-adjusted young man" (cousin-fucker) "because his parents are sweet and loving. Now, say our friend Bruce had tragically lost his parents, Captain Mustache and Ambiguously Jewish Girl, at a young age."

Go on , Riddler. Or I'll riddle you with bullets.

"He would lose it, would he not? His parents are dead, he's got several billions to burn, his butler's a war vet. He's a vigilante, like Vigilante. Dishing out cold justice. He must become someone else. He must become something else. Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot. He must become...a Joker."

"There are a hundred billion reasons why that's bullshit." Said our redheaded friend. "But, the most obvious one is, Thomas and Martha are very much alive, and well, too. Thomas is doctoring, Martha has her charity groups. They're alive, and Bruce is just a playboy."

"In this world, sure." said the Riddler, diddled. "But, strange aeons. The Joker is probably some… dimensional surfer."

"That's beyond impossible." Sounds like a meaningless thing to say, but, trust me. It's all about string theory. Our molecules vibrate, and only exist in a fraction some universal time. When time is frozen for us, the Joker exists in his universe. But he's hopped, somehow. Nonsense. I thought you were supposed to be smart, Golden Riddler.

"Oh, I am smart, my dear narrator. Brilliant. So brilliant, it's stupid." the Golden Riddler told me. E. Nygmatic fellow, I know. But, what he meant was he was bound to do something. And the girls were bound.

I built the Taj Mahal.

It's always like that, isn't it? Pretty young ladies, an evil villain in a colorful costume, rope and machinery. Tied to the assembly conveyor belt. Naked naked naked, because I'm not PG Wodehouse (I wish). The belt is moving towards a stomping thingie. They move slowly, and erotically, to their deaths. In peril like Pauline.

"Deadshot, you hear that?" asks the cat. "The Golden Riddler's a baddie now." I'll top him.

She jumps down, lands on her feet, like always. You're in trouble now, skinny. Kitty has claws. Fsss.

"You might be adorable, but humans are usually more intelligent than cats. And, I am usually more intelligent than humans." So says the riddleman. He flashes red, like Flash's red.

"A red dot? My only weakness!" The kitty chases the dot, unaware, it seems, that light, amplified by stimulation of electromagnetic radiation, can't exactly be caught.

The riddler keeps playing with the laser pointed, and that poor cat has no choice but to chase him, to no effect. Some readers might find it offensive that Selina Kyle has been dispatched so easily, but there's precedent in comics for that type of stuff. She loses, a lot. Easy on the eye, though.

Linux: Deadshot, you gotta save her. And the girls too if there's time.

"I'm on my way, Linux. We should have figured mister big brain was up to something rotten."

Yes, it's true, high IQ is usually correlated with crime. I don't remember if it's a direct or inverse correlation, but I'll keep writing, since automatic writing doesn't leave a lot of time for research. Don't worry, I still get laid a lot.

"Yeah, just not by other people." laughs the Golden Riddler, evily. He clutches his can and swings it around in an effeminate, but still sexually threatening to women, way. Get over here, Bruce, the girls are closer to being made into wheatcakes any minute. Ever wondered why Batman never gets stuck in traffic?

He uses the carpool lane. That's what Robin is for. Hah! Just thought of that.

But that won't do. Edward Nashton, he has a brain like John Nash's, but it's also like John Nash's. He's got a crush on Kathy and Pam, which means he wants to crush them under a giant piece of quarter-flattening factory machinery. The girls are bound, nowhere to go. All of that is for important artistic literary reasons, not because it gives me a boner.

Who, then, will save the pretties? Here's a hint – it's the Joker.

Clang! The marotte breaks the factory window and the Jester of Justice hops in, like a Mossad Agent played by young Christopher Walken.

Okay, back. Turns out it was a metadata gathering issue, if you can believe it. So stupid. Anyway, where were we? Joker on the factory window, right. It's weird, I used to work in a factory, and I never noticed the windows. I know it did have them, for ventilation and stuff, up on the top (so the workers couldn't jump out), but there was also this huge fan. Literal huge fan haha. The joke is usually the other way around.

