A/N: OOOOOOMG guys... longest chapter EVER! But I just couldn't help it, I couldn't stop it any earlier... cause that whole thing is one... and everything belongs to the song that belongs to this chapter... and so, everything belongs together... but nothing belongs to ME :P. Especially the parts from episode #212 ("The Serpent's Pass") that I've included here. Not my creation. Nope. Me owns nothing!
Gosh and again I kept you waiting for SO LONG, I knooooooow :-S... I really wish I could update quicker, but somehow it's just not happening *sigh*. This time, my boyfriend moved to a new place... closer to my place :o). And so there was a lot of organizing and then driving around, getting his furniture from A and C to B ;)... and... yeah, a lot of chaos and no freetime, generally speaking ;).
Oh and eventually I wanna say a real big THANK YOU to Magnusrae... for being the only one who's continuously reviewing my chapters and giving me the coolest feedback and suggestions EVER! What would this fic be without you my dear!? THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH, you're THE BEST! :o) :o) :o)
But alright then, here's chapter 9 for you. At least it's freakin' looooong... in retrun for the freakin' long WAIT :P.
-9-
SECOND CHANCES
Admittedly, Jet's plan - to break in the pantry and liberate the captain's food - was virtually perfect. Zuko couldn't deny it.
They had left Long Shot on the basement floor, on the opposite side of the pantry. They would need his help later on. He would be responsible to ensure their quick and safe escape. They had figured out an apt moment to sidle up the stairs. Right after the sentinel that guarded the pantry had passed the stairway and had turned his back to them, Jet, Zuko and Smellerbee had appeared from the darkness of the staircase and had entered the moonlit ferry-deck. Within a second, the two boys had flitted over to the pantry, pressing their backs against its wooden wall to hide in the shadows. Smellerbee also had taken her assigned position. The tomboy had hidden opposite the pantry - invisibly, but yet closely enough to stay within earshot for the boys - in order to warn them of the sentinels that passed by every few minutes.
Jet had thoroughly laid out the various steps of his plan as well as the exact sequence of said steps. Everyone was contributing determinedly. Although Zuko's body was entirely busy performing his given tasks, in the back of Zuko's mind he was... well... Stunned? Confused?! They were working as a team. Each of them indispensable to creating the big picture. And Zuko was part of it. Part of this bunch of PEASANTS! Great. Had he really sunk so low by now?! He was still the PRINCE OF THE FIRE NATION, wasn't he!? Okay, well... the banished prince of the Fire Nation. But that didn't matter right now, he thought, frowning deeply.
On the other hand, being an equal member of a team felt... startlingly fulfilling. Jet and his Freedom Fighters worked hand in hand, trusting each other blindly. Zuko couldn't deny that deep inside he was impressed. But on the outside he kept up his couldn't-care-less attitude. He had never been someone to act under orders, let alone someone to act under orders in a team. He was supposed to be the one who ISSUED the orders!
Anyway... under orders or not... he just didn't have the time to think about that stuff right now. He had to keep going. Thanks to his alter ego, well-known and dreaded as the Blue Spirit, secret liberating plans were nothing new for Zuko. He had developed and improved his ability to stay under the radar during various missions... missions, for instance, like secretly freeing the avatar. Compared to that, liberating some FOOD truly was a piece of cake for the prince! And he would leave no doubt about it.
Zuko's opportunity to demonstrate his abilities came just a second later. First, he helped Jet break into the pantry by destroying the doorknob and courageously entering the room first - Dao swords pulled out, ready to attack anyone waiting for them inside. But in line with Jet's plan, the pantry was abandoned. Zuko used his swords to snatch up the bowls of rice and vegetables arranged on the pantry table. Quick as lightning and almost without a sound, he stacked the bowls and stashed them away in one of the bags they had brought. He pretended to pay no attention to the commendatory glance Jet threw at him in return, although the older boy's skills were nothing short of Zuko's. In a sole smooth sweep Jet cut down the roasted ducks that were in a row above the table. Jet's loot disappeared into another bag.
Suddenly they heard Smellerbee's alarmed voice from outside - "Guards coming!" In the blink of an eye, the boys rushed out of the pantry. Now it was Long Shot's turn to give them a quick means of escape. From his hidden position on the basement floor vis-à-vis the pantry, he shot an arrow attached to a rope. He aimed for the wooden railing and safely hit the intended target. In an instant, two figures and two bags slid downwards, along the rope, reaching the basement's floor quickly.
