Chapter 9
Anna walked down the pathway towards Downton Abbey. It had been three days since she had seen John. She knew he was upset about the kiss they had almost shared on their picnic. She took a second to admit that at first she hadn't been sure how to feel about it, but having had three days to think about it she realized she had wanted John to kiss her. It had felt right. She didn't know why he was avoiding her. If they couldn't talk like two grown adults, what success would they have in trying to make this relationship work? She might never get her memories back, which meant starting over. She was willing to do that, even without her memories she knew how much she cared about John, and she wanted to try and build on those feelings. She couldn't do that if he continued to avoid her out of some sense of misplaced pride and embarrassment. So here she was heading to the main house to track him down. She hadn't been back since her accident, but she knew it was time to see everyone. To let them know that she was fine-that she was going to be fine. His lordship had told her to take as much time as she needed, but she had realized last night she might not ever be back to work at Downton, not with the baby due in a few months. Even so, she also wanted to get back to a sense of normalcy and the first step was going up to the main house to show everyone that she was fine. Truth be told she wanted to show John she was fine. She had to show him that she wasn't a fragile flower that would crumble because they had shared a moment of intimacy.
She took a deep breath as she reached the servants door. She was surprised that there was no one outside; usually you could always find one person out smoking or trying to catch a moment of fresh air and quiet before they were rushing off to see to the needs of the family. She reached for the door and before she could think too much, she pushed it open and walked in. She started down the hallway and was quickly stopped by a female voice.
"Anna? Is that you?"
Anna turned to look, and smiled as she saw Mrs. Hughes come out of her sitting room. The older woman was smiling broadly.
"It is Mrs. Hughes. I thought it was about time I made my way to the main house, to let everyone know that I was okay."
"Well I am certainly glad you did. Would you like to come in and sit for moment and tell me how you have been?"
Anna thought for a second before nodding. It would be nice to start her journey back with a friendly and familiar face. 'That actually sounds perfect."
Anna followed Mrs. Hughes into her sitting room and sat down in one of the chairs. She watched as the older woman prepared the kettle for tea, and then sat on the chair adjacent to her. "I must say Anna it is very nice to see you out and about. We have missed you around here."
Anna smiled, "Thank you Mrs. Hughes. I am sorry I haven't come up sooner; everything has just been so overwhelming. It's hard enough knowing I can't remember the last nine years, but to also be married and ex-" Anna stopped, she wasn't sure if Mrs. Hughes or anyone else for that matter knew about the baby and she really didn't want to discuss that anyway. "It's just been difficult."
Mrs. Hughes nodded, "I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through Anna. I just want you to know that there is nothing expected of you right now. You can take as long as you need."
Anna nodded. "Mrs. Hughes, one of the reasons I came up here today was to see John-I mean Mr. Bates. Do you know where he is?"
Mrs. Hughes shook her head, "He has been keeping to himself the last few days. He does his duties then spends the rest of the time by himself. He comes down for meals, eats then goes to his room or someplace else equally quiet. I tried to speak to him, but he just said he was fine."
Anna shook her head. "I am afraid that he is avoiding me. Something happened a few days ago and ever since then he hasn't been to the cottage at all. He thinks he has offended me, and he is trying to be noble and protect me." Anna stopped for a moment as a flash of memory invaded her senses. She was outside crying, arguing with John, reaching for his arm. He was upset too, walking away from her. She tried to grasp onto the memory, trying to remember more but it was gone almost as quickly as it came.
Mrs. Hughes noticed as Anna grew silent and watched as the young woman seemed to struggle with something. "Anna, are you okay?"
Anna blinked and focused on Mrs. Hughes. "I'm sorry, this keeps on happening. I keep on having these little flashes of memory. This time I remember an argument with Mr. Bates, and he kept on trying to leave, but I seemed to be asking him to stay."
Mrs. Hughes nodded, "That sounds like the night Mr. Bates left us, when his wife showed up demanding he leave with her."
"Yes, we talked about her a few days ago. I know he left, that he left me because Vera was blackmailing him. I just hadn't remembered any of it, until now."
"Well that seems to be a good sign, that you are remembering some of the things you have been through these past nine years."
"It has, but it is also frustrating because I want to remember more. I want to remember my life with Mr. Bates. Our wedding, the walks we have taken and the laughs we have shared. I know it must have been wonderful, because even without my memories, I feel so happy when I am with him. Then the other night for a few moments we grew closer and I am afraid that now he thinks he took advantage of me, but he didn't. I just want to tell him that, but now he is avoiding me."
Mrs. Hughes smiled. She had always had a special place in her heart for Mr. Bates and Anna. She had watched their love blossom over the years and she had been heartbroken when she had heard about Anna not remembering their love. She knew it was taking its toll on Mr. Bates too. She understood why he was keeping to himself, and as much as she wanted to be there for the valet, she knew he was a private man. Well maybe she could be there for Anna.
"Anna, I don't want to overstep my boundaries, and if I am speaking out of turn please let me know. I just want to say try and be patient with Mr. Bates. These past few weeks have been very difficult for him. I was with him when he heard about your accident, when we thought you hadn't survived. I have never seen a person so broken. Then to find out you were alive, only to discover that your memory was gone, well I can't imagine how that must be; for both of you. He got you back, but in a way you are still gone to him. All the things he is used to doing with you he can't do, he has had nine years of loving you and now he has to stop himself from doing the things that to him are the most natural things in the world. I imagine he is just trying to cope with everything."
Anna thought about all that Mrs. Hughes had shared with her. Of course she was right. She knew John meant well and that he just wanted what was best for her. He just didn't realize that what was best for her was spending time with him and that she wasn't going to fall apart on him. He didn't have to protect her, he could be himself and she wanted him to show her how their relationship had been. These past few days without him had made her realize how much she really cared for him. She may not be ready to be a wife in every sense of the word, but she wanted to move forward and she wanted to do that with him.
