The phone rings, and Flagg1991 picks it up. "You may speak."

"Thank you for killing Bobby, Now that means I have a shot at both Lori and Bobby's cousin, Carlota."

"Yeah?" Flagg1991 turns, takes out his gun, and shoots Lori in the head, the back of her skull spraying out in a fine mist of blood and splattering Kenny's shirt. She flops back, then forward, falling off the couch and thudding against the floor. All the surviving Louds start screaming against the duct tape coving their mouths, tears in their eyes. "I don't know who the fuck Carlota is, but if I see her I'm going to shoot her too," Flagg1991 says as she slips the gun back into his coat.

The phone rings again and he snatches it up. "Yeah?"

"Since Lucy's gotten the least torture paddle her ass like in Dazed and Confused."

Flagg1991 grins. "Oh, I love that movie." He gets up and takes a paddle with SOUL POLICE written on it. "And it just so happens that I have the actual paddle they used. Funny, huh?"

He goes over to the couch, smacking his hand with the paddle's business end. Lucy watches him stoically. He leaned in and smiles. "You're gonna be hurting when I'm done."

He snatches her up by her hair, spins her around, and bends her over the couch. He looks at her backside. "What is this thing, a dress? A shirt?"

"I think the black part's a dress and the striped thing's leggings," Kenny says. Flagg1991 yanks up the hem of the dress and then pulls down the leggings, baring Lucy's butt. "Ironically, it's not as pale as her face," he laughs. He brings the paddle up. "Hey, Kenny, how about some driving music?"

Kenny nods, balls his fist, and holds it in front of his mouth like a microphone. "No more Mister Nice Guy," he sings, and Flagg1991 brings the paddle down, hitting Lucy's butt with a loud slap! "Ow," she says in an emotionless monotone. Flagg1991 brings the paddle back and down again. "Ow."

He brings it up one more time, then freezes as he catches sight of her butt, which has turned an angry red color. He blinks, looks at the paddle, then drops it, the fight seeming to drain from him. He pulls up Lucy's leggings and shoves her onto the couch. He pushes Luan away by the face and sits with a heavy sigh.

"Hey, Kenny," he says dully, "why don't...why don't you head home?"

Kenny blinks. "You sure?"

"Yeah," Flagg1991 sighs, "I'm going to wrap up here and head out myself in a few."

"Alright," Kenny says and pats Flagg1991 on the shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, sure."

When Kenny is gone, Flagg1991 takes out a cigarette and lights it, inhaling deeply. Everyone watches him with wide, terrified eyes. "You know," he says, bluish smoke rolling from his mouth, "you guys might be too young to realize this, but there comes a time when you find yourself paddling the bare ass of an eight-year-old girl and you say 'Damn, Flagg, you've gone off the deep end.'"

He laughs and takes another drag.

"And I've been in my ear all day. 'Do something to one of them, Flagg, touch one of them, put your dick in one of them, make this one fuck that one and kill his girlfriend and make this one fuck a horse.' And I'm like, 'No, Flagg, that's not my idea of a good time, I like it when she wants it, not when I have to take it. That's like walking up to a zoo animal and pulling the trigger. Oh, gee, I sure had fun. Wasn't that fun?' But it wasn't fun and nothing is ever fun. But then they say, 'Flagg, it's a logical progression, step-by-step, and if you miss that first crucial phase, you'll always be hollow inside until you go all the way back to square one and get it. Teenagers fuck teenagers, men fuck women, old men bang old ladies.' I said 'Who's fucking who when you're six and your dick doesn't even work yet?' 'That's the emotional phase.' 'Ah. Okay.'"

Flagg1991 shakes his head and takes a drag of his cigarette. Everyone is looking at him like he's crazy, which he just might be.

"'Fuck that teenage girl, Flagg.' 'No, Flagg, that ship has sailed, my friend, even if we need to go back to square one. I guess I'll just be...oh, wait a minute, I see what you're doing. That grass is greener bullshit. Flagg, write a book, you'll be happy, Flagg, torture those people, you'll be happy, Flagg, fuck that teenage girl and you'll be happy.' Guess what? That's a fucking lie. It's all a fucking lie. Everything. I'm not happy. This doesn't make me happy, it just distracts me from the gnawing pit of black despair in my soul."

"Gnawing pit of black despair," Lucy says. "Nice. Can I use that?"

"Sure. Go ahead." He turns to Luan and leers. "But there is one thing that'll make me happy, one thing that'll really make me happy." He strokes her cheek. "You know what that is, braceface?"

She shakes her head, her eyes wide with fear.

"It'll make you guys happy too." He pulls out his gun, and everyone flinches. "One little thing. You could call it a lead based antidepressant."

With a flourish, Flagg1991 sticks the barrel of the gun into his mouth and pulls the trigger: The top of his head explodes in a shower of skill fragments and brain matter, and everyone screams.

The end.

P.S. Max Hero didn't save the day, Flagg1991 did. Suck on that.