Disclaimer: Lets skirt the guidelines and say: I own a fictional cat called Artemis, and a fictional cat named Holly, and any resemblance to characters in the last chapter who happened to turn into identical cats is purely coincidental, as is the cat's ability to speak in tones, phrases and cadences that mimic that of the characters of Eion Colfer. Any good?
Chapter 8 Chat with a Kitty Cat
Let's start with descriptions of Artemis and Holly that I won't be able to add into the story later without making the characters think out of character.
Artemis: An ebony cat with sparkling blue eyes, he has a thin, whip like tail that is tipped with white. His body is black, with 'white evening gloves' and 'slippers' on his paws and back legs. An interesting feature is a band of white across his eyes, looking like a reverse Zorro mask. His fur is short and soft.
Holly: Pure ivory fur, her eyes are a golden amber, rich and clear. Her thick, plume like tail is creamy red, tabby stripped with dark auburn. The tail looks as though it has been painted on, the mackerel markings clear and defined, the red colour ending abruptly at the base of the tail. Her ears are the same, the top of her head dipped in red and stripped, with a clear white line running between her ears, sectioning off each ear. Her fur is semi-long.
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Last Chapter:
"Neuter Artemis." They stared at him. Artemis jumped off the sofa and hid beneath it, making everyone else burst out laughing, Holly included, rolling onto her back in hysterics that only made sense to Artemis. "For Holly's sake and safety, of course." Added Trouble when he caught his breath.
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Jumping off the sofa, Holly tried to coax Artemis out from under it, which he refused, so she joined him. The others stared at the two cat heads that stuck out from the edge of the sofa while Foaly ran a diagnostics check on the collars.
"Artemis." Said Trouble slowly. "Come on, boy. Here Arty..." Artemis turned to Holly.
"Doesn't he find it strange that I reacted to his first sentence yet am ignoring his second?" He asked.
"Don't be too hard on him Artemis." Scolded Holly, at least till Trouble tried her.
"Here girl, come on Holly, who's my good girl?" He crooned.
"Did he just call me his girl?" Asked Holly dangerously.
"Don't be to hard on him Holly." Mimicked Artemis, receiving a headbutt.
"Leave them alone Trouble, it looks like they're having a facinating conversation, and we shouldn't interupt it." Chuckled Foaly. "At least now we can get them to MY lab, this one's pathetically low-tech." Artemis half sat up, insulted, the realised something. He looked at Holly.
"How does the gift of tongues work?" She furrowed her brow for a second, unsure, before answering.
"Well, we can understand any advanced language, and speak absolutly any language."
"So you could, say, communicate with birds to find out about a certain area?" Prompted Artemis curiously. She shook her furry head.
"No. Birds aren't as smart as us- I mean fairies- and don't have a full language. They speak with movement as well, and this is the gift of tongues, not the gift of interpretive dance. We can talk to them, though; use vocal commands. Like Mulch used on the dogs while stealing Emmys." (I don't know if Holly would actually know any of that, but it suits my purposes)
Artemis nodded thoughtfully. "Now Holly, does this count as intelligent language? Or am I missing something?" Holly blinked.
"You're right, we should be able to talk to them."
"Maybe it takes some encouragment." Murmured the black cat, sliding from beneath the sofa to Foaly's laptop. The centaur wasn't using it, and it was pathetically low-tech to his standards but high on Artemis', so he easily got onto the desktop screen. Foaly saw him.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" He scolded, trying to pick up the boy. Artemis darted out of the way, and clicked into note pad. Foaly paused. "Seriously. What are you doing?" The cat didn't answer, couldn't, and began slowly typing. It was hard with paws.
"Aww." Said Grub. "He's trying to be smart like he used to be. Poor dumb kitty." Artemis tensed, but kept typing, tail flicking back and forth angrily. It didn't take too long.
