Thursday, December 23rd, 2004 – early morning
The Four Wyverns
The cold winter sun was struggling to pierce the thick snow clouds hanging over London, and the city was barely starting to stir from its slumber, unaware of the impending cataclysm. Meanwhile, it was indeed underway as dozens of owls took their flight to deliver the Wizarding newspapers of the day.
Sitting on the toilet with one leg hooked over the other, his foot dangling in rhythm with the opera aria playing in the bathroom of his suite, Theo lazily flipped through the pile of newspapers and magazines that had been delivered to his hotel room half an hour earlier. He was about to discard Witch Weekly when he froze in mid-gesture, staring disbelievingly at the colorful front page.
"Looks like Draco reached China after all," he said at last fatalistically. "Shit is going to go down…"
Central London, Malfoy residence
Yawning, Draco descended the carpeted marble stairs of the house, a feeling of hopeful satisfaction swelling inside his chest for the first in two weeks. The note was merely a few scribbled words, but at least the silent treatment was over; she had agreed to see him and have a discussion over lunch. With a small smirk, he wondered whether she had taken the decision before or after trying out his latest gift.
"THE MAN OF THE DAY!" bellowed a familiar and unwelcome voice as he reached the bottom of the stairs.
Draco jumped, nearly tripping over the last step.
"Weasley!" he exclaimed angrily, glowering at the redhead as the latter rushed out of the living-room. "Potter, why does your morganatic spouse have his knickers in a twist?" he snarled as Harry slowly followed Ron out of the living-room. "What the hell are you doing here?"
His gaze shifted suspiciously between the two Gryffindors; Ron looked like a child pumped up on candies on Christmas morning, while Harry sported a somber look.
"We are here for the show of course!" answered Ron, overflowing with cheerfulness.
Almost bouncing, he strode to Draco and stuck his wand under his nose, mimicking an interviewer.
"Tell us everything!" he asked enthusiastically. "What is the key to your success? How did you manage such an achievement?"
Draco recoiled, glaring daggers at him.
"What the…"
"This is great art! Absolutely grandiose!" shouted Ron with glee.
"Potter, did you let the weasel play with catnip again?" growled Draco as Ron leaped around him.
Harry opened his mouth, but Ron wasn't done.
"We knew you would blow up your marriage at the take-off, but this is the apotheosis! The grand finale in a blaze of glory!" he exulted.
"I didn't blow up my marriage!" barked Draco to cover Ron's voice. "Everything is going to be fine! I'm seeing her for lunch!"
"Oh, you mean for your last meal?" jeered Ron.
"What the hell do you want, you delusional creeps?" snarled Draco, shoving Ron away.
"We haven't actually decided yet whether we are here to stop Hermione from murdering you or to help her," answered Harry.
But before he could say anything else, a loud crack sounded behind them, and they all whirled around to see Theo materialized out of thin air in the middle of the entrance hall.
"Oh good, the suicide squad is already here!" he observed, smiling pleasantly.
"Theo, explain what the fuck is going on!" shouted Draco.
Without a word, Theo handed him the copy of Witch Weekly he was carrying under his arm. Draco snatched it from him impatiently, scanned the front page and froze. A picture of him strolling down the Diagon Alley was splashed all over the cover. It had been obviously taken the previous day, except that he did not remember having a tall, dark-skinned beauty with armfuls of shopping bags following him. The photograph was surmounted by the juicy title 'A bit of Christmas shopping with the next Mrs. Malfoy'.
"What's this clusterfuck?" he croaked out just as the heavy silence in the entrance hall was ripped by another loud crack.
"Stop! This man is innocent!" managed Blaise breathlessly, jumping in between Draco and Harry and Ron. "Been looking for y'all… It's us… yesterday… me… transfigured… That's me!"
"You are the next Mrs. Malfoy?" beamed Ron.
"Yes! I mean…"
"You transfigured yourself into a woman?" breathed Ron in complete awe. "Can it get any better?"
Theo, on the other hand, appeared deeply scandalized.
"You said I was going to be your first choice if you were to explore that facet of your sexuality! We did a pinky swear!"
Blaise cast him a dirty look, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.
"This is Parkinson's work…" he gritted out. "Look at the article… This dirty little twat transfigured the picture to make it look like Draco was with another woman!"
Theo, Harry and Ron all leaned forward to take a closer look at the magazine Draco was still gaping at.
"She didn't have to do much work on that fetching little butt of yours…" commented Theo. "I recognize its incomparable curves."
"I'm not sure how to take this…"
"From behind, Blaise. From behind."
Ignoring them, Draco slowly went to the stairs and slouched heavily onto the bottom step.
"This is it," he said, lifting to them the face of a man ready to be dragged off to the scaffold for hanging. "She is never going to believe me. And now I have to get a snake."
"What for?" asked Harry, puzzled.
"Isn't Blaise's enough?" chimed in Ron slyly.
Draco barely glanced at him.
"If I'm going to be an old, lonely man, I'm going to need a thing, you know, a hook," he answered, looking at Harry. "Like that guy in Knockturn Alley who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, you know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. 'Run away from Crazy Snake Man,' they'll shout!"
He ran a hand through his hair.
"And if she does kill me to end my suffering now… Theo, you can have my broomstick…"
"As much as I would love to ride your broomstick…" cut him off Theo, paused and ran a mischievous gaze over the others, but they all remained stone-faced. He huffed. "No need to get dramatic. I'm gonna go to Hermione, tell her everything and fix this! Potter, come with me; she'll trust you."
"Err…" hesitated Harry, glancing at a very disappointed Ron.
Theo rolled his eyes.
"Draco, the hippogriff face!" he commanded.
"What?"
"The hippogriff face. Now. Yeah… More pouty… More pathetic… Show us the bottomless pit you've fallen into! That's it!"
He turned to Harry.
"And now?"
"Fine…" sighed Harry, throwing up his arms in surrender.
"You're a cinnamon bun, aren't you?" winked at him Theo, looping his arm through Harry's and side-disapparating them.
Blaise patted Draco's shoulder reassuringly, while Ron heaved a sigh. He was about to go and sit on the bottom step as well to wait for Theo and Harry's return, when a loud crack startled them all for the umpteenth time. Theo and Harry walked over wit thoroughly apprehensive expressions. Draco jumped to his feet, giving them a questioning look.
"We might have a situation here…" announced Theo.
"What?" pushed Draco. "She didn't want to listen to you?"
Theo and Harry exchanged somber looks.
"Hermione is gone," said Harry at last.
"Gone?" repeated Draco blankly.
For a long moment, they all stood in complete silence. Ron was the first one to break it. Standing on the bottom step and looking down at them all:
"Well, obviously we have a Hermione on the loose in London. She can be anywhere, snatchin' your peacocks up, tryin' to imperiuse them, so y'all need to hide your Slytherins, hide your ferrets, and hide your private bits, 'cause she is hexin' everybody out here," he professed ominously.
A/N: References:
"I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!" – Chandler, Friends, 'The one where Heckles dies', S2E3.
Well, obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. He's climbin' in your windows, he's snatchin' your people up, tryin' to rape 'em. So y'all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they're rapin' everybody out here." – Antoine Dodson (look it up! another famous meme: "Well, obviously we have a basilisk in Hogwarts school. He's climbin' up your staircase, he's snatchin' your Muggleborns up, tryin' to petrify 'em. So y'all need to hide your Gryffindors, hide your Hufflepuffs, and hide your Ravenclaws cause they're petrifyin' everybody out here.")
I hope you enjoyed it! My comedy well is running dry today…
