Long time no see! Quick update...

Disclaimer: Not mine, because Hashirama has mop hair!


Chapter 9: History Lessons of Doom

"I'm not sure if you're being serious, or if you're trying to be funny." Obito folded his arms and stared at the swirl-face dubiously.

"I'm being serious," Tobi claimed.

"Uh, sure," Zetsu snorted. "Because digging a hole to a foreign nation that doesn't even exist is possible."

"I'm serious! We can conquer an eastern island off the coast of Konoha, become the Kages, and then take over the shinobi world!"

"I've decided that you're trying to be funny," Obito finished. "There's no such thing as Hurricane, and no such the Whirlpool, and for the last time, no one cares about the poop!"

"POOP?"

"You idiot," snarled Zetsu. "Why'd you bring it up when he didn't mention it?!"

"Oh shut up," snapped Obito.

"Actually," interjected Madara, who was sitting casually upon a rock ledge and polishing a gigantic shuriken to the point where it was impossibly shiny and Obito could see his own face even from such a distance. His legs dangled, he was barefoot, and he looked sort of ridiculous up there, cleaning a shuriken of all things. "Both of those countries existed. Past tense."

"Past tense?" echoed Obito.

"Yes. Whirlpool was demolished in war, and I haven't heard much of Hurricane, only that it disappeared…"

"Old man, how would you know if you're stuck in here?" Zetsu asked bluntly.

Madara threw the grass-headed boy a hot glare, his face spelling murder. Though, if he killed off Zetsu, one of the ones hanging creepily from the Gedo Mazou would giggle, detach himself, and saunter up to the group as if nothing had happened.

"Ooh, ooh! History lesson!" Tobi clapped his hands, then mysteriously tapped his swirl-mask, and then stuck a finger into his eyehole and fished out a bag of chips.

"How long has that been in there?" Zetsu asked apprehensively.

"Uh, dunno. Three weeks? I can't count Zetsu, remember?! Zetsu's being mean to me!"

"Zetsu, don't be mean to Tobi," chided Madara lightly.

"What the hell, what does that mean?!" demanded the plant boy.

"Language, Zetsu, language," mocked Obito, rolling his eyes. Madara glanced wearily at the bickering children, and noticed in particular the scowl that Obito was dishing out to the other two. It reminded him vaguely of himself.

"At least I can lift the freaking stone," Zetsu was saying. What stone? Madara felt that old age must've been catching up to him — he was so amazing, even a hundred years had nothing on him — because he had no clue what the kids where talking about, and he was consistently getting confused. Maybe he should sleep more.

"You're a blockhead," spat Obito. "When this arm's all trained up, I'll be stronger than all of you!"

"I thought you said that you thought you sucked at taijutsu," Tobi strung together rather pointlessly. Obito shoved the swirl-face, who in turn dropped in bag of chips, and then began to wail.

"Obito," admonished the old Uchiha. He slid down from his ledge, landing lightly on the ground and dusting himself off. Madara drew an old scroll from his sleeve, and rolled out a small portion of it, letting the giant shuriken puff back into its seal. "Manners, child. The Uchiha are of noble blood."

"I'm very respectful," retorted Obito. Then he shut his mouth, because he wasn't being respectful at all. So instead, he offered an apologetic hand to Tobi, sprawled on the floor crying over his chips, and the swirl-face accepted gratefully. "Sorry."

"It's okay, 'Bito. I know you're a good boy," Tobi said, contradictorily jerking a thumb at himself.

"Tobi is a good boy, but Obito, I'm not too sure about you," Zetsu said flatly.

"So, old man," called Obito, ignoring Zetsu, "what was this about a Whirlpool country again?"

"Isn't your teacher's wife from Whirlpool?" Madara said back irately. "Child, do you learn nothing of geography and history in the Ninja Academy?"

"Kushina-san? Uh, I dunno, she's got red hair," Obito replied pointlessly. He was again reminded of his worse than terrible grades in the Academy, a place where he either fell asleep and drooled on his lesson book, or botched his way through the tests as best he could. "And as for the Academy, if you haven't noticed, I'm pretty dull."

"You admitted it!" exclaimed Zetsu, clapping his hands. Obito suppressed the urge to shove the grassy-topped plant boy, whose lips were widening in a horrifically sharp smile.

"No, I didn't admit it, I knew it already!" snapped Obito, folding his arms again. "Like you'd do any better in the Academy, Zetsu."

"Oh yeah? What's the capital of the Hot Springs Country?" challenged Zetsu.

"Uh, how would I know that?!"

"See? It's the Hidden Hot Springs Village!"

"That's dumb," snorted Obito.

"It's true," justified Zetsu, grinning even wider than before, if possible. Tobi munched on the remainder of his chips – which were more like the crumbs left in the bag – as Madara groaned at the remaining mess on the floor.

