Phineas and Ferb
Dude, Where's My Girlfriend?
Chapter 8: Stan & Perry at their Worst
A/N: I'm so greatful to everyone who's been reading this story so far! If I had known how popular it was going to be, I'd have written it a long time ago! In fact, I think I might turn this into a transcript and send it to Dan and Jeff and you may even see it on TV someday! Dan, and Jeff, if you're reading this...don't turn this idea away!
Disclaimer: Phineas and Ferb does not belong to me. It belongs to the two geniuses Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh. Keep up the good work, gentlemen! Also any songs featured in this FanFiction are also not mine unless I say they are, which probably will not be the case!
Across the country, there was a high speed chase in hot pursuit between a dozen giant trucks all carrying crates of liquid heroin and a helicopter carrying two secret agents, one a bumbling imbecile, and one a platypus.
"Alright, we've got visual of the targets." Said Stan to his platypus partner and his boss over the intercom. "We're going in."
"Be careful, agent Smith. You can't let them see you."
"I know. That's why you gave us this helicopter to follow them in the sky." Dick was the one driving the helicopter, and he was very careful not to let the thugs see them. In fact, for a while, it seemed like they were all invisible. They followed the trucks across several states for what seemed like hours.
It was only 3 hours later that they had finally hit Virginia and the Tri-State Area. Now all they had to do was make sure they stayed undetected until they reached the sugar factory. After that, everything would be a walk in the park. And for a while that's exactly how it was. But then, suddenly, while the pursuit was going on, one of the drivers in one of the trucks saw in his mirror the helicopter they were flying in. At first, the driver simply perceived it to be a routine helicopter ride, so he paid no mind to it, much to the relief of Stan, Perry, and Dick.
But, when they wouldn't go away and it seemed like they were being follow, the driver did the only sane thing he could think of: pull out a shotgun and shoot them down. He aimed his weapon of choice carefully at the helicopter's prepellers, and pulled the trigger. Upon noticing this, Dick attempted to pull the helicopter back to stop it from hitting its target. Unfortunately, it was too late, and as a result, the prepellers were stopped, and soon the whole helicopter was going down.
"Abandon ship!" Stan yelled to his co-workers as he and Perry got ready to jump out. Dick, however, was too freaked out to even think of moving. So he stayed with the helicopter while Stan and Agent P jumped out just in time before the thing exploded and started plummeting to the ground. The two agents looked on as Dick as still trapped in the helicopter as it fell to the ground. "Oh Dick. He was truly the bravest agent I've ever known. I'll never forgot you." Stan said, teary-eyed, before looking Perry's way, who gave him a raising eyebrow look, which then caused him to burst out into laughter. "Oh yeah, you're right. Disney Channel would never kill somebody off. No, they'd just replace their voice actor and watch the show's popularity suffer as a result of it. That's what happened to that Mickey's Clubhouse show"
Stan also noticed that the falling helicopter was about to crash into a suburban home. "Boy, I sure do feel sorry for the jackass whose house is about to be destroyed."
Stan was referring to the home of Cleveland Brown, whose house was right under the rapidly descending helicopter. It only took five seconds for the helicopter to crash into the front of Cleveland's house, destroying the entire front of it, and causing the debree from his house to fall in the process. As usual, he was in his bathtub when this happened. The impact of the crash was so strong it caused nearly every bit of debree holding up the floorboard to crumble.
Said floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, NO!" He yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Dick Reynolds crawled out of the helicopter, lucky to be alive. "Hey Dick."
"Hey Cleveland. How's it going?"
"Not bad. How about you?"
"Going OK. Wife's good?"
"Yep. Yours?"
"Uh huh. So this makes incident number..."
"3."
"3 times in one episode?"
"Yep."
"Wow, that's gotta be a new record. I don't see how your insurance is gonna cover all of this damage."
"What the hell is home insurance!?"
While Cleveland and Dick were making side conversations to each other, Stan and Perry safely floated to the ground having pulled the cords to their parachutes. The two took their backpacks off and continued running after the dozen trucks. "Damn! We're losing them! We'll never catch them on foot! We have to get another ride!"
Having overheard Stan's bantering, Perry reached into his pocket and pulled out car keys, pressed a button on them, and in seconds, his secret agent car, which then magically transformed into a jet rocket that could fit the two of them, appeared in front of them. Both agents jumped in, strapped in, and took off at lightning speed towards the trucks.
