Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.
A/N- Your response to the last chapter totally blew me away. Thank you so much to everyone that has read, reviewed, recommended, and cried over this story. The list of 'no read zones' is getting longer, I love seeing the different places where people read boy lovin'!
These boys are so dear to me, and I can't express how much I appreciate the support they've gotten. This chapter is a bit angsty, slight tissue warning, but there's a first date flashback to keep you going.
Thanks to OfTheTurningAway for her beta on this chapter.
Hugs to Dannie, who read this chapter numerous times even though she felt like shit. Get well soon, bb!
Now Jasper pov
"**~~**"
If on a winter's night I hadn't given him my heart…
"**~~**"
He just…let me hold him.
For what seemed like hours, I held him as he sobbed into my neck. With each breath of his that caressed and warmed my damp skin, I felt the anger fade from his body, leaving a powerful grief behind in its wake. Grief that overwhelmed his already weakened body, sending waves of anguish through him, his upper body shaking and trembling as he clung to me with every ounce of strength he had left. His fingers clutched my shirt, occasionally wandering to the end of my curls, as if to remind himself I was really there. When I felt his grip loosen, I tightened my own. I wasn't going to let him leave my arms…ever again.
No matter what he said or how hard he hit me, I wasn't going anywhere.
Wrapped in my arms, he let me support his weight, my own body tiring quickly from my lack of sleep. With every breath I took, a sharp pain coursed through my chest, radiating around to my back. I didn't have to be a doctor to know a rib was cracked, maybe even broken, but it didn't matter.
I would suffer through much more than a broken rib if it helped Edward.
The collar of my shirt was soaked from Edward's release. My own tears rolled steadily down my cheeks and onto his hair, his soft, filthy, beautiful hair. I kissed his head and held him even tighter. Blunt nails dug into my skin, surely leaving marks behind, but the pain paled in comparison to my rib. In my own way, I tried to take away his pain and replace it with my love, our love. Hurtful words had been said and then were forgotten.
I tried to shoulder the burden of his injury, of his future, wanting nothing else than to let him know he wasn't alone.
And he never would be again.
All he had to do was let me in.
I never should have left him broken to begin with, I should have pushed harder, sooner, but when I look back, I know neither of us had been ready. We needed to mourn his loss in our own way, and I knew we were far from done. He was there in my arms again, but I knew it was for only a brief time until he rebuilt the walls. His withdrawal mirrored my own and scared the shit out of me. I needed to do something to break him free of the numbness and darkness that had threatened to drag him under forever, because if it dragged him, it was going to take me with it.
As his sobs weakened to the occasional gasp and sniffle, I felt his breaths begin to even out, his body melting to mine, letting me support him completely in his unnatural position. His knees were digging into my ribs, but I knew he had no idea that they were. My body screamed at me to move away, to ease the burn, but I only moved closer. When I flinched, he felt it.
"You're hurt," he sighed, his voice rough.
"I'm fine."
I heard someone walk by his door and Edward stiffened. When he attempted to pull back, I held him to me.
"They might see," he mumbled into my neck, relaxing back into my embrace, his fingers fisting my tee shirt even tighter.
"I don't care. Let them see," I whispered.
"Alice…" he began but didn't finish, and I didn't ask. The room darkened around us, the last shreds of daylight bowing behind the trees. My arms were stiff from the effort of holding him so tight and my entire body ached, but I didn't move, and neither did Edward. Closing my eyes, I rocked us slightly side to side. Softly, for his ears only, I began to sing.
"Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let me into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders"
His hair tickled my lips as they moved against his head. I sang every Beatles song I knew the words to, keeping him in my embrace the entire time, his head on my shoulder, my lips in his hair. A steady, moist breath brushed over my collarbone and I felt his hold on my tee shirt loosen. When I began to sing "Here Comes the Sun", I heard a soft snore come from him. Pausing, I lifted my head from his and looked down at him.
He was asleep.
His lips were parted, his cheeks stained with the tracks of his tears, his eyes red and puffy, his wet eyelashes clumped together.
He was so beautiful.
As slowly and carefully as I could, I released him with one arm and slid it under his knees. With one arm still around his back and the other under his legs, I took a deep, agonizing breath.
"Hold on to me, baby," I murmured before using my legs and pushing us upright. Both my legs had fallen asleep and filled with the familiar pins and needles as soon as I moved. "Fuck," I hissed when his body weight pressed against my chest. I clenched my jaw and exhaled. Once I was standing, I stopped, making sure he was still asleep and to steady myself. His head was still resting on my shoulder, his body slumped against me. Edward was almost my height and weighed more than I did, having built up more muscle playing basketball than I did running. He was not easy to carry.
Yet, I'd never lifted anything lighter.
Lifting my foot, I pushed his chair out of the way before taking the few but long steps to his bed. When I felt the edge of it against my shins, I went to set him down but paused.
I didn't want to let him go so soon.
He was warm, and even with the strain on my body, he felt so good in my arms. His head lolled on my shoulder and I leaned mine down, brushing my lips across his once. Holding him firmly, I leaned over his bed and slowly lowered him onto it. My body screamed in pain, my rib cracking as I placed him on the bed. Limply his head fell back onto his pillow and I slid my arms out from under him. His legs were twisted awkwardly and I lifted them, placing them side by side before I grabbed his blanket and pulled it up to his chest. Standing over him, I watched him sleep peacefully. I brushed his hair off his forehead, running my hands through it just once.
He was still my beautiful boy.
My chest began to heave, my body gave out and I fell to my knees. Using the bed to catch me, I fell against it, folding my arms and burying my head in them to muffle the sound as the sobs that Edward had released earlier now claimed me. Each one that wracked my body took away some of the frustration and uselessness I had felt over the past few weeks, but nothing could take away the misery I felt for him. How could something like this happen to such a wonderful person? He had asked why him, why us, and I shared his confusion.
Why him?
Why not me?
Every breath hurt more than the last and I tried in vain to control it. Instead, the pain emptied from me, ebbing in potent surges until finally there was nothing left inside me but my love for him. Lifting my head, I dried my eyes with his blanket. When I went to take a deep breath, my lungs revolted with a piercing pain. Gingerly, I stood up and went to his door, opening it a bit before peeking outside. The hall was clear and I crossed it into their bathroom. My father was in the process of redoing their bathroom to make it easier for Edward. He had already widened the doorway and replaced the bathtub with a large shower that Edward could wheel his chair into. Inside the shower was a white plastic chair and handrails on the wall. The tile floor had been torn up and the vanity still needed to be replaced with one that Edward could pull up to, and the mirror had to be lowered. Closing the door, I went to the vanity, opening every drawer, shuffling through them all.
There was a doctor in the house, they had to have what I was looking for. Squatting, I gasped at the burn when I leaned forward to look in the last drawer.
"Fucking finally." I grabbed the gauze wrap and stood up, pulling off my tee shirt and tossing it on the counter. "Holy shit," I mumbled when I saw my reflection.
My abdomen and sides were covered in bruises, deep purple, blues and yellows mingled together, blending seamlessly into each other.
My boy could pack a punch.
The darkest bruise ran along the rib that was cracked, which I almost expected to see protruding from me. My fingers skimmed along the bruises, and I found myself smiling in satisfaction. Each and every one had been worth it. Unrolling some gauze, I reached around behind me and began to wrap it around my chest, concentrating where I suspected the cracked rib was. The gauze offered some support and made it slightly easier to breathe, but it still hurt like hell. I used the entire roll, tucking the ends in when I was done. After putting my tee shirt back on, I snuck back into Edward's room.
