Disclaimer: I think you know what I'm gonna say. That's right, I don't own.
Letting Go Ch. 9
Though the floorboards creaked and his boots were heavy, Vincent walked as silently as ever down the aisle of the old church, pausing only when he spotted Cloud. The blond looked up at his entry but quickly turned away, glancing at the floor in thought. Neither of them were the talkative sort, but nobody could quite understand Cloud the way that Vincent could, and perhaps the understanding could be returned. Half of the church was still in disarray after being the scene of the fight between Tifa and Loz, but Vincent found a seat on an upended bench, a casual and yet too close to ignore distance from Cloud. For a long moment they only sat in silence, weighing the heaviness in the air between them, until finally Cloud spoke in a soft, aggrieved tone.
"Why are you here?"
Taking a moment to form a response, grateful for Cloud's wary patience, he finally said what he had just come to accept. "You asked me something once, whether sins could be forgiven. I said I never tried. Now, though... I'm finally trying." He glanced up slightly, noting Cloud's quiet but attentive posture. "All along I thought I was doing what I should, keeping myself away from others to keep from hurting them, but in the end it was my absence that hurt them the most. I realize now that I was very far away from honoring what someone sacrificed to give me. Sins can be forgiven, but we have to allow it."
Cloud finally met his gaze, curiosity filtering through his blank expression. "Can they really be, though? How do we know when we've done enough?"
"That's just it. We already have. Those we have let down have already forgiven us. Those caught in the middle of our battles have been atoned for by our continuing work. I can finally see the end of this long repentance I needlessly went through. I just didn't understand that I was already long since done."
"What made you think of this?"
He sat back, going over how to word his conclusions. "It was many things, I suppose." Risking a look to gauge Cloud's reaction, he continued. "I'll admit that Tifa was part of it, and so were you. Then I realized that there was Cid, and Nanaki, and everyone else we knew." Nodding mostly to himself, he admitted something he had never truly admitted to anyone. "Chaos had a large part in it too. He made me realize that I am not the only one affected by what I am doing. If I were to give up right now, I would be breaking more than I would fix. It may seem hard right now, but it is a far harder thing for me to know I would hurt my friends if I went back on my promises."
As expected, Cloud winced at this. "I don't know how to do it. I only think of it later, after I do things, how I could have done better. I can't act quickly to something like this. I just can't grasp anything."
"I know. Some of that is a continuation of mako poisoning. The long term effects hadn't been researched before it was used on so many people, we are only now finding out what can come of it. Maybe some of it has to do with Sephiroth." When he noticed Cloud's steely glare, he knew he hit a nerve. "I understand, believe me. Out of anyone, I understand. I think, though, that this must be what friends are truly for. If your friends were in real trouble, I know you would help them, even if it didn't look like the best option for you. Wouldn't you?"
Cloud nodded. "I would."
"Yet if they tried to do the same for you, you might shrink from it just as I have. Maybe you are more grateful than I have been. I know you have begun down that path I have only just seen. I haven't been grateful for what I have, not in the way I should be. I never feel as if I've done enough to make up for what I have done, what I didn't do, but in trying to do it all, I haven't really been doing anything. I'm frozen by my own inaction."
Surprisingly, Cloud chuckled. "Is that why you always seemed so cold? You were just frozen by inaction?" He shook his head with an exasperated but releasing sigh. "It's funny, I think I get it. All this time, the things we've done haven't gone well, so we try not doing anything and then bad things happen again. It's hard, trying to find the right path through that forest, isn't it?"
Allowing a small smile, he nodded in memory of another forest that was easy to get lost in. "I wish I knew the way through, but sometimes you go in blindfolded." His forehead fell into his palm as he huffed a short laugh at himself. "It just had to be the demon that shares my body that finally removed the ties to my bonds."
Cloud frowned, nodding at something unclear. "That's why you're doing all of this, right? I heard you were looking for a way to get rid of Chaos."
"Yes. Neither of us want to be like this, but every time I got close, I shrank away. Every time I felt myself reaching a conclusion I was afraid of, I ran from it. I was too comfortable with knowing nothing, feeling nothing, being nothing. I can't waste my life like that anymore. Not when so much is riding on what I can accomplish now. I can't change what I've done, but I can change what I do now."
