Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! This chapter would fit in chapter 28 of Apologize; it takes place the morning after Johanna talks about her life in Wyoming.
Chapter 9- Turmoil
Kate muffled a yawn with the back of her hand as she stepped out of her bedroom that morning, nearly colliding with her father as she turned to head up the hallway. "What's wrong, Dad?" she asked tiredly; cursing cases that kept her out until four in the morning.
"Why is your mother sleeping on the couch?" Jim quietly demanded to know.
She sighed and rubbed her forehead; it was too early for this. "I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it's because you didn't want to share a room with her and she respects that."
"She was supposed to be in your room."
"She was until I got home," Kate replied. "I told her she could stay with me but she didn't want to; I figured she wanted to watch TV. It's really not a big deal; she sleeps on the couch a lot…she seems to sleep better there to tell you the truth."
"I told her to wake me when you got home so I could leave," he said somewhat tersely.
His daughter laughed softly. "Yeah, I know; but if you really thought for a minute that she was going to wake you up at four in the morning to send you home, you're crazy. You know just as well as I do that she'd never do that."
Jim's jaw was tense; his emotions still in turmoil from everything he had heard the night before and the constant frenzy he seemed determined to keep himself wrapped up in. "She never does what she's told. She never listens."
"And yet you married her anyway," Kate remarked. "I don't think for a minute that you didn't know what you were getting into. She might have her faults but she loves you."
He scoffed and Kate smacked his shoulder, her eyes flashing with annoyance. "Don't you stand there for a second and act like she doesn't or that you doubt it," she said sharply. "She loves you; she loves you more than anything in this world; you are her world, that's why she's been steadily crumbling ever since you lost your mind over a damn phone call. If she didn't love you, she wouldn't put up with you and your bullheadedness; she wouldn't have waited three years for you to date her, she wouldn't have stayed faithful to you, and yes, I believe with all my heart that she has never, ever been unfaithful to you. When she first came home you were big on lecturing me about forgiveness and second chances and all of that and yet you're the one hurting her the most…and she's still here, waiting and praying that you'll believe her; giving up her bed for you to sleep in comfort even though she's hurt and angry with you. If it was me and my husband was unjustly accusing me of something; he'd be sleeping in his car and I wouldn't give a damn about his comfort."
Jim's eyes narrowed at her but he held back the sharp retorts that formed on his tongue. "Give me time to go home and change and then I'll be back, Katie."
"Don't bother," she told him.
"What?"
"Don't bother; we won't be here."
Surprise and perhaps a touch of fear flickered in his gaze. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to work and she's going to go stay with Martha for the day."
"Martha," he said; slight dismay in his tone. "How is she going to be safe with just Martha?"
"Don't worry, Dad; I'll see to it that she's safe. You know that Castle's building is secure and I'll make sure the building is being watched. She needs to get out of here and see someone other than you and me."
He shook his head. "I don't think I like the idea."
"Well we don't really care," she replied; her patience with him wearing thin. "You'd think you'd be happy; you won't have to share air space with her today. It's obvious that you don't want to be here; that you only come out of obligation and it just makes everything worse. Last night is a prime example in my opinion; she told us everything, she didn't hold back…and you gave her nothing in return. You didn't even look at her…and then to add insult to injury; you won't even lay next to her so she can sleep in her own bed. You're too busy wanting to brood over nothing to see that all the answers you want or need, she gave you last night."
"I don't want a lecture, Katie. I'm the parent here, not you," he retorted.
Her brow rose. "Well I've sat through plenty of your lectures that I didn't want and now you can take one of mine because I am sick of this, Dad. I am just completely fed up with it. Today, while you're alone, you need to figure out what you want and what you're going to do. You need to make a choice; you're either going to wake up and realize that she's innocent and apologize and work with her to make things better between you again, or you need to decide to be done. Just make up your mind; you're either staying with her or the two of you are done. We can't all stay in this limbo because I'm sick of it and she can't take much more of it and it just needs to be dealt with."
Jim shook his head. "I'm just supposed to snap my fingers and make a decision to appease you, Katie?"
