A/n: It was really hard to write this chapter. This story from chapter one I have been putting a lot of my personal life in it.


Chapter Nine: Diagnosis: Terminal ft Broken


Rey had felt as if she had been away for a long time.

She had broken up with Kylo a month ago but it felt like years.

You've only been with him for a couple months, Finn and Poe would say. Don't get your hopes up, Peanut. You have so much to look forward to.

And Rey would respond: Actually six months. And thank you.

It was hard. Everyone expected her to move on after a week or so but she wasn't them. She doesn't date any person that came to her view. She doesn't just open up to anyone. Kylo played a crucial role in her life and now he was gone.

Rey would try to forget - keep herself busy but the second she looked up in that classroom and locked eyes with Professor Solo, she was reminded of him and the things that he had done to her.

"Peanut," Finn began as he handed her a cup of hot coffee. He settled into his chair that was oriented across from her. They were still in their pajamas in the afternoon, as tradition for their lazy Sundays. "Why did... you... break up with... him?" he asked slowly, cautious not to say anything wrong. A month had passed since she had broken up with Kylo (it felt like half a year in semester times) and it was due time to address the elephant in the room. "I know what he did was messed up but he didn't mean to hurt you."

She blew the steam and took a long sip of her coffee before answering. "Because," she began - her voice was rasp, as if she had been crying prior to their lazy afternoon. "A few days after that happened, I walked in on him with another girl."

His face crumpled.

"He did other things," she said quietly. It was the first time that she had addressed this - told anyone but somehow it felt like she had been talking about it forever. She swallowed hard and stared down at her coffee. She sees a reflection - it's hers but it wasn't her at the same time. It was a shell of herself. A broken version. She took another sip and went silent for a few seconds before answering. "He told me he didn't mean to hurt me - that he was thinking clearly - his excuse was that he thought I was cheating on him."

Finn mumbles something underneath his breath. Disdain. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, Peanut." He reaches and squeezes her hand. "He's not worth being sad over."

She flinches from the touch. From human interaction. Affection. Her eyes were locked onto the table while her free hand was sinking her nails into her flesh. "Did I...do anything wrong?" she asks lowly.

"What do you mean?"

"Did I do something to give him the impression that I was unfaithful?"

And that was it - the thought that had been in her mind for the past month.

"No," Finn says without a second thought. "You didn't do anything. The only thing to blame is his insecurity."

Rey sank her nails into her skin harder.

"To be honest, I didn't really like him. He didn't seem all there."

Silence.

"Remember that stunt he pulled? How he pretended to be Professor Solo? That was really disturbing."

She swallowed hard and forced herself to look at Finn. "I know," she said, swallowing the lump in her throat. She knew it was and yet she continued their relationship. It was so foolish of her. It was a red flag from the beginning.

Finn squeezed her hand again. "You deserve so much better, Peanut. You don't need someone to take care of, you need someone that can be there of you. Don't ever forget that."


"Let's go out, Peanut!" Finn hollered a couple hours later that day.

She looked up from her textbook and raised her eyebrow. "It's too late -

"It's only five!" Finn laughed.

"And it's also a Sunday. I have class tomorrow - you have class tomorrow," she reminded him.

Finn rolled his eyes and brushed off her hermit ways. "The night's young. Come on. You need to live, girl!" He pulls her up from her seat. "Come on, put on some nice clothes. Get out of those ratty pajamas. You need to have fun! I've been holding my tongue for far too long. Now I call the shots. We're going out to a club."

"Who goes to a club on a Sunday?"

"Us!" he laughs with pride.

"No! That doesn't sound like a good idea at all. I don't want to be surrounded by skirt chasing guys."

Finn exhaled and rolled his eyes. He took another deep breath and remained calm. "How about shopping and ice cream?"

Her eyes lit up then.

Finn couldn't help but to laugh.


To her surprise, the very next morning Rey was wide awake and fully functional. She assumed she would be exhausted from last night but she wasn't. It was such a great night - Finn helped her picked out a cute new outfit and treated her to some ice cream and Poe bought Chinese takeout and they binged watched some old time-y sitcom. Poe even taught her how to knit so she can make BB-8 a sweater for future reference.

The night kept her busy but it was a new day today.

It was cold. Gloomy. It was raining and her anxiety was still there.

And it hadn't left. Soon, she would have Professor Solo's class.

Seeing his face caused a number on her. Ben was the reason why things ended with Kylo. She knew damn well Ben wasn't responsible for the breakup, it was Kylo's insecurity and recklessness but seeing the face of his twin brother didn't help at all. Ben's face reminded her of her break up but worse of the feelings she had for her teacher.

It took so much strength for her to go to class and stay on top of the lectures and quizzes.