"I see." He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, releasing his tension in the peaceful air. "I keep coming here, thinking I'm escaping, but I'm really trapping myself here, aren't I? Running, hiding, locking away." With a weary huff, he suddenly rose to his feet. "I don't work like that, do I?" A small smirk crossed his face as he looked back at Vincent. "Zack didn't work like that either. I promised I would live the life he wanted for him, and he wouldn't want this. I don't either, I just have no idea where to start."
"To start the future, we should close our pasts." He nodded to himself. "I need to resolve where I am with my own situation. You should resolve where you are with Tifa."
Cloud groaned loudly, though to his merit he no longer seemed stalled by his pain. "I really need to. I should have done this a long time ago. I didn't want to tell her, but we just never felt right. Something always felt off, I just had no idea what it was. No matter what I did, it felt wrong. I just hope it isn't too late."
Vincent only shook his head. "You can't do it yesterday."
Blinking, taken back by how very true that was, he suddenly found himself resolved. "Then I can do it now. Before I start doubting myself." He turned to leave, but turned back for a brief moment. "I... thank you." Not waiting for a reply in the awkward silence that followed, he left this place that had been both sanctuary and prison, leaving it for the thin but glowing hope of the world outside. At long last, he knew what to do.
Once Cloud left, Vincent sighed to himself, taking in the calm feeling of the still air. Smiling a small but real smile, he looked out at the exposed sky. "So, Lucrecia... where do we stand?"
Tifa bent with vigorous industry over a particularly stubborn stain on a table, scrubbing it out ruthlessly. Denzel and Marlene had come back from Corel, full of stories and a couple prizes, excited to be home and back in a routine but glad to have gone to see Barret. Once the initial excitement was over, she returned to her work, balancing taking them to the new school, running the bar, and the sometimes chaotic schedule she enjoyed so much. During the day was oddly a strange time to expect visitors, though, so she was a bit thrown off when someone knocked on the door. "The bar is closed for cleaning right now." she shouted over music piped through her small but loud stereo. "We will open again at four!" The knock was persistent, though, and she went to answer it with a touch of irritation. "Can I help... oh." Right there in front of her was Cloud, someone she didn't particularly want to see. "What do you need?"
He had the grace to duck his head apologetically. "I only wanted to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about." Before she could shut the door, he stopped her with a gentle but firm hand on the door.
"Yes, there is." He noted her somewhat startled reaction to his resolve. "I know you don't want to see me, maybe not ever again, and I'd understand that. You don't have to say anything, just listen please."
"I'm done listening to you! I'm tired of you breaking apart what little I have! Do you have any idea what you did? I can take the break, Cloud, but those children can't handle that, not so young. Without a stable home, they'll end up growing up just like you!" Her breath hitched as she realized what she had just said, and by the wince on his face, it struck hard. When she moved to apologize, though, he stopped her with a look.
"No, don't be sorry, you're right. You were always right, I just never listened. I heard you, but I never listened. If Sephiroth wasn't in my brain, my own doubts were. They were so loud I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't even hear what was right in my face."
She sighed, exasperated. Though she seemed at least a little receptive, she was still clearly hurt. "Even now? After all this time?" She shook her head at his regretful nod. "I thought that was all gone."
"I thought it was too, but when I heard about what everyone was doing in the Crystal Cave, it made sense. There is still a piece of Jenova left in the world, and even locked away as it is, it still affects me. All we got rid of was the geostigma, the cells running rampant through the lifestream. It's not gone completely."
"I get it, but you can't use that as a crutch forever. It doesn't excuse what you've been doing. You could have been honest with me, you could have told me this had been going on and I would have tried to understand that and help you."
"I know. I didn't realize until now what I was doing. I just had to have it beat into my head to finally see it. It isn't enough to apologize, and I can't take it back, but whatever I have to do now to make it right, I can't do it yesterday. I can only do it right now."
"I hope you can, then." She finally shot him a small smile. "You can't do it yesterday? Was that what someone said to you? Who beat that one into your head?"