"No; you're supposed to think about what you want and then make a decision for both of you…because I have to tell you, if you don't make it soon, you won't have a choice."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.
Kate held his gaze. "She's going to give up on you, Dad. One day soon she's going to wake up and just decide to stop fighting it. She's going to lose hope of you coming to your senses and she's just going to accept defeat and she's going to be done and she's going to tell you to go and not come back."
Jim smirked slightly. "You underestimate your mother."
"No," she countered; "You do…because I get to hear all the things you don't. I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces every night after you leave. She's already losing hope, Dad; she's already made mentions of what's going to happen after this case is over; how she might not have a home to go to…and you know what; if she doesn't have you; I don't see her staying in New York. I think it would be too hard for her; she might try for awhile, but then she'd probably run into you somewhere and she wouldn't be able to stand it. She'll leave…and since the only other place she knows is Wyoming; that's most likely where she'd go. So why don't you think about that too…think about how you're driving her back to the last place she wants to be…the last place you want her to be."
"She'd stay in New York for you, Katie."
She shook her head. "No; I don't think she will…I think she'll leave; but if you two are over, it shouldn't bother you any. You need to decide and you need to tell her; if it's over, then I'll make other arrangements for when I'm not here with her because I'm not going to subject you to each other. She can go through the grieving process and have closure about that part of her life. You can move on and when this is over, she can too…although I doubt she will; you could walk out of here right now and never come back and she'd still be faithful; she'd still love you and wouldn't blame you at all. But maybe everything you know about her doesn't matter anymore. I don't know what else she can do; she's told you everything, she's cried, she's begged, she's pleaded, she's slapped you, she's argued with you until she's blue in the face. Nothing's reaching you…so maybe it's time to call it a day, Dad. If you want out, just say so; you don't need to hang on to this stupid excuse of being mad about a phone call. Just tell her you want out and go…she'll let you go if it's what you want. I think she's already preparing for it. So just make up your mind and for all of our sakes, do it soon, okay; because it's getting old."
Her father said nothing as he rubbed the back of his neck and Kate slipped around him and headed up the hallway toward the living room, through with the discussion and tired of trying to knock sense into him. He liked to talk about her mother's stubbornness…he ought to look at his own; it was off the charts. She glanced over at the couch, glad to see that her mother was still sleeping and hadn't overheard their quiet conversation in the hallway. She moved into the kitchen to start the coffee, figuring she'd let her sleep awhile longer. She moved around as quietly as possible, gathering ingredients for breakfast as she kept a subtle eye on the living room as her father finally appeared.
She watched from the corner of her eye as he approached the couch; indecision written across his features as he stared down at Johanna. A knot formed in her stomach; fearing that he'd wake her and tell her that their marriage was over. How could she go to work and leave her in the state of devastation that would bring? Kate sighed; perhaps this morning hadn't been the right time for a lecture with her father but damn it she was tired of this and she wanted it resolved one way or another. If worst came to worst; she'd figure out some excuse to use to call off work…family emergency should work…because it would most likely be an emergency of epic proportions that would probably require sedation…or alcohol. Or both…alcohol for her and sedation for her mother. That was a good plan for the time being.
Kate blew out a soft breath as she continued to watch her father; he just kept standing there, staring, making no move of any kind and she didn't know what to make of it. She was also surprised that his stare hadn't somehow woke her; usually her mother knew when someone was watching her and it would jolt her awake…but she had been drained emotionally; maybe she had found escape in deep sleep for a change. Finally movement resonated in her field of vision and her attention snapped back to her father, watching as he slowly leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her mother's forehead. Her mother didn't stir and the knot of anxiety didn't ease in her stomach as she watched him back away.
"Come lock the door, Katie," Jim announced as he headed in that direction.
She forced away her feelings of anxiety and irritation and left the kitchen to see him out. "I'll let you know when we're home, Dad," she murmured quietly.
"I'd appreciate that," he remarked. "Make sure she's safe while she's out visiting."
"You know I'll take care of everything; I wouldn't take her somewhere where she wouldn't be safe."