He was still sleeping, his head turned the side a bit, his mouth open as he snored quietly. Sitting in his wheelchair, I put my feet up on his bed and just watched him. What I really wanted to do was climb into bed with him, lay next to him, pull him into my arms and continue to hold him, but if we got caught, he'd never forgive me.
I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to close my eyes, but they fluttered closed despite my effort. My last conscious image was of a sleeping Edward turning his head toward me, a slight smile on his lips.
"You mean a date?" he whispered harshly into his phone. From the other end, I heard his door close.
"Yes, Edward, a date," I sighed. "I am asking you on a date, will you let me take you out?"
I sat on my bed, absently picking at the lint on the comforter. He was quiet as he considered my question.
"A date," he repeated for the third time.
"Is it so hard to believe that I want to take you out? Are you worried about the kiss afterward? Because we've already done that, and it was wonderful," I reminded him with a smile. I could practically see his blush. "You are my boyfriend, right?"
It had been a week since I had kissed him in the pool that fateful evening. Since then, we had only dared to kiss one more time, but it had been for over an hour in his bedroom a few days later when his family was out. Our lips had met over and over, in light, teasing kisses and in deep, tongue fucking kisses. Our tongues had explored and tasted lips, jaws, and necks. Even though I had initiated our first kiss, it was Edward who had more experience. My lips had never touched anything besides my mother's cheek and the back of my own hand. Edward had been with Bella, and they had done a hell of a lot more than kiss.
When he had pulled away, I ran my hands through his hair and asked him if he'd be my boyfriend. With wide eyes that dazzled me and a silly grin on his face, he'd nodded, mumbling yes before he kissed me again.
"Yes, of course," he sighed. "I just…I never thought about… like a date?"
"Just say yes, baby."
"Baby?"
"Oh, sorry," I muttered, swearing at myself for the slip. In my fantasies, I called him by his pet name but I'd never said it aloud to him.
"I like it," he admitted in a soft voice. "I need one for you though."
"Stud? Boytoy? Fuckhot boyfriend?" I offered. "Any of those will do."
"I was thinking more like sweetheart, sugar or honey," he countered.
"Not nearly as sexy," I chuckled. "So, the date, Edward? Yes or no?"
If he was trying to hide the fact he was grinning, he failed. "Yes, I'll go out with you," he finally answered.
"I sense a but."
"But," he continued, "I'm not ready for anyone to know, our parents, friends…Bella."
"I understand. I'm okay with that, I'm not in a rush," I agreed eagerly, my heart pounding and my stomach doing flip flops over his answer.
The boy of my dreams was going to go out on a date with me.
Now I had to decide where to take him.
"When?"
"Friday night, I'll pick you up at seven."
"Ummm…"
"Fine, I'll meet you there."
"Where?"
"I don't know yet, I'll let you know."
"Okay. I need to find something to wear," he said, only half joking.
"You mean you own something besides Beatles tee shirts?"
"Shut up, asshole," he teased. I lay back on my bed, my mind swimming with date ideas, my heart swelling more with every word he said. We talked for about an hour, our banter going back and forth until I heard him yawn.
"Go to bed, I'll see you tomorrow," I yawned. Fucking things were contagious.
"Okay, night, Jasper."
"Night…baby. Be safe for me."
"See ya soon."
I spent the next two days avoiding his pestering questions about where I was taking him while trying to think of someplace special. He sent me text messages while I was work, left voice mail in the middle of night, all inquiring about the date location. It was fucking cuter than hell.
Forks wasn't exactly thriving with nightlife for teenagers, especially gay ones. Even though I wanted to scream to everyone that he'd said yes, I kept our secret, and after awhile began to enjoy it. To everyone else the casual touches and looks were nothing, but they each meant something to me. The longing looks while we ate dinner with his parents meant 'I can't wait to get you alone later', while the brushes of his arm the kitchen as we did the dishes meant 'you're mine'. Since I knew I couldn't exactly take him out and parade him around publically for our date, I had to find someplace private or we would just end up acting like the best friends we were to the outside world.
Friday arrived, and I woke up way fucking earlier than I should have. My eyes snapped open when I realized my phone was ringing. Blindly, I felt for my phone and brought it to my ear as I rolled over onto my side.
"'Ello?" I mumbled.
"Have you decided yet?" he asked cheerily, and wide fucking awake.
"Edward?"
"Do your other boyfriends call you at seven in the morning?"
"Not if they want to live, they don't."
"Come on, it's a beautiful day, and we have a date tonight."
My mood instantly brightened.
"It's Friday," I stated.
"My boyfriend, Mr. Einstein," he chuckled.
"Fuck you."
"Definitely someday, but until then, where are we going?"
Sighing, I grinned and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. "It's a surprise, baby. Meet me at the movie theater at six."
"What movie are we seeing? Can I get popcorn?"
"I never said we were seeing a movie, just meet me there."
"Fine," he huffed. "I really want popcorn though. With butter."
"I know you do. And you will eat all the good buttered pieces off the top and leave the rest for me."
Laughing, he agreed. "Well, yeah, got a problem with that?"
"Not at all."
And I really didn't.
"So what should I wear?"
"Something sexy, baby," I moaned.
"Say that again?" he said breathlessly.
"Something sexy, baby," I repeated in a low, sleepy voice.
"God damn. Okay, um, I have to go, Jasper. I have to…get ready to help my dad…do something."
My own hand was wandering down my body. Edward's voice was making my usual morning wood a lot harder.
"Have fun with that, baby. Think of me while you're…working. I know I will be thinking of you while I get ready for work."
"Shit. Fuck, Jasper. Don't put those images in my head." I could envision his blush. "See ya."
"Bye, baby. Be safe."
I spent the day helping my dad on a job site, lugging around tools and wood, but he bought me lunch and paid me thirty dollars in cash. As soon as I was done, I ran to the store and picked up what I needed for my date with Edward. Once I was home, I took a nice long, hot shower. I thought it best to jerk off before seeing Edward so I wasn't sporting a fucking hard on the entire date.
After coming once to the image of him lying naked on my bed, his legs spread while his hand ran over his body, I finished lathering up my hair. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Edward in the shower with me, watching me. By the time I was rinsing my hair, I was fucking hard again.
"Fuck it," I sighed as my fingers wrapped around my dick and I jerked off again, this time to Edward looking up at me from his knees. My cock wasn't even in his mouth and I was grunting as my cum sprayed the shower walls. Jesus, if I came before he'd even touched me in my fantasy, I was never going to last when the real thing happened.
I dressed in jeans and my favorite tee shirt and then packed a backpack of supplies before heading downstairs.
"Going out?" my father asked when I passed him in the kitchen.
"Yeah, heading to the movies with Edward and some other guys," I lied.
Part of me felt bad about lying to my parents, I had never really lied before. Maybe the occasional pretending to be sick to get out of school but that had been it. But for the past year, I had been harboring a huge secret from them, and now I was dragging Edward into the closet with me.
It just wasn't time to tell them.
Especially about Edward.
He eyed me as I grabbed food from the fridge and stuffed it in a small cooler I had on the floor.
"In case we get thirsty," I shrugged, holding up two Cokes.
"And hungry apparently," he commented when I tossed some grapes in. He raised a brow but let me continue uninterrupted. Closing the door with my foot, I put the backpack on and gave him a wave.
"Be back later."
"Bye, have fun."
Oh, I planned to.
