Medley:

Chapter 9

Bring Me to Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Evanescence: Fallen, 2003

Sam allowed the hot, soapy water to sooth her body, easing away the aches and tension from her body and her mind. Resting her head back she closed her eyes and reflected over the last couple of days. The words of Elena and Vivian kept echoing in her mind and the more she wrestled with them, trying to convince herself that they were wrong the more she found herself growing aware that their words were, in fact, accurate.

Martin was a good man. It was hard to admit to herself that she had been the one who judged him from the start. She had teased with Danny about his father's supposed influence over his career, assuming him to be nothing more than a privileged kid who was following in daddy's footsteps because he had to. Funny, it hadn't occurred to her at the time that he might actually be a good agent, and it certainly never occurred to her that he was battling the same stereotype she battled.

She quickly found him to be hardworking and genuinely interested in learning and bettering himself. True he was opinionated and a bit naïve on some things—well, many things but he was a quick learner and while he was willing to share credit, he was equally willing to show another person up as a fool if it meant either evening the score or, in the case of their first assignment, staking his right to be on the team as profoundly as Danny was staking his claim as a ranking member of the team.

Somehow he easily slipped under her radar and she found herself admitting little things to him that she never intended to admit, her love of messy, complicated relationships, her intention to never have children or a marriage, her dislike of therapy, her pain at killing those two men right after her return to work from being shot and her need for someone, anyone to lean on even if it was just a drink and nothing more.

The more time went on the more she noticed how the job affected him as well;, his pain over Anwar Samir's death, his sorrow as more and more of the people they were trying to bring home safely ended up dead, his devotion to his aunt to the point of blaming himself for being blind to her pain as he buried himself in the hope of her recovery.

She found that she enjoyed his quirky little hobbies, his knowledge of science fiction was geeky to be true but it was also endearing, and while she teased him a little she noted he didn't tease her past raising an eyebrow at her ready knowledge of the latest tabloid gossip, perhaps he had recognized how thin skinned she really was.

As the water in the tub began to cool she got up, dried herself off and pulled on a pair of comfy leggings and an oversized shirt, then wrapped her hair in a large soft towel and then herself in a fluffy robe before settling on the couch with some tea and soup for supper and turning the TV on, with the volume down low, for company.

Her thoughts idly wandered over the past few years, why had she invited Martin over that night, was it as he had told her once right before they broke up, was it just her way of making sure she wasn't alone at night, was he truly just her consolation prize? She remembered that night, that was after the abduction of Mike Gerard, after she and Martin had fought about Knicks tickets, after she had told him she was a woman who had slept with two members of her team.

She remembered the hurt on his face but at that time she was so wrapped up with protecting her dignity or reputation or—she sighed and realized that it didn't matter anymore what it was she had been trying to protect. Any dignity or reputation she had been trying to protect was gone now anyway.

Unconsciously she rubbed her hand over her growing belly; everyone now knew the truth about Samantha Spade. She slept around and it had caught up with her at last. Now she was going to be exactly what she had tried so hard to escape, single and a mother, alone but for a tiny little baby dependent on her for everything. How the hell was she supposed to deal with that, she had no one in her life outside work, work was her life.

How was she supposed to deal with raising this baby and continuing to work? It wasn't like she could bring the crib into the bullpen, that would be something Ah, excuse me everyone but I need to go nurse my baby, can you hold the case conference for about ten minutes, I'll just be in the—oh, I guess I'll just use Interrogation Room 2.

Yeah, that would have her looking really good. And what did she expect if Jack did somehow get involved with her again—more to the point, why had she even asked him? She knew his work consumed him, in fact, that's part of what made him so damn attractive to her in the first place. They thought alike, they similarly were dedicated to the work.

In fact, now that she thought about it she remembered entering his office once, before they had their affair, and he was finishing a call to his wife. She knew he was getting the raw end of it from Maria based on his comments. At that time she had been there less than a year but she was already extremely protective of him; Jack was a damn fine agent and a great boss. He taught his agents what he knew and he always made it clear that he would back their play just so long as they told him what it was first.