They stayed at a very high altitude the whole time so they wouldn't be detected. Of course, the jet was made so it wouldn't be detectable by radar, but they didn't want to take any chances. After all, they were just caught once, they didn't want it to happen again. "We can't let them see us, again! They may shoot us out of the sky again, just like that plane that went over the Hudson last January."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to the Hudson River in New York. Flight 1549 is about to pass over it during its routine flight route, but Stan is there to make sure that doesn't happen. He takes out his pistol, aims at the oncoming plane, and fires several shots at the plane, virtually killing the engine and causing the plane to dunk into the river. All 155 people on board survived, and Sully Sullenburger was hailed as a hero for his "brave actions". Stan smirked and left the scene.
(End Cutaway)
Their chase took them around the Tri-state area, even though the guys driving the trucks still didn't see them. The news reporters were covering this story, and despite this, the criminals still did not know about because they didn't have radios in the trucks.
"Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker."
"And I'm Diane Simmons. And this is a Channel 5 Action News Special Report."
"We now take you live to CIA Agent Stanley Smith who is on the line with us as he brings us the latest on the investigation on the new drug known only as "liquid heroin"."
The scene on the TV changed over to the jet camera as it was pointed to the on-going trucks. "Yes, good afternoon, Tom and Diane, I'm currently in the middle of a high speed chase in an attempt to catch the thugs who have apparently stolen the liquid heroin drugs the CIA was testing with."
"Do you have any names yet?"
"NO, I can honestly say I do not have any names yet. But our target is in sight and we will pursuit them as long as it takes. We will catch these guys before it's too late."
"Thank you. CIA Agent Stan Smith, everyone, currently on pursuit to catch the thugs who stole the powerful liquid heroin drug. We will continue with these updates as we receive them."
Stan and Perry were on constant alert of them, following them through highways, tunnels, neighborhoods, the whole bit.
The whole chase itself took around 1 hour total, and the entire time, they were undetected by the thugs. Hell, they were quieter than Prince was while he was on The Price is Right.
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to the set of The Price is Right.
"And what is your bid on the dining room set, Prince?" Bob Barker, host, asked Prince, the contestant.
"$350." Was his response, but it was so quiet nobody could hear it.
"I'm sorry?"
"$350." He said slightly louder.
"Can you speak up, please?"
"$350." This time, Prince leaned in so Barker could hear him, but it was still so quiet barely anyone could hear him.
"Alright, and the actual retail price for the dining room set is...$350."
"Yay."
(End Cutaway)
Finally, the chase ended when the trucks pulled up at the "Danville Omega Sugar Factory", and several guys in black hoodies got out of the trucks and went inside through the back entrace, which was just a small door. The front entrace, however, was simply a set of double pale blue doors and had those metal bars that you see on school doors that you have to push to open the door. It wasn't really anything special, except for the fact that there was a giant lock on it, along with chains to block the front door from being opened.
Stan and Agent P landed their jet on top of the building, in case they needed to get a quick escape, and then jumped down onto the ground, safely landing on the soft grass that surrounded the building. When Stan saw the lock on the door, he froze up. "Dammit!" he shouted. "It's locked! There's no way we're going to get in there, and I'm sure they already sealed up the roof and back entrances.
Perry made his usual chattering noise, in agreement.
"You're right, Agent P. But this isn't just a problem. It's..." Perry shrugged his shoulders. "It's an Idea Emergency! And this calls for some serious expertees." Stan looked down at his companion who raised an eyebrow in question. "What? We're running out of gags, so just go with it. Anyway, Agent P, please give it up for my other companinons, the Imagination Movers."
He gave them a round of applause as the four Imagination Movers, Scott Durbain, Rich Collins, Scott "Smitty" Smith, and Dave Poche, entered the scene, while Perry raised his eyebrow even more, to the despair of Stan. "What? You know, Perry, I don't really think you're in any position to be judging people. I mean, you have a beaver tail and a duck bill. I mean, what are you, for that matter? Are you a duck or some gay guy in a farret costume? These guys all--wait, which one of you is Smitty again? Smitty raised his hand. "Ah, there you are, Smitty. Smitty here is the only one whose home wasn't destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. So I really don't think you have the authority to judge them."
"Yeah! SO what's the idea emergency?" Scott D. said to Stan.
"We're trying to get inside the sugar factory so we can stop some bad guys from infecting our country's youth. But the door's locked."
