Chapter Nine: Trying Not to Feel It
She sat alone, once again staring out at the ocean; in complete silence...complete darkness...complete inebriation. She took another swig of alcohol, and stared blankly before her at the crashing waves as the burning liquid coursed down her throat. She felt nothing. The burning sensation was nothing to her anymore...even though it had such strong after effects. She loved that. The emotionless presence that she had become was just wasting away on the beach…and she loved every second.
This is all she had been doing lately. Sitting...drinking...losing herself in depression and tears. The beach and ocean had become her new best friends. She was ready to be engulfed in those huge waves of black. Darkness, calmness, shallowness. That's all she felt...and staring into the darkness made it easier to think things over. Only when she sat and stared was Marissa tranquil. In her own little world, lost in thought.
(I used to same line for Ryan in chapter four...lol ;) )
She'd been trying to keep herself busy, trying not to think about Ryan, or her mom...or anything. She hadn't spoken to Ryan or Summer in days...and only exchanged a few "I'm not coming home's" and "Stop calling me's" with her mother over the phone. She just needed time. She would go back home eventually, once the pain was remotely bearable. She just couldn't bring herself to do it. How would she go home and pretend everything was okay when it wasn't? What was she supposed to say to Ryan...didn't he like Sadie anyway? For now all she needed was the quiet.
And Volchok...
He was her new escape...just like how Ryan as in the beginning. Only she didn't sleep with Ryan right off the bat. He was too special for that. Marissa liked that Volchok was nothing to her...and she was nothing to him. She could have a good time with him without all the baggage of a relationship weighing her down. He was just her new quick fix. Her new escape to run to that would make everything disappear.
Every night when she was done wallowing, she'd stumble across the pier and find Volchok with his buddies, drinking and smoking as usual. She'd either hang out with them, drink some more, or smoke some pot, or Volchok would lead her back to his van where she'd just pass out all together. Every morning she'd wake up not remembering anything...and that was the part she liked the most. She didn't have to wallow over the night before, or the night before that. Every night was a new adventure, a new dark haze of highness, a new escape...
She tried cocaine for the first time only recently. It was a bad night...with everything that happened with Ryan and not being able to talk to Summer about any of it. She didn't know what else to do. The coke made her feel different...lighter than air. And plus it was there for the taking. Marissa had heard of the effects of it...and she was desperate to feel something like that. It was fun for a while but really wasn't her thing. She figured she'd just stick with the drinking for now.
Vodka always did the trick for her. It made all the pain wash away...emotional pain anyway. But the one fault was that it never lasted very long. It would always wear away after a short amount of time...just like Marissa knew Volchok eventually would. She knew what she was doing wouldn't last forever...which is why she was just taking it all in. Living in the moment, waiting for the pain to subside so she could go home and pretend to be okay...
Marissa dreaded going home...not only be cause of her mother and Dr. Roberts but because she'd have to see Ryan and Sadie together. Marissa could tell that Ryan liked her, and knew something would happen between them as soon as she and Ryan were done. It was only a matter of time. She knew she wasn't making Ryan happy, and figured she should just be out of the picture for a while to let him find happiness with some one else, like Sadie. She loved him enough to let him go, but hated herself for letting all of this happen. Why had she been so stupid? Why did she always do this when she and Ryan were together? Why couldn't she talk to him and trust him like she could with Johnny? She once again broke his heart...and hers.
Marissa took another long swig...and then another. The night was young and she was already tipsy. As she sat, she could see a dark and blurry figure approaching her. She just sat and watched as the figure came closer and plopped themself down next to where she was sitting in the sand. "Hey", Volchok muttered as he made himself comfortable. Marissa looked at him and smiled, giving him a sloppy drunken kiss and saying hi in return. He reached into his leather jacket pocket and retrieved his tube of crack and flask. He laid the drugs next to his leg, and unscrewed the cap of his flask, taking a long drink.
The two sat in silence, on the sand with their flasks . "I wanna toast", Marissa said, raising her flask to him. Volchok looked at her like she was crazy. "A toast? To what?" She swallowed more of the burning liquid and let out a long breath, looking up to his blurry features again. To heartbreakers", she answered. "Heartbreakers?" she nodded and urged the flask forward further. "Yeah...let's make a toast to people falling in love...and giving their hearts away just to get them broken." She paused and blinked away the light breeze. " A toast to all the people out their who make breaking hearts look like nothing...because it's easier to break a heart than to have yours broken." Volchok tilted his head with a kind of humored confusion. "Uh...whatever you say, I guess...to heartbreakers."
Volchok
raised his flask to meet hers, they clanked, and both of them put
their flasks to their lips. Volchok took a small sip and looked over
at Marissa, who was completely downing her whole bottle. She closed
her eyes and swallowed over and over, lifting up the flask vertically
so all of the liquid could slide down her throat. All she wanted was
to feel numb again. She didn't want to think about anything anymore,
didn't want to deal with it. She was just trying to escape once
more...trying not to feel it.
"Damn,
girl..." Marissa finished her flask, twisted the cap back on,
and looked at Volchok. "Let's get outta here..." Volchok
nodded. "Sure, we can crash at my friend's place tonight."
Volchok got up and put his hand out for Marissa. She took it and he pulled her up. They both started to walk up towards the parking lot. Marissa stumbled along and finally her knees buckled. "Whoa, hey...you alright?" he asked, only a hint of concern in his voice. "Yeah, yeah... I'm fine." she insisted. Kevin held her hand tighter. "Just take it easy." He walked ahead of her slightly. This chick was way too dramatic for him to handle. he hadn't told Marissa of his little conversation with Ryan, hoping that he could bask and gloat the fact that he could now manipulate Marissa into anything. He knew it was a venerable time in her life, and he would use her in any way to get back at Ryan.
Marissa stumbled hurriedly, trying to catch up with Volchok. He kept walking, lighting a cigarette and taking several puffs. Once he reached the parking lot, he shifted, turning in the direction of the car. Behind him he heard a loud thud, and then several grunts coming from Marissa. Looking behind him, Volchok could see her passed out in a ball on the concrete. "Great..." he said, walking over to her. He looked down at her and lightly tapped her arms and face. "Hey...Marissa? Hey..." He sighed, looking from his truck to Marissa, his truck to Marissa...wondering what he was supposed to do with her tonight.