"Hah!" cried the Golden Riddler, brandishing his cane like a sword, which is something my grandfather used to do in his last years, when the Alzheimer's thing got way bad. I know that sounds funny, but it's true, not a joke. It's weird, the mental image. For me, it's pretty tragic.

Joker doesn't talk, just moves. Marotte in hand, it's time to bash the Riddler's unusually large brain in. What kind of psycho gets off on harming women?

"That's what I'd like to know, so I can join the abstinence meetings." I said. I mean, the Golden Riddler. Bruce sees the duo fight, clashing cane and marotte like Game of Thrones swords. He got there on Danaerys' dragon, which can teleport apparently.

"You'll soon be the world's smartest cadaver." says the Joker. Riddler is a strong nerd, but still, no match for a nineteen-twenties era silent movie comedian. Seriously, those guys were ripped. Joker tires him out.

It is obvious that Joker won the fight. The girls are saved by Deadshot, and dressed again because the action is pretty much over. The kitty tired herself out and is taking one of her famous naps. The Golden Riddler is defeated.

TWIST.

"You have the right to remain Silent, Bob." Kevin Smith wrote some Batman stories.

"I'll give that right up, for the right instead to gloat." Gloated the Riddler. "For, you see, I am the Victor."

No, Victor left with his wife for Russia. And they say you're smart.

"But I am, aren't I?" asks Edward, already tied up, but not in a sexy way cause he's a dude. "For I promised Deadshot and Lady, plus her girlfriend Pamela, and the computer bastard who's giving order to That Darn Cat® I'd tell you all about the Joker."

"Tell your story to the Horror in Arkham." The Joker perpwalks him.

"Yes, and here you are now, you see. I've been in character all along. I'm not a villain, nor do I have any interest in pretty redheads like the pair or diamonds in front of us. So I get them under my thumb, and reveal my 'evil' hidden intentions. That would attract the obviously-tapping-everyone's-communicators Joker, who would 'beat' me, but not lethally because that's not cricket. Now, Ladies and Gentleman, you've got the Joker in your hands, ready to unmask. Either he lets me go (I'm in favor of this idea) or you unmask him." said the Riddler. Except Joker's not wearing a mask. He meant it metaphorically, you see, the Joker "mask."

"He's right, Deadshot." Shot Linux "You overpower Joker now, you'll know all there is to know about him. Golden Riddler planned the whole thing from the start." If you believe him.

"He tied us to a conveyor belt!" squealed Pamela, grumpy. Though, I don't really think grumpy people can squeal. Bitter people, fidgety people, whiny people, or childish people. "Grumpy" and "squeal" don't match.

"You were never in danger." said the Riddler. "The machines have failsafe sensors, anything thicker than a pizza goes near, the thing stops, to prevent grievous bodily harm."

It's true, you know. Though I suppose he could have modified the equipment so the failsafe is ignored. Any evidence against the conspiracy is evidence for the conspiracy.

Joe Chill is the scum of the earth. His parents would've been better off flushing him and raising the turd.

"How did you know I wouldn't be able to come?" asked Deadshot.

"SATISFYING ANSWER TO THE QUESTION" answered the Golden Riddler.

"Seems like you thought of everything." said Kathy.

"Yes, dear girl, I thought of everything. Ten years ago. I've been playing chess in my head with everyone on earth. I know everything. Just ask my sidekick, the talking motorcycle voiced by Owen Wilson."

"You've got" "A bit of an ego? I knew you were going to say that. And in my case, modesty would be a lie. I am a genius, genius. Ask me anything, I dare you."

I'd rather not. In fact, I'm done with you, Ed Nygma, or Ed Nashton, or Riddler or Golden Riddler, or whatever you want to call yourself. You got a big brain, huh? Let's see how you handle it. Drop

And drop he did. He's not dead, because corpses can't feel pain. And screaming is usually a sign of pain. Also, clutching the head. Learn your place, Riddley. Nobody gets out Scott Free.

We need to take him to a hospital. If only one of us was a doctor's son, OH WAIT.