CH 9

Saga asked her doctor to speed up the therapy: she had conquered some memories but was aware of what Henrik told her about the last missing pieces. She decided it was a risk, but trusting Henrik loved her with or without memories, she felt ready to uncover all that remained and to have an answer to another important question, if her work had been and could be healthy for her.
Not that she was so confident in finding out who she had been, some moments she thought it could be better to remain unaware. She was police - Henrik told her for twenty year or so - what else she could become? What if with her memories back she wanted another life? Would she be able to cope with such a big new chance? Her only certainty were Henrik and Astrid, who had suggested hypnosis; Saga explained her it was a legend it could help in such a situation.
She had to face her demons awake. After remembering Jennifer, she suspected the direction to take, especially after the revelation about her aborted baby and Henrik's fears for another one.
Logic dictated the themes would be family and identity.
The therapist explained she had reserved all the afternoon for Saga and suggested to start with a phase of relaxation.
"Your girl's idea of hypnosis has been discarded by medical practice, but the general concept of being calm and quiet works well with our purpose."
She quoted yoga – you could try it, or some other form of meditation - and made Saga lie on the couch with a blanket to keep her warm. She asked Saga to concentrate on each part of her body and to register the different sensations she felt; the hardest part was to make Saga relax her arms and shoulders.
"You and your sister are at home. Imagine a scene"
"We are in our bedroom. Jennifer wants to play. "
"Try to describe what happens."
"Jennifer is tired, she can play for a little while only, I want to make her feel better and she keep telling me she is unwell."
"She 's still a child, while you're older."
"Nine years. I like to be with her, she is my only friend. At school nobody want to socialize with me. So I stop trying."
"So Jennifer is not well."
"Every time my father is away for work she gets ill, I ask him to stay home more but he thinks I'm telling lies."
"If he leaves, who 's with you?" Saga's body tensed and the therapist made her relax again.
"We are alone."
"Saga, if she is unwell and you don't hurt her, who's there?"
"Nobody." Another attempt at opposition.
"You need to cross that bridge, I assure you nobody will harm you."
Saga resisted, her eyes closed; the therapist's voice become softer.
"Let it go, it will be pass soon, trust me. Open your eyes. Who?"
"My mother."
The dam broke and the flood washed over Saga in full force.
Years of abuse, the trial against her parents, her mother with hate in her eyes, the verbal fight at the morgue over the dead body of Jennifer, twenty years of separation and her mother back in her life, framing her for a late and desperate revenge.
And the sudden realization she was right, she has always been right, through the diaries she discovered her mother made Jennifer ill.
"I wanted to forget so many things."
"You spent twenty years suffocating your emotions and wanting to control things, in every small detail, refusing a close contact with your inner self or letting someone share your life. The prison was difficult for you, a strain you couldn't bear, inserted on your actual personality. That, added to the pregnancy, made you go off rails."
The session ended and - although after a mild tranquilizer given by the doctor - Saga's heart was beating so fast she called Henrik to collect her; in his car she breathed and leaned into the seat.
"You were right. I faced my mother, she is the main reason of my amnesia."
"You have to go through painful memories, how do you feel now?"
"Like someone punched me straight in my ribs, but it's better to know. Now we can speak about everything."
They talked until well into the night, Henrik had met Marie Luise Noren only twice, so he could not describe her a lot, but he focused his tale on the trial Saga was submitted to and the way she had framed her daughter.
"There is something else. When you were under arrest, you asked me to check your old mail box and later I opened a P.O. Box for you in Malmo. There was a heavy envelope from a legal firm. In prison you refused to open it, telling me to keep it. Do you want to read it now?"
Saga took the letter like it was poison. Henrik busied himself in the kitchen, preparing a nightcap with some biscuits, to respect her privacy. No sounds from the bedroom. He called tea was ready and Saga arrived, eyed the biscuits and ate three in a row.
Good sign, Henrik thought.
"It's a copy of my father's will. I own a house and two rented apartments. My father bought them when he stopped working, the rents are on a bank account. The house is where they lived with Jennifer and maybe also later on. I was already independent."
She showed Henrik the documents; the rents - added to her own personal wealth - meant she could live for a few years without having to work. Or she could by a car more expensive than she planned.
On a map, the house was 25 km outside Malmo, in a small village
Henrik suggested to contact the lawyers and ask an update of the situation.

