A/N - Again, thank you to everyone who is reading this story! See the end for notes.
As always, thanks to Bondopoulos for doing her beta magic on this chapter.
Disclaimer: All VM characters belong to Rob Thomas.
Veronica somehow managed to stumble into her bedroom and collapse on top of her bed. She was still reeling from how badly she'd fucked everything up. She wouldn't let herself believe that Logan was lying to her, though, no matter how adamant Troy may feel about it. The final words Troy had thrown at her before leaving were like a dagger straight to her heart after having said the same thing to Logan years before. She could easily imagine how badly Troy felt, and it killed her that she'd done that to him. Lives ruined…God, why did Logan have to be so right about that all those years ago?
She'd heard her phone ring earlier when she was walking up to her apartment and had ignored it. At that point she hadn't wanted to talk to anyone, and she wouldn't have been surprised if it may have been Logan trying to call her. After crying into her pillow for a while, she regained some of her composure and decided she'd better check the message in case it was something important. She braced herself when she recognized the number as Logan's and then punched in the code for her voicemail.
Hearing how broken Logan sounded in his message made her feel even worse. Guilt. That was one thing she hadn't felt all those years ago when he'd tried to fix things with her after their last big fight. At that point in her life all she'd seemed to be capable of was anger, and no matter how devastated he'd sounded on his messages then, she hadn't felt sorry at all. Looking back at it now, it was as if she was a completely different person back then, wanting to lash out and make other people feel the same pain she was feeling over losing her dad. She could understand now that it was completely irrational and likely due to the immense grief from losing Keith, but at the time, she hadn't been willing to admit that she was unraveling. Now, though, she was consumed with guilt. Guilt over hurting both Logan and Troy. That feeling started to fade a bit as she finished listening to Logan's message and a new feeling started to shadow over it: determination. She was now more resolute than ever to prove that Hannah was having an affair. A part of her knew that it wasn't going to fix anything, but she'd be damned if she was going to just drop this case without finding proof. Not after everything it had just cost her.
She took a few minutes to compose herself before she pressed redial and waited for Logan to answer. A part of her thought it might be easier to just leave a voice message or send a text, but another part of her felt like she owed it to him to actually talk to him. She knew she couldn't change the way she'd hurt him in the past, but it didn't mean that she had to be as cold and heartless this time. She'd seen the pain in his eyes that afternoon. The pain that was still there because of how she'd treated him all those years ago, and she felt like she owed it to him to not repeat that again. She also couldn't forget the look on his face when she shoved him off of her. That had been even worse than the agony she'd seen in his expression before she'd kissed him.
"Veronica?" Logan asked in confusion, the word slightly slurred as he answered.
"Can you just…" Veronica started and then took a breath. "Can you please just listen to what I have to say and not say anything for a few minutes?" she pleaded, not wanting to let the conversation get out of her control.
"Okay," he answered softly.
"First… I don't hate you, Logan," she said, frustrated at the slight tremble that came out with the words. "I'm definitely angry at myself for what I did, but I don't hate or blame you. What happened this afternoon was not your fault. We were both there and chose not to stop, so please don't put all the blame for it in yourself." She paused a moment before she continued with what else she'd wanted to say, not sure how well he was going to react. "Second, please give me a week to get proof before you tell Hannah. I just… I really just need to see this through."
She heard him take a deep breath through the phone and wondered if he was waiting to see if she had more to say before he spoke. Either that or he was trying to figure out how to respond. "I… I can't keep pretending, Veronica," he replied with the same broken tone she'd heard in the voice message he'd left her. "I just want to leave." She could tell that his words still seemed slightly slurred, and she wondered how much he'd had to drink. At least he seemed lucid enough to be following the conversation.
"You could still go to San Francisco, but just don't tell her anything yet. Maybe with you gone, she'll meet up with the guy and I'll catch them together."
There was silence on the line for a few seconds before he responded. "Okay," he finally replied again with a defeated sigh.
She hesitated a moment before she spoke again. She'd been reluctant to place a bug on Hannah because she hadn't wanted to listen to her and Logan interact, but given she hadn't discovered anything yet, that seemed like the best course of action now. "I need you to do one more thing before you go, though." She paused a moment to see if he'd object, but after a few seconds of silence she continued. "I want you to place a bug for me. I know I've seen Hannah with a few different purses, but she always seems to have the same computer bag with her, so can you put the listening device in the bag before you leave? I know she took it with her to Vermont, so you'll have to stick around until she's back, but could you please do that for me?"