The very moment Long Shot removed his arrow from the railing by jerking the rope, the guard passed by on the upper floor.
Downstairs, though, no one took notice of the three strange guys sneaking away, carrying some large bags on their bags.
-x-x-x-
"You're pretty skilled with your Daos. Wouldn't have expected that. Good job! And thanks for your help." Jet's voice was calm but full of approval when he approached the younger boy.
"Huh!? Welcome. Not a big deal," Zuko replied, sounding as unimpressed as ever. He didn't even turn around to face the man. There was no way he wanted to concede that, in fact, Jet's appreciative words hadn't left him unimpressed at all.
Regardless of Zuko's unapproachable attitude, the leader of the Freedom Fighters spoke on. "You know... as soon as I saw your scar, I knew exactly who you were."
WHAT THE...?! Jet's words made Zuko catch his breath. There's NO WAY he could have found out... right? Although he felt every muscle in his body tensing up, the prince managed not to show any signs of the unease that was creeping down his spine.
"You're an outcast. Like me," the older boy continued. Luckily, he didn't notice the sigh of relief that escaped Zuko's lips. "... And us outcasts have to stick together. We have to watch each other's backs... 'Cause no one else will." With that, Jet's voice almost cracked. From the corner of his eye, Zuko saw him wince. For a second, the prince fell silent, thinking about the older boy's words.
Still, Zuko didn't turn around when he finally replied, "I've realized lately that being on your own isn't always the best path." A frown spread across his face as he added, "Although, at times, it seems to be the only path." The prince took a deep breath, as if suddenly reminded of something. It took him some time to brace himself before he finally spoke on. "Jet... there's something I need to know."
The older boy arched his eyebrows up in surprise. "So? Go on then."
"Sureen. She told me you were her best friend back then. Alright. But... it doesn't make sense. Your appearance today scared the hell out of her. I've never seen her that petrified before. But then... when I came back... what I saw seemed just like the opposite of being petrified." Zuko glared over to the man who was the cause of all these inconsistencies. "Like... you were MORE than just best friends... I mean... Anyway, you know what I mean. So... don't you DARE hurt her, got that?!" His eyes flared furiously. When the prince received no reaction, he went on, his voice more calm this time. "What the hell do you want from her? Are you... are you in love with her?"
This time it was Jet who suddenly caught his breath. Still, he managed not to show the turmoil inside him... but looking exactly in the opposite direction to avert Zuko's gaze and clenching his fists was just a little too obvious.
"I... I don't know a thing about love," Jet finally ground out. "But Sureen is... She's like the loadstone of my life, if that makes sense. I can't tell you what I want... I just know that I definitely DON'T wanna hurt her. This war has already hurt us way too much. All of us, I mean. We all... got our scars, right? Those you can see... and those you can't." Eventually, he turned around and faced the younger boy, who returned Jet's look in reluctant agreement.
-x-x-x-
Sureen lay awake and stared into space. She just couldn't convince herself that, in fact, she was tired and that sleeping would be a good idea at this point... Especially as the ferry was supposed to arrive at the harbor of Ba Sing Se the next morning. Furthermore, she had had the best dinner that she had had in weeks just a few hours ago. Said dinner had only been possible thanks to "her boys." She couldn't deny that she had been incredibly proud, watching them with their bags brimming with food giving out their loot to every passenger on the ferry. So, apparently, Jet's plan had been successful. And what was more, it seemed as if Zuko had worked hand in hand with the Freedom Fighters to accomplish their mission. Yup, she truly had been incredibly proud, Sureen thought, smiling gently. And by now, she ought to be incredibly tired.
But yet, her mind was busy coming to terms with everything that had happened that day. Her thoughts were running circles around a sole subject: Jet. Their conversation... especially, well, its nonverbal part... had revealed so much. Far too much for her to grasp. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't switch off her train of thought. With a sigh, she got up, trying not to wake Zuko. Without a sound she left their makeshift sleeping berth and sneaked up the stairs to the ferry-deck. Maybe watching the gentle waves of Lake Laogai would set her mind at ease.
