A/N Let me start by saying thank you for supporting this story and for all of your kind words, it means so much! This chapter is heavy in ways I am not sure how to put into words. It's been my headspace this week and it's come out here in my writing. I hope you enjoy!
He watches her eat, balancing his plate on his knees trying his best not to spill it everywhere. He sits there, like an idiot and just watches her eat. She's smiling and once or twice she's glanced in his direction and he's tried to pretend he's involved in the conversation, paying attention to whatever bullshit Merle's going on about.
But he isn't. He's watching her and wishing Carol had never walked into the kitchen and he's wondering what it'll be like to kiss Beth.
Because he is gonna kiss her. There's so much he isn't sure of. But he's sure of this. She makes him kind of nervous and she's young and that's just a fact. It's unimportant as long as he lets it be.
"Uncle Daryl, hello?" Sophia's standing in front of him hands on her hips again and giving him a look, not unlike the ones he's seen her mama give her.
"Whada ya want?"
"I asked if I could take your plate, we wanna do the cupcakes now!" He shoves his plate in her direction and she giggles and grabs it and runs off to the kitchen.
"Look Beth we decorated them! Mine are the crazy ones with all the sprinkles. DJ, he drew the best pictures, see… Sophia, she wrote your name and Uncle Daryl made this, uh, this mustache." Beau explains.
"Ain't a mustache!" Daryl says leaning over Beau's shoulder. Beth picks up the cupcake he decorated and peers down at it.
"It's nice, um, what is it?" The way she's looking up at him, with her big blue eyes it's all he can do not to get up and run. Grab her hand and run-off where they're alone again and he can kiss her like he wanted to. Like he wants to.
"Well, 's a bird. Can' ya tell?"
"Oh wait! I see it has wings." There's a twinkle in her eye and this whole thing about birds and wings, it's kinda their thing now. And he likes that they have a thing, he likes it a lot.
Beau looks up from where he's trying to sneak a finger full of frosting,
"Y'all know birds got wings right? Y'all's jus' kiddin' around right?
Cupcakes and candles. Beth hadn't been at all offended that there were only 12 candles and not 21. They sang, loudly and off-key. Her blue eyes lit up in the candlelight as she sat on her knees and leaned over the table to blow them out.
The kids bicker over which cupcake they're going to eat and Daryl notices that Beth has his, the bird.
She takes a bite and holds it out for him. He must have been staring at her. And she caught him.
"Nah, I'm good." His stomach is doing all manner of things and that sweet frosting isn't going to help. But.
"But it's my birthday Daryl. And it's a bird." That fucking smile.
" 'S got wings!" Beau says and there's white frosting on his nose and with his missing tooth, he looks ridiculous. Daryl can't say no.
There's laughter. The kind that makes things lighter. The kind that lifts hearts and eases the loads that people carry unnecessarily.
But it doesn't take a genius to see that underneath her smiles there's still that sadness. And it's tearing him up that he can't figure out why.
xxxxXxxxx
After eating they all end up in the backyard looking at the slip n' slide. The kids are figuring out where they'll put it in the morning when Merle calls it a night. It isn't really all that late, the suns just setting but Daryl can see that Merle's tired. The surgery's taken a lot out of his brother. He never even asked Daryl anymore about Beth, didn't say a single thing about it.
"I'm goin' ta bed in my own bed. Feelin' kinda rough." Beth moves to hug him gently and he wishes her a happy birthday and gives Daryl a small nod. He heads in the house followed by the kids who need just a few more minutes with their daddy.
Daryl has had these little moments all afternoon watching Merle with the kids. And he feels so much pride in who Merle has become. It's an odd feeling that he understands but doesn't feel comfortable with at the same time. He guesses he's learning just like Beth said.
Merle's is a damn good father, he's everything their daddy wasn't.
Carol's hugging Beth and he hears her thanking Carol for everything. Everything that wasn't all that much but still Beth is thanking her.
"I'm gonna go put my family to bed. Where are you sleeping?" Carol asks him. She's asking but he figures she already noticed he's been moving things from the house to his apartment.
"I uh, I got stuff set up so I'm gonna try out my place." He doesn't have to feel guilty about this. He's not running away. Carol's smile confirms what he was thinking.
"Okay, good night you two." Waving she disappears into the house and Beth and Daryl are alone.
Something's caught her eye and she walks away from him out towards where the trees start to get denser. There are swings out there. He follows her hands in his pockets, hoping for a breeze.
"I think this has been here forever." She settles on a swing, her feet touching the ground. "When I was little a family lived here. We used to come over sometimes but the kids were older than us so it was only a few times. I always came out here."
The swings are old. The metal bars are weathered and Daryl remembers stuff like this on the playground at school. He isn't sure what to say. Maybe saying nothing is okay. She isn't really swinging, just kind of moving herself back and forth with her feet.
