Dear Arthur,

Hey there, Artie! I'm Alfred F. Jones, Hero extraordinaire, and I'm going to save you from dying of boredom! How you were able to live this long without knowing me is going to be a question you will ask daily. Are you ready for me to make your life awesome? Of course you are!

I'm from the state of Virginia of The United States of America, and let me tell you, Artie, that the place is gorgeous. It's green and sunny, and super beautiful. You're totally jealous. I can tell. I bet you're all upset that you don't live somewhere as awesome as America the Beautiful… where do you live?

Anyways, I live in Virginia with my mom during the summer, since my parents are divorced. Mattie, my brother, lives with my dad in Ontario. Both my parents are awesome! Dad is like Bear Grylls, just Canadian, and Mom's like Paula Dean, just younger. I wish that they were still together, though. I really miss them both, and even though I see my brother, Mattie, during the school year, I miss him a lot when he's gone. He's kinda the Robin to my Batman. I need my sidekick to help me out! What about your family, Artie? Are your parents together? Do you have siblings?

What are your hobbies, Artie? I love to play football, soccer, baseball, tennis, and golf! I used to be terrible at all of those sports, so I practiced a lot! I'm awesome at them now! What kind of sports do you do? I also play video games with my buddy, Kiku! He and I are always trying to outdo each other. Of course, Kiku won't say that, he'll be all like "Oh, Alfred, I just defeated the secret boss Terra in Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix on critical mode, and I was wondering how you were doing with him." Kiku is a great friend, even if he can be a bit of a show off where video games are concerned. I also love music! I'm a trumpet player, but I also play bass and sing! I don't have the best singing voice, but I'm starting to get a little more awesome.

What about school? Do you like it or hate it? I don't really know what to think about it, because I love math and science! I've got a knack for it! Me and Kiku are going to be scientists someday, and create thousands of awesome inventions that'll save the world! So those classes are the best! But then there's English. I just don't see the point of reading about dead old guys, and I swear, if I have to read one more poem by Edgar Allen Poe or Emily Dickenson, I'm going to throw things, like Lovino did last week when the cafeteria ladies had slightly smushy tomatoes in the pasta. Except Lovino likes- no, obsess- over tomatoes, and I don't obsess over English. I'm not making any sense, am I? Sorry 'bout that, Artie.

Yeah, even though I'm awesome, my letter writing is definitely not up to my standard of awesome! Hope you'll reply to this so I can get more practice and get better!

Hope you write soon (I'm awesome and I know you want to write to me!),

Alfred F. Jones


Dear Alfred F. Jones,

It's "Kiku and I", not "Kiku and me"! For Christ's sake, I can see why you hate English! You haven't the faintest clue about proper grammar! It's appalling! What in the world do you do in those classes of yours? How could you have such a horrid grasp on your own language? What does the "F" in Alfred F. Jones stand for? I have many questions for you, and I don't think I will be getting any clear, concise answers anytime soon. Especially if your writing continues to be as abysmal as it is now. I see that I have my work cut out for me.

I live in Bath, England, and let me inform you that I am not at all jealous of your Virginia home. You're spoilt with all that sunshine. England is a beautiful land, and able to hold its own against any place in America, I assure you. Just because your country is so large that one of its states is larger than mine, it doesn't mean that it's any better! It's only different, which does not necessarily dictate bad or good.

I live in a small house with my mum, father, and five brothers. I'm the second youngest. I wish that I had only one brother. Mine used to tease me mercilessly when I was younger, and we've never seen eye to eye. I'm sure your brother doesn't appreciate being called a 'sidekick', though. What is it like, to have a twin? I hear all sorts of strange stories of 'intuition' and such. Is there any credit to those stories?

I'm sorry to hear that your parents are separated, Alfred. It is difficult for me to imagine how it must be for you, and I am no good at comforting people. I let others do the talking, and I merely sit next to them and hand them some tissues and a cup of tea.

By football I presume you mean American football, and real football is what you call soccer. I play real football, and I'm a decent goalkeeper. I'm rather surprised at the amount of sports you participate in. You must be quite the athlete. I haven't the patience for golf, though my brother Dave claims that my 'chip shots' are simply remarkable. I don't even know what those are! I just smack the ball with a club and hope it goes the right direction. Perhaps you can interpret that for me? You're a musician as well, Alfred? What do you not do?

I enjoy school, though a few years back I was a bit of a delinquent and avoided the place like the plague. It seems we are polar opposites, Alfred F. Jones. I am ashamed that you cannot appreciate the works of those 'dead old men'. I do see how you can despise the works of Emily Dickinson and Edgar Allen Poe. Sometimes I wonder if they prefer being dead, since they seemed to eagerly await their final hours.

I'm amazed that there is a student who obsesses over tomatoes at your school! There is a boy, Antonio, who sounds very much like this Lovino, minus the temper tantrum over tomatoes. Antonio would just sob and ask why the tomatoes were so "sad looking". Maybe there are more things that we share in common that I had previously thought.

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland

P.S. Do not call me "Artie"!


AN: I didn't think I'd be able to post this today, but I managed it! I'm going to try to post something tomorrow, but I'm not sure how that'll turn out. Thank you for reading, reviewing, and generally helping me become a better writer! I really appreciate it, and have a great day!