Present company. Despite my new form, I am not stupid, nor at the usual level of a cat, and therefore take offence at been called or petted. I do not speak for Holly, but doubt she enjoys pet names any more than I do. Captain Kelp, I will hurt you if you ever repeat your earlier suggestion, and I promise you that. Corperal Kelp, I 'used' to be human, but my intelligence has not deminished in the least. But I drift from my point. Do fairies not have the gift of tongues? I there something I fail to understand? Mulch Diggums ordered two security dogs to his bidding not long ago, and they understood him, though were unable to reply. We -Miss Short and I- have the advantages of understanding you anyway, but it should not take too much effort to understand us, as we are smarter than average and seemingly capable of our own vocal language, which you should all be able to understand. Failing that, perhaps a translator? Really, people, it seems the most intelligent of us are the least appretiated when quadrepidal, and more intelligent than usual when whiskered.
Clever Artemis had managed to compliment both himself and Foaly, keep himself superior, and threaten Touble Kelp, all in one paragraph, typed with a padded foot the overlapped keys every few characters. Smart arse. Which Foaly was quick to point out.
"For a tomcat you sure are a smart ass." He drawled, skimming the text. "As much as I hate to admit it, Artemis is right. If they are smart, then a translator should do the trick for me and Butler, but the rest of you just need to focus a little magic into your gift of tongues." Foaly always brought translators with him, because even though Butler and Artemis both spoke Gnommish, there was always a chance that something might happen. Okay, he just liked carrying them around. He stuck one in his own ear and tossed another to Butler, and Artemis immediatly began meowing.
"Can you hear me now?" Asked the black cat repeatedly, slowly, waiting for some sign of recognition. "Nod if you can. Can you hear me now? Nod if you can. Can you hear me now-"
"Shut up!" Meowed Holly; it would have been loud, but her voice seemed permanantly soft and textured. He glared at her.
"If neither of us speak, then how do they know they understand us?" He snapped.
"You two argue with each other no matter what species you are." Chuckled Foaly. "And sorry Holly, he's right, though you could make the chant a little more interesting." Both cat's glared murder, when Butler spoke.
"Artemis? Can you really understand us?" The black head bobbed up and down.
"Yeah, we can both understand, now could you do me a favor and break Trouble Kelp's thumbs? Let's see how cutesy he acts without them." Butler chuckled, shaking his head.
"That's Holly at any rate." Then, causing the subject to change completely, Grub Kelp's stomach rumbled. "Shall I make some breakfast?" Asked Butler with a chuckle.
"No." Ordered Artemis haughtily. "No-one eats till you can all hear me clearly."
"That's cruel." Said Trouble. "I can hear you, so can I eat, O Master Fowl?"
"Do not mock me." Growled Artemis. Trouble shook his head.
"You know what, I'll say sorry, because I'm the bigger man." He grinned. Artemis rolled his electric eyes. They should have been sapphire, but that wasn't a colour cat eyes came in.
"This can't be the first time you're taller and stupider than another creature, so I don't see what you seem so happy about. That said, were I a normal cat I would no doubt outsmart you in anything you wish to name." Holly laughed, for the first time the strange mewling understandable as gales of glee to anyone other than Artemis.
"How can you take his side?!" Asked a hurt Trouble.
"Species takes precedent." She apologised.
"I can't understand them!" Moaned Grub, and Mulch laughed.
"Even I've got the hang of it. It's not that important though. Holly was laughing and Trouble, then apologised. Not exactly the feel good story of the year."
"Go to hell, dwarf." Meowed the orange and white girl.
"Quiet or I'll put you both in a bag and swing it like a hammer." Warned Foaly. "And I wasn't talking about Holly and Artemis." That effectively shut them both up while Artemis chuckled and headed towards the kitchen. "And Butler, you better buy Artemis and Holly some cat food." Artemis froze, then walked back to Butler in a frustrated way.
"Could you open the fridge door?" He asked in a depressed manner. Butler nodded kindly, and Holly slunk out from under the sofa and followed them both.
