Loser of the year

Not a B&E, not a case with Sara, Sofia worked a case with Warrick and Nick in a casino, far away from Sara, far away from the chance to ask her out after work. The good thing was, Nick and Warrick were very talkative when it came to the secret text messages Sara received. Both men had various - crazy - ideas about who sent them. Interesting was also the way Sara met whoever was writing her. Both men were sure, the brunette wasn't the kind of woman, who went out on her nights off and searched for men in night clubs. She was more a geek, so was this person a professor? Maybe Sara met a university or college professor while she was in a library and they exchanged hot messages about strange things like astrophysics.

Or it was a colleague, who worked nightshift too. One by one they talked their colleagues through, all male of course, who could be Sara's secret lover. Sofia wasn't sure if Hodges or Larry, one of the swing shift guys, who was a lot like Hodges, was the craziest idea. Sara and Hodges, never ever. They both didn't think it was Greg, their young colleague was obvious in love with Sara, or at least very interested, but he wasn't her type. Not Greg but Hodges? Sofia had been close to ask them, if they were serious. At least they dropped the idea of hacking into Sara's phone call list.

Unsure what to do with her morning, breakfast at home or in a diner, she stood in front of the department, watched the sky. Blue Sky. Another beautiful day in Las Vegas, with high temperatures. Soon they'd feel the weather in their cases, crime rates went up when it was hot and with a forecast of over a hundred and ten for this afternoon, a lot of people were likely to lose their mind - and unfortunately others their lives.

"Sun is shinning in the sky, there ain't a cloud in sight…"

Oh, this reminded her of Sara, she was even sure, she could hear this song right now. Maybe she started to lose her mind.

"Are you waiting for aliens or why are you staring at the sun?"

For a second Sofia forgot to breathe. There was Sara and she grinned when she saw Sofia and the, probably very stupid, face she made.

"Uhm no, I thought about how hot it's supposed to get today and how much work this might mean. You know, the hot weather and the increasing crime rates."

"You're off the clock, don't you want to think about something else than crime?"

Oh, she wanted and did. A lot. Most times her thoughts were with her, Sara, but this wasn't a smart thing to say. No, not at all. Breakfast on the other hand was a good idea. Didn't she kind of promise herself, she'd ask Sara out for breakfast? Well, here was the brunette, here was her chance, served on a silver tray, all she had to do was get some nerves and grab the chance. One time only chance maybe.

"Breakfast." Oh great. One word. How about a whole sentence?

"Sounds like a nice idea, I'm hungry too."

Say you want to have breakfast with her, damn it. An easier chance than this wasn't possible. Sara was hungry, they both wanted breakfast, all Sofia had to do was ask her to join her. Not that difficult. Open your mouth and say: Why don't we have breakfast together? I know a nice place, where you get really good coffee and eggs. See, not difficult, she had the sentence ready to use, all she had to do was say it loud. Come on, open your mouth, move your lips and tongue and…lips and tongue, she had also a few other ideas, what she could do with these parts of her body. Really good ideas…and they all had Sara in the center of her…imagination. Her lips on Sara's skin, her lips touching Sara's, her tongue playing with the brunette's, writing little love messages on the whole body of the other woman…

"I see you later. Don't get lost in your thoughts on your way home."

No! This was wrong! Don't go, don't leave. Damn it Sofia, do something, say something. Your chance is about to…"Thanks, see you later." Great. Precious. She was such a heroine. An anti heroine. See you later? Not later, now. She wanted to have breakfast with Sara and not watch her walk away. Away from her, from the breakfast together, away from the nice fantasy in Sofia's head…and this was all she had left. Sara got into her car and took off, while she, Sofia, still stood here like an idiot and starred after her car. She blew it. How could one person be this stupid? So close, so close to a breakfast with Sara. Alone. The chance to talk to her, be with her. And what did she do? Nothing! If anybody was looking for the loser of the year, it was her.