It was so hard to resist temptation of skipping altogether.

It was so hard being the bigger person and acting as if nothing happened.

Every time she goes to class, she feels anxiety. Nervousness. Sadness.

She didn't feel like she broken up with just Kylo - she felt as if she had broken up with both of them.

Rey wrapped her scarf tighter as she headed out to the class. Her shoes were soaked to the brim, squishing and all and her umbrella was barely protecting her. It had a broken latch and it was worn and flimsy. The wind didn't help at all either.

She wondered how could a sunny day turn so dark and gloomy the next day? And with no warning too. All she wanted was to be at home and curled up underneath her warm comforters.


Her cheeks were stained red. The tip of her nose was a much darker shade. Almost rose. She was cold, Ben knew by little observation. But he kept his mind focused on the lecture.

Her eyes move away from him and on to her notebook.

Ben goes on with the lecture. Slide after slide. Question after question.

His mind works on a different level. He was a scholar. He was disciplined. Losing focus wasn't nature to him. He could glance at her without wavering. He could look at her without stumbling. He could say every word clearly and sharply through all of this. This girl was meant to be admired from a distance. Ben had knew this from the beginning, since she had first stepped into his classroom. For admiring her close was dangerous.

Just admiring her from this space was animalistic.

Every time she bit her nails as she wrote, he went more in detail with the chapter. Every time she looked up at him, he locked his eyes on her. Every time she shuffles in her seat, he kept a steady pace.

Things were not back to normal. Things were not like clockwork for him. He's been staring at her more he knew. He couldn't help it though. He misses her smile. He misses it even when she was smiling for someone else. He keeps looking at her, hoping that her lips would curl up just a bit. Ben had not yet quite disciplined himself with this girl.

There had been girls in the past that caught his interest - but none could compare. Rey - this girl was a distraction. Before her, he knew what his life was. There were only a few uncertainties but now she was here. She was an uncertainty.

"Your homework is due next class," he says, casually dismissing the class.

Ben waits for the class to disperse and then her.

He packs up his up his things then once the distance was once again, created. It was better this way. She's going through a lot and he doesn't want to complicate things for her. He doesn't want to hurt her but he knows that he is. It was inescapable. Sometimes doing the right thing didn't feel right.

Ben shakes the thought away. He shouldn't be wrapped around this girl. His brother already was and so there was no need for Ben to. Ben had many things to worry about. Their dad was still in the hospital and stubborn to follow the treatment and take his medication.

When Ben wasn't at work or grading papers, he was at the hospital tending to his father. And when he wasn't taking care of his father, Ben was at home, watching his dad's dog, Chewie. Chewie was in worse shape than Han. Every day and every night Chewie looks for Han. Searches. Cries. Han had Chewie since he was a pup and Chewie had never been separated from Han this long before. Every time Ben came home, Chewie would smell Han's scent on Ben's clothes but once Chewie realized it's just a scent, he would go to the corner and sulk.

Ben can't remember the last time he had a full night's rest.

No matter what happened, Ben never let his emotions affect him or his responsibilities. For Kylo that was another story. Ben had been trying to get Kylo to visit dad but ever since the breakup, Kylo refuses to do anything.

That's what differentiated him and Kylo. Kylo was expressive and let his emotions run while Ben was level headed and suppressed them. Ben knew darn well that he came out cold and indifferent but he rather be that than to do let the tension intensify.

Ben knew what was important in life. Even as time went on, he never loses his way. But it's so hard going the right thing. There was many times that he considers to slip.

But he doesn't. He never does.

He never lets himself slip up for self interest.

He gathers the rest of his things and puts on his jacket and heads out to his meeting.


To his surprise, it was still raining.

He had finished his meeting some time ago and just finished his last office hour session. It was dark now and yet it was still raining. It was chillier, windier, and the water was at his shoe laces.

This weather wasn't fit to be outside. Ben took no time with walking to his car. His car was on the opposite side of campus -

He sees her then.

Rey.

She's standing by the bus stop with no umbrella.

She was standing by herself. There was no one else around her.

He froze for a bit.

Ben didn't expect to run into her. They spent a good time avoiding each other but now he was walking in her direction. And she sees him too.

They became silent.

They see each other in his class routinely but there was something different about being outside, away from a lecture room. He feels exposed, out of his comfort zone.

They had been running away from each other from so long and now they're a couple feet apart. The distance was getting smaller with each step he took. With every step, he felt like a stranger.

It felt like a scene from a movie.

Rey was soaked from head to toe. The sound of rain was the only sound of emotion.

Her cheeks were flushed and her hair was clinging on to her skin and clothes.

He checks his phone, checks for the time - it's eight at night. And she's standing by herself with no umbrella. Huh. That was odd. He had remembered her carrying an umbrella to class.