"This was nice. Tonight,' she says softly.
"Yeah? Then why ya seem so sad?"
"Do I?" The swing isn't moving anymore. "I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I saw my nieces today."
"Ya got nieces?" This is something he didn't know. There's a lot he doesn't know. About her. And it seems the same goes for her, she doesn't know much about him. But he has a feeling she's just as perceptive as he is.
"Oh, I, I guess you didn't know that. I don't see them much."
"Well, then seein' em was a good thing."
"Well I saw them but they didn't see me. My brother's wife, she doesn't spend much time at the farm or around us so.." she seems uncomfortable and he doesn't want her to be. He doesn't say anything, it's not his place to comment on something he knows absolutely nothing about.
But he can be upset that it makes her sad. Even if he really has no cause to be. Except that he does because she's his friend. And he cares.
He cares a lot and that's incredibly frightening.
"That's tough huh?" Is all he offers. Because for now, it's all he has.
"Yeah." She too has little to say he supposes.
Maybe he should give her an out now- let her go home. Even though he'd stand here all night just to exist in her presence watching the fading light, the way it makes subtle changes in her, in the sky, in the trees, in everything around them as the sun finally turns twilight to night.
xxxxXxxxx
Sighing, Beth stands up. It's getting dark and this whole evening has been so heavy. It's been about her, too much about her, but it's sweet that they did this. The kids and the cupcakes. The smiles and Merle being home. It's all good. But it's too much. They aren't hers and she's holding on too tight.
She's holding on too tight and she cares too much.
She doesn't get to have this. Her family isn't here. They didn't plan a party and yes that's mainly on her, just like her daddy said. But that's how they work right now. That's how they function, how they get by. They've been doing years of getting by and it works. But her daddy told her happy birthday.
Being here makes her hope and that scares her. And maybe that's where her sadness is coming from. The sadness that Daryl saw.
And Daryl, he's unexpected. No matter what she might believe she's undeserving of, he's pushed his way past that because she hasn't yet let herself imagine that this, them, isn't going somewhere. That she doesn't want it to go somewhere.
He's making her feel things, so many things. What would she have if she let that go?
It's hard and it's scary to feel so much for the first time in so long. It's wearisome, even the things that take her breath away, like the weight of his gaze when it rests on her. And the fact that universe conspired to put them both here together in this particular moment.
Stars are strewn across the violet night sky and fireflies are winking in the shadows of the trees. There's an ache inside of her that hurts and feels absolutely amazing at the same time. It's being here with him.
She could go home and leave the weight of it behind for now, but why? Why should she walk away now when he's watching her and she can see the way his hair is pressed against his cheek with the humidity that night has yet to chase away. His hands are hanging at his sides, fingers moving, brushing against his jeans and if she were to reach out and slip her hand in his she knows without a doubt he'd hold on.
She's terrified but if she smiles, oh if she smiles…
He'll smile back.. a small crooked smile.
xxxxXxxx
Daryl's made up his mind and before he can even think about what he's going to say he's saying it.
"Wanna come up? See my place?" He should have thought about it a little because it sounds kind of like something else. Not just an innocent question. But it is innocent. It's just what he said. He wants her to see his apartment and he wants to see it through her eyes.
She's smiling though and that's encouraging.
"Yeah, I'd like that Daryl." He's blaming the sweat he feels rolling down his back on the lingering heat and not his nerves and he's trying to remember if he filled up the ice trays in his freezer so he can offer her some ice water.
"Alright." Heading away from the swings and the trees to where the shop sits back behind the house he glances over, makes sure to pace himself so she can keep up. And she is, she's right beside him. Close enough that he could reach out and take her hand. But they aren't there yet. At least he doesn't think so. He's been wrong about a lot. As much as he'd like to hold her hand. He won't. Not yet.
"It's up here," he waits to let her go in front of him and cringes because obviously, she knows the apartment is over the shop.
The staircase is one he and Merle found. A reclaimed iron staircase from an old warehouse. Her hand on the railing as she climbs the steps is small and pale and he's already seeing things in a whole different light with her here.
Once they get to the top he reaches around her and opens the door but before he does he leans in enough that he's brushing up against her and it's hot outside and humid but she shivers and he feels it and it's like a jolt to his core, it's like the feeling you get when you hear a song that just reaches inside you and makes you tingle all over.
This girl has got him.
Stepping inside and closing the door behind them he watches as she looks around. The space has an industrial feel to it. He wanted clean lines and at the time he wanted to try out some construction techniques he was interested in. He still likes it. Aged hardwood floors, concrete countertops, stainless steel appliances. There are a table and chairs and a futon. But other than that it's just kind of empty right now.
