Chapter 9
Cullen
Cullen could only watch in horror from afar as the entire upper platform around Adamant Fortress collapsed, sending everyone on it falling to their sure deaths.
Oh Maker, no!
The sheer weight of the scene unfolding in front of him forced Cullen to his knees. The battle inside the fortress was nearly won. In fact, some of the troops were already gathering the bodies of the fallen. Why then? Why now?
Why hadn't he been there?
A heavy blanket of guilt fell over his thoughts, nearly crushing him under its weight as he recalled his last words to her. Something about clearing enemies off the battlements and covering their advance. He should have taken the time to kiss her or say he cared about her. Better yet, he should have talked to her at Skyhold when he had the chance. He'd been so consumed with the threat here and so convinced there was nothing he could say to make it better between them, he'd just left it alone.
He sighed, holding his head in his hands. A slow churning heat from his stomach made its way up through his body - a burning warmth of emotion that welled up behind his eyes. His breaths came unevenly as he set his jaw and clenched his fists. He swallowed, trying to unwind the tight ball of anger in his throat.
He had to pull himself together. His troops needed him.
But the tears burned his eyes until finally, they spilled over. Hot salty rivulets streamed down his cheeks. His body racked with sobs and he heard nothing. Felt nothing around him, until…
"Commander."
He pinched the bridge of his nose and pulled his head up from between his knees.
"Commander!" The voice was more insistent now. And yes, that had been someone shaking him by the shoulder.
"What is it," he managed, his voice not much more than a rasping squawk.
"There is word of the Inquisitor, sir."
Cullen straightened at that, looking up at the man from his knees. It was one of the new Honnleath recruits. "Tell me quickly, Ellis. As you can see, I'm in no state for-"
"She may be alive, Commander," he interrupted.
Cullen felt some strength come back, enabling him to stand again. "How do you know? What about the others? Dorian? Cass-"
"We think they all made it. Some of the men saw the Inquisitor fall. She…" his forehead creased. "She opened a tear in the Fade and they all fell in."
Cullen rubbed his forehead. "She... she did what?"
"Just as I said, Commander. She opened a rift to keep from hitting the ground. They all just… fell into it. They must still be in the Fade somehow."
Cullen shook his head. "Impossible."
But relief washed over him. The tightness in his chest began to diminish and he began to breathe easier. If she was in the Fade, there was a chance she would return. Especially with two accomplished mages at her side. Hawke and Dorian would help guide her through the fade. She would have to make it.
Cullen had to have faith.
Ellis went back to his duties, to help with the aftermath of the battle. Cullen would do the same, but first he knelt to say a prayer.
By the time Cullen had word of the Inquisitor's return from the Fade, he had already left Adamant and was returning to Skyhold. It was several days before he could speak with Ellana. Lelliana had insisted on debriefing her, so he had to wait until she was finished with several meetings first. But when he saw her, she was well worth the wait.
He didn't realize that a part of himself still doubted she survived, until he saw her. He'd watched her die, at least from his vantage point. So to see her strutting across the courtyard, a little bounce in her step, he felt like he'd been given a gift. A gift of a second chance that he would not squander.
"Ellana," he called.
He worried about how she would react, but a small smile graced her lips and she quickened her pace to meet him. He wanted to meet her in an embrace, show her how much he regretted how he'd acted, but he had to find out where they stood first. He settled for gently placing his hand on her upper arm.
"It's so good to see you," Ellana said gently. Her eyes were bloodshot, heavy bags beneath them revealed just how much she'd experienced in the Fade."We need to talk."
He nodded. "I was just coming to ask you the same."
"How about the garden? I need to check on my seeds anyway. I hope they've been tending to them. The lotus needs a lot of water and-"
Cullen couldn't help but laugh.
She gave him an accusatory glare. "What?"
"You nearly died, opened a rift in the Fade, fell through it, and then somehow managed to escape and you want to talk about flowers?" Cullen shook his head, still smiling. "You never stop surprising me."
Ellana began walking toward the garden, acknowledging everyone she passed with a friendly nod. No wonder she had so many followers, she made them all feel important and needed. That and there was no arguing with her ability to defy death. He silently thanked the Maker again for that.
