As soon as the sun was up, I walked into Haymitch's room and shook him awake. I just needed answers, nothing else. No trouble, no apologies. Answers. I stepped back as a knife waved in my face, knowing he always slept with a knife. I grabbed the knife from his hand. Haymitch violently stirred awake, taking a second to focus his eyes on me.
"Sweetheart, what are you doing?"
"Haymitch, if you don't tell me the truth, I will stab myself in your room right this second," I said. Those words made Haymitch wake up completely. He tried to grab for the knife, but I held it pointed at my heart. "I'll do it. Please just tell the truth."
"What do you want to know, sweetheart?"
"Why did he lie?"
"You might need to clarify a little," Haymitch said, obviously not wanting to tell me the truth. I let the knife drop down to my side.
"Why did Peeta tell me he loved me? Was it just to make sure I acted right? Did you two not trust me?"
"No, sweetheart. We just didn't want to take any chances," Haymitch explained, immediately hating his answer.
"Any chances?" I squeaked. I leaned in close to Haymitch and hissed, "In case you didn't know, I really love Peeta. Even when I try to stop thinking about him and loving him, he's still in my head. I think I would've been able to act in love with him without him loving me back. I did it during the Games. I could've done it again. All he did was set me up for more heartbreak."
"No, we didn't mean for that to…"
"Haymitch, you didn't mean for anything to happen. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less! I believed that Peeta loved me, only to find out that once again it was all fake!" I cried. I threw the knife on the ground and began to storm away.
"Sweetheart, it's not like that!"
"Goodbye, Haymitch!"
"No, Ivy, just listen!" Haymitch cried.
"I said, goodbye!" I shouted as I slammed the door shut. My hand lingered on the doorknob, wondering if I should go in and apologize for yelling. This thought immediately left my mind when I saw Peeta walking towards the door. I sprinted off in the opposite direction, hearing him calling my name. The calls were more distant, and I knew he wasn't chasing after me. So, I stopped. And looked where I was. The final train car, again. I heard footsteps.
"Please, I don't want anyone to talk to," I said to whoever was behind me.
"Girl on Fire," Cinna said, "why are you so sad?" I turned to Cinna, seeing he was ready to leave if needed. He looked so kind and sincere. Maybe I could talk to him.
"I thought everything was going to be okay," I murmured.
"And?"
"Nothing's okay," I breathed out. Cinna's hand reached under my chin and held my head up so I was forced to look at him. His hand left my chin, but I kept looking at him.
"Tell me, do you expect everything to just happen by itself?" he asked. I thought for a second.
"No…" I murmured, thinking hard.
"Yet…" he prompted.
"Yet I did nothing to help make things okay," I admitted. Cinna smiled and nodded at me.
"I know things will work out for you, Girl on Fire. But you can't expect life to just hand you perfection on a platter. You have to enjoy what you have and create what you want," he said. I leaned forward into Cinna and wrapped my arms around him. I could always count on him to be there for me, when no one else was. His arms lightly wrapped around me in return.
"But how do I make things right?" I asked.
"You have a couple nights before we get to 12. I have no doubt that you will find the courage to make things okay," Cinna said. How did he always know exactly what I was feeling? How did he always know what to say?
Cinna gently pulled away from me, "Now, what do you say we go get some breakfast?"
I nodded and let Cinna lead me to the dining car.
How did Cinna give such good advice? How could he know my situation? How did he know exactly what to ask to get how I was feeling? I realized that even though Cinna and I were close, I barely knew anything about him. But maybe he wanted to keep it that way.
I ate breakfast in complete silence, only occasionally answering Peeta and Haymitch with one-word answers. Eventually, they gave up trying to talk to me. I asked to be excused and left without even waiting for permission, knowing this would anger Effie. But I didn't care. I didn't feel like being with anyone right now. I just needed some time to make sense of everything.
That night, I barely slept. I woke up after about an hour of restless sleep. I walked around my room, trying to tire myself out. I wasn't tired.
I kept hearing words over and over again in my head.
I'm here! I can help! I don't understand! Tell me what's wrong!
My hands squeezed either side of my head.
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" I said, louder and louder each time until I was screaming at the top of my lungs for his voice to stop. Then my head was silent. I thought of the clear ocean in district 4. I tried to think only of the water, tilting ever so slightly while remaining upright.
I felt myself slide to the floor and into a sitting position with my legs crossed. The image was peaceful, and I felt peace within myself.
I imagined that ocean for hours without any interruption. Eventually, I drifted to sleep, still dreaming of the ocean. As I dreamed, I was on the ocean. I was slowly tilting from side to side with the water. But then, suddenly, I was dragged under. And the ocean wasn't so peaceful anymore. I felt the oxygen leave my mouth. And with my final breath, I shouted out.
And woke up. I was lying on the floor with a blanket over me. As my eyes opened, I saw Peeta's retreating figure. He turned to look back at me before exiting the room. The door shut with a click.
