Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 9

"Oh…God…" Carolyn heard Meredith's soft gasp as she stopped and placed her hand over her heart, watching her husband who lay with his eyes closed, overwhelmed by the realization of what could have been, what their life together, or her life alone could have become. Carolyn stepped closer to her and wrapped her arm around her daughter in law's waist.

"Meredith," Carolyn spoke softly, "sweetheart…Derek's doing just fine…you heard your friend Cristina, he's off the ventilator…and he was asking for you."

Cristina who had gone back in his intensive care unit, and in a moment for Ripley's Believe It or Not, was hovering over Derek, adjusting his blankets when she turned and saw her friend standing frozen to the spot as his mother spoke to her, and she could tell something was wrong. Even from a distance she could tell her friend was taking deep breaths as she recognized the look of anguish on her face, the same look she'd failed to see earlier, as Meredith had paused in the resident's lounge and faced the heartbreaking loss of what would have been a dream come true for her husband; abruptly ended by a crazed man's bullet and subsequent physical and emotional consequences.

"Mer," Cristina was at her side almost instantly, "he's fighting going to sleep because he wants to see you…talk to you. But, he's very tired, so we let him drift off, and are holding off a sedative for now. We thought we'd wait for you to get here before we got his attention again."

"Ok," Meredith responded.

Cristina continued talking, trying to offer some reassurances. "Teddy just left, that should tell you something…she's sure he's going to be fine. I even encouraged Owen to go with her, and have her get something to eat. She still needs to split her time between the hospitals," she said, withholding the information about Alex, for now.

"Cristina," Carolyn spoke, something was obviously wrong; determined to give the two women a chance to talk in private. She wasn't going anywhere, neither were his sisters, so she could also give her son and his wife the time alone they needed. "We're going to be right out here, why don't you go in, let Meredith spend time with Derek, and we'll wait for the next time he wakes."

"Mrs. Shepherd," Cristina said, "if he's up a little longer…I'll come and get you."

"Thank you dear," Carolyn said, and hugged Meredith. "Go on sweetheart. You spend this time with my son. Tell him we're here, that we'll be here with you, and that we love him."

"He knew," Meredith murmured quietly, "that you'd be here."

Carolyn gave her one last gentle hug, "go to your husband, it's you he'll want with him right now," she had no doubts at all that is what her son would want, just as her husband would have wanted but was figuratively and literally robbed of that time, and turned to join her daughters.

"Mer," Cristina said, "she's right."

"I don't know," Meredith said, and Cristina again saw the look of absolute anguish on her face, "If I can…Cristina…he'll know," she bit her lower lip, "he knows me…I can't face him…if I have to tell him."

"Listen to me," Cristina said quietly. "You can do this…"

"I can't," Meredith looked over at her husband, "he'll be so disappointed."

"He's alive," Cristina told her, "he fought to live…so you two…"

"Cristina," her eyes filled with tears, "I should have told him…he'd have been happy…he was so unhappy when I went in to tell him…but, maybe, if I'd told him…he'd have been so happy…so happy…"

"Nothing would have changed," Cristina was adamant, "that lunatic was already here."

"He…Derek," she shook her head, her eyes closed, hours of thinking convincing her of what she was saying. "He'd have wanted to celebrate, I know him…he would probably have suggested we go some place, just for a little while, to that restaurant…for breakfast, like our first date," her eyes remained closed, " to feed me and the," a stray tear slipping down her face, "we'd have been away from here, he wouldn't have been shot…I wouldn't have…I…there… could have been another chance…I'd still be…" she couldn't bring herself to say the words baby or miscarriage aloud in his room.

"You listen to me," Cristina scolded, though gently, "nothing would have changed…"

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you," she forced Meredith to look at her.

"Cristina," she met her gaze, "he would have been so happy…"

"He'll be happy that he's alive…that you're alive…"

"Everything…no matter what…leads me back to dark and twisty…maybe," she took a deep breath, "you were all right, I am the president of people with crappy lives…except I'm the one that brings crap to people's lives."

"Meredith," Cristina said, "don't do this … it's been a crap day…the worst of days…but, Derek's alive…Mer…you both are…and I'm not being insensitive," she reached over and wiped the tears from her friend's face. "I swear…I'm not…but…you're alive…Mer…there's time…you have more time," she said softly and uncharacteristically sentimental, "and once you get through this…I know that one day…I'm going to be a godmother."