"Old man, do you know a lot of history?" Obito asked, another pointless question.

"Child, I am history," deadpanned Madara, glaring.

"But you've been stuck in a cave, how do you know anything that has happened recently?" inquired the younger Uchiha.

"Zetsu," Madara answered simply. "is my informant."

Zetsu threw Obito a smug smirk as he sauntered over to the Gedo Mazou and patted its base. "There's a gazillion of me, and we all can pass through the earth," he explained. "Unlike you, though, we can't Kamui anywhere we want."

"Kamui-land!" exclaimed Tobi. "Obito, do you know what I found in Kamui-land one day?"

"What." Obito wished desperately that Tobi would not answer the question, because he'd heard this line several times. It usually ended with Tobi announcing that he found underpants, watermelons, or some form of otherworldly foot fungus in the realm that Obito's Mangekyo led to.

"I found…TOBI-LAND." Tobi handed his empty bag of chips to Obito and told him to suck it into another dimension. Knowing full well that the swirl-face would persist until he agreed, Obito activated his Sharingan and swept the crinkling plastic bag into his right eye.

Then, just as mysteriously as he always did, Tobi stuck a finger into his eyehole and produced the same bag of chips.

Or was it really the same bag?

"You just had another one in there," Obito accused. Despite this, he wasn't quite sure, because every time he reached his conscious into the Kamui's empty space, he felt nothing. Perhaps he'd left it on that block over there? No, he couldn't find it.

"No, no I didn't." Tobi went over to Obito's old ninja pack and pulled out an old ribbon of Rin's.

"Hey, don't touch that!" Almost instantly, Obito had instinctively sucked the ribbon out of Tobi's hands, sending it far away to another dimension with little strain on his eye. If Tobi's face could be seen, he would be grinning, because his surprisingly witty plot had worked. While he knew that Obito would refuse another chance at Tobi trying to prove that he found Tobi-land in Kamui-land, grabbing Rin-Rin's ribbon would force Obito to, because he loved it so – obsessively – much.

In an instant, Tobi reached down his eyehole and pulled out the ribbon.

Everyone gaped, except Madara.

"Children, it's lesson time, since my own blood as fallen so low," he said gratingly. Obito shot the old man a glare.

"At least I know where a major bridge is in Iwagakure. It's called Kannabi Bridge."

"Obito, you only know that because you died there, and besides that, it was in Kusagakure," Zetsu said flatly. Obito turned his glare from Madara to Zetsu.

"Well, I died fighting an Iwa man," Obito fixed.

"That fixed nothing," Zetsu snapped.

"Children." Madara's Sharingan swirled menacingly. "It's best you learn of the Uzumaki's abilities, learn some of their seals, and other things, because I assure you it will benefit you in the long run."

"How?"

"Child, just listen to me."

"Okay." The three sat in a semi-circle around the old man, who had reclined into his rock bench tiredly, exasperated at the idiocy of children. He was suddenly glad he never had children.

He then recalled himself as a child, and found himself wondering and reminiscing. For some reason, he associated Obito's talk of Kannabi Bridge with his memories. A bridge had a river under it, of course, so a river popped into his mind. Oddly enough, Iwagakure made him think of rocks – that made some sense, at least – so he began thinking about rocks. When he combined the two, he saw a rock plopping into river and sinking in an ugly fashion to the bottom.

After that, he pictured a mop.

"I'm getting old," he muttered to himself. Why am I thinking – oh, oh yeah.

Hashirama was the mop, and Hashirama the mop was beating him at stone skipping. Madara didn't quite like that, so he changed the subject that he'd never started.

"One time, Uzumaki Mito, wife of the First Hokage, threatened to castrate me with a hairpin," he announced unnecessarily. "This proves that one must not anger an Uzumaki woman."

At this, Obito made a horrified face, while the other two's expressions remained neutral.

"I don't get it," said Tobi.

"You don't need to," replied Obito. "And why did she threaten you?"

"Child, there are things that you don't want to know."

"So this is history?" asked Zetsu doubtfully, arching a green brow. Madara shook his head, wondering how in the world he got his rival's DNA to become so snarky. Hashirama the mop-head was never like this – he was far too bumbling and kind. At least, by Madara's standards. Izuna had been quite mild, and smiled a lot, while Tobirama, the pale, ghostly thing that Hashirama called a little brother, just hated the world. And Uchiha.

"Yes, a form of it," Madara replied.

"What does castrate mean?" asked Zetsu. Obito slapped his face, appearing in intense agony.

"Just shut up, Tobi," Obito groaned.

"Does it have something to do with girls?"

Madara decided to walk away, then.


That joke is by ask-madara-uchiha on tumblr. She's awesome. XD