"Thank you Mrs. Hughes, you have given me a lot to think about. I think the most important thing is to find Mr. Bates and talk to him. To tell him how I am feeling." Anna stood up and walked to the door, turning as Mrs. Hughes walked up to her. She touched Anna on the arm.
"It was good to see you Anna, please know that I am always here if you need to talk."
Anna smiled, "Thank you Mrs. Hughes."
John knew he was being unfair to Anna. He should have been back to visit her by now. He just didn't know what to say. He knew he had to apologize for taking advantage of the situation. He didn't want Anna to think he couldn't control himself. It was a struggle to always keep himself in check, to fight all the urges he hadn't had to fight since they were married. It took all his strength to not take her in his arms every time he saw her. It was why he tried to never let his guard down, so he didn't lose control. He sighed; it was all so damn hard. He loved Anna so much, loved this baby they were going to have. They should be painting the nursery, trying to pick out names, cooking meals together, discussing their favorite books as they settled into bed for the night. His thoughts were interrupted as he heard a branch crack. He turned at the sound and his heart nearly stopped at the sight before him.
"Anna? How did you find me?"
Anna had first gone up to the attic to see if he was in his room, when she realized he wasn't there or in the courtyard, she decided to walk the grounds and try to find him. She had been about to give up, she had noticed that the clouds were gathering in the sky and she could tell a storm was coming. She had been walking for about an hour when she came across him in the garden. He was sitting on a bench, almost hidden by the foliage; she might have walked on by if she hadn't seen his cane set against a tree.
"One thing I do remember about you is that you always liked your solitude, so when you weren't in your room or in the courtyard the next logical choice was the garden."
He stood up; he had hoped he would have had time to prepare what he wanted to say. "Anna, I-" He stopped when he saw Anna hold up her hand.
"John, its time I did some talking. It seems like you have done a lot of it these past few weeks, and don't get me wrong, I have loved every minute of it, but I think by not speaking up I have given you the wrong impression. I think you have gotten the impression that I am so overwhelmed by everything and that I am ready to break at any moment and if you make one misstep I will crumble. I think you should know that I won't. Yes everything is overwhelming and yes sometimes I feel like a good cry is the only thing that will make me feel better, but what I need more than anything is for you not to go away again, to not disappear like you have for these past three days.
John let out a laugh, "You said something like that to me once before. I promised you I wouldn't leave you again. That you were stuck with me. For good and proper."
"So why did you disappear these past few days then?"
John looked at Anna, and smiled at the fierceness in her eyes. It reminded him of the old Anna, the one who never gave up on him. Even now, she was the one fighting for them; again. He cursed himself for letting his fears get in the way again. "I'm sorry, Anna. After the other night, I panicked. I was afraid I had made you uncomfortable, that I was pushing things too soon. The last thing I want is for you to think that I can't control myself. I am more than happy to just sit and spend time with you."
Anna sighed in exasperation. "John did you ever think that the one thing I wanted was for you to show how much you care? I am not a fragile piece of glass that is going to break because you kiss me. That maybe what I need to remember our connection is that intimacy? That it's what I want, and when and if it does get to be too much, then I am strong enough to tell you that it is too much?"
"I just didn't think you were—"
Anna sighed in frustration. "That's the point, John. You can't think for me. I can think for myself you know. I may not have my memories, but I still have my brain, and it is more than capable of deciding what I want to do. What I am ready to do." She walked over to the tree he was standing under and looked up into his warm green eyes. She reached up and touched his face.
John sighed and turned into her touch. Her hand was soft and warm. He reached for her palm and placed a kiss there. "Oh Anna, I have been a fool. I was only thinking of ways to protect you that I never thought about the fact that I was taking away your ability to decide what you wanted in this relationship."
Anna smiled, "It may take years to get all my memories back, and I don't want to wait that long to do this."
John started to speak, "Do what?" He stopped as Anna stood on her toes and leaned up and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. John didn't respond for a moment, but the passion of the moment overcame the shock and he pressed his lips firmly on hers. It was brief, but Anna had made her feelings known. This was what she wanted.
Anna smiled at John, "See I didn't wilt did I?"
Before John could speak, a flash of lightening lit up the sky, followed quickly by a clap of thunder. They both jumped at the noise and looked up at the sky, they had be so immersed in their discussion neither one had noticed the storm had finally arrived on their door step. In the next moment the clouds burst open and rain began pouring on them.
John grabbed Anna's arm, "We better run for cover, this storm sounds like it is going to be a strong one."
Anna began to speak when a huge light filled the sky followed by a huge cracking sound, she looked up as a huge branch came falling from the tree towards her. She was frozen in the spot. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. She heard John yell her name and felt him push her out of the way. As she fell to the ground she saw the branch hit him and screamed as he fell to the ground; silent and unmoving. She stood up and ran over to where he was lying. She fell to her knees. "John! John! Wake up!" She shook him, but he wouldn't move. She touched his head and started sobbing as her hand came away red with blood. She had to get help. She stood up and ran out of the garden, crossing the expansive lawn and running to the front door. It only took her minutes but it felt like hours. She pushed open the door and ran straight into the back of a shocked Lord Gratham. He turned to look at her, and saw the state she was in. He grasped her shoulder.
"Anna, what is it?"
She couldn't control her breathing or the sobs that were coming out of her body. "It's John, there was an accident and there is so much blood and he isn't moving." That was as far as she got as a horrible pain shot through her head and she felt herself falling. Then it was dark.
I'm sorry! Just remember the title of the story. As always reviews are always welcome and appreciated. Your kind words have meant so much to me!