When I walked up to the theater, Edward was already there. He looked amazing. Edward would look hot even in a garbage bag, but in jeans and a white button down shirt, he stole my breath. He pushed off the wall when he saw me and my heart leapt when I saw his smile grow bigger and his eyes shine more.
"Hey," he greeted, casual to everyone else, but so personal to me.
"Hey. Ready?"
He nodded, but looked longingly at the candy counter.
"Next time, I promise. With lots of butter," I laughed, nudging his side with my elbow. "Where's your car?"
We walked to his car and then I gave him instructions on where to go, ignoring his questions about what was in the bag and cooler. When I had him pull over to the side of the road, he turned the car off and I saw his brows knit together.
"Hey, this is-"
"Yep, let's go."
We got out and I led him to the entrance. He followed me on the narrow path, and while I was sure he knew where we were going, he never said anything, not even more questions. About half an hour later we exited the forest and entered the meadow.
About a week after school had gotten out Edward had had an urge to go hiking and dragged me along. I complained the entire time, but had no problem following his sweet ass as he climbed over fallen trees. It was by accident that we had found a meadow in the middle of the forest, a safe haven of sorts. When I had been trying to pick a place for our first date, someplace where we could be alone, the meadow seemed perfect.
Dusk settled around us, the sun casting purples and pinks low across the sky. I stopped in the middle of the field of wildflowers and turned to him with a grin on my face.
I was pretty fucking proud of myself.
"So?" I asked anxiously when he was quiet. Maybe he thought it was corny or stupid. Maybe he really did want that popcorn.
His eyes skimmed the meadow, the flowers and tree line before landing on me. Two strides later, I was in his arms as his lips crashed into mine in a breathtaking kiss. The cooler fell from my hands when I moved them to his hair, pulling him even closer. His tongue swept across mine, coaxing his way deeper briefly before retreating and tracing my lips. I missed his touch when he pulled away.
"Wow," I gasped. "A 'gee this is nice' would have done."
"No, it wouldn't have, because this is perfect."
I couldn't help but grin like a fool.
"There's more," I told him. Breaking free of his hold, I took the backpack off and opened it up, pulling out a blanket. He took it from me and spread it out while I emptied my bag. We sat down, our legs stretched out in front of us, our shoulders touching and our pinkie fingers entwined as we watched the sunset.
Sighing, he leaned his head on my shoulder.
"It's beautiful."
"You're beautiful," I said, kissing his hair. "Mmm, smells so good."
"I used some of my mom's shampoo."
"And you call me a girl."
I kissed him again. The sun lowered, leaving a night sky behind, and the meadow grew darker. I reached for the battery lantern and turned it on.
"What, no candles?" he teased.
"I wanted candles, but I didn't want to piss off Smokey the Bear."
"Good thinking. We don't need any pissed off bears."
I grabbed the cooler and opened it, pulling out our dinner and the Cokes. Feeling sillier by the second as he watched me set it all up, I bit my lip.
"This is stupid, huh?" I sighed, looking over the spread of chips, grapes and peanut butter and Fluff sandwiches, complete with paper plates and napkins. Smiling, he cupped my cheek with his hand.
"Not stupid at all, very romantic," he assured me.
"I just wanted it to be special. You've done all this first date shit with Bella and I…I just wanted it to be as good."
"It's better, Jasper, because it's you."
He always knew the right thing to say. It was like his superhero power or something.
"Well, eat up," I motioned to the food. He grabbed a sandwich and Coke as he crossed his legs in front of him. "I can't believe you'd never had peanut butter and Fluff until last week. It's like a staple food. Should have its own fucking food group. Best shit ever."
He shrugged. "I led a sheltered childhood, but fuck, it sure is good." Biting into it, he moaned and rolled his eyes.
"Don't do that," I hissed, shifting my weight, resisting the urge to adjust my cock.
Perhaps I should have jerked off three times.
Gazing at me, he deliberately moaned again, and then he had the fucking nerve to stick his tongue out and lick the sticky Fluff off his lips.
Stupid fucking Fluff.
"Mmmm, taste so good," he dragged out.
Groaning, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine something besides his velvet tongue gliding along his lush lips. He laughed and took a sip of his soda.
"Can't say I'm sorry, I kinda like see you all worked up," he half apologized.
"Keep doing shit like that and you will see a lot more than 'worked up'," I threatened as I picked up my own sandwich. "Oh, I almost forgot!" Leaning back, I opened the bag and pulled out my iHome and phone. I set them up and turned it on, selecting the playlist I had made a few weeks before. Edward's eyebrows rose when he heard the first beats of "I Want You".
"Jasper, this isn't your typical music."
"It's growing on me," I shrugged. Eyeing me, he leaned around me and grabbed my phone.
"Edward's Songs?" he asked when he saw the name of the playlist. Blushing, I took another bite of my sandwich and shrugged. "You made a playlist for me?"
"For me. Songs that remind me of you," I admitted shyly before snatching my phone from his loose grip and putting it back in the iHome. "I listen to them sometimes."
"Like when?"
"None of your fucking business," I mumbled.
"It's my playlist, that makes it my business," he surmised, tilting his head and pouting.
"Fine. I listen to it every night when I'm…trying to fall asleep."
"You do?" he asked. He seemed surprised that I thought about him when we weren't together. He really had no clue.
"Edward, I've dreamed about this night, being with you like this for awhile. Pretty much since the day we met."
He swallowed, his eyes holding and reading mine as he realized what I was admitting.
"I've had a crush on you for a long time," I reiterated. "Kissing you last week was something I'd wanted to do for months. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing for me."
Blushing when I mentioned the kiss, he finally looked away and took another bite of his sandwich. He remembered how affected he'd been, how he had reacted to having a boy's lips touch his.
"Can I ask you something, Jasper?" When I nodded, he continued. "When did you know you were…ya know."
"Gay?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know an exact date, but it was several months before I moved here. I had figured out I was different when all my guy friends talked about tits and I had no interest in listening. "
He nodded and sipped his drink.
"A girl asked me out once."
His eyes shot to mine. "Really? And?"
"And I said no. When my friend Peter found out, he went on and on about how stupid I was because she was smoking hot. To me, he was the smoking hot one. I said no to the girl because we didn't have anything in common, I hadn't even noticed her looks."
Edward chuckled.
"Then one day I was playing football with some friends and Peter tackled me. I started to get hard when he was on top of me." I felt the heat in my cheeks as I admitted that to someone for the first time. "That night, I was lying on my bed and I thought about the smoking hot girl while I touched myself. Nothing happened. But when I thought about Peter on top of me, I got hard real fucking fast."
I finished my sandwich while I watched Edward digest what I had just told him. The emotions flashed across his eyes and I saw them all, curiosity, desire, confusion, but the one that surprised me the most was when they darkened with jealousy. Studying his hands, he picked at the grass, pulling it out and letting it go before ripping more.
"I don't like the idea of you with someone else," he murmured. "It bothers me."
My heart swelled with his admission and I bit my lip to stop from smiling. Instead, I asked him the same question.
"When did you know?"
Caught off guard, he looked up at me, and then sighed as he looked back down at his hands in the grass.
"When I realized I got jealous when you were with someone else." He leaned back on his palms and looked at me. "About a month after you moved here, you asked me to go see some movie, but I had to do something with Bella and couldn't go. You said you'd just go with someone else, and you did."
"Seth," I remembered. Broad shoulders, muscled chest and trim waist, Seth had deep black hair and the darkest eyes I'd ever seen, and a great laugh. His dark skin was smooth and the tribal tattoo he had on his bicep did wonders for my cock, but Seth was definitely, positively, absolutely straight.