But with her here it doesn't feel so empty.
"Oh, wow…" What does that mean? Does she hate it? His anxiety is skyrocketing. Shoving his hands in his pockets he looks over at her.
"Ain't much but-"
"No, it's not that. I just, I guess I expected something different. But I don't really know what. I don't know you, I mean-" He knows what she means. It's like earlier when she talked about her nieces that he didn't even know she had. They don't know each other.
That's kind of exciting. And kind of scary. That they have to get to know one another.
"What'd ya expect?" he's not sure he wants to know but he asks anyway.
"Well, I guess just white walls and brown carpet?" Nervous laughter accompanies the question.
"That wha' you think a me?" he's teasing but she's blushing and she's shaking her head.
"No, Daryl.. it wasn't meant to be-" Well fuck he doesn't want her feeling bad.
" 'M just teasin' ya." She smiles and it's brilliant, like the sun and she probably doesn't have any idea.
"Oh.. I like it. You just need to fill it up with you. Like your stuff, you know?" She's made her way to the little nook that serves as his bedroom. "This, I can see you here." He comes up behind her and sees what she sees. His crossbow is hanging on the hook he put there before. And his vest is laying on the bed. It's a big bed with a dark blue comforter and big pillows. He wanted a bed so he bought one. And she's looking at it. His bed.
He only feels a little guilty for imagining her in it. Her blonde hair spread out on the blue cloth in stark contrast with the comforter. The sheets underneath it are a soft gray. He remembers because he picked them out. There's a bedside table and on it is a framed picture. Beth sees it and picks it up sitting down on the bed.
It's Daryl and all three kids. Beau and DJ are sitting in his lap and Sophia is beside him, her head laying against his arm. Beth runs a finger over the glass.
"The boys are just babies!" And then a little softer she asks, "Daryl, why do you look so upset?" He doesn't have to look at the picture to know. He hates that picture and he never knew why Carol took it or even why she framed it. It was taken right after DJ's accident. His face is bandaged and he doesn't look much happier than Daryl. After the surgery he wanted nothing to do with anyone but his mama and Carol had insisted they take this picture even though DJ had whined and fussed at being sat on his uncle's lap. It was probably the first time he held the little boy after everything had happened.
"Don't like havin' my picture taken." He can't tell her the real reason. That he didn't want to touch DJ, that looking at him hurt too much. He'd sound like a complete dick if he confessed that. Sitting beside her he takes the picture.
"I left right around the time this was taken." He had. Right before DJ was scheduled to have a second surgery. There was no way Daryl could stay and live through that. As far as he was concerned his nephew shouldn't even have had to endure all that. If he'd just been paying attention.
"Why'd you leave?" It's an innocent question but another one he can't answer. At least not yet. He figures eventually he's going to have to tell her something. Especially if she's going to be part of his life. And he wants her too, more than he thinks he's ever wanted anything.
"Jus' thought I needed to get off on my own." The way he says it, even he can hear the finality in his voice. He doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't ask anything else but what she does say floors him.
"I'm glad you came back." It's quiet and she isn't even looking at him. Not the real him anyway. She's focused on the picture again.
"Me too." And he is. It isn't easy, and it probably won't ever be. But he's thinking it's worth it. Being back here with these people who make up his family and who are the most important people in the world to him, it's worth it.
And then there's her. Now she is looking at him. Like she was in the kitchen, her blue eyes full of something he can't name and Daryl thinks it's now or never. But they're sitting on his bed. Is that weird? Can he kiss her on his bed?
He's hesitated too long and now she's looking down at her hands in her lap. She probably thinks he doesn't even want to kiss her.
Fuck.
"You want a glass of water, ice water, or something?" Pushing himself up off the bed he sets the picture frame back on the table. And heads to the kitchen hoping there's ice.
xxxxXxxxx
Maybe she's got this all wrong. Maybe he didn't want to kiss her. Maybe she's making him uncomfortable. Following him into the kitchen she waits while he fumbles with an ice tray that falls into the sink spilling out the ice cubes. Blowing out a breath of obvious frustration he pulls out another tray and it's empty. It was never filled up.
"Daryl, it's okay. I don't need ice." She reaches out and lays a hand on his forearm which stills him. He looks at her hand and then raises his eyes to hers.
"Beth…" And then it's like whatever started between them in Carol's kitchen earlier breaks wide open. He cups her cheek and leans in and she's pushing herself up on her toes to meet him halfway. His lips brush against hers softly, hesitantly, like he knows what he wants but he's unsure. And he's waiting. For her.
Sliding a hand up around his neck she pulls him down giving him permission if that's what he needs. And he cups her other cheek, tilts her head the tiniest bit and then he's kissing her like his life depends on it.