After a detour with loud music and screaming how stupid she was, what a brainless idiot, what a coward bitch, she came home, put on her headphones and turned the music loud while she dropped on her bed.

You make me wanna shut it all down
Throw it all away
'Cause I'm nothing if I don't have you
What's the point of being on top
All the money in the world
If I can't blow it all on you
So, send the cars back
Put the house on the market
And my big dreams, too
'Cause it's all so clear
That without you here
I'm the loser of the year

The loser of the year, that was her. No doubt about it. How half-assed could one person be? So close. All she had to do were say eight words: Would you like to have breakfast with me? Not difficult words, nothing complicated, easy, a kindergarten child could say it. A high school girl could ask her secret crush and she, Sofia Curtis, detective Sofia Curtis, was too chicken to say these eight words. They weren't even words of asking Sara out for a date. No, they could have been friendly words, both were hungry, when colleagues realized, both were hungry, they went out for breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever, when both had the time. But no, stupid little Sofia had to blew it, had to swallow her tongue and stand there, stare, say goodbye instead of join me for breakfast. The stupidity prize of the year was hers.

I'm nothing if I don't have you. Yeah, she also was nothing without Sara, how true this was she proved a few minutes ago, when she wasn't able to talk. See you later. When? When she worked up the nerves to ask her to have dinner/breakfast with her? The way it looks, this time would never come. Breakfast sounds like a nice idea, I'm hungry too. Sara couldn't be more obvious, couldn't give her a better chance. This was like standing in front of an empty goal on a soccer field, no goal keeper, no other player around, only her and the ball and she kicked it into the sky.

"Loser! Loser! Loser!" She hit with her fist on her pillows. "Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! I'm such a big idiot! I don't deserve to be happy when I mess things up this big. How stupid can it get? See you later. Yeah, in my dreams, the only place I'll ever have Sara. In my dreams, that's it. Only in my wet dreams, great. Like a stupid school girl. I hate myself! I hate how stupid I am! I hate me! I'm nothing!" Tears ran down her face. Why was she so stupid? Why did she mess up everything? Why? Why did she put up with herself when she was too stupid for everything? Why should she waste any more energy in herself, when obviously she wasn't worth it. Such a loser. The best thing was she would just drop dead, nobody would miss her anyway. Not her parents, after she didn't give them the grandchildren they wanted and not Sara, who had somebody else on her mind. She was disposable. To everybody.

Sudden weight on her back made her flinch, little paws walked to her head, got next to her head and licked her ear. Very concerned eyes looked at her.

"I'm sorry Justice." She turned and pulled her kitten in her arms. She wasn't disposable, not to everybody. Right here was somebody, who loved her a lot. More than anybody else: Justice, he deserved a better mom, a mom who wasn't a pansy, but the fact was, he wanted nobody else than her. To her little tiger, she was the first choice. He loved her and needed her. And he cared about her. Like now. From wherever he came here, jumped on her back, made her stop crying and get the attention away from how stupid she was to how important she was. To him. He never disappointed her and the way he looked at her, she never disappointed him. He alone was enough reason to continue, to continue fight, live and give herself another chance. She couldn't be that bad when he loved her.

"I really blew it today. There was this chance, this really huge chance, to have breakfast with Sara and I was unable to speak. Can you imagine? This never happened to me in high school. Why can't I talk to Sara, ask her to have breakfast with me? I mean, the worst thing that could have happened was, she had no time or said no for another reason, means I had breakfast on my own. Now, that I didn't ask, I will have breakfast on my own because I'm too stupid. No chance of a yes. I had nothing to lose and lost everything. Not a successful day. Plus I got a new message, one that confuses me. I guess I need some help for this, otherwise I'll never solve this mystery. Got any ideas? Not my mother, please."

Justice looked at her and if Sofia didn't know it better, she'd say her kitten grinned at her. Like the Chesire Cat in Alice in Wonderland. She should get some sleep, her brain and her body weren't working properly anymore. Justice the Chesire Cat, the next thing happened was, she fell into a rabbit hole…