Still, he was easy on the eyes.
"He was hot," I winked at Edward.
"Whatever," he growled. "At first, I was fine but then when I was with Bella, I started getting sick thinking about you with someone else. I hated the idea of someone else hearing your stupid jokes or hearing your laugh."
"Stupid jokes?" I pouted.
He rolled his eyes and continued. "I dropped Bella off early and as soon as I got home, I called you and was so fucking relieved when you answered, but then you said how much fun you had and I got sick again."
"Sorry."
"It's okay," he shrugged. "Made me realize I was feeling stuff for you that I didn't feel with Bella. Hell, I told her to go out with other guys, she just didn't want to, and if she did, it never bothered me. But you with someone else, even just as a friend…."
Smiling, I went to him, my hands on either side of his legs as I crawled up him. In the dim light of the lantern, his eyes filled with desire as I leaned toward him.
"And now?"
"If someone else touches you, I'll fucking kill them," he mumbled right before I pressed my lips to his. He lowered himself onto the blanket and I lay on top of him, our lips connecting in a lingering kiss before I moved mine over his jaw to his ear.
"You're fucking hot when you're jealous," I encouraged. "But you don't have any reason to be. You're it, baby. I don't want to scare you, but there won't ever be another for me."
Pulling back, I looked at him, half expecting him to push me off and run away. Instead, he smiled and curved his hand around my neck, bringing me in for another kiss.
"Me either. Ever," he promised.
We made out, our hands wandering more than they ever had before, brushing over jean-clad cocks, under cotton tee shirts, over pebbled nipples and smooth backs. When our breaths grew shallow, I pulled away and laid my head on his chest, smiling when I felt his fingers sorting my curls.
"Fuck, I love your hair," he sighed, fingering the ends before going back for more. "Just like silk."
I purred in pleasure, completely content, and ran a hand up his side, enjoying the shiver he gave me in response. His body felt so strong and sure under mine, like nothing could separate us.
"Are you mad I don't want to come out yet?" he asked suddenly, wrapping my hair around his finger, then letting it go only to do it again. I lifted my head and looked up at him.
"Not at all. I don't think I'm ready either."
"I just… I don't want to let my parents down. Especially my mom, she'll be devastated. And how can I tell Bella? What do I say? Sorry, you were nice and all but you were missing a cock?" I snorted and he glared at me. "I'm being serious."
"I know you are and I get it. Well, the parents part anyway. As for Bella, I have no idea, but she cares about you. I think she'd be ok with it."
He shook his head adamantly, "No, she can't know. You have to promise me you won't tell her."
"Of course. I won't say a word."
Relieved, he smiled.
"Baby, if you want to stay quiet, I will. If you want to scream to the world, I will. Whatever you want, I'll do it. I want to be with you, in or out."
"Thanks," he sighed and leaned in for another kiss. He tasted so good, strawberries and cream with extra sugar. There seriously needed to be an Edward Cullen flavored lip balm. I'd totally buy that shit. Then again, I had the real thing to balm my lips with.
I wondered if it was only his lips that tasted like strawberries and cream.
I shifted against him, moving only slightly but enough for him to feel my growing erection. Immediately, his hands went to my hips, keeping me pressed to him as he bucked up toward me. Groaning, I ground into him, rubbing my erection along his cock.
"Fuck," he moaned, arching his head back, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed a long groan. Every part of me wanted more, I wanted to see him in that moment of pure ecstasy, I wanted to see him hard, naked. I wanted to touch him…desperately.
Instead, I pushed myself up on my hands and looked down at him, our hips still moving against each other. When I looked at him, I realized he wanted it all too, the exact same things I did, but it had only been a week since his lips had kissed a boy for the first time. Physically, his body was ready for more, but I didn't think he was mentally prepared for seeing or touching another boy's cock. As much as I yearned for more, we didn't have to rush.
After all, we had forever.
"Dance with me?" I asked him, pushing back to rest on his thighs, putting some much needed space between our cocks. It took all my willpower to not look at his crotch, to not look at the outline of his erection pushing against his zipper.
He looked so beautiful lying under me, his shirt half undone from my wandering hands, a sexy as fuck smile on his face and his half-lidded eyes glazed over. He held his hands out to me and I took them, tangling our fingers together. Time stopped as we just stared at each other. Perhaps he was committing me to memory for a jerk off session later. Or maybe he was rethinking our relationship, or maybe like me, he was just simply overwhelmed with what he felt, how his heart warmed and pounded, how his breaths quickened and got lost whenever we looked at each other.
"I can't dance with you if you don't get off me."
"Oh, yeah, sorry," I laughed, getting up and pulling him with me. Just as he held out his arms for me to step into, the song changed. John's voice soared around us as I laid my head on his shoulder, my lips pursing to press a kiss to the exposed skin where his shirt was open.
In a sweet, perfect voice, he sang to me.
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
My fingertips grazed along the nape of his neck, tucking under the collar of his shirt before weaving through his hair.
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
If I fell in love with you
Even through a song, he was asking me to keep our secret, to keep what we had to ourselves and not share it with the world. Selfishly, I agreed. As proud of being with him as I was, I wanted to keep him to myself. Closing my eyes, I felt nothing but his arms around me, his warmth under my cheek. I heard nothing but his voice singing for me. The world beyond the tree line kept going but there in a meadow, two boys realized they felt more for each other than they ever thought possible.
They fell in love as they danced beneath a starry sky.
Of course, it was too soon to say the words, but we both knew it. We felt it every time we looked at each other, and every time we were apart.
We held each other in a loose embrace, our bodies swaying as we moved in a small circle, flattening the grass under us. There was no talking, only the occasional happy sigh or moan when our hips moved together just right. We danced through the entire playlist. When faster songs came on, we moved apart, holding hands, attempting to do spins and dips. It was cheesy and completely girly and we laughed at ourselves, but I'd never had more fun. When the playlist started over again, we finally parted.
"Desert?" I asked when I sat down. He lay on his side, propped up on an elbow. I held up a bag of grapes.
"Oh, yes, please," he said, opening his mouth wide. I took one out and tossed it up in the air, impressed when he quickly leaned forward and caught it on the tip of his tongue.
I groaned. He had talented tongue.
"Wow, I'm impressed. My boy has got skills."
"Your boy has game," he countered.
I tossed another higher in the air. "Go get it, boy!"
Leaning back, he tilted his head and caught it with perfect precision.
"Huh. You make it look easy." Hanging my head back, I tossed a grape up a few feet. Keeping my eyes on it, I watched as it fell and bounced off my nose and onto the blanket. "Fuck."
Edward fell back onto the blanket laughing.
"Shut up. I don't have time to sit around and play 'catch the grape' like you apparently do."
"Or you're just uncoordinated."
"I'm coordinated where it counts," I winked. "Someday you'll find out."
After a few seconds, he reached for my hand, taking it in his as he looked up at the sky.
"I love it here."
"Me too," I agreed, smiling at him, amazed that such a simple gesture of reaching for my hand could cause the butterflies in my stomach to take flight. "We can be ourselves here. No parents or friends to worry about."
He turned his head to the side, giving me a crooked smile that melted me. "Imagine the possibilities," he teased.
My cock twitched as I quickly imagined those possibilities.
"Breathe, Jasper," he chuckled when I gasped. Blushing, I looked down at our hands. Holding his hand was eventually going to lead to so much more. "I'm not ready for that yet," he said honestly, knowing what I was thinking about, "but there are other things I'd like to try. Pretty fucking soon too."
