September 27, 2013
Ziva sits staring at the computer screen in front of her as she watches the worry of Tony's face disappear and turn rapidly into desperation. She knows what she has to do and she knows that staying away is not keeping Tony safe or his team. She knows that he is in just as much danger alone as he is if she's sitting there next to him and she knows that calling him has been a huge risk for both of them. But to her it's a risk worth taking.
"Home," she whispers and he looks at her curiously as she thinks it out for herself. It is a word he has used with her before. It's a word that he used the last time he was in Israel only a few days ago and a word that has not always meant something so significant to Ziva. But it certainly means everything to her now and it is worth remembering the last time they discussed her home.
September 20, 2013
"I know why you came here," Tony says quietly as he stands across the room from her, his arms are folded across his chest. Tony only found her a couple of hours ago and he was not happy with her angry reception of him after his long months of searching; she is now shutting him out again and he wants to break through her mask once again. "I know why you came here of all places."
"Why do you think I came here?" Ziva asks, and her voice is hostile, not having wanted to be found. However, she was obviously unsuccessful in hiding from the one person she knows would go to great lengths to find her and would probably find her eventually, if that was what his mind was set to do.
"You are searching for your home," he says quietly to her.
"Home?" she asks, her eyes widening a little as her expression softens up a little. "I do not even know what it means to be home or to have a home, Tony. I have never known such a feeling."
She knows she is lying, but she's closing him out. She is protecting him, the best she can. Everything changed when he was shot at, right after saying he would see her very soon so many months ago. She doesn't want him there anymore. He is safer without her and she will eventually be safer without anything of law-enforcement around her. She went gone off-grid for a reason and wants to remain that way, for the sake of his safety.
"Home," he says quietly, looking at her, his eyes filled with wonder as he stares deeply into her hard expression. "Home is where the heart is. Home is where you feel loved and like you are with a family, whether it's a make-shift family or your real blood-relatives. Home is a happy place, a safe-haven, a place where you can become carefree and enjoy every little thing. Is this your home, Ziva?"
Her expression hardens more as she studies him and thinks deeply about his words. She has never felt any of those things in Israel ever, not even when she was very little and they both know her answer before she says it. She closes her eyes and her entire face and posture soften and a tear leaks out from under her closed eyelids. She knows where home is. She knows that her heart wants one thing and has for a long time and she is finally admitting it to herself as she continues to shut this man out of her life.
"No," she whispers, afraid to say more, but knowing he is definitely going to ask the next question, regardless of her attempt to avoid it.
"Then, where is your home, Ziva?"
"With you," she whispers so quietly that she is sure he can't hear her, but just then his computer makes a ringing sound, letting him know that he has an incoming call. He has already ignored two of them. "Tell him nothing of me."
She turns sharply away and leans against the doorway before turning around to listen to his conversation with Gibbs, who has been trying hard to call him for some time now.
September 27, 2013
"Home," she whispers again, tears in her eyes as she remembers that moment when she finally admitted to herself that her home was wherever Tony was and that she is definitely missing him more than she anticipated. "Yes, Tony, I would like to go home."
"And, I know I asked you this before, but you did not answer loudly enough and we were interrupted, where is home for you?" Tony asks again, his voice soft and concerned.
Her eyes grow vulnerable for a moment and he looks deeper at her. She has opened up so much to him during this conversation, but she knows this is the hardest part, because this is personal to both of them. yes, she is panicking a little internally, but her face only betrays the vulnerability she is feeling. But Ziva needs to tell him and this need is stronger than her fear of hiding the truth. She has already basically told him what he needs to hear in order for him to know this answer. Her heart leaps a little in her chest as she realizes that she is going to answer him.
"With you, Tony," she says quietly, but this time she's certain he hears her words, because he smiles softly and there are tears welling up in his eyes now too. "And yes, I want to come home. I just do not know how I can get out of here undetected."
There are tears pooling to the brink of Ziva's eyes again, as she sees that she really is defeated by some enemy that popped up from her past. Tony looks helplessly at Ziva. But she has one more thing to say and he can see that, so he gives her plenty of time to think since they both know that's the only way she won't fight whatever she needs to say.
"I want to come home, Tony," she says through her tears and touches her fingers gently to the computer screen in front of her, wishing she could touch his face and kiss him again as she did before he left her at the airport in Tel Aviv. "I want to come home to you. I want... I want to be in your arms and safe again."
And those words are more than either of them expect Ziva to say. Those words cause his tears to silently spill on his cheeks and hers to flow a little faster.
"I'll get you a plane ticket," he says quietly, fighting with his own tears as he sees her breaking down again and her walls, which she has held long and strong, are coming crumbling underneath her. "Under an alias. I will send a fake ID to you and I will bring you home to me."
"How will you do that, Tony?" Ziva asks, feeling helpless as she looks deeply into those green eyes that have saved her so many times. Despite her doubt and her fears and her words, she believes him. She believes that he will find a way to bring her home.
"I'm sure Gibbs knows someone that can help," he says through his clenched teeth. "He needs to know this anyway and he's going to wonder where I came up with this information. Ziva, I have to talk to him."
Ziva nods her head in understanding and looks at him fearfully. She doesn't know what to say to him. She is terrified of involving her family more in this than they already are, but she can't say no to his offer, because she wants to be home so badly right now and she has never felt so homesick in her entire life before.
"I promise, you'll be home soon," he whispers as reassurance. "I'll call Gibbs now. Do you want me to let you rest?"
Ziva nods again. "I will call you when I wake up," Ziva says quietly.
"Message me first, Zi," he says softly, pain in his eyes as he speaks, "to make sure I'm awake and available. Gibbs might want me to come in after he hears what I have for him. I will be in touch soon, I promise."
She nods again as another tear falls from her wet eyes and streaks down her cheek. They bid each other goodnight and the call ends finally. She turns and slides onto the bed, putting on Tony's shirt again and holding herself as she desires more and more to be by his side and with him once more, even if Gibbs does need to be involved.