She remembered that when he hung up after getting chewed out by Maria she had made a point of taking on a little extra work just to ease his burden. She hadn't even thought about it at the time but truth was she liked doing things for him, liked having him rely on her, liked being the person in his life that didn't give him grief for being so dedicated to his work and she thought that Maria should cut him some slack, if she had any idea what the work was all about and how good her husband really was at it and how valuable his knowledge and dedication was she should just sit at home and dutifully wait until he got there and, when he did, she should just take care of him.

Suddenly Sam stopped her rambling thoughts and concentrated for a moment on those last ones. Oh, God, she really had thought that Jack should have a wife at home who made his meals, did his laundry, cleaned his home and met him at the door with slippers in one hand, the other hand empty ready to take his coat and briefcase from him.

She had been a fool. If that's what she felt that Jack should have as a wife, why the hell did she want to have him intimately in her life now? That wasn't what she wanted at all, she didn't want to be the little woman staying home tending her man's needs, always in the background. She wanted to have both, the loving husband and the fulfilling career and while she hadn't ever seen herself as a mother that was no longer a choice and she was going to have to take responsibility for the little life that was growing inside her.

She also knew that it was possible to have both. Yes, it meant sacrifices; it meant long hours; it meant having to choose carefully what to be involved with and what not to, and it meant missing certain things but she had two strong female colleagues and friends who proved to her that it was possible; but it wasn't possible alone.

Vivian had a strong marriage and a teenage son, and she was nobody's little woman hiding in the background. Elena had a failed marriage, a new romance that probably had a future and a young daughter and she had support to help her with Sophia, and Elena was someone who was strong, fearless and capable. In fact, both women were capable agents, intelligent, strong, respected, both were strong at work and in their personal lives. Truth be told, both were the kind of woman she had always wanted to be; weren't they?

Sam stared into her mug of now cold tea and thought for a long time, had she really always wanted a husband, a child and a career? Were all her comments in the past about complicated and messy relationships simply protection against her thoughts of inadequacy and that since she hadn't had any positive role models growing up that she wouldn't be good at it and thus didn't deserve to try?

Was that why she torpedoed her relationship with Martin who she knew wanted marriage, children and a career and she also knew that he cared for her and not only for her body; if she had ever doubted it his reaction to her arrival at his apartment after arresting Brian Stone and bringing Mike Gerard safely back to his parents certainly dispelled that notion.

It was 9:00 p.m. by the time Sam exited the cab in front of Martin's building. She hadn't noticed he'd left the office and by the time she did it was well past 8:00 p.m. She hadn't seen him when he came back. She hadn't thought to go looking for him since she didn't want to appear too concerned. She'd talked to Danny and he'd assured her that all was fine so there wasn't any need for her to go look for him, right?

Standing at the door to his apartment she fingered the key he'd given her months earlier. She'd never used it, it sent too much of a message. So she balled up her hand and knocked on the door. After a moment or two she heard his footsteps and heard the slight click as he peered out the little peephole. She smiled brightly at him and then heard him unlock the door and open it up for her.

"Hi, you should have told me you were leaving. I would have been by sooner." She said as she walked past him.

Silently he closed the door behind her and locked it then returned to the couch.

"Well, I figured if you wanted to see if I was all right, you would have checked with me at the office and since you didn't, I just decided to leave once I'd completed talking to Jack."

"Well, I knew you were all right, silly. I talked to Danny and he told me so." Sam replied wondering why Martin didn't hug her or even smile now that she'd arrived. She usually didn't come to his apartment she usually had him over to hers, so why then wasn't he happier she'd made the effort?

"Did he? Well, as long as Danny told you I guess you didn't need to check with me."

"Martin, I knew you were all right and I didn't want it to look—"

"What, like you cared?"

Sam remained standing in the room in front of the couch. Martin hadn't invited her to sit down or take her coat, what was wrong? She moved to sit next to him on the couch and, when she did, she was shocked as he stood up and moved away.

"You know what, Samantha, Danny asked if I was all right. Jack asked if I was all right. Vivian asked if I was all right. Nobody would have thought anything of it if you had asked me if I was all right, colleagues do that, friends do that. But then again, I'm only the guy you're sleeping with."

"Martin, I think you're being a little melodramatic." Samantha stood up to face him.