Upon taking a look around, Sureen noticed that she wasn't the only one who had got this idea tonight. An all-too-familiar figure leaned against the railing, his back turned towards her, his eyes wandering across the wideness of the lake. She approached Jet carefully, so as not to startle him, and placed herself next to him at the railing. Wordlessly she joined him in watching the waves.
"Can't sleep either?" she asked after a while. Jet sighed and shook his head in response.
Abruptly, but with a low voice, he blurted out, "Your grumpy friend... He hasn't told me his name yet, by the way... After we had successfully liberated the food from the captain's pantry, he asked me... 'cause what he saw today... he asked if I'm in love with you." Timidly, so as to avoid Sureen's gaze, Jet kept scanning the surface of the lake.
The girl's eyes widened and she felt her heartbeat speeding up. But Jet didn't speak on. Slowly, the silence turned from uncomfortable to awkward to, eventually, just unbearable... at least for Sureen. "Well... um... and what did you say?" she couldn't refrain from asking.
"I... I couldn't answer his question," Jet whispered hesitatingly. "'Cause in that moment I realized that I can hardly remember what it feels like to be loved... let alone to love someone. You know, thus far, my life has been largely governed by hatred. Hatred was the only real emotion I was able to feel all these years. It consumed me entirely. So I guess I could easily write a novel about the various shades of hatred or something... " His voice was drenched in bitterness, when he added, "But I can't answer a single question about love. It's like those memories come from a distant past that had once been my life... but it was just too long ago. Too long to remember anything, really."
Sureen sighed in agreement. "Yeah I know. I know what you mean." Although Jet's answer wasn't quite what she had secretly hoped for, she knew exactly what he was talking about. "Like... it's so hard to believe that all these memories really come from your own past... 'cause it feels like you had a completely different life back then. There's just no connection between these memories and the present. I know."
The girl fell silent again, poring over Jet's words. Eventually, she spoke on, her eyes flaring up determinedly. "But you know what?! The hell with it." She wouldn't leave Jet feeling so lost... and herself, either. "If I'm really cut off from my past and my future could be everything or nothing - 'cause this is war and so my whole life could turn upside down any second - if things are really like that... alright then. It means that all that's left and the only thing you can rely on is the present. This moment is all I got. It's the only thing I can change - so that's what I'm doing. Trying to get things done NOW. Hoping that... you know... 'Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, -"
"- it's not the end.' (*) Yeah. That's what they said. Right." Jet seemed to regain a little more control as he completed their people's old saying. "But it's just... you know, when it comes to issuing orders or planning missions for my Freedom Fighters... when the others expect me to be their leader and to tell them what to do... there's no question I can accomplish that. Without even thinking twice. But when it comes to my own issues... my abilities fail me. I wish I could just guide myself like I can guide others. But I can't. I fucking can't." Again, his voice was filled with bitterness.
Sureen took a deep breath. "But... but isn't it just what you're doing right now?! 'Guiding yourself,' I mean. You're going to Ba Sing Se to start a new life there. And to me, that sounds pretty much like a plan. Like a plan you made up for yourself. So... you're just about to get there, you're on your way to tell yourself what to do, kind of. Or at least you took a first step in that direction. And to me it seems like a really good first step." There was no doubt she believed in Jet's ability to get himself out of the mess he was stuck in. "So just keep going. And don't you dare give up," she added assertively.
Nonetheless, the girl had felt his confusion ever since she had entered the ferry-deck. She just couldn't pinpoint its source. Why was he so afflicted by doubts that night? OH NO... what if... oh no, please no...
"Do you... do you regret it?" she asked all of a sudden.
"Regret... what?" Jet replied bemusedly.
"The kiss," Sureen whispered, her voice hardly audible.
"You... I... WHAT?! Why... what the...!? NO! I mean... Alright, that wasn't exactly a well-considered idea, but I don't regret it."
Hearing that, the girl felt a load off her mind. Thank God! But still it seemed as if that was only a part of the truth... still there was something the boy hadn't told her yet.
"It's just that... whatever I started by kissing you... I can't possibly continue it. I'm afraid I can't move any further in that direction, you know," Jet added hesitantly.
Sureen could feel her heart constricting. Yet she reminded herself to stay calm. This was nothing she hadn't anticipated. Alright then. "I see. Because you can't remember how to... whatever... how to do that? Or are there... any other reasons?"
