Author's Note: I've been struggling for a while with this story, wondering about its length. I went from planning ten chapters to thinking it needed twelve, back to settling at ten. That is why this one covers a lot of things. I'm sorry if it's too long but, in any case, I hope you enjoy it. Cheers!
Disclaimer:
To the Readers
I know I will have posted long before you read this
but I want you to know that it was I who wrote this disclaimer.
I haven't written the real Harry Potter books and I don't intend to pretend so, though I can.
I face this in the hope that, when you read the next chapter,
you will find a new disclaimer once more.
O.C.A.S.O.
A dog, a nymph and a werewolf.
Why time flew by…
"To put it simply, what you mean to tell me is that, since the time-dissociation, the change of my patronus and the loss of my metamorphosing abilities are – are–"
"– Are all shock-induced, yes –"
"–You've decided that I'm unfit for work?"
"Don't say it like that…" – Onderdonk said quietly. – "You know I wish things would be different… And if there was anything I could do… But… And it's just – I mean –You know this for your own good…"
"Is it?"
The healer sighed and Tonks stared at her drink for a moment. During the past eight months her moods had alternated between notorious confusion and renowned numbness, but this time, Tonks couldn't quite work out what she felt. Was it impotence? Sorrow? Defeat?
The warm hand on her shoulder brought Tonks back to reality and made her meet the bespectacled gaze of the woman before her.
"I sincerely wish I didn't have to do this…"
"I know, Cesia. You wouldn't have asked me to come here if you did."
They were sitting at The Three Broomsticks, which was quieter and emptier than usual, since everyone at Hogsmeade had wandered outside to watch the Hogwarts students' apparition practice sessions. Tonks tilted her glass and then set it back down without drinking.
"When do you plan on informing the Auror Headquarters of my incompetence, so I can be sacked?"
"Tonks!"
"Well, what do you want me to say? Would you like me to comment on today's mid-March fair spring weather or something?"
The healer sighed – which she had done so many times already during their clandestine meeting that Tonks started thinking Cesia just exhaled loudly every couple of minutes – but her eyes suddenly twinkled merrily.
"I don't have to tell them anything, you know…"
"But – but you just said you had to." – Tonks replied, bemused.
"I've got an idea. See? And then, you come back!"
"Well, that's clears that up then…"
"Sorry." – Cesia replied with a sheepish grin before clearing her throat triumphantly. – "I think you could just take a leave of absence."
"What?! A leave of – I'm sorry, but I think the gillyweed–"
"I'm not drunk and I know what I'm saying. They can't dismiss you if your condition isn't disclosed, and I promise to keep mum if you take a leave of absence."
"And on what account would I do that?"
"Bereavement." – Cesia answered simply.
"Bereavement?! Are you even listening to yourself?"
"Of course I am, and it's completely logical."
"It isn't!"
"It is! Don't you get it? I can even say that your symptoms were delayed until what had happened sunk in." – Tonks shook her head disbelievingly, so Cesia pressed on. – "I understand that you like your job and I know that your assignment here is probably the most important one an Auror can have at the moment, but you need to rest, to figure things out and get better, or you'll only end up getting hurt."
"I'll be fine and I can prove it!"
"Look, I know that you're generally extremely qualified to face whatever comes your way. However, if you were to be attacked this instant, your condition would cause difficulties if you tried to defend yourself and that's an indisputable fact."
"So you think that, just because of shock-induced issues, I'd fall dead on my own accord?"
"Unexpected attacks in peaceful times have killed witches and wizards that were perfectly healthy, and we're at war. From tortures to deaths and from giants to dementors, there are a million reasons why being an Auror is dangerous, and guarding Harry Potter just makes it worse. I mean, even some of his friends, like Remus, are unwillingly hazardous to his health at times. And what you would have done if Remus was that werewolf and if he had come after Harry instead of that child? Can you sincerely tell me that there's something you could have done?"
Tonks could feel the blood draining out of her face and she straightened up in her chair, anxiously attentive to Cesia's every word, who took this as her golden opportunity.