"Hmm...this is a problem." Dave Poche replied as he and the other 3 Movers started pondering on ideas of what to do. "Wait, I think I got an idea! Why don't we try picking the lock with a piece of hair?"
"Dude, the lock is, like, at least a whole foot in diameter, 2 feet, maybe. How the hell is 1 itty bitty hair going to pick that lock over there?"
"Oh yeah, you're right. Didn't think of that."
"You never think."
"I know!" Rich yelled out. "Why don't we ram the lock with something?"
"That's a great idea! Maybe with enough force, we can break the lock or even the chain and get inside! But what are we going to use to ram the door down?"
"Don't worry. I'm already on it." Scott D. said as he put on a hard helment, and as his fellow workers picked him up and held up horizontally.
"Oh that is so cool! I love this show."
"Ready, guys?"
"YEAH!" All the movers shouted.
"On 3! 1..."
"Hold it!" Smitty yelled out. "What comes after 3?"
The movers and Stan and Perry looked at him weirdly for a moment before returning their attention to the door. "1...2...3!" On 3, everyone holding Scott D charged at full speed towards the door, hoping his thick skull and his helmet were enough to break the door down. Unfortunately, all it did was give Scott a concusion upon impact. Not even a scratch.
"Damn! That didn't work!" Stan shouted out. "What now?"
"Hmm, I got it!" Dave called out. "Why don't we try ramming the door down?"
"Uh, didn't we just try that?"
"Oh yeah, you're right."
"There's got to be something we can do to knock this door down!"
While Stan and the four movers were arguing over what to do to get inside, Perry did a little searching of his own. He searched around the whole building, being careful to remain undetected by radar. He searched the bushes, the tress, all for something that could help them get in. In the end, he did manage to find the big, silver key that opened the lock, and unlocked the door by removing the chains afterwards. Stan and the Imagination Movers were stunned.
"Whoa." Smitty said as they all looked on in amazement. "That was pretty impressive."
"He just used a key to open a freakin' lock. What's so impressive about that?" Stan pointed out.
"Yeah, but, he, like, found the key, and stuff."
"Yeah, and then he, like, opened the door, and stuff." Scott D added, looking hazed, along with the other 3 movers.
"Are you...are you guys drunk?"
"So totally drunk, dude."
"Just checking."
So Agent P and Stan left the Movers behind and went inside, and saw that it was the biggest sugar factory in the entire world. The way that sugar was processed was such a complex system that I myself cannot explain it. They could both see the several crates of liquid heroin over by the back of the building, where also several giant funnels and tubes with sugar in them were located. Again, this is a very complex system. There were tubes attached to the front crate, apparently to suck out the heroin through them and dump them through the sugar funnels.
"What the hell is this!?" Stan freaked out. "It looks like they're planning to suck the heroin out through tubes and filter them out through those funnels."
"That's right." Came a voice from the back of the building, who, when stepped out into the light, revealed itself to be Disney Channel star Sterling Knight. "And then we're going to dump it all into this holding funnel," Sterling showed them the funnel in which the sugar was being held in. "And then distribute that sugar to candy factories alll over the country so they can make their precious candy. By the time we're done, every single person in the country will be hooked onto this stuff, and this country will be theirs for the taking.!"
"Theirs? Oh no! You don't mean...oh my god! You guys are..."
"Yep, that's right! We're with Al-Queda!" Another voice came from the shadows, which turned out to be Sterling Knight's co-star, Demi Lovato. And then as if on cue, the other Disney Channel stars, even some Nickelodeon stars, came out of the shadows. They were Tiffany Thorton (Sonny with a Chance), Mitchell Musso, Emily Osment, Jason Earls (Hannah Montana), the Jonas Brothers, Nick, Joe, and Kevin (JONAS), Cole and Dylan Sprouse, Brenda Song, Phil Lewis (The Suite Life on Deck), Kyle Massey, Jason Dolley (Cory in the House), Selena Gomez, and David Henrie (Wizards of Waverly Place).
"What the f--you're all with Disney Channel!"
"That's right."
"But...why?"
"Because we were downright sick and tired of Disney Channel not getting the respect it deserves!" David Henrie shotued out.
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to the outside of It's a Laugh Production, where Wizards of Waverly Place is shot. David Henrie and Selena Gomez walk out, and they are each hit with a tomato that a passing bystander throws at them. "Disney sucks!"
