EXT. FORWARD WELL DECK AND CROW'S NEST- NIGHT

Black and Rose come bursting through a crew door onto the deck. They are laughing uproariously.

ROSE

That was close. Those stewards almost caught us.

BLACK

Yeah.

ROSE

Good thing you knocked them out. They'll be okay though, right?

BLACK

Probably not. Let's play leap frog!

They start to play leap frog.

IN THE CROW'S NEST ABOVE THEM, Fleet hears the ruckus below and looks down to see Black and Rose.

FLEET

Look at that, would ya?

LEE

Aaww, ain't that cute.

FLEET

Did you say something about an iceberg earlier?

LEE

Did I? Oh, yes. That thing over there. I believe it's an iceberg.

FLEET

You may be right. Can't really tell, though. Well, the only way to find out is to get closer!

LEE

Yep!

They wait a little bit, getting closer.

FLEET

Oh yeah. That's an iceberg.

Fleet rings the lookout bell then grabs the telephone, calling the bridge.

INT./EXT. BRIDGE

Inside the enclosed wheelhouse, SIXTH OFFICER BOODY and Moredick sit on the floor playing the card game Speed. Moredick slams his last card down.

MOREDICK

Speed!

They both turn as they hear the phone ring.

BOODY

Are you gonna get that?

MOREDICK

Not if you are, Boody.

BOODY

I don't see the point in getting it if you're going to get it.

MOREDICK

Well, I'm not gonna get it if you're not going to get it!

BOODY

Fine. I'll get it.

MOREDICK

No, wait! I'll get it.

BOODY

Too late. I called it.

Boody picks up the phone. Moredick grabs it from him.

MOREDICK

You can't call a phone!

BOODY

Yes I can. Now give it back!

They both struggle for the phone.

MOREDICK

As first officer of this ship. I have the right to answer the phone!

Boody lets go.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

Talk to me.

FLEET

I spy an iceberg!

MOREDICK

Ah man, this is just what I need. I was about to go to bed too. All right.

He hangs up.

BOODY

Let me guess. An iceberg?

MOREDICK

Yep.

Moredick runs over to Quartermaster Hitchens, who is at the wheel. Boody follows.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

Hard a' starboard!

BOODY

(standing behind Hitchens)

The helm's hard over, sir.

Moredick moves over to the BRIDGE and watches in horror as the ship gets closer to the iceberg.

MOREDICK

Come on. Turn. Turn…

He extends his arm out in front of him.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

Use the force, Moredick…turn…

His arm shakes with the force. His face becomes red with strain. Then, he drops his arm.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

I got nothing.

The ship is now mere inches away from the iceberg. Moredick takes his shoe off and throws it at the berg. It bounces back and hits him square in the face.

MOREDICK

How is that even possible?!

Suddenly, CRUUUNCH! The bow of the ship hits the iceberg.

CRASH SEQUENCE/SERIES OF CUTS:

UNDERWATER the iceberg smashes into the steel hull plates.

IN HOLD #2 the two STEWARDS who Black knocked out are just now getting up.

STEWARD

I'm thirsty.

Right then, the berg splits the hull plates and water pours in, tossing them like ragdolls.

ON G-DECK FORWARD Spaghettio is roused from his sleep in his bunk by the impact. He holds an inflatable sex doll.

ON THE FROWARD WELL DECK the rumbling of the impact causes Black to fall on top of Rose during their game of leap frog.

ON THE BRIDGE Moredick rings the watertight door alarm. He quickly lifts the switch that closes them.

MOREDICK

Hard a' port!

IN BOILER ROOM SIX, BARRET hears the DOOR ALARM and scrambles through the rushing water to the watertight door between Boiler Rooms 6 and 5. Barret yells at the stokers to move before the door traps them all in. As they rush by, he spanks each of their butts.

BARRET

Go lads! Go!

In his stateroom, surrounded by pieces of architectural plans and Archie comic books, Whoknew looks up as his hip-shaking hula girl figurine moves her hips back and forth.

INT./EXT. BRIDGE

MOREDICK

(to Boody)

I'm sure it was just a scratch.

Captain Smithy rushes out of his cabin looking disheveled.

SMITHY

Are we under attack? Secure the rigging! All hands on deck!

Moredick grabs Smithy's crotch.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

Moredick, what the devil are ya doin'?

MOREDICK

Oh, you said deck, didn't you?

SMITHY

Aye.

Moredick releases his hand.

MOREDICK

It was an iceberg, cap'n, not an attack.

SMITHY

Shiver me timbers. An iceberg. This bodes ill for us mateys. Very ill.

INT. FIRST CLASS CORRIDOR/ A-DECK

A few people have come out of their rooms. The Countess Rothes stops a STEWARD as he makes his way down the hallway.

COUNTESS

Excuse, why have the engines stopped? I felt a shudder.

STEWARD

I shouldn't worry ma'am. It was probably just an earthquake. That's the shudder you felt.

COUNTESS

An earthquake? In the middle of the ocean?

STEWARD

Actually, it's more like a water quake. You see, underwater volcanoes sometimes erupt causing the water to vibrate. In fact, underwater volcanoes erupting are what create islands.

He stares directly into the camera, looking at the audience.

STEWARD(CONT'D)

I'm not making this up. Look it up if you don't believe me.

The Countess follows his gaze and looks into camera, but she looks perplexed. She looks around searching for who he was talking to.