I sat up. Had he been watching me? How long was he there? Why was he here? I clung to the blanket, only now realizing how cold I had been. Was I shivering when Peeta came in?
I couldn't sleep, so I took a shower and waited awake until morning. I decided that today I would find the courage to make things okay. I had forgiven Peeta once right? I could forgive him again, right? I should just go up to him and ask to be friends. Like he wanted from the beginning. Like I should have wanted form the beginning.
I went to breakfast but beat everyone else there for a change. I sat at the table alone. A mug slid down the table, and I caught it between my hands before it spilled all over. I looked up to see Haymitch chucking a roll at me. I caught it as well.
"Thanks," I muttered. He pulled out a flask and took a swig. He then looked shocked and sniffed.
"Tea," he huffed angrily, throwing the flask across the room.
"Haymitch, are you oka…"
Haymitch shook his head to get the hair out of his face. "Listen, sweetheart. You've got everything turned around. Give the boy a chance. Don't just let your girly instincts take over and control your mind. Just because Snow said something to you doesn't mean it's true. Do you got that?" Haymitch said in a rush, punching every word with emphasis that scared me a little.
"It wasn't just something Snow said. It was what you all said," I murmured, staring into the hot chocolate. The heat made the cream and brown colors swirl around in pretty patterns. It was almost calming.
"Are you saying you completely believed that Peeta loved you the whole time? That you never had any doubts?" Haymitch asked.
"No, I didn't really believe him at all," I told him.
"Then why are you up in my cabin threatening to kill yourself, sweetheart?" Haymitch asked.
"Because I thought things were okay for once."
"And they are, Ivy," Haymitch said tenderly. I shook my head.
"No, because Peeta still lied to me! He still loves Katniss!" I shouted, trying to make Haymitch understand.
"No!" he yelled back, his fist rising in the air, as if poised to punch the table. I wasn't scared of him. Not anymore. Barely anything scared me now… except maybe Peeta.
"Haymitch, I really can't take anymore right now. Enough lies! Enough trying to make Ivy act the right way to save her skin! There's nothing we can do, okay? The districts aren't going to calm down. We've done enough, and the Game can end. We've lost!" I cried, slamming my hands on the table.
"No. No, no, no. We've just begun!" Haymitch shouted, somewhat excitedly.
"Begun what?" Effie asked, walking through the door. My mouth hung open.
What do I say? What do I say?
"Preparations for the wedding. We'd love some help though," Haymitch said smoothly. He shot a glare at me and kicked his feet up on the table. Effie looked at his feet in disgust for a second before understanding his words.
"Oh, don't expect to plan anything without me!" she exclaimed. And suddenly I was whisked away into a bunch of plans for my wedding to Peeta. I started to feel sick to my stomach at all the plans. Dresses, floral arrangements, where, when, who's invited…
"Ivy, you okay?" someone asked. I looked up to see Peeta sitting across from me. Since when did he get here?
I shook my head, but replied, "Yes."
Peeta turned to everyone and said, "I'm going to take her back to her room. She looks sick."
He got up and grabbed my arm. I couldn't complain in front of everyone, but I shot Haymitch a look that screamed help. He shrugged and took a drink from a glass of wine he had ordered. Peeta dragged me to the final car instead of my room.
"Here, get some fresh air. You look really pale," he commented. He let go of my arm and let me stand off a couple feet away from him. I hung my head over the railing and felt the wind hit my face and blow my hair around. It felt good to breathe fresh air. Maybe I had been cooped up in the train for too long. Peeta was looking at me. I looked off the train and felt tears well up in my eyes. I had courage right now. But I felt like anything I could say would makes things worse. That didn't stop me from talking.
"Why did it happen again?" I asked.
"What happened again?"
"You hurt me again," I glanced at him, "it's like my feelings don't even matter to you."
"They do! Your feelings matter to me a lot!" he said loudly. Peeta wasn't angry with me. I wanted him to be angry with me. Anger would be better than his… his… hurt tone. Why did he sound hurt?
"But not enough for you to just tell me the truth. You have to lie to get the performance you want," I spat. Peeta shook his head.
"I wasn't lying," he started.
"Don't even start. Please. I've already heard it from Haymitch. Give him a chance. Give him a chance," I looked at Peeta, trying not to look angry, "I'm done getting hurt. I'll act for the cameras and for the safety of my friends and family back home. But not for you."
I began to walk away.
"Ivy, won't you just listen…"
"To more lies?" I asked. I turned one more time to face him, and he could see the tears visible on my face. I hated myself, but once I started I couldn't stop. I was just digging a deeper and deeper hole with each sentence. And I doubted there was a way out. "See you in 12, Mr. Mellark."
Peeta didn't try and stop me this time. And he was smart not to. I stopped once I was out of his sight. I leaned against the wall.
What have I done?
*A/N OMG WHO SAW CATCHING FIRE WASN'T IT PERFECT I'M CRYING! REVIEW MY STORY AND REVIEW THE MOVIE! :D*