"Someone who also has their own demons to fight." He sighed, feeling the loosening of his tension finally relieving his conscience. "I want to be there when they release the last of Jenova. I don't know how it's going to work, but I'd like to help."
"I do too, somehow. I'm not sure what will happen either." Glancing at the clock, she noticed it was about time to open for the evening. "I don't want to rush you..."
He shook his head. "No, I'm alright. For once, I'll be alright. I'll keep my phone on." Smirking slightly, he slowly backed away out the door. "That's one promise you can be sure I'll keep now. Just let me know when you want my help."
"You just be sure to let us do the same now and then!" She waved as she saw him off, closing the door with a sense of lightness she had not had for a long time while being around him. Something about his determination, the clearness of his eyes, the strength of his voice, all of it made her want to finally believe him. Her instinct was to avoid that trust, but time would tell if he would do what he said he would do. Once she returned to the stained table, scrubbing with renewed vigor, something he mentioned stayed in her head. "Someone else who had their own demons to fight?" Grinning to herself, she had a perfectly good idea who it was. "I'm glad you could understand him enough to know what to say, I know I sure don't."
Night had settled well over Edge when Vincent heard his phone ringing loudly in the silent evening. Checking the display, he saw that it was Cid calling. When he answered it, though, he heard Shera's triumphant voice. "I have some great news! I've been trying just about everything I know on these crystals, but I think I found something that might just work! I used electrical voltage on a small scale on the samples you gave me, and so far I've had some promising results!"
Cid's voice easily carried from wherever he was in the house, loud and clear over the line. "Yeah, results promising me some sleepless nights and structural damage!"
"Oh hush! Really though, I think I'm on to something. The only problem is that it has to start at a very low power and slowly increase to a low but steady state. I'm not sure how you are with lightning magic, but it will take a lot of control to keep it steady."
"It's alright," Vincent replied. "I can manage a small amount for a fair length of time. Nanaki might be able to as well with some practice. I'll admit we have focused so much on outputting as much magic as possible that restraining it will take some relearning."
"I might be able to set something up with batteries, but it would still be better to use magic since you will have a better feel for what a crystal's breaking point is. It's so strange, each crystal you brought behaves differently and breaks at a different point, but it should be fairly clear at which point the magic is too strong. I noticed that when it nears the breaking point, it starts to glow a bit green. It's not bright and I observed it in the dark, but in a dark cave it should appear well enough."
"I can't thank you enough for all you have done to help, Shera. I only wish I knew what I could do to help you."
"Are you joking? If I can keep these fragments, I can make all kinds of tools for myself! I can't wait to see all of the things I can do with them!"
He huffed lightly at her enthusiasm, shaking his head. "If they can be of use to you, then you can certainly have them. Do you think we will be able to manage a large scale test?"
"I don't see why not, as long as we take it slowly. If you still have some all materia, it should help with controlling the lightning magic also."
"I believe I still have one or two. Any news from Barret on the drill idea?"
"He did give me a call earlier yesterday. I would have called you but it was still late where you are. Oh! It's late again now, isn't it? I'm sorry!"
"It's alright, Shera, you can call me at any time. What did he say?" Despite his regular caution, he couldn't help but feel a bit anxious.
"Right, anyway, he had been having problems making the drill strong enough to withstand the force of drilling through something so tough. He mentioned that he was going to look into making a materia enhanced machine, something I honestly don't know a whole lot about. I'll keep him informed on what I do know, but do you know anything about them?"
"When I first heard about them, it was a long time ago now. I don't think what I know is relevant anymore."
"Oh, that's right... Well, I think he said he was going to call Yuffie about it anyway, if it's about materia, she will have an answer for him! I'll keep you posted on what happens, alright?"
He smiled slightly to himself. "Alright, thank you again. I'm very glad to have your help." Once they said their goodbyes, he thought for a moment over what she had mentioned. "Yuffie and materia again... As long as she doesn't get it illegally, it should be fine." Gritting his teeth against the inevitability of something like that happening, he silently wished Barret good luck. He would need it.
Right now, Barret could think of a hundred things he'd rather be doing than handling baby chocobos, yet here he was, three balls of fluff in each hand, trying not to drop them as he transported them to a small, warm nest. This stable in Wutai was currently in complete chaos, shuffling around young, active and very very fast chocobo babies, trying to corral them all as their charges discovered their adventurous sides. Yuffie was among the running people and the moment Barret arrived, he was pressed into service.