"I know," he replied; squeezing the back of his neck once more.
Kate gave him a small smile. "Don't worry, Dad; I still love you…and no matter what happens between the two of you, I always will. You're just exasperating right now…you're kind of being a jerk," she whispered; "But I was told men are like that at times."
Jim smirked. "I'm sure you heard that from your mother."
"Yes; I did…but when she told me that; she began the conversation by saying 'Katie; your father wants me to make sure that I tell you what jerks guys can be at times'."
Her father grimaced. "Yeah…I do kind of remember asking her to do that…"
"Kind of came back to bite you in the ass, didn't it?"
"It seems that way," he agreed.
"It also blows that 'she doesn't listen' theory out of the water too."
Jim glared at her. "You're too damn smug for this early in the morning."
She smiled. "But you love me anyway."
"I do," he said with a nod as he reached for the doorknob. "Have a good day, Katie; be careful."
"I will," she promised.
Kate closed the door behind him and relocked it before quietly making her way back to the kitchen. She cooked eggs and made toast; setting the plates on the stove to keep warm as she went to wake up her mother.
"Hey," she said softly; gripping Johanna's shoulder and giving her a firm shake.
The motion startled her and Johanna bolted upright. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Kate replied; her hands wrapping gently around her mother's arms. "It's just time for you to get up. I made breakfast; it'll keep warm while you get dressed."
"Is your father still here?" she asked.
A small sympathetic smile touched her lips. "No; he left a little bit ago."
Johanna nodded; trying to ignore the sting…trying to ignore that feeling that she was losing him more and more as each day slipped by. "I won't be long, Katie," she murmured.
"Take your time…no one's going to bat an eye if I'm a little late today considering what time I got in this morning."
Johanna said nothing as she threw back the blanket and got up from the sofa, heading for the guest room to get her clothes and makeup bag to take to the bathroom with her. She paused in the threshold of the doorway, staring at the unmade bed her husband had left behind. She ached inside, wishing he was still in it so that she could take a chance and crawl in next to him…but he was gone; and she couldn't help but wonder if it was a sign. She sucked in a breath, trying to quell the pain; wishing she could just climb back in that bed, knowing it would smell like him and linger there with her eyes closed; pretending he was just out of reach of her fingertips.
She forced her feet to carry her forward; knowing that she couldn't linger, that she couldn't stand around and take her time to wallow. She had to get ready to go; she didn't want to make Kate too late for work.
After Johanna had finished her morning routine, she entered the kitchen and sat down at the table as Kate grabbed the plates from the stove. "Why didn't you wake me earlier?" she asked her daughter. "I would've made breakfast."
"I figured you deserved a day off from breakfast duty," Kate replied. "You kind of had a bad night."
"Yeah; I guess you could say that…and it most likely spoiled your evening with Rick; and I am very sorry about that, Katie. I tried to ignore your father's remarks as much as I could but he's always brought out the best and the worst in me…I should've just gone in the other room and locked the door. I'm so sorry."
"No; you didn't spoil anything," Kate assured. "Castle knows that you and Dad are going through a rough spot; he didn't mind that you squabbled a bit before calling that little meeting. Don't worry about it; there will be other dinners."
Johanna sighed. "That doesn't make me feel any better about it."
"I had a feeling it wouldn't; but honestly; I'm not mad at you…I knew going in that there was a possibility for the fight to pick up again. It's fine, really…and I hope that maybe you feel a little better now that you've talked about Wyoming and how you felt there…although it was hard to hear and imagine."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be; it was going to come out eventually…I'm the one who told you before to just tell us what you want like you always used to."
"I know…but it didn't do me any good anyway; at least not with your father."
"What did he say after I left?" she asked curiously.
Johanna shook her head as she looked across the table at her. "Not a damn thing…he didn't say one word to me until I asked where he wanted me to sleep."
"I'm sorry," Kate said softly. "I don't know why he's being so stubborn…so against listening to reason."
"Because he doesn't trust me," her mother murmured. "He'll probably never trust me again…and I only have myself to blame."