"Cristina," Meredith's broken sob made her friend reach out and hug her ever so briefly, as the three older women of his family looked on, and she got hold of her emotions.

"He... knows something's wrong…and my face… he tells me always gives me away…and I can't tell him Cristina…not now…not yet."

"You're going to go in there, and you will do what you've done so well for so long.
Avoidance Mer…it's ok this time, until you feel you can tell him…you can do this Meredith…you are stronger than anyone I know…you can go in there and do this."

"I have to…" Meredith said as some semblance of calm returned. "I know I do," she faced her friend, "and I'll be fine."

"Mer," Cristina said, "whatever you do…don't tell him you're fine…"

Meredith smiled slightly, her friend knew them well. "I love you Cristina. I couldn't ask for a better friend…a better sister."

"Neither could I," Cristina nudged Meredith forward, and they both walked over to wash their hands before linking her arm through Meredith's, offering her unconditional support and leading her to his bedside.

"Mom," Kathleen put her arms around their mother, "aren't you going in?"

"No," Carolyn told her, as she accepted her daughter's comfort. "They need this time…alone."

"Mom," Nancy said, "then let's go sit down."

"I was sitting for hours on the way here, and in that waiting room."

"So have we," Nancy said, "and I'm tired," she was, but it was much more a ploy to get their mother off her feet, "and I'm a lot younger than you."

"You're not that much younger," Carolyn told her, "I had you very young."

"Mom," Kathleen said, as she saw the heartbreak in her mother's eyes. "You don't have to be strong for us…this can't be easy for you."

"It's not," her mother admitted as her eyes welled with tears, "I'm barely hanging on...I've no strength left in me…all you see is a façade …for him and Meredith."

Comforted by both daughters as she stood between them, Carolyn Shepherd shared her fears. "I keep seeing you father…over and over again… we didn't have enough time…not nearly enough," she nodded incredulously, "they need this time…alone…"

"Mom," Nancy said, "there's nothing weak about you…you are…have always been our strength…"

"I never thought," Carolyn leaned into her younger daughter, "I'd have to deal with this again…when Dad…when he was gone…and now…"

"Ma," Kathleen said, slipping into the less often used name, "Derek's going to be ok…you heard what Mark said, his prognosis is excellent, he's already breathing on his own and it's been less than eight hours…he's not going to die."

"He can't," Carolyn whispered, "he won't…"

"He's going to be just fine," Nancy said trying to reassure herself.

"All those rosaries," Carolyn smiled at her.

"Never failed me," her daughter told her, and kissed her mother's cheek as the three women stood together, each feeling overwhelming fears of their own, but together they reflected an image of strength and immense family love and support.

The three women watched their brother's wife reach his bedside and in the moments that followed, none unaffected by the undeniable and evident deep feelings between the couple.

"Derek," Meredith whispered as she reached his side, and held his hand gently, "you're doing so well…and I know you may be sleeping…you need to sleep, so don't feel you need to wake up now…you can sleep," the gentle squeeze was felt immediately.

His eyes fluttered open, his gaze searching for hers, his thumb caressing the back of her hand, willing her to know all he felt, even if he knew he could now speak.

Cristina walked out of the room the moment she saw him open his eyes.

"I love you too," she followed his lead with a similar caress, though she voiced her thoughts. "So much," she said, and before he could say a word, she leaned in and placed her lips on his, briefly lingering before she pulled away and heard his voice.

"Best…" his voice was hoarse, the effects of the intubation evident, even if it had not been for long, "kiss," he paused, speaking a bit painful, "ever…"

"Oh…Derek," she choked on her words, her emotions and vulnerability heightened by so many circumstances. "I love you…I love you so much…"

"Love …" his eyes filled with tears, "of my life…"

"Don't talk," she told him, "you don't have to talk," she caressed his forehead, leaned in again and kissed his lips again, having vowed over and over as she stood over him, her hands never breaking contact with his face as Cristina performed surgery, he'd never need to ask her for a kiss again.

"Have…tell you," he's discomfort was noticeable, "lived…for you…"

"Me too," she said absently, a seldom voiced reference to her drowning.