"What happened to your umbrella?" he asks in a low voice.

No one was here but Ben was cautious. He feels uncomfortable. He hadn't spoke to her in a month and that's the first thing he had said.

"It broke," she responded then, pursing her lips together. Her lips were chapped but the rain was wetting them.

Ben frowned and inhaled the cold air. "Here," he hands her his umbrella then.

Rey shook her head immediately. "No thank you -

"You're standing out in the rain. Take it before you catch a cold," he responded reasonably. His eyebrows were furrowing then while his eyes were focused on that frown of hers.

Rey bit her lip but took it then. She exhaled as she tried to shield the both of them. "Thank you...Professor."

They're alone. They're not used to being alone together.

"You're welcome," he said, keeping himself formal. "When is your bus coming?"

"In an hour," she bites her tongue then. Her lips twist again and Ben knew that she was regretting that she told him the truth. He could tell that she wanted to say 'soon' but she couldn't bring herself to lie. It just slipped. It had to, it was on the tip of her tongue.

She's so thin with him. Transparent.

He looks around then, peering for anyone coming in their direction. He turns to look at her and back to his surroundings and then at her once more. "If you want I can give you a ride home," he offers quietly. He doesn't know why he said it but he did. He should have offered to wait for her until her bus came but it didn't come to mind until now.

He notices a gleam in her eyes, hope. There's hope in them. She had been hoping for him to ask her, whether she subconsciously knew or not.

There's no way he could bring himself to offer the second option of waiting with her now. She looks pleased.

He hadn't seen her like this in a while.

There's no way he could turn back now.


With nights like these, he turns on the radio to background music - the kind you hear in a cafe on a day like this.

He takes no time with turning on the heat for her.

"I'm going to ruin your car," she says, her feet still planted from going in. She looks adamant. She's hesitating.

He shook his head. "It's okay. I don't mind. It's just a car. It's just a thing."

She shuffles her feet a bit before going in.

He hands her his jacket. She's reluctant for a moment but she takes it quickly. "Thank you," she says again.

"You're welcome."

"Do you always give rides to students?"

"No," he says calmly. "It's inappropriate but this is an exception. It's late and it's raining."

Rey nodded.

Besides, I know you more than the other students, he wanted to say. Ben doesn't though. He knows when to hold his tongue.


The whole car ride was quiet.

Dead silent.

Rey had never felt so out of place and awkward but she liked his presence.

She's sure that he knows everything about her breakup but she knows that he won't bring it up unless she does. This fact settled her nerves at least.

From time to time, she keeps looking at him - just for a bit. It was the perfect time, his eyes were glued to the road. His hair was curling from the rain and his glasses were all smudged up - Rey quite liked the look. It made him look a bit scruffy.

It was strange.

It was both nice and painful to look at him.

When she looked at him, her fingertips tingled - aching to touch his fingers and at the same time, her chest constricted.

Rey couldn't explain the feeling.

It was the same feeling that was there since she had first stepped into his classroom. It startles her because after all this time, it never left.


"Thank you," she repeats again. She's been saying it on repeat. It's the only thing she could say.

"You're welcome," he gives her a small smile.

Rey gave him a slight hint of a smile. She gathers her things and shuts his door.

His eyes lowered a bit from the sight. His heart was beating slightly. Ben was about to head home until he realized that she had left his umbrella in the car. He turned off his car then and snatches the umbrella.

"Rey!" he calls out before she could step into her apartment.

"Yes?" she called out.

He ran to her until he was standing in front of her, face to face. "Here," he says, holding his umbrella out for her.

She shook her head. "No - it's fine I can get another umbrella -

"Just take it," he rasped. "I have an extra one at home."

She stared at the umbrella but doesn't take it. Her eyes went up to him then in perplexity. He was standing at her doorstep. Standing in front of her. Face to face. "Do you have feelings for me?" she asks then.

He blinked then.

Rey had asked him this twice before and received the same answer but she wasn't satisfied. Deep down she knew that he was lying. It only took her long enough to realize it.

He doesn't respond.

She crossed her arms then. "Do you have feelings for me?" she asks again. "If you do you can come inside."

Ben's eyes flickered without his control. "Rey," he frowned. Blood was rushing to his face.

"I'm sorry I know we've been through this before -

"Here, just take this," he said purposely interrupting her. He holds out the umbrella closer to her. She froze for a bit but something in her told her to reach for it. She reaches for the umbrella but his grip is strong. Her eyes furrowed in frustration.

She clutched on to it and pulled but he wouldn't let go.

It was as if he didn't want her to take it.

He pulls her then, pulls her by the wrist and kisses her.


tbd