I was asked to sketch out the man I had seen in my memories, and as I spilled my artistic equipment over the table, Gaara stood behind me, deadly silent as I furiously set to work. Kankurō went to get Naruto.
My charcoal smudged and crumbled on the page, forming the shadows, creating the disturbing form of the man as he stood in the doorway. I focussed on him especially, marking out the outline of his clothing, and the fall of his hair. He was nothing but a silhouette with reptilian eyes, and a flash of white fangs when he curled his lips into that sneering grin. Heart pounding, I added more detail, frantic in my assault on the paper as I created my memories.
Gaara watched me a moment, his eyes studying everything I drew. Yet, after I drew one picture, I reached for more paper, keeping a close-up image in my head in order to draw from it. In my mind I saw those yellow eyes, snake like, looking at me as if I were an animal. Hell, with how mad I was in drawing I might as well be an animal.
I felt a hand at my waist, unusually reassuring: Gaara's body was flush up against mine as he looked over my shoulder. The close contact made me pause a moment. His eyes were no longer studying the drawing, but were studying me instead. His hand rested casually, but something about it was possessive…my heartbeat soared into overdrive.
"Were you okay with Kankurō?" he asked gently, turning me around, "Did he distress you to the point of provoking these memories to surface?"
Bewitched by the way his hand felt on me, I didn't say anything for a moment. My heart fluttered in protest against the way he looked at me, and against the way it thudded in fear at the entire situation I was in. My drawings stared at me as I stared at them. I had drawn myself as a child, curled into a ball against a wall of darkness, staring at the door. Gaara's eyes followed my gaze.
"Akiko?" he whispered, snapping me into focus.
"No," I muttered, and then sighed, "Maybe…I'm not sure. I need to ask you something?"
My voice was strained. Honestly, I felt very confused about this one thing, more so than I was about my past. It was the one thing that I was tripping over. In my heart it felt like…like something had become lodged there, scorching a sharp burning pain deep in my chest. I wanted to understand it, but I was no stranger to the feeling. Since being here, away from the desert, I had grown used to it, but that didn't make it any less frightening and excruciating.
When Gaara nodded, I hesitated in proceeding with my question. I didn't know how to form it. The thing in question felt like an imaginary eel in my mind, metaphorically speaking. The eel was slippery, foreign to the waters in my mind, and it hissed and writhed against all my logic.
"When Kankurō was talking to me, he said a certain word," I muttered quietly, feeling Gaara lean closer, "And it made me panic. I don't even know what it means."
His eyes burned as though expecting me to say something that would enrage him. I could feel the impatience burning off him in thick pulsating waves. Swallowing awkwardly, I stared at the kanji on his forehead, staring at what made me so afraid.
"What is love?" I asked, knotting my hands together awkwardly, embarrassed by the question.
Silence exuded in the room, causing my eyes to wonder nervously to the drawings on the table. As my past looked back at me blankly, I realised I felt alone, because only I truly knew the feelings that came along with these pictures. They were cold to me.
Daring to look at Gaara, wondering why he was so quiet, I found that he was frozen in place. Clear eyes stared back at me, and what shocked me most was the fact that he looked slightly stunned. He made a move as though to say something, but then dragged a hand down his face, coming to life suddenly.
"Love…Love is...the heart's desire to serve someone who is precious to you. To watch over them, to care for them," he whispered, his gaze slightly intense, "Did Kankurō tell you he loved you?"
I nodded, considering his words. He said them as if he were reciting them from something; from where, I do not know. However, I knew that it made his eyes glaze over in hidden self-knowledge.
"Did the man in the memory tell you he loved you?" Gaara asked, although he sounded like he doubted it.
I shook my head, "No, no…I asked him if he loved me…and he told me I was an interesting specimen."
His eyes closed. A long moment passed as he stood that way, but then he flipped the drawing up in his hand. His dark aura seemed to darken further, causing me to nervously turn back to drawing. However, Gaara sighed heavily, as though frustrated.
"Akiko?" he asked, holding my eyes, "Me and Kankurō already think we know who this man may be, but Naruto will have a better idea."