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"No Butler, that's alright. Thanks to feline instincts, I feel too exposed on the table. And I wouldn't want to make the others uncomfortable." Butler nodded, placing a saucer of milk on the floor beside Artemis. He had made omelets for the others, and while the two cats lapped up milk from matching white bowls, Foaly was pouring over his computer. It didn't seem possible, but milk was actually better with four paws. For a few moments life was as it should be, everything perfectly in place. Then Artemis sat up and began flicking the milk off his whiskers, and everything came crashing down again. He sat and began grooming paws and whiskers, which he knew from instinct would take at least four hours, then maybe an hour of lying in the sun doing nothing and getting covered in dust, then... Well, that wasn't so bad.
Finished with her own 'breakfast', Holly jumped onto the table and wandered over to Foaly, who was busy typing. "What on earth are you doing?" She asked, staring at the screen with huge amber eyes. The screen was covered with text on cat types.
"Thought I'd check out your breeds." He said, absently clicking again. "Where are we... Sphynx... whoa, nope, not you or Artemis." Holly and Foaly tittered at the picture of a hairless, large eared creature staring sideways at the camera. "The one before could open cupboards and turn on taps, so I'm glad neither of you are Somali." He added, grinning. Holly turned her head sideways.
"Tell me when you find me, kay?"
"Will do."
"Butler, since even if one of us does get stoned, it would have a huge effect, can we please go outside?" Asked Holly in her sugary, smooth voice. He smiled and nodded, getting up, while Mulch took the chance to raid his plate of any remaining omelet. Artemis shook his head at him.
"Disgusting dwarf." He muttered. The dwarf in question looked up at the cat and grinned.
"Alley cat. Y'know, if I wanted, I could swallow you whole, so you better be good." Flicking his ears in a holier-than-thou expression, Artemis took off towards the garden behind Holly.
"Race you to the tree." Called Artemis as they trotted behind Butler.
"You're on!" Holly called back grinning. The second the door opened, the both raced out the door, and automatically began chasing each other in circles. Butler shook his head slowly. At least Artemis was getting some exercise. And he needed to go buy some fish. Despite Trouble's suggestion, or perhaps because of it, Butler decided it would be cruel to buy Artemis cat food.
Funny, undoubtably, but very, very cruel.
Artemis and Holly, meanwhile, were delightedly attacking each other, till Artemis paused long enough to be tackled by Holly. (A sentence that would never be heard were he still human and in his normal frame of mind). She paused, staring at him, then looking up to where he was staring. A group of chittery birds were sitting in a tree, and Artemis was staring at them like a pot of gold. He wouldn't. He couldn't. He was definately trying. He seemed to shift form, almost, black body becoming lithe and stealthy. Reaching the tree silently, he jumped onto a low branch, and began climbing higher, towards the birds. Holly sat staring at him from the ground, tail flicking in concern for the birds. But he wouldn't catch one, just chase them away. Still, he had reached the branch cluster the birds sat on, and was lying flat against the bow, the tip of his tail flicking in anticipation, he looked like a mini, masked panther.
The movement was quicksilver, he lunged into the feathery mass, creating hundreds of tiny squawks, and making Holly close her eyes. A soft thump alerted her that he was on the ground, and opening her eyes, saw a victorious Artemis... With a small brown bird clamped between his jaws.
"How could you!" She screamed, or tried to. Her voice was very soft no matter what she did. Dammit! He shrugged and dropped it, looking shamefacedly at her. After a second he dropped down, putting his paws over the tiny prey. "I'm not going to steal it." She said icily.
"I sorry." He looked it, too. "I couldn't help it, I just... couldn't."
"Oh yeah?" She replied. "Why could I? Killer."
"It's a bird!"
"A living creature. How could you?"
"I already answered that." He hissed, ears laid back angrily. She shook her head.
"In that case, why was I able to look at the birds and leave them be, while you had to kill one?"
"I didn't want to kill it!" He defended. "Just catch it! I know this sounds strange, but I had too. I need to move. Next time, stop me."
"Ha."
"No, seriously. It's instinct. You've overcome that in me before. I wouldn't have given back half a tonne of gold on my own." She glared at him and walked back inside. He sighed and followed, after hiding the bird. There were downsides to this cat thing. Other than the obvious.
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Should this be ArtemisXHolly? Please tell me!
Any good? Please review, I need to know what you thought! PLEASE I BEG YOU!
