CHAPTER TEN: DEPRIVATION
After my cowardly desertion I traveled from city to city, not knowing what exactly I was looking for, but knowing that I was not finding it. I suppose I was searching for peace to my eternally struggling heart. I committed treason against my heart and soul, and now this was the consequence. The endless struggle. By medical definition, I was not depressed I told myself. I was active; I "ate" well, and continued an average, healthy, vampire routine. Though it was ignorant to say I was happy. I would unconsciously search the streets I roamed for some sign of her, not realizing I was searching until I found it. She was in the scent of the roses, caramel was a faded ode to her eyes, and every time I saw these things, my heart would sting. I generally, sought small, rural towns to settle in, rather than the nig towns where, I might run into more reminders of her, and possibly strike up another human attachment. I felt so out of my world. I wasn't used to the surging emotions that took over me whenever I thought of her. For centuries I had had a rational, straight-forward and focused way of thought, but one woman had taken it all away, and my mind was so clouded and disorientated that it felt like my body had been taken over by a different mind. All I could do was keep my outward composure, and move on. Lessons learned memories stored. Vampire love equals danger. Vampire contact was apparently inevitable though.
I was hunting in a small town in Illinois, when the tree in front of me suddenly, uprooted itself and flew at me. Alarmed as I was, the tree was easily dodged, and I was instantly looking warily for the source.
"Ooops" Said a boyish voice from above. I looked up to see Benjamin, one of the vampires I had met while traveling in Egypt grinning down at me with huge dimples.
"Greetings to you Benjamin" I said with a smile. Benjamin grinned more and jumped neatly down. "Do you usually go uprooting tress with your mind for fun?" I asked, teasing him about his phenomenal power.
"No sir, of course not, that was just to irritate you" he said laughing his carefree laugh. The last time I had seen Benjamin was more than a century ago, so I was surprised by the playfulness of our conversation. Yet, I was glad this atmosphere was there. Benjamin's trademark chipper disposition was exactly what I needed right now
"Carlisle my friend, it has been to long" Benjamin said, his smile lingering.
"How long is too long when you can live forever?" I couldn't help but make a reference to the time spent away from Esme.
"About a century and a half" he said with a shrug. "Still hunting so strangely?" he said with a fascinated yet disgusted smile.
"Of course" I said. "Is Amun nearby?" I asked. Benjamin was in Amun's coven and I had rarely seen Amun leave Benjamin's side. Amun was protective of Benjamin's power, wanting to keep it a secret from Aro's gaze.
"He cannot be far away" Benjamin said with a grimace. As if summoned, Amun entered through the trees.
"Carlisle?"
"Good guessing Amun" I said. Amun just nodded.
"Greetings friend" he said formally
"Greetings to you also" I replied equally as formal. The contrast between Benjamin and Amun was obvious, hence Benjamin's disapproval of Amun and vice versa. "What brings you to North America?" I asked, knowing that Amun usually stayed in the low key areas of Egypt to avoid the typical nomad vampire life.
"Benjamin felt the urge to explore" Amun said in a tight voice.
"I would invite you to my house but..."
"We would love to Carlisle!" Benjamin said at the same time Amun said
"You keep a permanent residence?!"
"Yes my lifestyle allows for a few small luxuries. Certainly, you are welcome to stay but I must ask you to refrain from err… hunting in the area of course." I said.
Benjamin was fully in agreement with staying, and Amun reluctantly accompanied him. Despite their differences, Amun had always seemed like a "father" to Benjamin, whom he had created when he saw the power in Benjamin as a human. I secretly held a small amount of disgust for Amun, because I could not fathom why, for any reason, he could subject Benjamin to this life, with no choice.
When we arrived at the house I currently kept, which was a small white farmhouse that lay somewhat abandoned on the outskirts of town. I had decorated the entryway with the same plants that had decorated Esme's. Benjamin was impressed with my diligence at my style of eating, and even attempted it one night, but he was disgusted and did not even so much as take a drop from the deer. They intended to stay at my house for around a fortnight, so one night Benjamin admitted that he needed to hunt "properly" and left to the next state. Amun, oddly, stayed behind.
"He is so wild and young" Amun had said the night he left.
"You might at least allow him that" I said with a small amount of bitterness that had not been intended seeping into my voice. Amun had heard it.
"I understand your bitterness Carlisle, but do not judge me so harshly. You yourself have said that you felt an urge for a family in this life" he said. I was surprised by his defense. I had never suspected Amun had acted out of loneliness. He seemed happy in his solitude.
"True" I said quietly. I had never considered making a companion; it was horridly appealing to me in this time of loneliness after Esme.
"How did you….change him?" I asked
Amun laughed "I bit him"
That was all it took for me to understand. I recalled perfectly the memory of my own transformation and I knew subjecting someone to that, and the following life afterwards was monstrous. It was so strange, how in all my years of study, never had I thought to ask what had happened to me. Never had anyone thought to tell me. But now I knew. I understood what happened to me. It wasn't a freak chance. It was the science of mythology. I nodded in reply. Amun went on.
"He is like a son to me. I know he thinks I use him solely for his talent, but in truth I am glad he is part of my coven. He is a wonderful companion"
I understood completely. I again envied Amun his on, as I envied Eleazar his mate, It seemed I was the lonely one now.
After Benjamin and Amun left I stayed in the area for around five years, until I again grew restless. I ran back to the old city, Columbus, Ohio. Mine and Esme's city. I had admitted to myself that by strange fate I was in love with her, and I needed to see her face again, and know how she was doing. When I arrived at the small house, there was an elderly man sitting in the same armchair I had sat in once upon a time. After listening to a small amount of the conversation, and watching the respectful and devoted twinkle in Esme's caramel eyes, I gathered this was her father.
"I think it best you marry Mr. Platt" her father was saying "think of all the pretty dresses and fine accommodations you shall have. A most advantageous marriage" he said
"I do not want pretty dresses" Esme said flatly.
"Then think of your remaining family…after Elena's death what else are you going to do here?" her father said in a harsher tone.
Esme turned to the window and I sank below the window sill, peeping over like a criminal. I saw a small singer tear fall from her right eye, and create a watery outline on her soft cheekbones.
"Yes" she said quietly, only just audible to human ears. Then she wiped the tear, smiled her smile, and turned back to her father.
"Yes" she repeated louder "You are right. Mr. Platt is a…well-respected man, and surely we will be…" she trailed off, and I wondered why she hadn't finished the sentence that would so obviously end in "happy". She was usually so articulate.
"So you will accept his proposal?" her father said.
"If it is your will father" she sounded like a slave.
"Wonderful! You should inform Mr. Platt of your decision immediately." Her father rejoiced. Esme nodded, and asked to be excused. Funny how when she had said "yes" the first time, it had felt like she was accepting me as a husband. My thoughts were such a slur that I could barely describe the emotion I was feeling. It was only proper she married. No wonder someone had noticed her graces. I just ran and ran, attempting to clear my thoughts.
Esme is not mine. Esme can be married. Esme Evenson is not mine. Esme can be married. BE REASONABLE CARLISLE!
On and on I just ran my thoughts trying to convince me that this was right. Which it was. Once I had somewhat got a hold of my sanity again, I checked my surroundings and whereabouts. I was standing on a hill overlooking a city. My life was to be lived in Chicagoin the year 1918
(For you twilighters out there who have dates memorized as I do, you know what that means for the next chapter)