"Because," he emphasized, pausing for air, "of you…"

"I love you," she told him, and now that there were no tubes taped to his mouth, gently cradled his face in her hands, "I knew…you'd keep your promise…"

"Always," he barely whispered, but his eyes filled with tears, the thought of leaving her, leaving her alone was too much to bear, too much for her to deal with when she'd already been dealt so much in her life, and she kissed away the tear that slipped away and stopped the flow of others, "spend lifetime…with you…"

"Yes," she smiled softly, trying to block the continuing physical discomfort her body made impossible to avoid, "the rest of our lives…together…"

Derek looked deep into her eyes, their souls exposed, hers hiding a sadness that now became familiar to him, he'd seen it earlier, and his thumb continued to repeat the litany of his emotions, tenderly and purposely caressing the back of her hand.

"Sad…" he whispered, and she knew it to be a question.

"I'm…" and without thinking answered him, "fine…"

"No," he only squeezed her hand and shook his head, daring her to contradict him. Words difficult with his throat irritated still.

"You almost died today," she choked on her words. "I can't lose you…and I was a little sad and worried… but now that I see you and you're doing so well…Cristina and Teddy and Owen are so pleased with how you're responding."

"Mer…" he said with great effort.

"No talking," she caressed his face, "you need to rest…"

"You too…"

"You know," she smiled at him, and talked to keep him from doing so. "I was telling your Mom and your sisters, we came up with this method of communication," she squeezed his hand once, then twice, "and this," she said as she caressed the back of his hand, "was my favorite, but I kept that between us…"

He smiled weakly, and told her that he loved her with their private and silent communication.

"I told them, we should have just written things out and have you point…much less effort, but Kathleen and Nancy both said they were sure you'd preferred our method… the contact between us." He squeezed her hand twice, and then again, I love you.

"Derek," she said softly, "your sisters have been here, and were so worried about you…are you up to it? Do you want to see them and your Mom…just for a few minutes, so they can go and get some rest?"

He was week as a newborn, and it took every effort to speak, so he squeezed her hand.

"I'm going to get them…ok? Just for one second…I'll be right back," she said, and before she walked away, held his face in his hands and kissed him softly.

Cristina had joined his family and the inevitable doctors in them had bombarded her with detailed questions about his condition, most of which she felt could be answered without violating any patient rights, figuring that if they were calm and kept informed it could only help Meredith to deal with the matriarchal clan's sudden descent upon Seattle.

The minute Meredith began to walk away from his bedside Derek closed his eyes and momentarily gave in to the absolute physical exhaustion that had taken over his body.

"Mer," Cristina looked up, "you ok?" She asked as she approached her friend who was now at the doorway.

"Yes. Came to get his Mom and sisters."

"I'll do it," Cristina turned back to them, and Meredith saw the look of relief on their faces as they each walked in to the intensive care unit.

"Thank you," Nancy said, surprising Meredith as she kissed her cheek, and went straight to wash her hands before gong near him, followed by Kathleen and Carolyn; none were taking any chances, as they knew the importance of avoiding any type of infections during this critical period of recovery.

"Meredith dear," Carolyn spoke, "how is he?"

"He's tired," she told her, "but he wanted to see you," and allowed his mother to walk ahead of her and bridge the small distance to his bedside; his sisters on the other side of the hospital bed.

"Derek," Meredith held his hand and spoke softly. "Your Mom and sisters are here now."

"Uhmm," a soft sound of acknowledgement, but his eyes remained closed.

"You sleep dear," Carolyn said, and lay her hand on his arm. "Forget that we're here. Meredith's been very sweet to have us come in now, when you really should be resting."

Nancy saw her sister's reaction, always the level headed psychiatrist; now about to breakdown when she saw their brother hooked up to monitors and far too many tubes attached to his body for comfort, and put his arm around her older sister. "Don't you dare Kathleen," she whispered, "think of Mom."

Derek heard his sister's voice, in spite of his mother's talking to him, too many years around them made him an expert in following more than one conversation, even one not meant to be heard, and his eyes opened slowly, connecting with Meredith's as his thumb gently caressed her, and she smiled softly, "me too…"

"Ma…" he looked at his mother, the one word spoke of all he felt for the woman that had kept their family together after his father had been shot dead, "I'm ok."

"I know you are," Carolyn Shepherd hid her fears well as she smiled at her son, "you're young and healthy and from all I've heard, had the best of care…and are going to be just fine, especially if Meredith continues to look after you…and even her friend Cristina seems to be hovering over you and making sure nothing is overlooked."