Logan let out a heavy sigh, so at least she knew he was still there and listening. It took him at least a minute to reply, but she didn't dare push him for an answer before he was ready. "Yeah… she's um… she's coming back Sunday night. I'll slip it in after she's asleep and catch a morning flight up to San Francisco on Monday."
Veronica wasn't looking forward to seeing him in person to give him the device, but she knew that she probably needed to. She certainly didn't want to go back to his condo again. She debated about whether she could just drop it off without seeing him at all, but she decided she'd better show him the best way to attach it so he didn't break it or something. "Can you stop by MI Sunday at ten? I'll meet you there and show you how to use it."
"Okay," he answered again, still sounding as desolate as when he'd first answered the phone.
"Okay… see you then," she said and then disconnected the call before he even had a chance to respond or change his mind.
Veronica had thought maybe she'd hear from Troy on Saturday, but she understood that he needed some time to work through everything before they spoke again. She'd sent him a text after he didn't answer her call, explaining that she really was sorry and anytime he wanted to talk, to just let her know. She tried to keep herself busy working on other cases on Saturday so she wouldn't sit around and dwell on the predicament she'd gotten herself into. She tried to tell herself that sitting alone for hours that night on a stakeout was better than wallowing by herself at home, although after the first hour, she wasn't really so sure about that. Prior to Logan showing up at her office asking for help, she'd been able to bury all those old memories and feelings about him, but now that no longer seemed possible. She painfully realized after what had happened the day before that she'd been purposefully avoiding ever dealing with her unresolved feelings for Logan. She'd pushed them so far from her consciousness that when she finally did acknowledge them it was overwhelming and she ended up acting so irrationally in the heat of the moment. Now she had to live with the consequences of her actions and she couldn't deny that she felt horrible for hurting both Troy and Logan.
She delayed heading to MI for as long as possible on Sunday morning, not really wanting to face Logan even though it had been her idea. She unlocked the office at a quarter to ten and headed into the inner office to find the bug she had planned to give him. At exactly ten o'clock, she heard the outer door open and stood up from the desk in the inner office to walk out to the lobby area to meet him. Logan looked as terrible as she felt, and after looking her in the eyes for only a second, he immediately shifted his gaze down to the floor. She took a deep breath and walked over to him with the small listening device in her open palm.
He seemed to at least listen attentively and nodded at her instructions even though he still wouldn't make eye contact. When she was finished and he still hadn't reached out to take it from her, she sat it down on the desk by where they were standing and he finally moved to pick it up and slipped it into his pocket. She was certainly worried by the way he looked and acted that Hannah would easily realize something was terribly wrong. Veronica really didn't want him to jeopardize her chance of catching Hannah with whoever the guy was.
"You um…" she started and hesitated for a second. "You know you can't act or look like this when she gets back right?" she asked, sounding much terser than she'd intended.
"Sorry… not everyone is as fucking resilient as the great Veronica Mars," he quickly spat out before an abashed look appeared on his face. "Fuck… I'm sorry, Veronica," he mumbled as he exhaled loudly and ran his hand through his hair, tugging slightly as his fingers moved along his scalp. "That was out of line... I'm just…" He paused and let out another loud sigh and finally met her gaze. Although with how distraught and anguished he looked, she wasn't sure that was a good thing. "I can't stand hurting you… and the way you looked at me yesterday… please just drop the case… I'll just disappear and I promise I'll never bother you again."
"No," she said as she shook her head vehemently. She was definitely angry over his outburst, even if he did apologize. "I'm not dropping the case, Logan. I need to know I didn't totally fuck over my boyfriend because you made this all up." She recoiled a bit realizing how badly that actually sounded once she said it out loud but of course her immediate reaction to Logan snapping at her would be to dish it right back. Apparently now I'm the one speaking without thinking.
Logan's eyes grew wide as a shocked looked crossed his face. "You think I made it up?" he asked incredulously. "Oh of course… that's what I do, right? … I lie to you?" His voice was quickly changing from broken and sorrowful to angry and bitter. "God, I'm so fucking stupid to have thought for a second that maybe you still had feelings for me. That you were doing this because you cared. But no, just like every other time in your life, it's all about you!" He clenched his jaws while he sucked in a sharp breath. "Thanks for the pity fuck, Veronica," he snarled out before he turned and stormed out of the office.