"Anytime you're ready, no rush." I leaned forward and kissed him. "We've got forever."
"Forever," he murmured into the kiss.
We talked about starting school in a few weeks. We discussed classes, teachers and the upcoming basketball season. If we hadn't been holding hands the entire time, we could have just been two best friends hanging out. When it was time to go, I packed up our stuff and we headed down the trail using the lantern to light our way.
We reached his car and I set the bag on my seat and went to get in but Edward grabbed my wrist.
"Can I have a kiss good night?" he asked, a blush deep on his already flushed cheeks.
"Hmmm," I debated. "Tough decision, whether or not to kiss my hot boyfriend."
He shoved my shoulder and then leaned in. Holding my body to the car with his weight, his lips met mine in a gentle, but passionate kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, tilting my head to allow him to deepen the kiss, hoping he'd make some of those delicious sounds again. He had one hand buried deep in my hair while his other rested on my hip, his thumb pushing the hem of my tee shirt up, lazily rubbing circles on my skin.
I could have stayed there forever, and I told him that.
"I think they might miss us after awhile," he sighed. "We should go."
The drive home was too short. I didn't want my first date to be over already, and even though we'd been together for almost six hours, it had gone by way too fast. His hand rested on my thigh, mine covering his, with "Got to Get You into My Life" playing as he pulled into my driveway.
"Thanks for the ride," I said, but made no move to leave. "Want to sleep over?"
"That's pretty dangerous, don't you think?"
I shrugged and looked out the window. "You've slept over before."
"And I'll sleep over again, but I'm not sure seeing you in nothing but your briefs right now would be a good idea. Besides, I was dating Bella, not you, the last time I slept over."
"I just don't want the night to end," I said sadly.
"Me either, but I'll see you tomorrow and I'll call you in few minutes. Give me enough time to get home. My parents will freak if I don't get their precious car home soon."
"Tonight was amazing," I smiled. His fingers tightened around mine.
"It was. I loved dancing with you. I could do that forever with you," he said wistfully.
"Me too," I almost giggled. "Okay, I'll talk to you in a few minutes." Looking around us, I leaned in and kissed his lips very quickly before grabbing my bag and bolting from the car before anyone saw me. He waited until I was inside the house before pulling away.
I practically floated up the stairs and into my room.
Licking my lips, I smiled when I recognized the faint taste of strawberries and cream.
"Jasper?" His voice was quiet and raspy from his sobs, but I heard it clearly. I opened my eyes slowly, scared about what might happen now that he'd had time to think. His head was turned toward me; the smile he had worn in his sleep was long gone. When his ran his hand through his hair it gathered in dirty clumps, sticking up in every direction. His eyes darted around the room before finally landing on me.
"You stayed," he acknowledged softly.
I moved my feet from his bed and sat up, immediately regretting the sudden movement when the pain ripped through me.
"I told you I wasn't going anywhere. I meant it," I replied in a hushed tone. I swear one corner of his lips lifted ever so slightly.
"Are you okay?" he asked, barely lifting a hand to point to my chest. Not taking my eyes off his, I nodded, hoping the pain didn't show on my face.
Sighing, he turned his head away from me, his eyes falling heavily on the opposite wall. He was completely silent and still except for the steady rising and falling of his chest. I had no idea what to do, what to say. I thought the hard part was over, I had gotten through to him, but I realized the hard shit was only just beginning.
There was fucking long and winding road ahead.
"Baby?"
"Don't call me that," he growled suddenly.
Shocked, I sat back, my eyes growing wide at the hard edge in his voice. More uncertain than ever on what to do or say, I just sat there, staring at him as he stared at the wall.
"Every night," he began, his voice hushed and softer than before. "Every night my dad has to put me into bed. He has to lift me from the chair, change my clothes and then straighten out my legs. Then he gives me some pills to help me sleep." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I fall asleep like this, fucking crippled and useless, but in my sleep, I'm not. I can do anything I used to. The other night I even dreamed I was playing basketball. Can you believe that?" he scoffed. "As if I'll ever do that again."
Overwhelmed, he stopped talking, a hand swiping across his red, swollen cheeks. I leaned forward, desperately wanting to climb onto his bed and gather him into my arms, offering what little comfort I could. I even laid my hand on his bed, reaching out to his only a few feet away. When he ignored it, I slid my hand back to my lap.
"I wake up every morning and realize that my dream of walking was just that, a dream. When I remember I can't walk, it hurts all over again, worse than the day before. But it's worth it, because for a few precious seconds when I first open my eyes, I'm normal again." His words were choked up, a gasp catching in his throat as he finished.
There was no way for me to imagine what he was going through; to not be able to stand, or walk, to go wherever he wanted whenever he wanted. Edward was reliving that nightmare, that realization, every time he woke up.
It was literally the worse kind of hell.
And Edward was in it.
"You need to go," he said coldly.
I shook my head in refusal, but he couldn't see me.
"Do you really want me to go?" I asked hesitantly, afraid of his answer.
"Yes."
Slowly, I stood up, one arm protectively around my ribs as I used the other to push myself up. After grabbing my sweatshirt off the end of his bed, I put it on, clenching my teeth through the pain the entire time. I walked over to him, kneeling next to him, forcing him to look at me. Even though he tried to hide it, the sadness in his eyes gripped me.
"I'll be back tomorrow."
"Don't."
"I'll be back tomorrow," I repeated, gathering more confidence. "It's Saturday, I'll be here early." I leaned forward and kissed his hand before standing up. "I love you."
I didn't wait to hear the words back. I knew they weren't coming.
The house was quiet as I made my way down the hall and out the front door. The walk home was long and cold, the icy air burning my lungs. I tried jogging a few times but it was too painful. Halfway home, I realized I had left my bag at Edward's. My body was shivering uncontrollably by the time I walked in my front door. Each shiver was more painful than the last. When I closed the door, my mother walked out of the kitchen and found me practically doubled over in the living room.
"Jesus," she muttered, rushing to my side. "What happened?"
"It's just really cold out," I said through chattering teeth. She helped me upright, and I hissed when her hand brushed over my ribs.
"Jasper?"
It was times like this when it sucked to have a nurse as a mother.
"It's nothing. Just some bruises."
"Bathroom, now," she demanded before retreating to the kitchen for a minute. Following her instructions, I went into the bathroom and waited for her. When she came in, she had a small bag in her hand, one she had used often with me through the years to bandage up whatever latest injury I had. She gripped the bottom of my sweatshirt and tee shirt together.
"Up."
Tentatively, I lifted my arms for her to pull my shirts off. Once they were clear and she saw my bruises, her eyes grew wide for a split second. Reaching into her bag on the counter, she pulled out some new gauze and a bottle of something.
"Well, there are no lacerations, just contusions, but this," she ran a few fingers over my rib. "That's cracked, but it's not broken. Hold your arms out."
I did as she asked, watching her work in the mirror. She was efficient and clinical but her touch was tender and motherly.
"You did a good job with the wrapping," she complimented as she began to unwrap the bandage. I didn't ask how she knew I had done it and not someone else, I just nodded.
"Exhale for me." Gritting my teeth, I hissed through them as she pulled the new wrap around me. It was tight and hurt like a motherfucker. "Sorry, it's got to be tight for support."
She continued to unroll the gauze around my chest before finally pulling back to look over her work.
"How's it feel?"
"Fine," I lied. She raised and eyebrow and reached for the pills, handing me two.
"Take these, they'll help."
I put the pills in my mouth and drank the water she handed me.
"I'm not going to ask what happened. I trust you've resolved whatever issue it was, but if you need my help with it, you will let me know, right?"