He glared at the image again, breathing out slowly as if to control himself. Something told me he wasn't all too pleased with Kankurō, but I didn't understand exactly why that would be.
By the time Kankurō returned with Naruto, and Temari, outside had dimmed slightly. The sun had dipped behind the buildings, and as I made tea Gaara explained everything to Naruto. Temari was gaping at the drawings. Naruto instantly simmered when he saw them, his soulful blue eyes smouldering in anguish.
"Orochimaru," he growled, "He experimented on you? What did he use you for?"
My hands went to cover my mouth because he knew who it was straight away. That could never be good. If he knows just by looking at a drawing, then this Orochimaru must be some evil person. This Orochimaru was bad.
Kankurō came to my side, his hand resting on my shoulder to provide comfort, and I saw Temari narrow her eyes at him. Gaara was expertly handling Naruto, calming the blonde before he worked himself into a frenzy.
"So he's known for experimenting," I gasped, wrapping my arms around myself, "What kind of experimentation?"
Naruto was seething about, muttering, "He sought immortality so that he could learn all of life's secrets and jutsu. He experiments on people as his human guinea pigs so he can create new techniques."
I shivered. It was a sick and twisted thing to want to use people in order to create techniques. How many people had he used? A few? A hundred, or perhaps even a thousand? No matter what the number, there had been others like me, others who were shut up in the dark and mistreated. No one should experience something so dark, or feel so alienated.
Kankurō guided me to sit down, before asking if I wanted tea. Irritated, I shook my head, listening more to Naruto. The blonde was currently baring his teeth in an animalistic way.
"I still can't believe Sasuke revived him," he raged, glaring at the ground.
My eyes widened. The name struck a chord, chiming an echo in my mind.
"Uchiha?"
Every single pair of eyes in the room darted to me as if I had just announced I had kicked a puppy to death. They all looked stricken. Gaara came to me quickly, grasping my hands in his. Somewhere deep in his eyes he seemed concerned, which was so unlike Gaara.
"Akiko?" he whispered, his hand cupping my face gently, "Your eyes…"
Oh shit…what now? First the experimentations, the Kekkei Genkai, then the blood shield episode…what could possibly be happening now?
Temari gaped at me, and turned to Naruto with unbearable slowness. When Naruto met her eyes, he simply nodded in understanding, as if he knew what she was thinking. My eyes, despite their horror, felt fine apart from the faint awareness that everything seemed overly clear to me. When I looked at Naruto I could see the flecks in his blue eyes, and how his pupils contracted from across the room. It felt normal, however, to see so clearly, and so I wasn't too alarmed. The feeling of calm disappeared though when I looked at Gaara: he was very worried, his grip tight on my hands.
"I'll go send a messenger bird for him," Naruto said quietly, standing, startling the silence.
Temari went with him, and the silence continued to boom dramatically in the room. I looked at Gaara, beginning to get annoyed.
"Gaara-Sama," I ground out stubbornly, "What the hell is going on?"
He swore softly, running a hand through his red hair, causing the ends to stick up slightly.
"He experimented on your eyes too…he's given you the Sharingan…this much experimentation should have concluded in your death."
I frowned, my mouth frozen open in a never-ending question. Sharingan? As if the Kekkei Genkai wasn't enough for Orochimaru to mess with, he had to mess with my eyes too? What on earth was he planning? What next? Eyes protruding through my back? Wings? It all seemed fucking possible right now.
What scared me most was the fact that I didn't notice these things about myself. They were just happening randomly by accident, and my memories…someone had tried to erase them, but they were emerging. I knew this meant that the one who had done this to me hadn't expected me to live so long. They had expected me to die before anything came to the surface.
"Excuse me," I whispered, standing abruptly, causing Gaara to lose his hold on my hands.
Everything right now made me feel disgusting. From the shocked looks I kept getting, to the outrageous discoveries about my own body and past. I felt like a freak. All I needed right now was to lock everything out of my mind.
As my door clicked shut softly, I slumped to the floor. What if I don't even know myself? What if, when my memories came flooding back, I realised something terrible? Alarmed at this, I found myself shrugging on a cloak, beginning to pack my things. I worked fast, trying to be as silent as possible.
I was going to miss everyone.