"Here's another, be careful with him!" Yuffie handed him a small blue chocobo youngster, long legs kicking about as he warked happily. The blue's strong legs kicked Barret hard in the gut and he buckled as he struggled against the oblivious bird.
"Hey Yuffie! Mind tellin' me what's goin' on already?"
"Here's the green female, make sure she goes next to the blue male! I finally got them bred up just right!" She yanked over the green female chocobo, just as vigorous as all the other youngsters fighting for running space, handing her over to his barely ready grip.
"I get what yer doin' but why are there so goddamn many?"
"I couldn't remember what we did before to get the gold ones- hey not so hard! There, anyway, I couldn't remember the right combination to get the green ones and blue ones so I figured hey, more chocobo pairs, more chances to get the right one!"
Grabbing an errant chocobo trying to run past him, he wrestled with it as he looked at her incredulously. "How in the hell couldn't you remember that? All we did was get two great ones from down in Mideel! Even I remember that one!"
"Oh come on! What are you even here for, anyway?"
"I was getting' to that! Yeah so I've been working on this machine and I can't get it to run the way I want. I figure I could use some materia for it but I dunno what kind to use or where to get any anymore. You suppose you have somethin' I could use to power a big drill? Ah damn it, there goes another one!" He caught another chocobo by the feet, wrestling it down and returning it to a secure stall. "How many are there anyway?"
"I'm not really sure." She watched helplessly as an average chocobo flew the coop almost literally. "Well that's one gone. That one didn't work anyway. So about that materia..." Suddenly her eyes glinted with both malice and glee. "I bet I have something that might work, but you have to do something for me."
The look he shot her was on the verge of vexation. "I'm already helping ya with these damn birds!"
"Fine, fine. I'll tell you how to hook it up to your drill for free, but the materia has a price!" In the brief lull now that most of the chocobos were accounted for, she put her hands on her hips and faced him squarely. "I'll have you know I'm breeding these up for the good of Wutai! If you want my help I need yours!"
"Ah whatever! What do you want for the materia?"
"First of all I want to make sure I'm doing this right. I use the blue one and the green one to make a black one, right? Is it the same nut? What am I doing next? Also what were those really good greens we used and those nuts from the goblin things?"
He groaned, getting out a scrap of paper. "I'm gonna write it down so you don't ever forget again! You gotta have carob nuts for the black one and zeio nuts to make a gold one. You know where the wonderful chocobos are?" When she shook her head, he groaned more. "Goddamn it Yuffie, why'd you take this on when you don't know anythin'?"
"Hey! If I can raise gold chocobos, think how much money I could rake in from lending them out to tourists and travelers!" Her mood suddenly grew frustrated and a bit saddened. "Look at this place. Wutai used to be so different, and before it became a resort town, we could barely support ourselves once everything started changing. I have to do something."
Taking a glance around at the old fashioned buildings and layouts, he could see her point. In spite of all the changes, Wutai hadn't changed enough. "Yeah, I get it. Well, you just keep this paper and tell me what you need for that materia. I'll go get it for you."
She took a good look at his list. "I think I have the nuts I need, but I don't have Sylkis greens. Yeah, if you could bring me a bunch of those you can have your materia, promise! No funny stuff!"
He eyed her warily. "You better not, after that long damn train ride and the plane over here!"
"I swear! I'll even tell you about it, it's the stuff they used to use to power the big land barges, the big green ones."
"How'd you get one of... no, don't tell me, I don't wanna know." Heaving a heavy sigh, he scooped up one last chocobo runaway before preparing to leave. "I'll get ya some greens from the old sage, you jus' keep doin' whatever you're doin' and I'll call Cid over. Don't wanna hitch a train all the damn way to the north country just for some damn greens."
"Ack!" She shoved against a gate that was about ready to break as a young chocobo bashed against it. "While you're out there, get me some tranquilizers or something! These brutes are about ready to tear the place apart!"
He only shook his head. "Damn I'll be glad to get outta here."