"So, Tonks, you can't deny it: these are dangerous times… Sadly, you can't face that danger now… You're not ready. And you're not only jeopardizing your own life: Harry and the rest of the students at Hogwarts depend on you to keep them safe… As of this moment, you can't. Are you willing to put them in danger just for stubbornness' sake?"
Her heart still beating wildly, Tonks tried to mask the reason of her concern and shook her head.
"You're right; I can't risk them…"
"So you'll do as I say?"
"Yes. I'll ask for a leave of absence, once the school year ends."
"But that's almost three months from now!"
"I've got a task that I can't walk out on, however poorly you think I'll carry it out. That responsibility is lifted off my shoulders at the end of June, so I'll wait until then."
"And how will I know you're not bluffing?"
"You can't. You'll just have to believe it."
"That's not going to work." – Cesia frowned. – "If you want me to trust you, someone else – someone with authority over you – must know."
"I'm not telling Moody."
"Then tell Dumbledore."
"What?!"
"You heard me. I'll get off your back, keeping this quiet and leaving you alone, if you talk to him."
"Okay! All right! Fine!" – Tonks said furiously, standing up, taking that as an opportunity to go ask Dumbledore about Remus' state without anyone suspecting about her trip. – "You want me to tell him? I'll go do that right now! Happy?! But why does everything gravitate around that wretched man!"
"Language, Tonks…" – The healer smiled.
Angrily, Tonks shook her head again and walked out, heading towards Hogwarts. However, a couple of minutes later, Tonks chastised herself because, though Dumbledore had indirectly pulled her and Remus apart, it was he who had brought them together in the first place. After all, had she not been recruited for the Order of the Phoenix, Tonks would never have met Remus. And if she hadn't, what would her life have been like?
Tonks answered her own question evoking her moments with Remus and those without him, which seemed to be complete opposites. For example, Platform 9 ¾ (when Harry had gone back to the Dursleys at the end of his fifth year) had been sunny and warm and they had left it side-along apparating home. Hogsmeade Station only two months afterwards, on the other hand, had been dark, lonely and cold. Likewise, last Christmas had seen them grow closer (though just as friends) while they took turns to visit Arthur at St. Mungo's and then guarded the children on the Knight Bus. This Christmas, in contrast, saw them grow apart, though Molly had tried to make her attend the Burrow's Christmas party.
"Remus will be here." – She had said. Tonks, knowing he wouldn't want to see her after asking her not to keep in touch, had declined.
A sigh escaped her lips... When had perfection been spoiled? Her own mind viciously reminded her that she was the one that had ruined everything. She didn't understand Remus when he had wordlessly asked for her help to work something out, so he could fulfill his duties as she now wanted so badly to fulfill hers. Instead, Tonks had acted selfishly, he had moved away, and now (however purposeful, mature and serious she tried to be) she couldn't mend what her childish acts had done. Thus, if anything happened to Remus, Tonks – not Dumbledore – would be responsible…
Walking already up the castle's stairs, Tonks reflections shifted from her Remus-related anxieties to his present state. She knew he'd have a difficult time convincing the rest of the werewolves, and wondered how far he'd go to gain their trust. Had he been forced to bite the child to prove himself to them? Fenrir was sadistic, so that was a possibility… Maybe Remus knew it would happen sooner or later, and that's why he had been horrified by the idea of going to them… And maybe the taste of blood had revived the werewolf in him, so he got carried away…
As if corroborating this theory, Tonks' mind recalled with painful precision the words in his letter:
"…I become a blood-thirsty monster once a month…"
But she refused to believe he was a savage beast, bringing to mind how Cesia asked her to pretend it was him for a moment, which meant the Healer was sure he wasn't. Her mind then came up with another horrible option: maybe his reactions to the killing were his test… And, as Fenrir or someone else killed the child in front of Remus, Remus had suffered, unable to defend the dying boy, although dying himself inside… That was definitely more like the mild-mannered man she knew, after all…
A full-body shiver suddenly brought Tonks back to reality: with her mind wandering, she had unintentionally walked through The Grey Lady.