(End Cutaway)
"Wait, you're doing this so people will respect your channel?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Look, it's been a known fact that Disney channel has always been competing against Nickelodeon for the ages 6-11 viewer category." Dylan explained. "Sometimes we nail it..." Referring to High School Musical 2.
"And sometimes we fail miserably." Demi added, referring to The Proud Family.
"But with this stuff..we won't have to worry about that any longer. With everyone high on liquid heroin, they'll have no choice but to watch Disney Channel and watch us try!"
"Wait, so you...oh, I get it!" Stan said with a chuckle. "You think that by getting everyone high on liquid heroin, you'll actually get more viewers for your shows."
"Yep. That's right." Tiffany retorted. Stan laughed a little bit.
"Oh my god, that is...you know what, that's funny. That's really funny. You guys have got the wrong drug." Upon hearing this, Perry quickly chattered his teeth to Stan, getting his attention. The CIA agent took Perry by the shoulders and lifted him into the air, turning his back on the former Disney stars. "Look, Perry, I'm trying something here. It's called Lying Your Ass Off. I'd ask you to do it, but as far as I know, Platypuses can't talk. So keep your beak shut while I do the talking. Everyone at Disney Channel is a complete retard, so I may be able to trick them out of doing this."
He put Perry doing and then turned back to the TV stars. "So, what were we talking about?"
"I don't know, something about us having the wrong drug or something." Jason remembered.
"Oh yeah. About that, look, guys, if you're just trying to get everybody high on liquid heroin just so your shows will get better ratings, you've got the wrong drug."
"We do?"
"Yeah. I mean, all this stuff does is...is...g-give you more energy during the day."
"Huh?" Everyone simultaniously said, even Perry, who showed it through teeth chattering.
"Yeah. It-It's made of mostly caffine so it gives whoever consumes it more energy. But see, it wears off quickly, so that's what gives them that feeling of being high, so that's why -- wait a minute, that makes sense -- and so that's why people take lots of it, so they don't lose that feeling."
Some of the Disney stars were pondreing over it, actually buying Stan's crap. But some were still skeptical. "You make a decent point, but how can we trust you?" Phil Lewis asked.
Stan held up his badge. "I'm a CIA agent. I live for the truth. I mean, it's nto like this is some feble attempt to lie to you guys to get you out of this plot or something." Perry smacked his hand against his head, while the TV magically went on, as if Karma was pissing Stan off.
"We interrupt your feble attempt to lie to some terrorists to get them out of a possible terrorist attack or something to bring you this special report." See? What did I tell you? Karma. "Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker."
"And I'm Diane Simmons. It seems that the deadly liquid heroind rugs has claimed its 1st victim."
"10-year old Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, more commonly known as the lead guitarist in KISS, was found unconscious in an old abandoned warehouse that, ironically, was located right next to where KISS was staying at."
"No!" Stan said quietly to himself whilst he and Perry looked on. Perry was horrified.
"Sources say that the girl was lying on the floor unconscious while holding a bottle that was alledgedly containing the deadly liquid heroin drug that the CIA is after."
"It initially threw police off, but then they realized that the subtstance looks exactly like milk, which is how they were able to continue the investigation.."
"Primative testing of the substance done at the scene revealed that the drug contains 7% alcohol, and reports have spread that she had apparently consumed 4 of those bottles in a period of 2 hours. Additional testing done on the way to the hospital backed these reports up, revealing her Blood Alcohol levels to be 0.192."
"She is currently being treated at the Santa Ana State Hospital listed under critical, but stable condition."
The Disney cast, Stan, and Perry all looked at the TV screen as they played clips of paramedics putting an unconscious Isabella on a stretcher and then putting her into the ambulance, desperately trying to keep her breathing on her own. THen the clips showed bystanders, who were nearly all the Flynn family, waiting on the sidelines, hoping she would pull through. Perry noticed that Phineas was in the shot, and he was crying a lot. This enraged Perry greatly.
"Wow, looks like we were way off on this one." Nick Jonas said.
"Yeah, we weren't out to kill anybody. We just wnated more viewers." Selena explained.
"Yeah, and we wanted more respect." Mitchell continued. But this didn't help Perry's mood at all. He simply grew angrier and angrier to the point where he was using all his willpower to restrain himself from beating the crap out of the Disney stars.
End of Chapter 8!
Next Time: The dramatic, almost conclusion of this epic story!
Expected Update: Friday, October 23rd.