"Dunno." He shrugged.
He's lying. He DOES know.
"I just can't. 'Cause..." Jet let out a shaky breath. Sureen could literally feel him trying to fight the chaos on his mind and pull himself together. "... 'cause I couldn't come to terms with it. Probably. No idea. It's like... too much has happened. And I just can't ignore it. I wish I could... but I can't." From his tense posture and the way he clung to the railing, the girl could tell that revealing the truth about this demanded a lot from him.
"I feel you. It's alright. Don't worry," she hurried to jump in. Her gentle tone left no doubt that Jet didn't have to go into further detail on that point. There was no need to.
"Oh, c'mon. To hell with your mind reading shit," he complained halfheartedly. But the relief in his voice could not be missed.
"Well... oh, and just to let you know, there's nothing we need to 'continue'. I mean... I have no idea what Ba Sing Se looks like and what it will be like to live there. But maybe it's not that different from living in a village. Just bigger. And so... Hey, we'll be neighbors again, in a way! Like we used to be! Yeah, sure. We can't bring back the past, 'cause the past is gone, I know. But anyway, you're just my favorite neighbor ever! So how cool is THAT?!" Abruptly, a grin spread over Sureen's face. "And no matter how far away our past seems to be, I can still remember that back then, we always were perfectly good at just doing what felt right. And I can't imagine we unlearned that in the meantime. So... if we could do it back then, why shouldn't we go for it now. Only doing what feels right, I mean."
Jet didn't reply. But his slumped posture and doubtful gaze answered for him.
Sureen's confidence wasn't that easy to break though. "I'm sure we'll get there. We'll figure it out, never fear."
Still, Jet didn't say a thing. Instead, he let go of the railing and turned towards Sureen, his eyes averted. Then she felt his hand cautiously grasping her waist. Just where the hell did that girl get her confidence, he wondered. It seemed as if, no matter what, she could still just change back to that happy-go-lucky-person she had been when they were little. He couldn't keep a short smile from stealing over his face. Was that love? Was that what it felt like? It was gratitude. In any case.
He bent forward until his forehead touched Sureen's and simply leaned into her. Feeling his coy embrace, the girl intuitively placed her hand on Jet's upper arm. But just as her fingers made contact with Jet's skin, his whole body flinched from the unexpected touch. The girl could feel him tensing up with panic. Yet he fought the urge to back away. Someone being so close to him... not only physically, but mentally... It scared the hell out of him. Especially because they shared the same past and the girl knew him as well as no one else did... And this person so close to him, right now was almost more than he could take after all he had experienced. Every corner of his mind seemed to scream 'DANGER! GET AWAY!'... But he wouldn't listen. Not this time. Not when it was about HER. He wouldn't let these thoughts get the better of him. Sureen could feel him holding his breath as he forced his arm to stay put.
"Hey there, shhh... It's okay. It's me. Just me. I'm not gonna hurt you. It's alright. You're safe." Her quiet voice was ever so assuasive and gentle as she rambled on, softly babbling meaningless, comforting nonsense and carefully rubbing Jet's arm. Gradually, his trembling decreased and his panic seemed to ease a little. And finally, it just FELT right. And so they just stood there in silence. As the minutes passed by, the soft, rhythmic lapping of Lake Logai's waves was the only sound. And once again, the silence felt much more whole and united than any words could have.
-x-x-x-
Why... was everything so noisy and hectic around her? And what time was it? And how come Zuko was gone again? And why had he even gotten up without waking her? A lot of confusing questions crept into Sureen's sleep, eventually pulling her out of her weird dreams. Dazedly, she blinked and rubbed her eyes. When she sat up to take a look around and regain some orientation, she immediately became aware that Zuko was REALLY gone. And by "really" she meant that this time, even his luggage had disappeared! All around her, people were busy packing their stuff... everyone seemed to be in a hurry... and there was no hint of the Fire Prince! Upon scanning her surroundings, the girl noticed that the ferry had already docked in Ba Sing Se harbor! A lot of passengers had left the ferry and were queuing up at the city gates, waiting to get their permission documents to finally enter the great city of Ba Sing Se.