Meredith did not release his hand, wouldn't have been able to if she'd wanted to, as he was not about to let her go, and then he turned to his sisters, and she witnessed true bonds of familial love, but she also saw the look of surprise on his face over the comment about Cristina. One more thing to explain; who had actually saved his life.

"Kat," he whispered as their eyes met, "Nancy's right."

"Oh…God…" Kathleen said, unable to comply with her siblings' unspoken request, and tears held at bay; since the moment she'd faced her mother at the airport, her resolve to remain calm for her; dissolved in seconds as she looked at her brother, and she too was transported back to the day she'd seen their father's lifeless body in a hospital room for the last time, giving them all a chance to say goodbye.

Derek reached for her hand, "I'm alive …I'm ok…"

The tears kept flowing, "you better be," she said, as he squeezed her hand as tightly as his very limited strength allowed.

"Will…" he said simply, the emotional exhaustion overpowering the physical, and closed his eyes when she leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"We should let him get some rest," Nancy said quietly, "Meredith…you should too…"

Derek opened his eyes, releasing Kathleen's hand and reaching for Nancy's. "Like Ma…you take care…"

"Derek," Carolyn smiled, her heart feeling lighter by his teasing; he'd always done that, tried to make things better while he guarded himself emotionally, never sharing or revealing too much, almost never discussing his father's death, the circumstances of which, he'd asked her hours ago to share with his wife. "Sweetheart, you are insulting your sister, and you must know, she hasn't quite forgiven you yet, for that very same comparison the time she visited you."

"Maggie can't keep a secret, you know that," Kathleen smiled at him, the sisters for the first time in hours began to believe nothing would go wrong, not this time. "Nancy told her…and well…of course Mom found out."

"I promise," Nancy told him, knowing he needed to hear it. "I'll be just like her…while I'm here," and the brother and sister understood what he was asking of her. "I'll stay here tonight and Mom and Kathleen will get to the hotel and get some rest."

"Absolutely not," Carolyn said. "I'm staying here till he's out of this unit."

Derek looked at his sister, squeezed her hand, "all…Mer…go home."

"I'm not leaving you," Meredith told him, just as defiantly as his mother.

"Rest," he squeezed the hand he'd never let go of, "please…"

"I will," Meredith said to him, "I'll rest while you sleep."

"That's settled," Carolyn said, "you girls can go home. I will keep Meredith company."

"Like Ma…" Derek said to his sister.

"Just like her," Nancy said, "obviously…we're all spending the night," and with that said, he closed his eyes, and after a few minutes opened them again and met Meredith's gaze first, as his caress continued to tell her how he felt, and then looked at each of his sisters and settled on his mother.

"We love you Derek," Kathleen said, "get some sleep…"

"Love you…" he paused, breathing a bit labored, before he finished, "all," and finally succumbed to the inevitable and expected fatigue.

Cristina witnessed the entire exchange, marveling at her person's acceptance of the familial emotional overload, and left the room quietly to secure three additional chairs, which would be totally unacceptable under any other circumstances as the room was already cramped with the one recliner, and she placed one chair close to it; positioning the other two just outside the cubicle, but close enough not to have any complaints that would surely be voiced by the Shepherds.

"Mer," Cristina said when she got back and found her friend had remained standing by Derek's bed. "You need to get off your feet."

"I'm fine," she answered instinctively.

"Don't make me force you out of here…"

"Cristina…"

"Sit your ass down on that chair," Cristina whispered, "he's sleeping, and will be for hours, you know he needs that rest, he's IV has a mild sedative I'm about to increase."

"I'm…ok…"

"Meredith," Cristina said in warning. "You're not ok."

"I'll sit down," she agreed, and Cristina went around the bed to administer the dosage of medication required for the hours remaining of this night.

Throughout the rest of the night, Meredith insisted Carolyn take the recliner but she'd flatly refused, insisting Meredith needed to rest after the traumatic events of the day; unaware, yet somehow instinctively understanding much more than met the eye had taken place, and when she looked at her daughter in law, she sensed an emotional and physical fragility that equaled her son's.

Meredith was forced from his bedside several times, the inevitable physical discomfort of a miscarriage making it impossible to forget or avoid it; the memory of the moment she realized she was about to lose the baby forever etched in her heart.

