A/N: I apologize for not getting to all the review replies for the last chapter. I had an out of state wedding that I was in, so things have been crazy for the past week.
Huge thanks, as always, to my pre-readers/betas: LyricalKris, Lellabeth, Twilightladies, and Twilly. I luff them!
SM owns all things Twilight. All mistakes are mine.
Chapter 9 - Painful
EPOV
My heart thumps in my chest as I hold Bella against me, her little bump pressing into my abdomen.
Our daughter.
Shit, I can't think like that. She's going to be someone else's. It fucking kills me, but I know it's the best thing.
It's not like I actually want a kid right now or am delusional enough to think I'm ready for one, but just knowing Bella is growing our child in her belly has awakened something in me that I didn't even know was there. I've always felt protective of Bella, but it's even stronger now. It extends to the tiny person inside her too.
Having her in my arms like this again is amazing. It fills me up with this feeling I can't even describe. It tingles through my whole body—this warmth. But as much as I want her back, I know I probably don't deserve her yet.
My friends always joked that she could do better than me when we got together, and I thought they were just being dickheads. Now I realize they were only half-joking, if at all.
Maybe I smoked too much with Jasper. Maybe I laughed off Lauren's and other girls' advances a few too many times. Maybe my anger got the best of me more often than not. Maybe I got too caught up in my video games and ignored the beauty lying on my bed just inches away too often. Maybe I let her spoil me too much, and I definitely didn't spoil her enough.
It would be nice if relationships came with a fucking manual. With Bella being my first real girlfriend, I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and I obviously didn't listen to her enough. I also ignored any advice I got from Emmett. His girlfriend's a bitch, so why would I want to model after them?
Of course, he and Rose are still together and have been for a long time, while Bella and I are… not.
I can't blame Bella for asking about Lauren, but fucking Rose. She should've just kept her damn mouth shut. It wasn't like I asked Lauren to come to my room. I'd gotten so drunk because I was upset about Bella, and I was almost to the point of blacking out when Lauren was doing whatever the hell she was doing to me. I remembered very little, and I only know for sure because I cornered her a couple of days later in the library. Of course she misinterpreted that, and I once again had to push her away. But she pouted and told me I didn't even get hard and nothing happened. I'd never been so relieved in my entire life.
The thing is, though… I should know when a girl's had her hands and mouth on me. Especially if it wasn't the girl I'm in love with.
I'm starting to think Bella's just too good for me, but I still want to try. I still want to deserve her.
Someday.
Bella squirms a bit in my arms, and I only tighten my hold on her.
I'm not ready to let her go yet.
Running my fingers down her spine as I hold her, I move my hand to the swell of her ass and squeeze, making her moan and hitch her leg up over my hip. I grasp her thigh and then glide my hand down to the back of her knee, pulling her even closer and dropping my head to skim my nose up her neck.
She still uses the same coconut-scented lotion and shampoo she's always used.
She smells like heaven, and I can't help but press my lips just beneath her ear.
"Edward…" It's both a plea and a warning.
"Shhh. Just let me love you," I murmur against her soft skin. "Just for a little while."
Pulling my head back, I look deeply into her brown eyes. They're shining with unshed tears, and my own eyes sting with the emotion welling up in me.
"Just for a little while," I repeat, moving forward and nudging her nose with mine.
Our lips meet again hotly, opening to each other and letting our tongues taste. Bella emits a little whimper, pulling at me with her hands on my neck the same way she has since the first time we ever kissed, and I'm lost to her.
If she lets me have her like this again and then pulls away, it might kill me. But I want it too much to care.
I start to roll her to her back, but she quickly breaks out of my hold and scoots away from me. My heart crashes against my ribcage as I look at her sitting there with both hands resting on her belly. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"
Bella shakes her head and gives me what I can only describe as a bashful look. "We can't… do it that way," she mumbles. "You'll have to get behind me, or I need to be on top."
Relief washes over me, and the light bulb finally goes off. "Oh. Okay, no problem," I say with a wink and a smile.
Bella snorts at me, amused. "Yeah, I'm sure it's not."
"So? Lady's choice."
Chewing on her bottom lip, she tilts her head to the side, scrutinizing me. "I think I want to be on top."
Smirking at her, I quickly shed the rest of my clothes and lie down in the middle of the bed with my hands behind my head.
Bella's dark eyes roam up and down my body, and she licks her lips before moving closer and finally straddling me.
"Do you have a condom in your wallet?" she asks as her hands come to rest on my ribs.
I nod at her but put my hands on her hips to still her when she moves to get it. "Do we, um…" I swallow hard. "Do we really need one? I mean, you're already pregnant."
I'm not trying to make a joke. I just want to feel all of her, especially if this is the last time. I'm not holding my breath that she'll go for the friends-with-benefits thing. Mostly because it's a lie. There's no way I could keep my real feelings out of it.
"Edward," she says softly. "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable without one. It's been months since we broke up. It's not like I expect you to be celibate." She's looking down at her hands now, which are twisting nervously on top of her bump.
"Bella, I know I haven't given you reason to trust me. I should have told you about the incident with Lauren, but since nothing actually happened, I didn't think you needed to know. I get why it bothers you even though we were broken up. I do," I emphasize. "I wanted to rip Riley's nuts off just for talking to you that night in the kitchen."
She glances up at me. "I heard you punched him." Disappointment at my hot-headedness swims in her eyes, but she has no idea what that douchebag's really like.
