DISCLAIMER: Pokémon is the property of Nintendo.
CHAPTER 9
Fresh from their recent attempts at romance, capturing Pokémon and, in one case, bestiality, the party returned to Viridian City with the intention of having Burnsy win his eighth badge. Of course, his Pokémon were still shit, but he might pull through...
Thirty-eight attempts later.
"I won my last badge!" Burnsy exclaimed proudly. In order to get it he'd broken every rule he could think of, offered Charlie's "services" to everyone he could find, played Super Mario Galaxy for three days straight (this hadn't really helped) and began openly encouraging his Charmander's attempts to hump the Gym Leader's Rhydon into submission.
He wasn't sure how he got there, but here he was at the Pokémon League, ready to take on the Elite Four. The four most powerful trainers in all the land. So Burnsy rather arrogantly strode into Victory Road, fearing nothing.
He got lost. In a dark cave with two idiots and a lovesick Squirtle.
They'd started a fire in the small cave and sat around roasting marshmallows, except for Charlie who was roasting a Red Bull can, completely ignoring what an obviously stupid idea that was.
"So, do you ever wonder what we'll do after I've won the Pokémon League?" Burnsy asked, refusing to acknowledge that there was any other possible outcome.
"I reckon, seeing as I'm clearly the most well developed character, I'll get my own spin-off show," Kozak said. "And there will be no sheep Pokémon in it."
"I'm going to drink some Red Bull," Charlie said. "And Burnsy's off to star in the next Harry Potter film."
Burnsy ignored him. He could ignore Charlie no longer when the Red Bull can exploded, blowing a chunk of metal into Charlie's eye. Charlie, naturally, didn't exactly take this like a man. He began running around in circles screaming, before running headlong into a wall and knocking himself out unconscious. This did, however, attract the attention of a conveniently passing super hiker/doctor.
"He'll have to wear an eye-patch when he wakes up," the doctor explained.
"Do you have a pink one?" Burnsy asked.
"Yes."
"Then he won't mind."
"I'd like one with a sheep on it," Kozak said.
After that half-assed attempt at providing character depth, the group made it to the Pokémon League. Burnsy quickly healed his Pokémon, then entered the first room...
Now, when asked about the battle that ensued, Burnsy will maintain that he was always on top of things, but in truth his opponent, Rupert Grint (who couldn't help but think that Burnsy looked familiar) was perhaps (I can't believe I'm actually going to use this word) pwning Burnsy right up until the stage when someone distracted him with a balloon.
So Burnsy advanced to the next stage, where he met Jet Li. It was amazing how Burnsy had only won most of his badges because of his Charmander humping things, but this time it was a one-eyed Charlie humping Jet Li's leg that he emerged victorious.
Stage three, Agatha Christie. Thankfully she was dead, so she didn't put up much of a fight.
And then came stage four, when Burnsy actually had to use a Pokémon again as he was fighting the dragon master, Sean Connery.
"Beat it like you did that dragon in Goblet of Fire!" Charlie shouted.
"WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE?" Kozak hollered.
The battle was epic, with Connery delivering every line perfectly in that accent. You know, the one he uses no matter what he's playing. Whether he's supposed to be English, Spanish or Japanese. Anyway, Burnsy decided his best option was to try for another distraction.
"Look, it's Ozzy Osbourne," Burnsy shouted, pointing at someone who had just materialised behind Connery.
"What makes you think I have any fucking idea how I got here?" Ozzy asked.
The distraction was all Burnsy needed to seal his victory, but Connery was gracious in defeat.
"Punch the baschtard for God's schake!" Connery shouted. "Oh, it doeschn't matter. You schtill have to beat the champion."
"Champion?" Burnsy asked, momentarily pausing in his Burnsy finger dance. Connery said something no one understand (but it was schtill schexy) and pointed to a door. Burnsy went through it, and suddenly gazed upon the face of evil...