"Yeah," I lied again, reaching for my tee shirt.
"Take a couple deep breaths every hour and no running for a two weeks, but you should be okay in time for spring track. It's going to hurt for a few days but should feel better after that." She picked her bag up off the counter and went to the door. "Next time tell Edward to aim lower and hit less hard."
I went into my bedroom and gently lay down on my bed. The last thing I remembered was Edward and I dancing in the meadow, his arms around me, my head on his shoulder as he sang to me.
"**~~**"
"Jasper," she greeted when she opened the door. "Great to see you." She sounded unusually happy.
I was later than I wanted to be, but I had fallen asleep, completely dressed, and hadn't woken up until after eleven the next morning. Apparently those weren't just pain pills my mother had given me. After unwrapping the gauze from my chest, I showered and then rewrapped the tape before getting dressed and heading downstairs. My mother was in the kitchen sipping her coffee and offered my father's truck when I had told her I was going Edward's for more schoolwork. After grabbing his keys, a bagel and telling her I'd be back later, I had driven to Edward's.
"Hi, Mrs. Cullen," I said as I stepped inside. She closed the door and ushered me into the kitchen for the ritual hot chocolate.
"I see you have the truck today. Your father took mercy on you, huh?"
"My mom actually," I said, taking the offered mug. "How's Edward today?"
"Actually, he's with the physical therapist right now. They should be done soon," she smiled.
That explained her mood.
"Really?"
"Yep. He and I talked last night and I made a phone call this morning. We got lucky, and he volunteered to come over today to start."
He.
"Oh, that's good," I mumbled, my mind already reeling with scenes I didn't want to see.
"You can head down. They should be done in about ten minutes."
"Okay, thanks," I put my mug down and walked down the hall. Edward's door was partially open, and I stopped when I heard a deep voice.
"That's it, give me three more, Edward. Good, two…one. Great job."
I heard grunting right before something heavy hit the floor.
"How do you feel?"
"Tired as hell," Edward answered.
"I bet," the man chuckled. "Now lay back and let me do a few things with your legs, just some basic movement, we'll save the big stuff for Monday."
Against my better judgment, my hand pushed the door open a bit more and I could see Edward lying on his bed. The physical therapist's back was to me and Edward's calf was in his hands. Supporting Edward's leg with one hand behind his knee, he moved Edward's leg toward and his chest and then straightened it out again. The guy was huge, well over six feet tall with the widest shoulders I'd ever seen. It was like he had football pads on under his shirt.
"So you want to tell me what happened with Maria?"
I saw Edward's eyes close and he shook his head.
"She's pretty hot. I don't know why you wouldn't want her doing this instead of me."
Edward shrugged.
"You sure are talkative today," the man chuckled. "It's okay, I get it. This isn't easy shit to deal with."
I watched as he placed Edward's leg down and picked up the other, repeating the exercise. Edward laid completely still, his eyes just staring blankly at the ceiling. Shifting uncomfortably, I realized I didn't like watching, I wanted to be in there touching him, helping him move and get better. I didn't want to stand outside his world, I wanted to be in it, a part of every minute he lived.
"Do you think I'll ever walk again?" he asked quietly.
"I'm not going to bullshit you, Edward. You might get full sensation back, but it's unlikely. It's more likely that you will get some sensation back, and maybe even walk with assistance, but it's not going to be easy."
"Assistance?"
"Braces, walker, crutches."
Edward sighed just as the guy put his leg down.
"Edward, you're a nice kid with a great future ahead of you whether you can walk or not, you just need to work for it a bit more than anyone else."
"I can't," Edward choked out. "It's too hard."
Outside his door, my heart shattered when I heard his weak, defeated voice. My beautiful boy would have never given up, he had more fight in him than anyone I knew, and I had the bruises to prove it.
He truly thought his life was over, that he had no future besides sitting in that chair. Hanging my head, I bit my lip to keep my emotions in check.
The bed creaked when the guy sat down next to Edward.
"Don't give me that whiny shit. Listen, I'm not going to even pretend to know what you're going through. I had a broken leg once but that's been it. But I have a friend who was hurt a few years ago, car accident just like you. He just did the Paralympics last year, won a bronze medal. It can be done, Edward, and you can do it. You will need help and it won't be easy, but have some faith in yourself. Don't give up, okay?"
His hand rested on Edward's thigh and I felt my heart sink. The reasonable side of me told me that Edward couldn't feel his hand, but the boyfriend side of me wanted to burst in the door and remove the hand myself.
"Okay," Edward sighed, his voice lighter than before.
"I gotta go, but I'll be back on Monday. We'll do some exercises and a full body massage after. Tomorrow, I want you to do three reps of ten with those weights, both arms. Do all the exercises I show you. Got it?"
"Yeah."
I watched as the man stood up and then proceeded to easily lift Edward from his bed and gently place him in his chair.
"All set?"
Edward nodded, and I jumped back from the door when the man moved toward it. Opening it all the way, he saw me and smiled.
"I'm Emmett McCarty," he said holding out his hand. The name sounded familiar. "Hey, aren't you Peri's kid?"
"Yeah. Jasper," I shook his hand.
"Cool, cool. Take care of him, will ya?" he said motioning to Edward and releasing my hand.
"I will."
"Nice to meet ya," he said as he went down the hall.
Once he was out of sight, I turned and walked into Edward's room. I was so eager to see him again, to talk about us, to hold him and kiss him again. I knew it was too soon to discuss our future and the changes that might be necessary, but we could still hold each other.
He was sitting with his back to the window, a scowl on his face as I sat down on his bed. Edward looked beat, but I noticed his hair had been washed and his clothes were different from the day before. Beyond his exhaustion and weary eyes, I saw a glimpse of my Edward, of the boy who owned my heart. The glimpse was faint, but it was enough, it was all I needed.
"What are you doing here?"
"Are we back to this?" I sighed as my entire body went weak. The happy reunion I imagined wasn't going to happen.
So much for the one step forward.
Averting his eyes, he turned his chair and faced the window. Once again, I was staring at the back of his head. After some very long minutes, he spoke.
"Listen, you can come and help me study, but that's it. I can't…I can't give you anymore."
My chest tightened.
"Okay," I replied slowly.
I didn't understand. I was there for him, I wasn't going anywhere and I had proven it to him. The bruises on my body were proof I was there to stay but I wasn't going to argue with him. Whatever he wanted, I was going to do. Bending over, I picked up my bag off the floor and pulled out our history book. With tears brimming on the edges of my eyes, I began to read our homework.
He sat in the chair, half listening to me, staring out the window at the pool while I tried to control the quiver in my voice.
Two hours later, I left, saying a weak goodbye to Mrs. Cullen and Alice on the way out before getting into the truck and backing out of the driveway. Half a mile later, I pulled over onto the side of the road, the tears having blurred my vision too much to see. At home, I got online and opened up my email. Typing furiously, I wrote a long email to Jake, the guy whose boyfriend was also paralyzed. We had emailed back and forth a few times, he told me about his boyfriend's paralysis, how it had happened and a lot about their relationship. At first, it helped to know another couple had been through exactly what we were facing, but it also hurt to hear how happy and satisfied they were. Their relationship had withstood their accident, but I was beginning to wonder if ours could survive.
All I knew was that I wanted it to.
I spent the rest of the day in my room, even going on WoW to distract myself, but less than ten minutes later I was logging off. Just as I lay down on my bed, there was a knock on my door and my dad entered.
"I expected you to have the truck longer."