The meeting with the law firm was short, Saga returned to Henrik's car with the house keys.
"The bank account will be changed to my name tomorrow. We can go see the house if you want."
Astrid nodded from the back seats and Henrik simply asked the address.
The countryside was in full summer bloom and the road followed the sea for a short tract.
Astrid was looking at the beaches, pointing out the difference with the Camargue they visited.
"There are various kind of beaches", Saga started explaining," in the Mediterranean are mainly sandy, with some made of little stones, with low tide effect. The oceanic beaches have the full effect of the tides and their width vary a lot during the day."
Henrik made a mental note of an August holiday somewhere along an oceanic coast.
The village was small for their town standard, the house was at the end of a private road, with a garden and orchard. The grass was high, uncut, the flowerbeds had to be cleared, some trees with branches loaded with of fruits needed supports; the sea was close, in the distance a golf course.
"The property value increases with the golf."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm not a real estate agent, but I bet the place could be sold at a high price, it depends on the inside. Or if you want to sell it. It's more modern than I imagined."
Saga turned the key in the lock.
It was dark and dusty, until Henrik opened a window and the afternoon light entered in full force. Saga scanned the place, there was a long corridor and doors on both sides; she closed her eyes and concentrated, she visited Jennifer there twice only
First door right, her father's office, second door a bathroom and laundry, third door the stairs. On the other side, sitting room and kitchen.
She opened the doors in sequence and find out the office had been converted into a bedroom. The furniture were different than the one she remembered, but they were scarce, like somebody had sold various items. The sitting room had only a table and two chairs, the cupboards in the kitchen were empty. Astrid suggested they could have lived elsewhere during the years Saga was estranged from the place; the layer of dust in the kitchen was impressive.
Upstairs, Saga went into Jennifer room.
Henrik and Astrid stood at the top of the stairs, until Saga went out with puffy eyes and some photos in her hand.

The full exploration of the house revealed two other empty rooms on the second floor, from one the sea was visible.
"It's not like Freddie Holst's house but it's a good view."
"Was it the modern squared building?"
"All white, full sea view."
"He was very rich, wasn't he? With a wife and a kid we saved?"
Henrik smiled, happy she was remembering the cases.
Astrid liked the house a lot and wanted to explore outside; plants were full with fruits and before leaving they filled a chest with cherries and raspberries. A shame to waste healthy natural products, Henrik declared, planning to return soon better equipped to make preserves. Prunes were still too green and apples would be ready in August.
Saga found a ladder in the storage room and Henrik climbed up the trees.
"I've never been immersed in nature since at my grandparents twenty years ago."
"Be careful, cherry trees are weak woods."
Saga stood by the stairs, keeping it still against the trunk.
Henrik wanted to go further up to reach a group of ripe red fruits, but he lost balance for a second and his left food slipped
"Dad!" Astrid closed her eyes, fearing a fall.
"I'm ok! Saga, give me that perch close to the water barrel. Yes, the one Y shaped at the end."
He used it to grab the branch and pull it down, until he tore out the cherries and let them fall on the ground where Astrid was collecting then.

Back home Saga spent the evening examining the photos of the house, absently picking up cherries from the bowl.
"It would be good to live there, more space, a garden, three bedrooms upstairs and the big roof that can put in use."
"But we don't need so much space." Henrik was doubtful, more about Saga's acceptance of the house than about living there.
"We could. And Astrid will soon have friends visiting."
"Do you imagine a stranger in your house, touching your things, not upsetting you?"
"If I have a space reserved for me, why not? A room I can keep locked. You can rent this house, so whatever happens you'll still own it."
"But you mother lived there."
"I didn't and I have few memories of that place. We can decide later, or stay there for a while in the summer and see how it feels. I'm not in a position to return at work and if I'd decide to, it will be in a different way than before."

Tobias called Saga to propose a selection of car he found in dealers of the Malmo area for the incoming Saturday morning.
Astrid was excited and Henrik curious, the new budget made Tobias change his target.
Lined up there were a Porsche Carrera, an Audi TT, a Bmw X5 , a Jaguar S-type and a Volvo X60. Tobias explained models and prices, the Volvo was a real bargain because the owner - a faithful customer of Tobias – bought it and less than a year later was transferred to Amsterdam with a better work position – so he asked Tobias to find a buyer.
It had the small of a new car, no signs on the carrozzeria, a baby seat behind the driver.
"I know you want a sportive, but you're three, I know what family means in terms of car space."
Saga asked to try the Carrera with Tobias, who made a bet with Henrik: that would be the choice – after a Porsche she could not accept less – but when Saga returned she handed Tobias the key.
"We need a car with more than two seats. I want to try the Volvo. The boot is huge and the safe systems are excellent for a family."
She turned to Henrik and Astrid.
"What do you think?"
"It's your car, your choice." Astrid agreed with her father.
"Now we don't need a Porsche. When Astrid will have her licence, we could buy her a little sportive car."
Back from the try, Tobias took the baby seat from the boot and headed for the inside.
Saga followed and told him she was going to buy the Volvo with all the accessories, including that.
Henrik took Saga apart.
"It's similar to mine, you don't have to sacrifice your desires for me and Astrid.
"I'm not sacrificing anything, my Porsche was beautiful and served me well for a long time. This is the kind of car that better suits our actual needs."

