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iLoveYOu
Chapter Nine: Mind is a razorblade
By Romanticfor3ver
Inspired by: Jose Gonzalez: Heartbeats
P.S. This chapter is mainly Yuki's thoughts. This is intermission between action of Kaname and Zero fighting for Yuki's affections.
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Again...
Why?
It happens to me too much.
That person that is in my head; he is now trapped in my dreams. I hate it too.
I don't understand it. Why I cannot stop dreaming about that person.
It isn't Kaname and yet I dream about him...why?
I'm not in love with that person.
I am not in love with that person.
I am not in love with Zero Kiryuu...
I am in love...
With...Zero Kiryuu...
In Kaname's bed again...I found myself among the sheets...missing him. I thought I would be able to dream about him and yet that person is trapped in my dreams...unable to return from this eternity.
'He is the person that I truly love...' I found myself touching a picture of Kaname again.
That person...
That person that took such great care of me...I haven't repaid him for his kindness yet, have I?
He's coming back tomorrow...I better prepare something for him.
I found myself.
In the garden instead of the kitchen putting the roses that I had picked yesterday back into the soil...I suppose that they weren't fully grown yet. 'Zero...I miss you.'
What am I saying? That person that is trapped in my dreams...he owns a part of my heart. A special part that no one else is able to touch. Not even Kaname. I don't understand it, I am in love with Kaname and yet I find myself thinking about someone else and thinking about someone else's blood that is untouchable.
I hope that that person is doing well...I do not like to call that person by his name. It's too personal.
When that person calls me...I will answer him. When that person tells me that he loves me...I will answer him. But at this moment I am not able to answer anyone or anything.
'You are the only person that I truly need to think about you. I love you Yuki.' He looks at me with his deep brown eyes, boring into my soul, 'so...this is what it feels like to love someone that is so beautiful on the inside and on the outside.'
'Yep.'
We had that conversation so many times...that was the only answer that I was ever able to give that person that deserved so much more than me, 'yep.' I haven't told him that I love him in such a long time; I hope that he hasn't forgotten.
By myself in the house...I am afraid. With him, Kaname Kuran...I am able to think properly. About life and love...it has nothing to do with monsters such as us...'Kaname.' His name is so simple and yet it gives me delight to think that this person that has such simple appearances and aspects has fallen deeply in love with me. I am able to reflect deeply on this.
He can make me happy.
He can make me sad.
He can make me anything that I want to be.
He makes me everything that I want to be.
I cannot think of anyone else that does this. Zero is a person of few words and appearances. Yet. Something draws me into that strange person that appeared into my life more than five years ago.
He came like me...
Alone and without anyone to rely on...
He came like me into a small family that had each other to think about. Each other to care about. The loving family that each of us had and the loving family that each of us lost.
We are similar to each other...however there are large differences that are not accounted for.
We are different to each other. That is the reason that I cannot be as close I want to be with him.
We may not be human but we both live in the different vampire worlds. We are same...but we are different at the same time. He stands in the same spot and I move in mine. We cannot be same. (Yuki contradicts her a lot; psst...it's really evident in the manga—that's what I think, at least).
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'To me...Yuki is the only girl in the world for me. She is for me. The only one.'
'Hello Kaname, how was your trip. Did you get much work done?' he had surprised me again. By the time that I was back in the house he was sitting at the table waiting for me.
He is the person that I am meant to be with...but my heart tells me that there is someone different that I must give a chance...
'Yuki, is something wrong? Do you have a fever?'
I catch myself, 'it's nothing. Please don't worry over me too much, Kaname.' I have lied to this person again and he realizes it.
I am trapped. I am in between him and the wall and he is looking at me with his deep and piercing eyes.
'There is something wrong...why won't you tell me? I want to help you...the person that I love...if there is something that is wrong in that person I am more than willing to help that person. Did you know I missed that person that hugs me all the time? Did you know that I missed the person that tells me everything? I missed that person...but did you know?'
'Yes!' I hug him tightly as we stand together in the kitchen and time stops.
There is nothing that matters...as long as I'm able to be with this person...that cares so much about me. I love this person so much.
'Now...can you tell me what's wrong? I will be able to help you Yuki.'
'I really don't deserve you...Kaname.'
'What? There is no one that you deserve more. Isn't it true that your heart is equal? Isn't it true that your heart is able to let many beautiful people into your heart that are just as you? Isn't it true that those people that you let into your heart are people that you intend to keep forever in your thoughts? Kiryuu is a good person. I understand that he is trying to protect you from me and he was only being the good person that he was brought to be. It is only Shizuka that has plagued his good heart with something that is truly more evil than us.'
'You are not mad?' I am seeing him for the first time; a person with a kind heart that is liked by everyone.
END OF CHAPTER NINE
I hoped that you liked this chapter and I am hoping that you liked the rest of the series too! I enjoyed writing it for you and I hoped that you enjoyed reading it. Feel free to review if you please :)
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