"And I'd do it again in a fucking heartbeat for talking about you like that." Just thinking about it makes my blood boil again.
Her eyebrows furrow as an adorable, confused look takes over her face. "Like what?"
"It doesn't matter." I shake my head. "He was being disrespectful, and I shut him up. Let's leave it at that."
Bella sighs, and I squeeze her hips, my fingers pressing into her soft flesh.
"I haven't been with anyone since you. I swear."
At her incredulous look, I throw up the trusty scout's honor sign with my hand, and she giggles.
"And I got tested after… you know."
"No one?"
"No."
"Not even a hand job?"
"Only from myself."
One side of her mouth tilts up. "I haven't been with anyone else either. That's probably obvious, but… Anyway." She gives me a weak smile, and I reach up to cup her cheek.
I want to say, "good", but that doesn't seem appropriate. And I'm trying really hard not to be an asshole.
"Okay. So…"
"So…"
Bella looks right into my eyes as she begins moving her hips and sliding along my cock, which is painfully hard now. The girl I love has been naked for at least the last half hour and sitting on my cock for the last few minutes. And I have been celibate, so yeah… painful.
I slide my hand from her cheek to her neck, to her shoulder, her skin so soft and familiar. I let my fingers trace her collarbone as she moves. Groaning at the friction, I continue down to her breasts, which are a lot bigger than I remember. I move my other hand up so I can cup them both, feeling the extra weight, squeezing.
God, I love these.
"I know," she murmurs, closing her eyes as I play with her nipples the way she loves.
Evidently this girl renders my brain-to-mouth filter useless.
Bella arches forward suddenly, lifting her hips a bit and pressing into my hands, and I moan, moving to squeeze her tits again, when I suddenly feel her hand on my cock. She's reached behind herself and grasped me to line up with her entrance.
God, help me.
As she begins to ease down on me, my neck arches, and my head presses hard into the pillow, my eyes clenching shut.
It feels like it's been forever since I've felt her like this.
Her wet heat pulls me in, and she's so fucking tight around me.
"Fuuuck," we both draw out as she sinks down—hers breathy, mine gritty.
Her hands press down on my chest, branding me, and I want to keep their imprint there forever.
When she's fully seated on me, she lets out a heavy, shuddering exhale, and I groan loud and long because she's already so damn tight, but she squeezes around me, and fuck.
I lock my gaze with hers as she slides up my shaft and back down in a long, slow stroke. Her lips part to release breathy moans as she does it again… and again… and again. Slide up… sink down… She tilts her hips back and forth as she lifts and drops, and it works my cock inside her fucking perfectly.
Bella's heavy tits sway in front of my face as she moves her hands to either side of my head. This brings her face closer too, and I reach up to run my thumb across her plump bottom lip, hoping she'll kiss me again.
She does, her eyes fluttering closed as she leans down. Sweet and slow. Tongues licking and stroking. Her hips continue to roll, and what little concentration I can muster is being put toward not blowing my load too soon.
Pulling back again, she keeps her eyes closed for a moment, and when they reopen, I can see her love for me. It's right there.
How did I not pay attention before?
I knew she cared about me, probably suspected she loved me, but I never really thought about it.
Damn, I really was an idiot.
Still am. But I'll keep trying not to be.
Whether we keep the baby or not, I still want to be with her.
She needs time, though, and I'll give it to her.
I just hope it's not forever.
Speeding her movements, Bella bites her bottom lip and shudders, and I know that means she's made me hit her g-spot just right.
I move my hands down to grip her outer thighs, but as much as I want to sit up and take control, I don't. I let her fuck me, let her use me to hit that spot and chase her orgasm.
Rubbing heavy circles against her clit with my thumb, I watch her face contort, her teeth sinking even deeper into her lip as she whimpers and squeezes her eyes shut.
I know she's close.
I know her.
Love her.
She might forgive me someday, but I'll never forgive myself for the ways I've hurt her.
Those thoughts drain from my head as she begins to pulse and ripple around me, and my balls tighten. I'm going to come any second.
She feels too goddamn good.
I continue circling my thumb around her slick, swollen clit, and she squeaks out, "Close," clamping down on me less than a minute later.
I don't want this to end, but I can't hold on. Grasping her hips tightly, I thrust up into her as she rides out her orgasm, scratching her nails down my chest and making me grunt at the pleasurable pain. The warm and tight and wet overwhelm me until I empty myself into her completely.
Spent and panting, I hold her as she stays on top of me for a moment, resting her head on my shoulder, puffing hot air against my neck. I glide my hands up and down her back until she moves to sit up.
"I should… go get cleaned up," she says without looking at me.
My heart clenches as she pulls away, both physically and emotionally. It's pretty obvious she's trying to close herself back off and take back the part of herself she gave me for the past couple of hours.
"Yeah. Um… me too, I guess." I'd much rather stay buried in her for the foreseeable future, but clearly that's not an option. Reluctantly removing my arms from around her, I sigh as the warmth of her body leaves me completely. It leaves me so cold, and I can already tell she's regretting this.
I run my hand down my face and stare at the ceiling while I wait for her to emerge from the bathroom.
Please don't let her regret this.
That thought runs in a loop in my head until I realize several minutes have passed.
When it's clear she's not coming back into her room, I decide I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal.
After taking one good whiff of her pillow, I get up to find my clothes. Although it's the last thing I want to do right now, I know I have to give her the space she needs.
Thank you for reading!
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