"So what did happen in the Fade? If you haven't tired of telling the tale, that is."
Ellana looked up at the billowing white clouds above. "It was incredible and frightening." When she looked at him, Cullen saw that the impact of what she'd experienced was still very close to the surface. "It was as though the Fade knew our deepest fears. When we were almost through it, the nightmare we had to face was…" She faltered, likely thinking of Stroud. Cullen had learned of Stroud's sacrifice in the Fade to help the others. "It was immense, there was no way to bring it down. We had to… Stroud sacrificed himself to-"
But she couldn't finish. Maybe she'd told the story before, but it was still too fresh. The nightmare still too vivid.
"I'm so sorry," was all he could manage. He placed a hand on her back in comfort as they continued to the garden. "I'm just glad you made it back."
Ellana reached into her pocket, smiling down at the coin he'd given her back in Honnleath. "I did have luck on my side."
Cullen chuckled.
"Although, the Divine's help probably didn't hurt."
Cullen stopped, his mouth agape as he whispered, "The divine? You saw Divine Justinia?"
Ellana nodded and looked up at the pillars surrounding the garden. "I think it was her spirit somehow. But she helped us through. She helped me discover my memories of what happened at the Temple of Sacred Ashes."
Cullen blinked. "That's… incredible."
Ellana started toward a few pots at the far side of the garden. "That's the only way I could describe it too. Luckily Hawke wrote a very detailed report of the whole experience."
"I should like to read it."
She crouched down in front of one of her pots, gently examining the tiny sprouts that were just pushing their way through the topsoil. "Good, I was worried these seeds wouldn't take."
Cullen bent down to admire another pot spilling over with fragrant white flowers. "They look very happy."
As Ellana moved on to check the next pot, he took a deep breath, feeling the moment was right to tell her what he should have weeks ago. "Ellana," he stood up and took her hand. She didn't pull away. That was a good start. "I want to apologize to you for hiding the truth about… about the lyrium."
She pressed her lips together. "Cullen, I-"
He pleaded silently with his eyes. "Please. I want you to know why."
She nodded and he continued. "After you left for the Western Front, days went by and my physical health deteriorated. It was to the point where I was vomiting several times every day. I couldn't focus. I had to make some crucial decisions during that week, many of which I misjudged. Good men died for my mistakes." Cullen shut his eyes, still haunted by what could have been. "I shouldn't have been so weak, but I felt I had run out of options."
Ellana's shoulders slumped and she exhaled. Her response was just above a whisper. "Cullen. I understand all of that. I just want to know why you didn't tell me, even when I asked?"
He looked away. "I couldn't bear to disappoint you. I planned on telling you. Just…" he looked back at her, even though it killed him to see the hurt he had put there. "It just kept getting harder and harder to tell you." He looked away again, it was painful to hold her gaze for too long.
But she reached out to place her hand against the line of his jaw, turning him to face her. "Cullen, I forgive you." And he could see that something had changed in her eyes. A small smile crept to the corner of one of her lips. "You should see your face," she laughed. "You'd think having this conversation wasyour personal Fade nightmare."
He exhaled, a deep sigh of relief that she… that they were in good standing again.
"May I?" Cullen asked, placing a hand on her arm.
She answered by leaning further toward him. Her lips grazed against his, very light at first, filled with trepidation. But when he began to pull back, she pulled him towards her again. When the kiss was over, Cullen had no questions about where they stood.
"I can't believe I almost lost you without-" he rubbed his eyes, trying to clear out the image of her death. "Let's not ever leave without a proper goodbye."
"I agree, I should have talked to you sooner, I-"
Cullen set his jaw. "No, it wasn't up to you to make things right. And it shouldn't have taken nearly losing you to make me see that. I promise you, I will not hide something like that from you again."
Ellana adjusted the small bag she carried over her shoulder, opening the flap to retrieve a small weathered envelope. She grabbed for his hand, spilling the contents of the envelope into his open palm. Seeds.
"Help me plant my newest find?"
Cullen smiled. "I could not think of a better way to spend the morning."