"We went over some history and calculus, but he was getting tired so I came home."
My father sat on the end of my bed, absently looking around my room.
"I'm proud of the way you have stuck by Edward. You've been a good friend," he said, giving me a smile.
Friend.
Little did he, or anyone else, know that I breathed for Edward. Sometimes I wasn't even sure if Edward knew.
"Thanks, Dad, but I'm just doing what any friend would do."
He shrugged and brushed some non-existent dirt off my bed. "That may be. Regardless, I'm proud of you. " Standing, he ruffled my hair. "Dinner will be done soon."
"Thanks," I whispered as he closed the door. Lying back down, I buried my head in my pillow, using the cotton to stave off the tears.
At dinner, I sat in front of an empty plate.
"You need to eat," my mother demanded, handing me a plate of chicken and rice. Sighing, I took it and scooped some onto my plate. We all began eating and my father told us about the work he was doing on the Cullen's. He was proud of his workers donating their time before work, and some after work to get the house wheelchair friendly.
"Mom, do you know a guy named Emmett?"
She put her drink down and nodded. "He's a nurse at the hospital. We usually work the same shift. Why?"
"He's Edward's PT," I shrugged. "He asked if I was your kid."
"Emmet's great. He keeps the nurses laughing and he's not exactly hard to look at," she smiled. "I knew he had taken some PT classes for his certificate, but didn't know he was finished. He'll be good for Edward. He won't take any crap, but he's as sweet and understanding as they come."
I finished dinner as quickly and went back upstairs. After putting in my earbuds, I turned on my old playlist, feeling uncomfortable when Lynyrd Skynyrd starting playing instead of The Beatles. I barely made it through one song before I switched playlists and closed my eyes when George's began to sing.
The next day I got up and went to Edward's again. We worked on an English essay and went over some physics. He was quiet, but answered the questions I asked, and even wrote in the answers himself. I typed the essay for him, but he told me what to say. After three hours, he yawned and I left.
There was no hug, no kiss, no I love you.
While we weren't what we once were, and some of his comments were cold and mean, but there was no punching, so I looked at it as progress.
Every day was a repeat. I woke up, sat through school, went to Edward's to work on homework, came home, went to bed, avoided sleep for seven hours and then started all over again. My world was limited to school, home and Edward, and not necessarily in that order.
Edward clearly came above all else.
It broke my heart to not touch him every time I walked into his room, or tell him I loved him every time I left. When I walked out of his room, I left my heart behind, in his care for him to watch over until I returned the next day. Sometimes while I was gone it felt like he ripped it out and crushed it before stomping on it. Our relationship had gone back to being platonic, like it had been before he was my boyfriend. Back then, it had been okay to not touch him because I didn't know what I was missing, but now I knew another way. I knew what it was like to hold him. I missed the caresses, the words of love, the looks. I even missed the banter.
More than anything, I missed his smile.
But I refused to walk away. I wouldn't leave him no matter how shitty or platonic our relationship became. I wanted to be in his life, in whatever capacity he'd let me, a friend, nurse, punching bag…I'd be all of it.
Over the next week, our relationship continued to deteriorate, barely becoming anything more than tutor and student. The good news was that he was putting effort into the work and actually catching up.
"No, that's not what I said. You're wrong," I huffed, slamming my hand down on the book. "Jackson defeated Banks in the First Battle of Winchester."
"You said the Battle of Front Royal," he argued, tilting his head to the side in the condescending way he did.
Maybe I had. I couldn't even remember anymore. Hanging my head, I closed the book and sighed.
"You still wear that?" he asked, motioning to the braided leather bracelet on my wrist. Nodding, my fingers self consciously fondled the leather. "Why?"
"I promised you I'd never take it off, and I won't," I reminded him, staring at the leather wrapped around my wrist.
"It's just a shitty bracelet," he shrugged casually. "Doesn't mean anything."
"It does to me," I argued in a shaky voice. Daring to bring my gaze to him, I saw him roll his eyes at my words. "I gotta go," I mumbled, pushing myself off the bed. Sitting in his chair, he rested his elbows on the armrest, his hands dangling over his lap. He watched me as I packed up my bag and grabbed my sweatshirt. When I glanced at him, I saw his face fall as I packed up my stuff.
He had been pushing me for over an hour, arguing with everything I said, pointing out every single mistake. I was making a lot of them too, I knew it, but I was barely functioning, much less paying attention to anything to do with school.
Looking at him one last time, I gave him one more chance to stop me from leaving, to reach out and take my hand.
He didn't move.
"I'll see ya tomorrow, Edward," I muttered as I closed his door and left.
The next at school, I was sitting at lunch, scribbling down last minute answers on my homework that I hadn't done when Bella plopped down in the seat across from me.
"So when is he coming back?" she asked, opening her milk. Glancing up at her, I shrugged. "Have you been helping him with school?" I nodded, keeping my eyes on my book. "Did someone steal your vocal cords?"
Sighing, I looked up at her.
"What?" I snapped. Startled, she jumped back a bit. Immediately, I felt like shit. "Sorry. Just really fucking tired and I need to get this shit done before fifth block. I don't know when Edward's coming back, a week maybe? Yes, I've been helping him with school. He's catching up."
Smiling victoriously, she twirled her spaghetti on her fork. "I was going to go visit him last week but I don't know what to say when I see him. It's just so…surreal."
"Tell me about," I sighed. "Just be yourself. Don't ignore what happened but don't focus on it either. He'd probably like to see you. Probably like to see anyone besides me."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because seeing me means homework," I partially lied.
"Maybe I'll try next weekend. Will you go with me?"
"I think it's best if you go alone. You'll be fine, Bella. It's not like you guys aren't friends."
She seemed to accept my answer. I knew how she felt, and the awkwardness that the chair he was in created. We finished lunch and I went through the rest of the day in my usual numb state, preparing to return to Edward's for more punishment as soon as classes were done.
When I arrived Mrs. Cullen's car was gone but there was a strange one in its place. As I walked down the hall, I heard Emmett's voice. Edward's door was open, and I stood in the hall, neither of them noticing me. Edward was lying on his stomach on his bed, naked except for a towel over his ass. Emmett was rubbing Edward's bare back, his large hands kneading the muscles as he worked down one side and up the other, concentrating a lot on Edward's shoulders. Edward moaned when Emmett's hands ran down the length of his arms, groping and squeezing his biceps, before moving to his neck. Edward moved his head, allowing Emmett more room. Any other time seeing Edward naked would have made me excited, but seeing someone else's hands on him only made me sick.
"God that feels so fucking good," Edward sighed happily.
Since Edward and I had gotten together, I had never considered the possibility of a future where we weren't each other's everything. Witnessing another man touching him, his fingers grazing Edward's pale skin, made me realize that maybe Edward and I wouldn't always be; maybe someday he would want someone else.
My stomach lurched and I thought I might vomit right there in the hallway. My world was crashing down around me. Day by day I was losing more of my life, and no matter how hard I tried to hold on to it, it was slipping through my grip. Clutching an arm around my stomach, I continued to watch. It was like a train wreck as Emmett removed the towel and his hands palmed and massaged Edward's ass before moving down the backs of his thighs and calves. He even did Edward's feet.
"Have you ever thought of becoming a masseuse?" Edward chuckled. "I can't remember the last time I felt this good."
Had he forgotten how I had made him feel?
Sick, I turned and went into the bathroom, closing the door quietly, barely making it to the toilet before my stomach was dry heaving. Twisting and churning, it emptied. The door opened.