"You didn't have an affair though."
"It doesn't matter; I left…I left for thirteen years and now the trust is gone. I can't prove to him that nothing ever happened with Jack; I can't call Jack and say to him 'please explain to my husband that I have never, ever let you get anywhere with me and that the only time I was around you was at work and work related functions'. Even if I could do that, Jim wouldn't believe it. I'd take a lie detector but I wouldn't want you to have to arrange that…and it would probably not be in our best interest at the moment given current circumstances; so I'm stuck. I don't know what else to do. I keep trying; I just keep trying over and over and it's like the more I try the more he resists. I'm running out of ideas…I'm running out of patience."
"I don't blame you for feeling that way," Kate replied; "But maybe while he's by himself today he'll think about a few things and hopefully come to his senses."
Johanna sighed as she pushed around the eggs on her plate. "I think I'm running out of hope, Katie."
"Don't give up yet; maybe the space will do you both good."
"We can hope," she replied; humoring her daughter for the sake of both them. "Did you get any sleep?"
"Yeah; I'm fine…you could've stayed though; you didn't have to move to the couch."
"I don't mind sleeping on the couch," Johanna said; reaching for the strawberry jaw to put on her toast.
"Just for the record; Dad wasn't too happy to discover it."
"Then he should've stopped being a jackass and allowed me to stay with him."
Kate smiled. "Well don't take this the wrong way but you handled that wrong; I wouldn't have given him my bed in the first place; I would've told him that he was sleeping on the couch."
"He doesn't do well sleeping on a couch; if it's just a nap he's fine but a whole night usually aggravated his shoulder," Johanna replied.
"He's been aggravating you all week; I'd say it would be an even trade."
She smiled. "I was hoping maybe once he was in there that he'd change his mind and tell that I could come in with him…but I was wrong."
"Apparently so…but he was unhappy that you were on the couch so maybe that means things are hopeful."
"He was probably mad that I didn't wake him like I said I would," Johanna commented.
"He mentioned that…I told him he was crazy if he believed you were really going to do that."
"You would think that he'd know me better than that," she quipped but then the light in her eyes dimmed. "But of course I think that about a lot of things."
Kate swallowed a bite of her eggs; refraining from mentioning the chat she had with her father. "Don't worry; I think he has a lot of things to think about today."
"What makes you so sure?"
"He had that look on his face; the one where he knows he has to think but hates to do it."
Johanna laughed. "I know that look."
Her daughter smiled. "We both do; and he wasn't happy to hear that you were going to be with Martha today…he was concerned about your safety."
"Yeah; well; lately I look at that as a feeling of obligation on his part…and I know that makes me sound horrible but that's how he's made me feel the last several days."
"I know…but if it makes you feel any better; he did kiss you before he left."
Johanna's gaze lifted from her plate and met her daughter's, a somewhat disbelieving look in her eyes as her brow rose. "You wouldn't just be saying that to make me feel more hopeful would you?"
Kate shook her head. "No; I wouldn't lie to you about that. He did kiss you; he kissed your forehead."
"Maybe it was a goodbye kiss," her mother muttered as she broke a piece of her toast in half.
"I don't think so," she replied. "I think it was more along the lines of 'I'm sorry I'm being a jackass, I'm going to try to stop being one but it might take me some time since I've made such a good effort at being one."
Johanna couldn't help but laugh. "You're definitely my daughter," she quipped.
"I've heard that rumor from several people now."
"I can confirm that rumor," she remarked. "Did I ever tell you about the time I spied on your grandfather because your grandmother thought he was having an affair?"
Kate's brow rose. "Which grandfather?"
"My father."
"Grandpa McKenzie!?"
Johanna nodded. "Yes; your grandmother was so upset…so I told her I'd find out for sure…I made your father help me."
Kate grinned. "Nothing says I love you like a joint spy operation."
"We weren't dating yet…it took some convincing and a threat of calling Jeff to help me instead."
She laughed softly. "He didn't like the thought of that?"
"Not at all…I can also tell you that your father could've never been a cop; he bitched the entire time of our stake out."