"Fuck!" Logan yelled as he hit the steering wheel of his car. I'm just done. He put the keys in the ignition and started the car, pulling away from the curb a second later. Why the hell did I come today? I should have just left for San Francisco yesterday… or Mexico. I swear to God I'm never going back to that fucking office ever!… not for the rest of my entire fucking life. He wasn't sure who he was really angrier at though, Veronica or himself. He'd been the first one to snap at her, but then it had hurt so badly when she indirectly accused him of lying. He should have known she was trying to find some justification to make herself feel better about what happened or maybe even so she could just fix things with Troy. He hated that he'd been foolish enough to think that it could have been because she still cared and wanted to help him. But that didn't matter anymore because he was just done with all of this. Done with Neptune, and done with her.
Once he reached the condo, he stormed upstairs and started throwing clothes into his suitcase. He heard his phone ring and glanced at it as he pulled it out of his pocket. Veronica. He hit ignore and threw the phone down on the bed before he went back to taking his frustration out by tossing more things out of the closet to pack. He'd flown to San Francisco enough times to know the flight times and decided he would just buy a ticket when he made it to the airport so all he needed to focus on now was packing. He just needed to pack up enough stuff to get him by for a little while and then he could buy stuff up there when he needed to. He headed into the bathroom to get things from there when he heard the phone ring a second time from the bed. He ignored it, though, and just stayed in the bathroom carelessly grabbing whatever he thought he might need. As he walked back out into the bedroom he told himself not to look at the display, but finally let out a frustrated breath and grabbed it off the bed. Veronica. He was a little surprised by her persistence, but was still too pissed to talk to her. He knew he'd likely only make things worse at that point. Of course she never actually listens to me... even now. Even though I asked her to just drop the case, she won't because that wouldn't serve her own purposes. She's just as stubborn and self-centered as she always was.
He finally sat down on the edge of the bed, the adrenaline from his fight with her starting to wear off and leaving him feeling nothing but weary and desolate again. He fell back on the mattress and covered his face with his arms. Why do I always fuck everything up? Did I really think going to her for this was going to have a better ending? Maybe I really don't deserve to ever be happy. The curse of being born a fucking Echolls. He took a deep breath and was about to sit up when his phone rang again. It was lying on the bed right by his head, so he glanced at the screen and saw her name again. Veronica. He knew he should just ignore it, but reached out and picked it up, hitting the accept button.
"What?" he asked in a loud, annoyed tone.
"I'm sorry. If you want me to drop the case I will," she quickly replied in an apologetic tone.
"What?" he asked again, completely caught off guard by both the apology and the offer to drop the case. I'd been the one to initially go off on her, and now she was apologizing first and actually willing to do what I asked? Has she actually stopped to consider someone else's feelings for a change?
"You asked me twice to just drop the case, and I finally realized I was being pretty selfish by refusing to do that." She paused and he wondered if she was waiting for him to respond, but then she started talking again. "When you stormed out of the office, my first reaction was to just do whatever I wanted whether or not you approved. In fact, I was probably even more adamant about it just to spite you." She let out a loud sigh before she continued. "But then I realized that's exactly what I did all those years ago and I don't want to be like that again. I really don't want to be that person again, Logan. I don't want to give up yet, but if you want me to, then say the word and I will. I um..." her voice cracked softly and she took a deep breath. "I don't want this ending to be even worse than our last one was."
Logan let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hand over his face. This wasn't something he'd expected to have to decide. "I'll give you the week," he found himself saying a few seconds later, despite what he'd been feeling earlier.
"Thank you," she replied, but he could tell there was a touch of trepidation in her voice. A second later he realized why. "And you'll still plant the bug before you go?" she asked with an almost pleading tone to her voice.
Logan glanced over at his open suitcase on the bed and exhaled loudly again. "Yeah, I'll stay and do that."
"Thank you," she said again, more softly than before.
He felt a lump in his throat and swallowed hard before he spoke again. "And I'm sorry I caused you to fuck things up with Troy. I really never meant for that to happen, Veronica."
"I know… I um… I need to go," she replied quickly and then the line went dead.
Logan had texted Veronica early on Monday morning to let her know that he had planted the bug and he was catching the first flight up to San Francisco. She'd replied with a 'thank you', but he hadn't responded back. Their situation had gotten so fucked up that she was just grateful he had agreed to still plant the bug and give her a week. She was relieved that he had gone along with her request, because backing off at that point would have been extremely difficult for her even if she really did want to change. But if he had asked her to, she would have forced herself to because she really didn't want to be the way she had been with him before. She still hadn't heard from Troy, but she had plenty of casework to keep her mind temporarily focused on other things.
