Disclaimer: HIMYM still is not mine. And frankly, it probably never will be.

Tag to 8x03: "Nannies."


Chapter Nine: Intimacy Issues


Dear Diary,

Barney hasn't talked much about the break-up yet. All he's said is that the two of them realized that they didn't trust each other enough to go through with the marriage. (I don't get it, though. I mean, I could have told them that. Still, Barney really loved Quinn; maybe he let that blind him?)

Anyway, I'm worried about him. Oh, Barney's putting on a good face, there's no doubt of that, but… it feels off somehow. Fake. Like he's trying too hard to be that guy I met seven years ago. No one else seems to notice anything wrong, though. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Still, I'm going to keep an eye on him for a while. Just in case.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, things with Nick are going swimmingly. Just freakin' swi– OK, fine, they aren't. Sometimes I get the sense that Nick thinks we're a little bit more serious than we actually are. Case in point? He signed for a package at my apartment earlier today. I mean, who does that? (Besides family members, spouses, and roommates, that is. Shut up.) And I don't think it's my commitment-phobic side saying that it's a little too soon for that kind of thing. Whatever.

Meanwhile, Lily and Marshall have finally started their hunt for a babysitter (sorry – nanny; Marshall was very clear about that) for Marvin. Hopefully they'll find one soon, because Lily's maternity leave time is almost up.

- Robin

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Dear Diary,

Work is going well; I'm covering natural disasters now! …Well, sort of. My top story a couple of days ago was "Naked Man Runs Back into Inferno to Rescue Potato Salad." On the bright side, my coverage of that event got a lot of hits on YouTube. Apparently people never get tired of watching other people do really stupid things. (That's probably why Metro News One has been able to stay in business for so long.)

Patrice has trying to schedule a "girls night out" with me for a while now, but I've just been so busy. I mean, between work, my hot new boyfriend, and Barney-sitting, I don't have the time right now. I always feel a little bad saying no to Patrice, though… it's kinda like kicking a puppy.

And speaking of said new hot boyfriend, Nick's even better at doing the laundry than Patrice was. Not only does he iron my trousers perfectly, but he's also really good at hemming the cuffs. Add in the fact that he cooks us dinner every night, and I am one lucky woman. Yep. I am lucky.

- Robin

P.S. Every time I try to bring up the subject of Quinn, Barney brushes it aside like it's nothing. I'm worried he's headed for a breakdown if he doesn't deal with how he's really feeling. But if he doesn't want to talk about it, what can I do? …I hate feeling helpless.

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Dear Diary,

I'm seriously worried about Barney. Instead of giving himself time to mourn his breakup with Quinn, he's been coming up with assorted wild schemes for his "Bangtoberfest." What's more, he's spent seven grand on Bangtoberfest merchandise. You can't tell me that's healthy. (I'm now the proud owner of a red Bangtoberfest baseball cap, by the way.)

Meanwhile, Ted has been extremely vocal about how happy he is with Victoria. And that would fine if he didn't then use that "happiness" to continually put my relationship with Nick down. So… I may have let my competitive streak run away with me tonight. When Lily was bemoaning their lack of a nanny, I kind of volunteered Nick and me as babysitters; you know, to prove how well we're clicking as a couple and all that shit. And then it was too late to take the offer back without looking bad. So as much as I adore little Marvin, I really hope Lily doesn't take me up on that offer anytime soon.

In other news, Lily's dad has moved back in with her, Marshall, and Marvin. Apparently he was the "Naked Man" in that story a while back, can you believe it? (Sadly, I can.) Oh, and Lily and Marshall still haven't found a nanny. Given that Lily goes back to work on Monday, this is kind of a problem… especially since Lily refuses to even consider using Mickey. Don't get me wrong, Mickey isn't the ideal dad, but at least he cares. At least he tries. That should count for something, you know?

- Robin

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Dear Diary,

Wow. Nick and I just ran into his parents at a coffee shop. His parents. Nick introduced us and we ended up chatting for a while. They're… nice people, I guess. But it is way too early in this relationship for me to be meeting the family, let alone accepting invitations for get-togethers with them. What, didn't I mention? They invited us to spend New Year's with them. In Hawaii. I mean, what do you say to that? Talk about awkward. So… I might have accepted. And promptly hyperventilated as soon as I was back in my apartment. What was I thinking? I'm not ready to travel out of town with Nick and I'm definitely not ready to spend the holidays with his parents! …Maybe I'll be ready by December, though. And if not, Aunt Maureen can always come down with a mysterious disease that requires me to nurse her back to health. Yeah. I've got this.

- Robin

P.S. Also, I have to admit that it doesn't hurt to have some ammunition on hand for when Ted starts up his couple-bragging again.

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Dear Diary,

Marshall and Lily finally found a nanny that they like. According to Lily, Mrs. Buckminster (that's her name) smells "like lavender, fresh linen, organic homemade chocolate chip cookies, and pure comfort." Marshall agreed, adding that Mrs. Buckminster has a "pillowy bosom" and a voice that sounds "like a soothing lullaby." Unfortunately for my seriously infatuated friends, Mrs. Buckminster charges a mint. And so the great nanny search continues.