Saga's plans to renovate the house become projects when she hired an architect.
She had precise ideas and the architect modified the 3d file following her requests; Henrik let Saga take her time – she was the owner, after all – until an evening she showed him the project.
The presentation started with a rendering of the exterior, the garden, the driveway, garages and the main door.
On the front, larger windows, to let the light flow free, no separation on the ground floor between living and kitchen, Henrik could cook and interact with family at the same time. A guest room in front of the kitchen and the stairs leading up to the first floor, with a wardrobe, three bedrooms and two bathrooms; the attic would become Saga's private space and library.
"Do we need two guest rooms?"
"There's only one on the ground floor."
"So it is a study for Astrid? A drawing room?"
"A bedroom for our child?"
Henrik sharp intake of breath. He had carefully avoid the topic after Saga remembered her mother; Saga didn't speak about her idea again, he thought she had removed it and decided to let the issue drop.
His mouth went dry, he wanted, hoped, feared at the same time; she was perfectly calm, looking at him with full round eyes.
"If you still want it and Astrid is not disappointed, we can try."
"I've talked with Astrid, she's positive."
"Good, so we'll use the empty space."

EPILOGUE

A few years later

"At what time?"
"Around ten. We can have a late breakfast like every Saturday."
"Does she suspect anything?"
"I don't think so. I've been generic about the whole business."
"Good."
"Hans was curious when I signed the papers at the dealer."
"A three and a half year old can't relate the place with the surprise."
"A normal one no, ours can. Remember you started his cars collection, he already knows every model and his dream is to drive a Porsche one day."
Saga stared at the ceiling then back at Henrik.
"You're right. I'll go get him."
Saga soon retuned, in her arms a sleepy little boy in a night robe with teddy bears.
The child's face changed when he saw his father and he crawled on the bed to get close to him.
Hans' brain appeared to be sharp like hers, but Saga thanked every God up above that her son was open and tactile like Henrik.
"Today is a big day for Astrid."
"I know, dad. Mini."
"Yes, Hans, her new Mini will arrive in an hour and we want a big surprise for her, don't we?"
His son nodded.
"So I'm going to prepare breakfast while Mom bathe you and we won't talk about it with Astrid, ok?"
"Ok, dad."
Henrik heard with delight the sound of splashing water coming from the bathroom downstairs while dressing the table; Hans loved water a lot and the morning bath was one of his favourite moment. During weekends they could linger more in domestic peace, when daily routine - his work at the academy, Saga's free lance role as a criminal profiler for both Danish and Swedish police, Astrid's first university year – was discarded.
Astrid entered the kitchen with a book, her first exam was in two weeks, followed by Saga and Hans.
Astrid noticed the fresh baked croissants, their new very special weekend breakfast treat, American pancakes long forgotten; she questioned her father.
"It is for you, a sequel to your birthday."
"It was two weeks ago."
"Can I spoil my baby girl, can't I?"
She went closer and kissed her father on the cheek; she knew well how much he wanted to be forgiven for the lost years.
"Your baby girl likes it a lot."
"So sit down and eat."
He poured milk over Hans' cereals and passed Saga her scrambled eggs, while he stood, drinking a cup of coffee and casting frequent glances at the front window.
Astrid saw him put his half eaten croissant on the dish and run to the front door; she asked what was happening and Saga told her a delivery was due in the morning.
Henrik called everybody and Saga prompted Astrid to do as requested; they reached the front door and a shining green new Mini Cooper was outside on the driveway, with red ribbons on the rear view mirrors.
"Happy birthday Astrid, we promised you a car with your driving licence."
Astrid throw herself in her father's arms first, then went to Saga, hugging also Hans.
"Thanks! I didn't imagine one really really new."
"We'd never go for a second hand car." Henrik looked at Saga, for their girl only the best.
"New, safe, solid and fast, perfect for a young independent woman."
"Can we try it?"
Henrik passed her the key.
"Sure we can, there's the baby seat for Hans in the boot, we'll try it together."

THANKS FOR FOLLOWING