Throughout the day Veronica had pulled up the audio from Hannah's bug, but so far had only heard her talking with her coworkers about how much fun she'd had in Vermont with all her old boarding school friends. The device would only send audio when there was sound detected, so it wasn't a constant feed that she had to listen to since part of the time Hannah must have been working quietly by herself. Veronica had scoped out the office space that the company Hannah worked for was located in and knew that she had a private office where she worked on her own assignments. Veronica had really hoped that Hannah would contact the man she had been seeing once Logan was gone, and she was a bit disappointed when she finally went to bed Monday night and still hadn't uncovered anything. She had been checking on some of the numbers that Hannah frequently called on her cell phone as well and hadn't found anything of note there either.
On Tuesday morning, Veronica had been out taking some photos for an insurance fraud case relatively close to her apartment, so she grabbed some lunch and headed home to eat instead of going back to the office. She was surprised when she reached her apartment and found the door slightly ajar. She didn't have to open it very far to spot Troy kneeling down by the kitchen counter petting Lucy. She let out a quiet sigh and pushed the door open far enough to walk through. He must have heard the sound and quickly turned toward her with a pained expression on his face.
"Sorry, I didn't expect you to be home," he quickly said as he stood up. Lucy kept rubbing up against his legs, clearly annoyed that she wasn't getting his full attention any longer. "I um… I came to say goodbye to Lucy and give you this," he said as he placed his key to her apartment on the counter.
"Troy," she started to plead before he cut her off.
"I'm taking the assignment Elliot's been bugging me about," he quickly explained as he stuck his hands in his pockets, barely able to look her directly in the eyes.
"You're going to Boston?" Veronica asked faintly, feeling her chest tightening at the thought of him running over two thousand miles just to get away from her. She knew he may need some time before they tried to work through everything, but she never expected him to just leave like that.
"Yeah," he answered softly with a nod. It was easy to hear the anguish in his voice. "I thought a change of venue might be good for a while."
"I'm so sorry, Troy," she told him as a tear streaked down her cheek. "I wish I could fix this. I never wanted to hurt you."
Troy exhaled loudly and then shook his head. "I wish I hadn't been right about this from the start, Veronica, but I can't change that. And I can't just pretend it didn't happen either." She could tell he was trying to keep from breaking down himself as he spoke. "I wish you'd loved me the same way I loved you. I tried telling myself that what you felt was enough, but now I realize it wasn't. I don't know if you're still in love with him, but clearly you weren't in love with me enough to not let that happen. I just… I can't stay."
Veronica let out a strangled sob as she watched him head toward the door. She hated that he was right. She hadn't loved him enough to not get swept up in her emotions for Logan. She wanted to tell him not to go, that she loved him more, but she didn't know her own feelings well enough to say that with certainty and knew it would be even worse to lie. But she did know that it was breaking her heart to have him leave her like that. As the door closed behind Troy, she stopped trying to hold back the tears and just let them all fall once again.
A/N - I wish I'd put this note earlier and not at the end of such a sad chapter, but I forgot. I had actually planned the Lucy the cat part before I had looked at Aaron Ashmore's Instagram account and discovered that he absolutely loves cats in real life too. Not only does he and his wife have a couple of their own, but he takes random pictures of cats that he sees when he's out and about and posts those on his account too. In one post he even put "Yes I'm a crazy cat man." So I suppose if you're feeling bummed about this chapter, you could go and look at cute cat pictures on his instagram account to make you feel better.
And as far as the chapter, I'm sure Veronica still isn't where some of you want her to be yet. She is trying to be better though, but her way of dealing with trauma and bad situations isn't always the healthiest way. It's always been easier for her to throw herself into cases than to deal with difficult emotional issues. That's basically what has gotten her here in this story too and she hasn't changed as much as I'm sure people would have liked her to. We all know that finding the guy that Hannah has been seeing isn't going to fix anything, but it's what she's chosen to fixate on instead of dealing with the rest of the mess she's created. And she does care a lot about Troy too, so it's not just an easy thing for her to hurt him and let him go. She's at a place where she really doesn't know who she loves more. She's had a good relationship with Troy for almost a year and while she still has feelings for Logan, those could just be based on all her old memories and feelings from the past and they still wouldn't have a chance in the present.