"Do mind where you're walking."
"I'm sorry – I was–"
"Distracted, I noticed. So was the Headmaster when he left earlier, so pray tell: is there something interesting going on?"
"He's left?"
"Yes, about an hour ago."
Tonks rested her hand on the wall to stop her vision from swimming before her, staring at thin air in silence for so long that The Grey Lady gave her a small smile and glided away...
Her alarm at Dumbledore's absence was more due to the fact that she had solid proof of it, than to the fact of it being an unforeseen event since, although she had already suspected that he had left Hogwarts a couple of times during the school year, Tonks had so far wished she was wrong. That shock was then heightened by the thought of him not informing either Harry's guard or the Order that he'd go away, when his departure was a serious security breach. Where was he off to? And why?
To get some steadiness back in her legs (which were feeling like jelly at the moment), Tonks started walking again, aimlessly. Her mind was in overdrive, making her remember the blackened hand that peeked under Dumbledore's robes at the Burrow in summer. Had he been hurt in one of his outings? If so, how? Her heart constricted as she remembered the harsh emotions she had harbored against Dumbledore since Remus' mission started, while Dumbledore had been wrestling alone against evil.
"He's extremely powerful…" – She found herself admitting fairly, before her mind dismally replied, "But Remus isn't…"
The thought made her want to run away screaming, but the startling materialization of a jumping figure in the corridor in front of her surprised her to the point of being unable to move, until she noticed who it was.
"Harry?"
The boy turned around and toppled over, before scrambling to his feet again with an astonished and embarrassed look on his face.
"What're you doing here?" – Harry asked as he clutched his foot with a pained expression.
"I came to see Dumbledore."
"His office isn't here. It's round the other side of the castle, behind the gargoyle–"
"I know." – She said, cutting across his description of the floor plans. – "He's not there. Apparently he's gone away again."
"Has he? Hey – you don't know where he goes, I suppose?"
"No."
"What did you want to see him about?" – He insisted, making Tonks think that, though the boy's nature was habitually inquisitive, this time it was bordering on annoying.
"Nothing in particular. I just thought he might know what's going on." – She said, trying to lie unemotionally, but nervously picking at the sleeve of her robes all the same. – "I've heard rumors… People getting hurt…"
Harry said something about an attack he'd read in the paper, but Tonks didn't listen to him, suddenly remembering how Sirius used to contact the boy stealthily. Surely, as Harry didn't have anyone anymore, Remus must have done so, too? Her spirits lifted up, as she inadvertently interrupted him again without even concealing her anticipation.
"The Prophet's often behind times. You haven't heard from anyone in the Order recently?"
"No one from the Order writes to me anymore…" – He replied.
That answer was certainly not what she was wishing for, and her eyes prickled. The boy continued speaking awkwardly as she tried to blink the tears away, but her efforts were barely successful. Then she tried to focus on his words, but he was already quiet, apparently expecting her response.
"What?" – She asked blankly. At his silence, she shrugged mentally. – "Well… I'll see you around, Harry…"
And she turned on the spot, walking back down the corridor and then down the stairs, berating herself the whole time for being unable to maintain a simple conversation with a harmless teenager, without being upset because of an answer. If she couldn't do something as simple as that, she couldn't pretend she'd be able to protect herself, let alone anyone else.
Stung by her uselessness and helplessness, Tonks' thoughts dwelled on the healer's words:
"And what you would have done if Remus was that werewolf and if he had come after Harry instead of that child? Can you sincerely tell me that there's something you could have done?"
"No." – Tonks answered in despair.
Recognizing Cesia had been right all along, Tonks' mind was made instantly: she would take a leave of absence once the school was over... She had to.
Author's Note: Another chapter has come and gone, as we approach the impressive finale of this story. There's only one chapter to go, so don't worry: you won't have to hold your breaths too long. Thanks for reading and, as always, please flame or review!