His lips are soft like she knew they would be. And they open against hers. Running the tip of her tongue along his bottom lip she delights in the small moan this elicits. It rumbles in his chest against her and every nerve in her body that started spinning the minute he first kissed her reacts. He tastes like something wild, like the forest and the trees, like something that might run if spooked. There's a hint of nicotine and spaghetti and if she wasn't so busy kissing him she'd laugh at the absurdity of picking out the individual flavors that are Daryl.
Winding her other arm around his neck, she sighs into his mouth as he lets one hand fall to her hip bringing them closer together, curling around her lower back. She's never been kissed like this before, never been held like this... And she's never felt like this. Like it wasn't right until it was him.
If she keeps on with her theory of the universe then she was waiting for him too.
"Daryl…." Pushing back just a little bit, making a space between them so she can breathe she leans into him not wanting the physical contact to end with the kiss. In fact, if he could just not let go… Safe, settled, but oh so alive. That's how it feels here.
And that ache that she thought was gone forever. It's there burning a soft heat in her belly, making her warm in places that are waking up.
"I wanted ta…"
"Me too."
"So 's okay?" It's okay. It's more than okay. It's perfect as much as a thing like this can be.
He's waiting for some kind of response so she nods, maybe a bit too enthusiastically which her soft laughter is a testament to.
"It's okay." They stand there in his kitchen, her head against his chest, his arms around her for what feels like forever and only a second before she pushes back again and looks up at him. Reaching up she runs a finger along his bottom lip, following the path her tongue took just minutes ago.
He's unexpected. And she's spent so long living in her self-created half-life his existence is like a fairy tale. She learned a long time ago that fairy tales don't come true.
Never.
Maybe she got wrong? Maybe.
"I should go, let you get settled." It hurts, really physically hurts to step away from him. But it's also okay if she can just stop listening to the voices in the back of her head, the ones that keep her feet firmly planted on the ground.
It's okay because he'll still be here tomorrow and the day after that and those voices have been fading anyway and eventually she's going to stop listening to them once and for all.
"Alright," he mumbles and if she knew him better maybe she'd be able to read the expression on his face. Right now what she sees reminds her of Beau and DJ when they're pouting because something didn't go their way. Aren't grown men sometimes just little boys in big bodies?
She can relate to that. The little girl in her reaches out and takes the hand of the little boy in him and they walk back out into the humid summer night.
xxxxXxxxx
It's possible that kissing her is the single greatest experience in his life. It's also possible kissing her is going to kill him metaphorically speaking.
It was perfect. At least he thinks it was. How it felt, how she felt, how she made him feel… All those things that are taken into consideration when you kiss someone you want to kiss.
He's never kissed anyone quite like that. And it's possible the definition of a kiss has changed completely now that he's kissed Beth.
Daryl never really thought about what defines a kiss anyway. A kiss was just the thing you did before you did the rest. All that other bullshit was meant for a damn romance novel. Not real life. Not his life.
But it's real and it's his life and now she wants to leave and he's walking with her and holding her hand and he wants to pull her back up the stairs with him and…
And what? Because there are a whole lot of options and not all of them are, 'appropriate'. That's the first word that comes to mind.
But there are a whole lot of options and they have time. They literally have time and her going home isn't necessarily a bad thing. She just wants to and he's okay with that for the most part. Because there's tomorrow, lots of tomorrows with Beth.
Even if right now he feels kind of sad.
Sad because of a girl. This is not a world he understands but he's going to jump.
Shit.
She opens her car door before he even realizes it and he feels like a schmuck because he could've done it, should've. She isn't getting in though. She's standing there in the little space between the door and the car and she's got a smile on her face. And her lips, he might just be conjuring up images, but they still look pinker than usual and a little swollen, cause he kissed her.
"Um, wanna text me when you get home?"
"Daryl I live right next door." She's amused, he sees it. And he likes it.
"Yeah, I know." He leans in and presses a kiss to her forehead because if he does what he wants to they might be out here all night and anyone could come out the front door and find them doing more than holding hands.
Taking a step back he watches as she gets into the car and closes the door. She does roll down the window and she does wave as she drives away. And that makes him incredibly happy.
He fights the urge not to chase her damn car and instead turns and heads back to his apartment taking a detour before the stairs and making his way back out to the swings.
Feeling kind of like an idiot but sort of not he sits on the seat and pushes with his feet, just a little, not really swinging at all. Like she did. It's kind of nice, starting slow. But he wants to push hard and soar like he did when he was a kid and it was okay to swing, to pretend he was flying.
Beth. She likes birds and the moon and swings. They're starting slow. That's what they're doing. He can't push. They'll get there. Eventually.
He gets her text on his way up the stairs.
'I made it...'
He pauses for a minute wondering how to respond and if he should.
'Ok'
A/N And they finally kissed…