"Nancy," the sisters sat side by side, Kathleen laid her head on her sister's shoulder, "you're right. Something's wrong with her, and it's not necessarily related to Derek…I'm not saying that's not part of it, but there's something more going on…have you noticed, each time she's left the room, when she comes back, you can tell she's been crying, and there's this deep sadness in her eyes."

"I'm not sure we can ask…." Nancy said. "She's been very gracious. Especially after our initial meeting," they continued to speak quietly, "I'd probably have kept me away."

"Mom liked her," Kathleen continued to speak quietly, "was convinced she was the right one for Derek the moment he met her."

"She did," Nancy agreed. "I don't think it's about them…you can tell they love each other. Kat, I never saw him look at Addie the way he looks at her, his concern for her."

"I never saw Addie look at him, or look after him the same way."

"Well," Nancy said, "to be fair, he was never shot and …his life on the line."

"Nancy," Kathleen faced her sister. "I don't feel the need to be fair to Addison anymore. She cheated on him with Mark, he walked in on them, in their bedroom, on their bed."

"I'm not disagreeing with you. Believe me; after I found out, my relationship with Addie was never the same. We barely stay in touch now, and you already know that. I'm just pointing out the circumstances are different."

"Differences be damned," Kathleen told her. "Mom was right, clearly, Meredith is the woman for him. Any doubts I may have had initially, there aren't any now."

"The seal of approval," Nancy smiled at her, her turn to seek comfort as she lay her head on her sister's shoulder. "The two Shepherd pillars…you and Ma…"

"Mom never liked Addie," Nancy said. "Remember that Thanksgiving…"

"Unforgettable," Kathleen chuckled softly. "Mom was right."

"Kat," Nancy said, "should we ask her?"

"She's dealing with a lot of emotions, Derek being shot, the circumstances, most people will require some type of counseling…let's wait and see…maybe we're imagining things…and are being nosy."

"We are nosy," Nancy responded. "But, really…Kat…it's not about that…she's really sad, and it's just as sad to watch her."

"Let's give her time and we can still keep an eye on her…Derek would want that."

"Yes," Nancy agreed. "He's made that clear in the few things he said to us."

Unbeknownst to them, the conversation between Kathleen and Nancy, and Meredith's actions in the hours and days that followed would become the foundation of a lifetime of mutual respect and support amongst the three women, a foundation of familial ties and bonds that would lead them to think of each other as sisters.

Meredith continued to hover over Derek, his hand in hers anytime she got up and went to check on his vitals, to make sure he was breathing properly, and then she'd return to the chair, forced by the physical side effects of their loss; while the emotional repercussions allowed his family to witness the ebb and flow of tears she did nothing, or perhaps more appropriately, even if she'd tried, she could do nothing to hide.

A/N – 18JUL10 - There's nothing like negative comments to make you reassesses, or reaffirm the course a writer takes on a story. Many of you will not like the way I've chosen to depict the characters in my stories, and I apologize in advance for any that read and are disappointed.

*** I should clarify the comment was about Heartbreaking Reverberation's Ch 27 and Meredith being whiny in that story, and that story and Epilogue were completely finished. But, as I'd just completed Ch 8 of this one, it did indeed make me rethink the rest of this story, as my characterization of Meredith is rather similar in most of my stories.***

This post six fan fiction was my personal therapeutic view of the finale, and how some of the characters deal with the events that took place. Hence, if it's as "earth shattering" as Rhimes claims, and as Ellen Pompeo said prior to its airing, anything can and will happen, then my therapeutic version may well have the same comment applied to it, well, some people will act differently than they have in the past.

Constructive criticism is always appreciated, however, if readers find the characters I write whiny and unlikeable, then I'd encourage you to please discontinue reading and not subject yourselves to such a waste of time.

Meredith Grey, many say is a whiny character, in my eyes, if she is…and I don't find her to be so, she's more than entitled; after we learned that she sat in a pool of her mother's blood waiting for her to pass out before calling for help…I say, she's entitled to whine for as long as she wants!

Apologies for the comment, I admit the negativism throws one off a bit…I hope any of you that continue reading will enjoy the path I've chosen for the rest of this story, which won't be long. I had intended 15 to 20 chapters, certainly not more, but depending on the interest, may actually cut it back and provide a narrative to wrap it up. Warm regards, Jasmin