INT. CORRIDOR ON B DECK

Cal storms down the corridor with Lovetoy following him. Cal stops a steward.

CAL

Hey you! Servant person!

STEWARD

Please, sir. There is no emergency.

CAL

Yes there is. I have been robbed.

STEWARD

Yes, everyone on the ship has been talking about how some steerage passenger stole your fiancée.

CAL

Not that! I'm talking about my bottom.

The steward gives him a strange look.

CAL(CONT'D)

The Heart of My Bottom.

LOVETOY

Just fetch the Master at Arms.

CAL

Now, you moron!

INT. B-DECK FORWARD/WELL DECK

Black and Rose come up the steps from the well deck.

A second later, Captain Smithy rounds the corner, trailed by Whoknew and Carpenter Hitchinson. The group brushes right past Black and Rose.

SMITHY

Can ye shore up?

HITCHINSON

Not unless you've got a time machine that can take us back to before we hit the iceberg.

The group goes down the stairs to the well deck.

BLACK

(to Rose)

This is bad.

ROSE

We should tell mother and Cal.

BLACK

Why? You don't care about your mother and you care even less about Cal.

ROSE

I don't know. Scriptwriting purposes?

BLACK

Works for me.

INT. B-DECK FOYER/CORRIDOR

Black and Rose walk along the corridor. Lovetoy is waiting for them. He approaches them.

LOVETOY

Well, well, well, if it isn't the dynamic duo.

Lovetoy follows and, unbeknownst to Black or Rose, slips the necklace in Black's overcoat pocket.

INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE

Cal and Ruthless wait in the sitting room along with the Master at Arms and two stewards. Black and Rose enter along with Lovetoy.

ROSE

Something seriously serious has happened.

CAL

Yes it has. Two things dear to me have disappeared this evening. Now that one is back I have a pretty good idea where to find the other.

BLACK

Look, if this is about the cigars I know a guy who deals Cubans.

CAL

Shut up.

(to the Master at Arms)

Search him.

The Master at Arms takes Black's coat off and searches it while the two stewards pat him up and down.

The Master at Arms pulls out The Heart of My Bottom from his coat pocket.

MASTER AT ARMS

Is this it?

CAL

That's it.

BLACK

What! Rose what were in those cigars we smoked? I don't even remember stealing that…not that I stole other stuff.

ROSE

This is ridiculous.

BLACK

Yeah, real smooth, Cal. Rose, they put it in my pocket.

LOVETOY

(holding Black's coat)

It's not even your pocket is it, son?

(reading)

"Property of A.L. Ryerson."

BLACK

(chuckling to himself)

Oh yeah.

Cal looks shocked but pleased.

CAL

Ah man. I love it when BS plays out like that. I didn't even plan that one.

ROSE

This is absurd. I was with him the whole time.

CAL

Perhaps he did it while he wrote this cute little note.

He pulls out Black's note from his pocket.

ROSE

But I was with him when he wrote the note.

CAL

Perhaps he did it when-when…

ROSE

When I used the bathroom?

CAL

Yes! Perhaps he did it when you used the bathroom.

ROSE

(turning to Black)

Did you do it while I used the bathroom?

BLACK

No. I didn't do anything while you was in the bathroom except peep.

CAL

He's obviously lying. Cuff him.

The Master at Arms handcuffs Black. He and Lovetoy drag Black away.

BLACK

Rose, you gullible idiot! I give you cornrows and this is how you repay me! Don't you believe it, Rose! Dooooooon't!

Beat.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Dooon't!

INT. BRIDGE/CHARTROOM

Whoknew lays out a large drawing of the ship across the chartroom table. It is a side elevation that shows all the watertight bulk-heads. Moredick and Isgay stand behind Whoknew and the Captain.

SMITHY

Bad news, mateys. The ship is under attack. Make ready the guns, load the cannons and prepare for battle. But know this if ye die ye die with honor.

Whoknew leads him away to a nearby chair.

WHOKNEW

Why don't you just sit here, cap'n.

(turning back to the drawing)

Five compartments are flooded. It can stay afloat with four compartments breech but not five…or six or seven or eight or nine or ten or eleven or-

MOREDICK

We get the point!

WHOKNEW

The point is no matter what we do Tipanic will founder.

ISGAY

But this ship can't sink!

MOREDICK

Positive thinking, that's the way to go. If you say it can't sink it won't sink.

ISGAY

Shut up, peasant! Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I'm Bruce Isgay. I put the luxe in luxury liner. I put the hip in ship. I put the-

MOREDICK

Gay in Isgay.

ISGAY

How dare you!

SMITHY

Quiet you scallywags! This be a very serious matter, mateys. How much time?

WHOKNEW

An hour. Two at the most.

SMITHY

And how many aboard, Mr. Moredick?

MOREDICK

Two thousand two hundred souls on board, sir…cap'n.

SMITHY

Well…the Captain must go down with the ship, lads. I will accept my fate like a man of honor. However, on a completely different note I propose we elect a new captain.

Whoknew raises his hand in volunteer. Moredick slaps it away.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

Any takers?

Silence.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

Oh all right. I'll go down with the blasted ship…aaarr!

***

Well, I hoped you liked it, and if you didn't, feel free to tell me. I can take it!…I think. Please review ( yes, I need that kind of assurance). 