And Zuko was gone. He had left and she didn't have a clue why. She couldn't see him anywhere! He could be standing in any of the queues... or perhaps he had even passed the gates already and was on his way to the city center! What the...!? Why for heaven's sake did he leave?! What the hell was he thinking? How could he decide just like that to disappear without a warning... and WHY? Damnit, WHY?! What were his reasons? And how am I supposed to find him now in all that mess? Does he even WANT ME to find him? But if he left on purpose and doesn't want me to find him... then just someone tell me WHY! Sureen didn't get it. Not in the slightest bit.
But anyway... no matter what, she had to get off the ferry now. Like everyone around her, she hurried to pack her things.
Eventually, her feet touched solid ground again. But the girl didn't have the confidence to savor the sensation. Instead, she almost ran along the wall of Ba Sing Se, frantically scanning the city gates and the long queues in front of them, trying not to overlook a single person. Hopefully she would be able to make out Zuko before he entered the city! Time and again she checked the gates, running up and down along the wall, until she was out of breath. But wait, wasn't that... Man, hadn't thought his unignorable scar would ever be good for something... thank God, there he is! My goodness, I've found him, I'm so glad! There he was, standing in the queue to her left, just about to get his documents! Hell, I gotta stop him... I gotta talk to him before he's allowed to go into the city!
But that was easier thought than done. Getting through to the prince turned out to be impossible, as no one was willing to let her squeeze through. While she tried to do so, Sureen felt the scowls of everyone hitting her - how could someone seriously dare cut in line?!
"The end of the queue is BACK THERE," a voice hissed close behind her. Apparently, there was just no way to get somewhere close to Zuko's position. Damn... very well. Hopefully he can hear me from that far away...
"ZU-!" Hell, no! WHAT AM I DOING? The word got stuck in her throat. Yeah SURE. Yelling 'Zuko' all over the place. Great idea. He's gonna kill me. Great. "-oom off!" she managed to finish the sentence instead, turning around towards whoever had just mentioned that thing about the end of the queue. God, that was close. Pheeeeww! The person she was now facing was an elderly lady who flinched at the girl's unexpected words. Sheepishly, Sureen turned back around and stepped away from the queue. Gaaaaah... look at me, making one blunder after another! Today's just not my day, huh? She sighed. But anyway, Zuko would disappear behind the city gates in a few if she couldn't stop him RIGHT NOW! So... how... what...?
"HEY THERE! Didn't you FORGET something?! If you really think I'm NOT JUST A DROP, then WHY did you LEAVE LIKE THAT?!" she yelled in his direction as loud as she possibly could. She saw him flinch and twirl around. And although the prince looked pretty intimidating when he glared back at her, Sureen heaved a sigh of relief, since he DID glare back at her. Right at her. "Would you mind MOVING YOUR BUTT OUT OF THAT QUEUE and coming over? Cause UNFORTUNATELY I'm pretty sure everyone standing behind you is gonna KILL ME if I try to get over to YOU!" she continued. "So could you just... I mean... please. Don't just disappear like that. I don't even know WHY..." With these words, her voice fell lower and lower.
She saw him droop his head in response. Eventually, he dragged his feet out of the queue, shuffling a bit further along the city wall, then leaning against it, arms folded. Another sigh of relief escaped Sureen's lips. A second later, she stood right next to him, unsure of what to say. But before the silence began to get uncomfortable, she broke it.
"Zuko..." This time, she made sure she whispered his name. "Okay, look... the day I came back for you... the day we met in that abandoned village, one of the first things I told you was... I don't want to do this against your will and if you prefer going on all alone, you're free to do so. And I meant it and I still do. So... if you wanna leave, I won't stop you. I'm not asking you to stay or whatever... All I ask for is... tell me your reasons. Please don't leave without telling me WHY... 'cause I don't get it. What made you leave? What... what went wrong?"
"Oh, c'mon, isn't that obvious?!" the prince countered harshly, trying to look standoffish and dismissive. "Jet and you. Sure, he told me he doesn't know a thing about love... and neither do I... but nevertheless, I'm not blind or anything. Like... the way you look at each other. It's just unignorable. You can't tell me you aren't in love. So... great, congratulations. Go ahead then. I'm sure you'll have a great future in Ba Sing Se. You two TOGETHER, I mean. And so I take it that my presence is no longer appreciated here, to say the least. Hence, I'm not gonna stand in your way any longer. So I'm leaving." He took a deep breath. With every word, he tried so hard to sound unapproachable, but for Sureen there was no doubt he was just pretending. Why was he so frightened while talking to her? What was going on? What were his REAL reasons for leaving?