"Oh, shit, sorry," Emmett apologized. "I thought the house was empty." He stepped back and closed the door, leaving me kneeling on the floor in front of the toilet. When there was nothing left, I wiped my mouth with my hand and stood up. After a few deep breaths, I opened the door and stepped into the hall again. Edward's door was closed tightly and my mind rushed with images of what was going on behind it. Picking up the bag I'd dropped, I went to go down the hall when Edward's door opened and Emmett stepped out in front of me.
"Oh, hey, you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine," I snapped.
"I'm just about finished with Edward. We'll only be a few more minutes and then you can go in."
"Take your time, I'm leaving anyway," I scowled as I pushed by his huge body. I think his shoulders touched both sides of the hall.
"That's too bad."
Sighing at my stupidity for doing it, I stopped and turned around. Emmett was facing me, his tree trunk arms folded across his chest.
"Why?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Because I think he was looking forward to seeing you."
"Yeah, right," I scoffed. "I'm sure it's the highlight of his day. Probably about equal with taking a shit." Shaking my head, I turned around and headed for the door.
"You make him smile."
I stopped short, my chin dropping to my chest as I exhaled at Emmett's words. That time, I didn't turn to face him.
"He was in a bitchy mood when I got here, but after we started working I asked about you…and he smiled."
Biting my lip, I dared to turn around. Emmett was grinning and his eyebrows rose challengingly.
"It's not the first time either. He smiles whenever your name comes up. Every damn time you're mentioned, I see a smile or a sparkle in his eyes." He paused, letting his words sink in. "But if you gotta go, you gotta go. Tell Peri I said hi." He turned and went back into Edward's room.
I made Edward smile.
Though I hadn't witnessed it in over a month.
When Emmett came out a few minutes later, I was still there, standing like an idiot, in the living room, my bag still slung over my shoulder. I hadn't moved a fucking inch.
"Change your mind?"
"I've got homework I need to leave with him."
"Well, he's all set. I'll be back tomorrow." He patted my shoulder as he walked by. "Don't stay late, he's tired."
Then he was gone.
Hesitantly, I walked down the hall and opened Edward's door. He was in his chair next to his bed with a textbook open on his lap.
He was waiting for me.
Steeling myself, I took a deep breath.
"So, did the massage come with a happy ending?" I snarled, satisfied at the way my lip curled up.
"No. I won't ever have a happy ending," he returned calmly, glancing up at me. I sat down on the bed and opened my bag.
"Where did we leave off?"
"Battle of Chancellorsville," he replied quickly.
We spent the next hour discussing Lee's defeat of Hooker's army and the mortal wound of Jackson. For the first time since he'd hit me there was a comfort between us, we talked calmly and worked easily together. We were about to start on calculus when Edward's cell phone alarm went off. He stopped it and then closed his book.
"What's that for?"
"I have to change my catheter every three hours so I don't get an infection," he replied flatly. Tossing the book on his bed, he backed his chair up and wheeled it over to the table stacked with his medical supplies. I noticed how he moved his chair with much more skill than before. He grabbed a box off the top, sending the ones below it tumbling onto the floor.
"FUCK!" he yelled, suddenly outraged. I jumped up and rushed to his side. Sighing heavily, he leaned back in his chair.
"I can get them," he growled when I began to pick up the boxes for him. He ripped the box open and yanked out a clear bag with a plastic tube coming from the end.
"It's no big deal." I piled them up on the table. "Do you need anything else?"
"No," he snapped, pushing himself backwards and out his door. He returned a few minutes later, bumping into his bed when he entered. Parking himself in front of the window, he stared out it, never acknowledging my presence. The tension was palpable, crouching in a corner waiting to pounce as soon as one of us spoke. I heard his breaths as they matched my own, but he didn't move. Even his eyes remained fixed on the same spot outside. I don't know how long we sat like that, both of us staring out at nothing.
"I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be a burden to anyone," he said softly.
"Like who?"
"My parents," he swallowed. "You."
"You're not a burden to anyone, Edward. You're their son, and my forever. Neither of those are a burden."
His head fell forward, his entire upper body slumping in the chair.
"I'm poison, Jasper. Just leave and stay away," he attempted to say with conviction, but failed. I heard the desperation.
I felt it.
I pushed my book aside and stood up, towering behind him in his chair. Unable to look into his eyes, to see the defeat and rejection, I knelt in front of him and laid my head on his lap. My heart pounded in fear against my sore rib and I closed my eyes. Resting my hands on his hips, I gathered the hem of his tee shirt in them, hanging on for dear life.
He'd said I was the dreamer, the one who took leaps of faith without fear of the consequences. He was wrong. I was fucking scared to death of the consequences of what I was doing then, but it was a leap I had to take. I had no choice.
He could yell at me, beat me, kick me out of his room, but he wasn't forcing me out of his life. Completely still, his hands remained on the armrests of the chair, his eyes on the window in front of him.
"Say whatever you want, I'm not leaving. Not this time, not again," I promised. I refused to be pushed away any longer. He was where I belonged. Wheelchair or not, no one else could ever give me what he did.
He sighed and I felt his breath wash along the nape of my neck. "I'm not good for you."
"Let me decide what is and isn't good for me."
The room was silent and we were still. Just like on our first date, time seemed to stop for us as he considered my words. His thighs felt warm beneath my cheek, the flannel of his pajama pants soft against my skin. Gripping his tee shirt, I pulled myself impossibly closer. I was about to give up hope, thinking I had failed us again, when I felt long fingers tentatively weaving through my curls, caressing the ends gently. Remaining completely still, my breath caught when I felt his hand leave my hair, but it returned a second later. He separated the waves, twisted them around his fingers and let them slide through, always gentle and light.
"Just like silk," he murmured.
My heart began to pound again, but for an entirely different reason.
It now pounded with hope.
A hope I was beginning to think long since dead. A hope I hadn't felt in weeks.
Perhaps being a dreamer wasn't so bad after all, maybe it was what had kept me coming back all those bleak days.
"Why do you still wear it?" he asked, and I knew exactly what he was talking about. The bracelet was still clasped on my wrist, regardless of what had happened, it wasn't going anywhere.
"Because I promised you I'd never take it off," I quoted myself from the day before.
"Stupid asshole," he whispered above me. "I'm nothing but a broken body housing a black soul."
When I lifted my head to look at him, his fingers stayed buried my curls. Tears sat on the rims of his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. Broken body or not, he was stronger than before, maybe even stronger than he had been before the accident, and he had absolutely no idea how fucking brave he was.
How much of a hero he was in my eyes.
"You're everything, Edward," I told him, my hands moving to his thighs. He shook his head, closing his eyes as he fought his emotions. I captured one of his hands and brought it to my face, placing his palm flat on my cheek. "Baby, if I thought there wasn't something worth fighting for I would have left long ago."
When he opened his eyes, I saw the battle that had been waged. They were dark and stormy, turmoil and anguish flooding them until it spilled onto his cheeks. There was no sobbing, no wailing, or even sniffling, just silent tears falling as he let a slow smile cross his face. Beneath my hand, his thumb began to stroke my cheek.
"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you," he admitted softly.
I returned his smile.
"Then don't."
"**~~**"
Thanks for reading~
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.
A great website for teenagers with paralysis http:/www DOT spinal DO co DOT uk/page/teenagers-sci-young-people
A few readers have requested a playlist for WN…is that something you'd be interested in? Let me know and I can post it on my profile, or provide a link to xcel sheet or something (songs used by chapter perhaps?) Btw, songs this chapter…If I fell (sigh), Something and Alone Again, Naturally