Barney's throwing himself into Bangtoberfest with gusto, but he's having a hard (Heh. OK, I'm occasionally immature – so sue me) time coming up with new schemes, which is really unlike him. He's already recycled the Policeman Down Under and the Judge "You're On Her" schemes several times. He keeps swinging back and forth between mania and depression – more than usual, that is – and I'm concerned. But I don't know what to do other than let him know that I'm, y'know, here for him and stuff. I suck at this kind of emotional crap, but I'm willing to try for his sake. I mean, he's my best friend and he needs someone right now. Unfortunately for him, he's stuck with me, but I'll do my best.

- Robin

P.S. One cup of coffee while talking to Nick's parents: $4. One hypothetical plane ticket to Hawaii: $514.23. The expression on Ted's face? Priceless.

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Dear Diary,

Huh. This afternoon, I went miniature golfing with Ted and Victoria. It was originally supposed to be another double-date, but Nick got called into work unexpectedly. (I have to admit, I'm still kinda confused as to how Nick can get called into work on his days off. I mean, it's not like he's a doctor or anything important; he's a chef on a super cheesy cooking show. Whatever.) Anyway, I was waiting at Ted's place for Victoria (who was running late) when it happened. Victoria returned. And she is a slob. Now I'm not judging her – I'm not exactly known for my housekeeping skills, after all – but watching Ted struggle not to show his disapproval was probably the funniest thing I've seen in ages.

Anyway, miniature golf was fun. There was even a resurrection of the whole major/minor joke when Ted accidentally hit his golf ball into the sandpit and called it a "minor mistake." Oh, Ted. Later, we all bought shakes – Ted and I introduced Victoria to the joy that is the Shake Shack – and walked around for a while. All in all, it was a nice way to spend a Saturday.

- Robin

P.S. Barney's been suspiciously quiet lately. I don't know if that's a good sign or not.

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Dear Diary,

Lily just called me. Ninety-two interviews later, they've finally found their nanny: Julie Jorgenson of St. Cloud, Minnesota. Small world, eh? Lily's not all that thrilled about the St. Cloud reminiscing that will undoubtedly occur between Julie and Marshall, but she says that it's worth the price of a reliable, personable, affordable nanny. They're going to call Julie later this evening to confirm her placement, but Lily seems to think that it's a done deal. Thank god that's over with.

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Well shit. Guess who nanny-blocked Lily and Marshall?

That's right: Barney. Apparently this is all part of his latest scheme. (Which explains why he's been so quiet lately.) He heard Lily mention the heynannynanny website, and advertised himself on there as a single dad looking for a nanny. The con is this: He lures in nannies (like Julie Jorgenson), feeds them a sob story, tests their "qualifications," and then tells them that he can't hire them because he finds them attractive and it would be unethical. And it works. Lily says that he called it as easy as "taking candy from an imaginary baby."

Regardless of what Barney is going through, stealing Lily and Marshall's new nanny the night before she's supposed to go back to work is pretty low. Poor Lily.

- Robin

P.S. Ted finally admitted that things aren't entirely peachy with Victoria. Thank you. And so I returned the favor by venting a little about Nick. Whom I still adore by the way.

P.P.S. Ted is still defending the Giants. Please.

P.P.P.S. OK, it's now official: I've finally found someone girlier than Ted. When I killed a spider in the bathroom half an hour ago, Nick sobbed. Then he gave me this little speech about respecting the life of every living creature. (I don't think I'm going to mention my hunting license to him.) Oh, and he buried the freaking spider, using an empty paperclip box as a coffin. There's a fine line between being sensitive and being pathetic, and I think Nick may have just crossed it.

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Dear Diary,

Oh my god. Barney was ambushed by all those nannies he duped. They beat him up, jammed a pacifier somewhere that he still refuses to disclose, and then tossed him in a dumpster full of poopy diapers. But even worse than that is the fact that he's acting like he has a split-personality disorder or something. He even admits that he's out of control right now; frankly, I think it's a cry for help. But what can I do? He looks miserable, but he still doesn't want to discuss Quinn. She must have really hurt him.

After the rest of the gang left McLaren's earlier tonight, Barney and I chatted and drank together for an hour or so. But eventually I had to leave; Nick was expecting me at his place for dinner. I offered to split a cab back with him, but he said that he wanted to stay at the bar a bit longer. But he was staring into his tumbler and his smile as he said it was so – so fake. God, I hate this. I f***ing hate not being able to do something.

- Robin

P.S. After some thought, I've decided that Nick really isn't so bad. He's a sweet guy who treats me well. I mean, he cooks and cleans. Where else am I going to find someone who'll do that for free? And he really seems to like me. I can't just break up with a guy like that.

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Dear Diary,

Huh. I just stopped by Marshall and Lily's place to try to talk to them, only to discover – from Mickey, no less – that they'd hired Mickey as their nanny. He said that they were both taking a nap and not to be disturbed. I can't help but wonder what changed Lily's mind about hiring him. For that matter, why didn't she say anything about it to me? She used to tell us everything, right down to when she or Marshall made an interesting-shaped deuce.

Whatever. They're busy. I get it. Now that they're parents their priorities have changed; they don't have time to hang out with us as often or to chitchat. Really, I get it.

…it still sucks.

- Robin


A/N: Since I can't PM those of you who have reviewed anonymously, this is my shout-out to you: thank you! I truly appreciate all of your comments.

And now for the chapterly review request – this time in limerick form! (And may I note that it's hard to write a clean limerick after writing in Robin's POV?)

*clears throat*

"In this world, there are authors of fic

Who sometime need a good kick

Their only revenues

Are their readers' reviews

Please review? That will do the trick."