Eventually, Zuko continued. "One of the first things I told you that night... back in the village... was - for me, it has never been the right decision to trust others. 'Cause whenever I did, it ended painfully. And I should really have learned that lesson by now, shouldn't I?!" It seemed as if he was talking to himself and not to Sureen anymore. "But no. Apparently, I haven't. I made the same mistake again. But at least, today I decided to finally learn from my mistakes. And THAT'S WHY I'm leaving."
When he lifted his head to face her, Sureen suddenly felt like she was looking into the eyes of a little child that had just been abandoned by his mother in the dead of the night... into the eyes of a boy who had been abused and rejected by his own father... into the eyes of a banished prince who had recently lost the one and only person that had still been there for him. In those eyes she saw nothing but despair and loss. Zuko looked at her without seeing her. Instead, he saw... his past. And everything was just about to repeat once more. The girl's eyes went wide when the insight hit her. NOW she knew why, this time, HE was the one who was leaving HER... who needed to leave her. She swallowed hard and blinked to fight back the tears.
"Zuko, listen." Sureen reached out both hands to grab his shoulders. She knew he wouldn't like it... she braced herself for his flinch - it came just the moment she touched him - but she needed to get his attention right away. "Please. Hey! Look at me! Listen to me! Come on. Please! It's ME! I DO appreciate your presence and that's NOT gonna change and I'm NOT leaving... not for Jet or anyone! I came back for YOU that day and I came back FOR A REASON and I was serious about it and I STILL AM and I'm NOT changing my mind, no matter what! UNDERSTOOD?!"
Dazedly, he blinked a few times as her words began to sink in. A dark shadow seemed to slowly lift from his eyes. Then he nodded. Breathing a sigh of relief, the girl continued, "So... let me explain this, alright? I want you to understand MY reasons, too. And so... please... let me explain... oh..." Sheepishly, Sureen noticed that her hands were still clutching Zuko's shoulders, so she hurriedly took them off again.
"YOUR reasons, huh?! Well... go on then." His voice was way too hoarse and shaky to sound as standoffish as he wanted. But Sureen didn't care. She realized that, after all, he was still giving her a chance right now. To prove him wrong, to tell him that things were different this time. He was hurt and terrified and haunted by his past, but for all that he seriously tried to push back the memories and force himself to focus on Sureen instead. If he had EVER put his trust in her, it was at that very moment. She couldn't help the tears welling up in her eyes.
Sureen knew for sure that she would put her heart and soul into her response. She took some deep, steadying breaths and thought about her next words. By no means was she allowed to screw this up! Eventually, she lifted her head, eyes flashing determinedly. She was ready.
The fallen empires, the shattered glass
The wicked echoes of my past:
I've seen it all before
That's why I'm asking.
Will you still be here tomorrow
Or will you leave in the dead of the night?
So your waves don't crash around me
I'm staying one step ahead of the tide.
Will you leave me lost in my shadows
Or will you pull me into your light?
Teach me how to be loved
Can I give myself just one more second chance
And put my trust in love, please don't hurt me ...
[REBECCA FERGUSON - TEACH ME HOW TO BE LOVED]
Link to this song:
w w w . tape. t v / musikvideos/ Rebecca-Ferguson/ Teach-Me-How-To-Be-Loved
[Remove the blanks I've added here!]
-x-x-x-
A/N: Yeah I KNOW, another cliffhanger :P :P :P! But seriously, that was the earliest possibility to end this chapter... and it's really long enough already... so... yeah. I fear you need to wait a while for Sureen's reply :P.
And somehow, I'm not quite satisfied with this chapter. And I don't even know WHY, that's the most annoying thing! I know I kind of don't like that Jet-Sureen-part in the middle. But I've no idea what's wrong with it *sigh*. Well... but anyway... maybe YOU can tell me?! The review box and me are waiting for your comments ;)...
(*) In RL, this is a quotation by Oscar Wilde. Not by Sureen's and Jet's people :P. Just for the record. ;)
