Chapter 10
You've Got To Know, Pt 2
Silence filled the room. She watched as he carefully considered his next words, wringing his hands together, tensing his jaw.
"I didn't think you saw me as anything other than your boss and your partner, I didn't think our friendship ran deeper than that", he admitted.
"On your part", he quickly clarified, raising more questions in her whirring mind.
"On my part?", she shot him a questioning glace, nodding as she chewed at her bottom lip.
He regretted those three small words immediately. She had latched on to them. He knew she could decipher them quickly, and that they revealed far too much about his feelings for her. Mac was sure she wasn't going to let this drop, either. He felt as though with every sentence he uttered he was adding years to a life sentence.
"And what about on your part, Mac. What have you not been telling me about that?", she asked, the anger still present in her voice but tinged with a tired sadness.
"Stella, this has gotten out of control. I don't want to argue you with you…", he sighed, rising from his seat. "I'm sorry, Stel. I should sleep. We can talk tomorrow", he stated as he walked past her, gently squeezing her shoulder in apology.
"Will you really sleep, Mac? Or will you lay awake wondering how you're going to work this out before the end of the week – before I'm effectively homeless and you're on the other side of the world dodging bullets and bombs", she stated harshly, seeing him halt as his head dropped in the periphery of her gaze.
He walked back the sofa and resumed his seat, leaning forwards and placing his head in his hands, drawing in a deep breath. She was right, he wouldn't sleep at all tonight unless he fixed this.
"On my part?", he finally responded with a sigh. "I care about you, Stella. Probably more than I should and more than you know…and it's painful, seeing you every day professionally and-", he stopped himself abruptly before his words torched this friendship for good.
"…'and'", she softly pushed him. "Mac, you're the most intelligent person I know – you should be able to work this out by yourself. I'm sat in your apartment at 1.30am with tears in my eyes, I've known you for years, we've been friends – or so I thought – for years, I care…", she emphasised, stopping before her voice cracked into the still air.
He looked back at her with a small frown, his face etched with worry. Mac felt like he was stuck in a game of wills, seeing whose poker face would drop first. What was she really saying to him – that she sincerely cared for him deeply as friend and was upset that he couldn't confide in her? Or…?
'Does she love me?', he ruminated as he wringed his hands, staring down at his feet.
He threw in his cards, taking a risk – what had he got left to lose now anyway?
"…and…not seeing what I feel reflected back at me. Not being able to act on it for fear that it wouldn't be reciprocated…for fear of how that would affect our work…and what that would do to my career if I had read everything wrong", he finally cracked.
Her mouth hung slightly agape as she looked at him. It wasn't overt, but she had finally heard the confession that she had been pushing for. He hadn't declared his love for her or confirmed that he had always carried a torch for her - Mac wasn't as transparent as that, she knew that. But now she knew for certain that this was no longer a conversation about the significance or state of their platonic friendship.
"But what if it was reciprocated, Mac? All along…but you are my boss…and despite our friendship, you keep me at an arm's length - I can feel that. How about my fear? My job? And honestly Mac…for a number of years…I just didn't want to rush you into anything, after Claire", she quietly spoke. "I didn't know how you felt, or if you were ready…how to approach you. And then when you started to date Peyton…I realised I'd left it too late…you were ready and I wasn't there for you…"
His heart began to slow its racing pace as she spoke to him again. There it was, the evidence that he had been searching for all along - this was mutual. This yearning, frustration, uncertainty – it had never been one sided. He knew that they were reading from the same page now, but he wanted it out in the open rather than disguised in carefully selected, non-incriminating words.
"So what are we saying here?", he carefully inquired, looking at her with a sad hopefulness in his eyes.
"That we left this too late, and now we don't have a chance", she sighed, finally shifting to sit beside him on the sofa in resignation.
They sat together for a beat contemplating what had transpired this evening, until Mac's weary voice broke into the silence.
"I'm changing career, Stella - I'm not dead", he stated, raising an eyebrow.
She couldn't help but let out a small but genuine laugh at his words. He had managed to cut through all of the emotion and tension in her body with one simple truth.
"No, you're not", she conceded, "but if we make a decision on this, whatever it is, it's not going to be easy", she stated, meeting his unwavering gaze.