"You had a stake out?"
"Yes;" she replied. "We staked out your grandfather's office…I wanted to see who he was working late with."
"And then what happened?" Kate asked.
"I saw him come out of the building with some woman I didn't know."
"Did you confront them?"
"No; I had to build a case and find evidence of wrong doing," Johanna replied. "We waited until they left and then we went in the building."
Her daughter eyed her. "You broke into the building."
"Not exactly…I had the security code."
"You broke into the building," Kate stated.
"Okay; I broke in a little," Johanna declared as she picked up her glass of juice. "I had no choice."
"That's against the law."
"Only if you get caught."
"And you didn't get caught?"
"No…but we did get accidentally locked in the building."
Kate laughed. "I bet Dad loved that."
"Oh yeah; he was thrilled."
"How did you get out?"
"We had to go down to the basement and pry a window open and climb out," Johanna replied. "He dropped me…"
Kate almost choked on her eggs. "He dropped you?" she laughed.
"Yeah…but he broke my fall."
"Oh my God; I wish someone had gotten this on film so I could watch it," her daughter declared. "What else did you do on your spy mission?"
Johanna swallowed a bite of her toast. "Well, I had found an address so we went to that apartment building to find out who lived there; we searched the mailbox but there wasn't any mail in it."
"That's also against the law," Kate stated.
"Only if you get caught," her mother replied once again. "I knocked on her door to find out who she was but she wasn't home."
"Probably lucky for her," she couldn't help but laugh.
"Perhaps. Then I had your father call a cousin of his at the phone company to trace a number for me."
"With no warrant."
Johanna waved a hand dismissively. "Sometimes you have to break the rules. Your father also picked the lock on the door of your grandfather's office once we got in the building…he also lied to a police officer that same night and told him I was his wife."
"I thought you didn't get caught!"
"We didn't; we had a fight during our stakeout and a cop came by and asked if there was a problem. Once Jim said I was his wife, the cop deemed it a personal matter and went on his way."
"How 1970s of him," Kate replied.
"Well it was the 1970s…1975 if you want to be exact…that was a hell of a year," she said wistfully.
"In what ways?" her daughter asked softly. "What was it about that year that made it so memorable?"
"Everything," Johanna breathed. "My sister got married; there was a lot of discord with my parents over the summer and I stayed away a good bit, my grandfather passed away…I had the best vacation of my life with the man I loved; and it was during that trip that I finally acknowledged to myself that I was indeed, madly in love with him. We grew so much closer that year; our first Valentine's Day together, his father's heart attack, vacation, the little detective/spy operation we went on, a trip to the hospital for me and him taking care of me until I recovered from a lung infection, and me returning the favor when he got sick…Christmas shopping together…; a disastrous New Years Eve; we had fun, we had fights, we supported each other, we pushed the boundaries; and those are just highlights," she said as a hundred different memories filled her mind. "Everything good in my life he made even better…and everything bad he swept away and made me smile again. It was the year of us…the unofficial us; but us none the less. It was the year when I knew for sure that I had found the person I was meant to spend my life with."
"Sounds like an action packed year," Kate replied; the tone of her mother's voice as she spoke longingly of those long ago days making her ache for her.
"It was so many things; so many feelings…there was sorrow and stress…and yet I think of it as one of my best years simply because he was there, because we were falling more and more in love and letting it show at times," she said, swallowing the lump that was growing in her throat. "There were times back then when I thought I had it bad," Johanna went on with a small laugh. "If I only knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have looked so bad in those dark spots."
Kate took a sip of coffee. "We all probably feel that way at on time or another."
"Most likely," Johanna said with a nod; blinking away the moisture that filled her eyes, her mind still sorting through memories of 1975.
Seeing that her mother was sinking under that black cloud as she retreated into her memories, Kate was anxious to get her mind back on conversation. "You didn't finish your story; you didn't tell me what happened with Grandpa."
Johanna shook away her thoughts and returned her attention to her daughter. "I found out he was going to be going with this woman to an exclusive club that catered to married men and their mistresses. You could only get in if you knew someone who could vouch for you…so I had your father find someone who could vouch for us so we could sneak in."
"You really were on a mission; weren't you?"
"Yes, I was," she replied; "And when we were at the club, I waited until my father was at his table alone and I confronted him."
"Was he having an affair?"
"No; not to the full extent of the definition, or so he claimed; but it seemed to be an emotional affair in a lot of ways. He did end it once he got busted though."
"I bet," Kate laughed. "I also bet he wasn't happy to see you show up there."
"No, he wasn't happy at all; and neither was I…but at least it put a stop to whatever he was gearing up for."
Her daughter shook her head, a smile clinging to her lips. "So let's see, there was breaking and entering, false statements to an officer, illegal searches, opening up someone else's mailbox; lying to seek access to get into an exclusive club…"
"In the midst of all that, your father also made the comment that I had the temperament to stage a hostage situation."
Kate nodded. "I can see that…maybe those words ought to come back and bite him though. Lock him a room here and tell him he can't come out until he's being himself again."
Johanna smiled softly. "The idea is tempting…I'm not going to rule it out."
"Sounds like a good idea…and since you have previous experience, maybe I'll take you with me on my next stakeout and see how good your detective skills still are," she teased.
"I'm game," her mother replied. "It's not like I have plans."
Kate reached across the table and patted her hand. "You'll have plans before long. Are you finished your breakfast?"
"Yeah, I'm done," Johanna said, her plate still mostly full. "Did your father say what he was going to be doing today?"
"No; but I'm sure he's going to be doing some thinking."
"You keep saying that like you're sure of it," she said as she eyed her.
Her daughter shrugged. "Just a feeling."
"Did you say something to him?"
"Why would you think that?"
"Because I know you."
"I didn't say anything more than usual," Kate told her; hoping that whatever came of her father's thought process wouldn't come back to bite her.
Johanna wasn't sure that she believed that but she appreciated the thought just the same. "Thank you," she murmured.
"For what?"
"For trying," she said simply. "I appreciate it…and I hope it doesn't cause any issues between the two of you."
"Dad and I are fine," Kate assured; "And I have faith that the two of you will be fine together too; just hang in there."
Her mother blew out a breath. "Seems like I spend a lot of time hanging on."
"Sometimes you don't have much choice."
"I know…come on, let's get the table cleared so we can get out of here; I don't want you to be too late for work," Johanna declared. "Maybe I can come up with a new plan during my time out today."
"Try to relax and enjoy yourself," Kate told her. "Maybe things will take care of themselves."
"That rarely ever happens, Katie…I'm going to have to think of a new approach where your father is concerned…and if that doesn't work…commit me because I'll probably be insane by then and it'll all be his fault."
"Just to make sure he's punished for it, I'll have him put away too."
Johanna smiled. "Thank you, I'd appreciate that."
"That's what daughters are for…or so I'm told," Kate replied as they scrapped the dishes and put them in the sink.
"That's true…and mothers always return the favor; so if you ever need someone taken care of or put in their place; you just let me know."
"I will; because you're good at telling people off," her daughter quipped.
Johanna nodded. "Well, like we said before, Beckett women get the job done; from the telling off to the place putting to the punching if necessary."
"We're a fearsome lot."
"That's right, the world should tremble in fear and men shouldn't dare cross us," Johanna declared while they moved through the apartment.
"And yet they do it anyway."
"Yeah; that's the only flaw in the plan," she sighed.
"We'll just have to work on it," Kate told her. "Come on; you've got a girls day with Martha waiting on you and I've got case work waiting on me…maybe things will look better tomorrow."
"We can only hope so," Johanna agreed as she fetched her purse. "And if I didn't tell you last night; thank you for arranging a change of venue for me today."
"No problem...you can owe me one."
"Let me know when you want to collect," she replied; thinking to herself that she probably owed her daughter a few hundred favors by now, but that wasn't a worry that gnawed at her; she'd find ways to repay Kate for all she had done and was still doing…it was the state of her marriage that kept her awake at night and she hoped that turmoil would end soon.