"You do, huh? Well let me tell you something, it would have been nice if this morning after you arrived at the scene if you had asked me if I was all right."

"I knew you were all right! I got the call that said you had witnessed the abduction and tried to chase down the vehicle. Geez, Martin, it's not like you got hit by a car or shot at, I knew you were all right!" Exasperated Samantha paced a bit away from him.

"Sure, physically I was top notch. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps I felt guilty? That perhaps I could have used some support from you, did it occur to you that that might be what I needed? Even Jack gave me that, and he defended me to that boy's father when he blamed me for letting his son get kidnapped. It felt good to hear Jack say he supported me but I really needed that from you."

"Well, what do you want from me, do you want me to say it now? I worked that case just as hard as anybody else did so that you would feel better and we'd find that boy."

"Yeah, you did your job, Sam, but what about a little emotional support. How would you have felt seeing that little boy taken right in front of you and wondering whether you should have seen that coming and stopped it? How about being in the car when Stone tried to kill himself? Did it occur to you to just come up to me and say something like, I'm glad you're all right. Do you need anything? I'm here if you need or want to talk."

"Anyway it's not like you came to find me to ask me for any of that." Is what she ended up saying and as soon as she did she cringed.

"You're right I didn't come begging for any emotional support from you. Not like you did when we worked the Colleen McGrath case." He bitterly stated.

"I didn't come begging for emotional support." Samantha retorted angrily.

"That's right you didn't, you know why?" Martin continued without letting her reply, "because I was already there. I came and found you on the balcony when you were upset. I stayed late and worked through files when almost everyone else had gone home for the night. I sat with you and lent you my ear and my support when you were undercover in that motel. You didn't have to come looking for emotional support because I gave it."

"Well, I'm here now." Sam defended herself.

"Yes, you are. You're right here where no one can see you and no one can see us because heaven forbid anyone know that you care about me. You know why I want people to know about us?"

Sam shook her head silently.

"Because I care about you; I care about all of you, your body, your mind, I care about what makes you laugh and cry, and I don't care that anyone else knows. I'm not worried about what other people think; I only worry about what you think. I needed you today. I needed you to show me that I matter somewhere else than between your sheets."

"Stop saying things like that. You do mean more to me than just sex." Sam was getting angry this wasn't what she came over here for.

"Really? I'm not so sure anymore, in fact, I'm more sure than ever that all I am to you is someone to warm your bed."

Thinking back on that conversation now, in light of her conversations with Elena and Vivian Sam realized something very important that she had never seen before. She had treated Martin exactly how Jack had treated her; the difference was that Martin had smartened up and ended it while she had continued on her fantasy that somehow she could be more to Jack.

Sex, the kind that got her into this current situation, expectant mother, single, daddy not wanting anything to do with her, in fact, ordering her to get a paternity test to ensure it was his baby, like she was some kind of a tramp, that was what she and Jack had had. Sure, they had cuddled a bit afterwards but never for long since he had to get home to Maria and the kids.

He had made it clear from the outset that he wasn't going to leave Maria and even at the end he was willing to leave his job, leave her to go with Maria to Chicago even though it meant taking a demotion; he had never been willing to make such a sacrifice for her. Theirs was a relationship that was hidden and could never be anything but hidden.

He couldn't transfer out so they could resume their relationship after his divorce because there wasn't anywhere for him to transfer to unless he left New York and then what, was she supposed to follow behind. He hadn't even mentioned that now that he was divorced they could resume their relationship but only if she left his command. He hadn't known about her and Martin until that case involving Brian Stone, so he'd had plenty of time to mention to her that they should get back together and make a go of it for real this time but he hadn't.

She really was a fool. Even since that time there had been nothing, no intimation that he wanted to get back together with her, his confession as it were about Anne and him expecting a baby, what was that, was that his idea of keeping his options open, God the nerve---and that's exactly how she had treated Martin. Keep the relationship quiet, not out of fear of what others would think but because of what Jack would think and now that Maria had left maybe—maybe. She had treated Martin the way Jack had been treating her. No wonder he'd told her it was over.

Well, what Martin said and what Sam did about it were two different things. He'd told her that it shouldn't have to be a fight. Well, maybe it shouldn't have to be her fighting her feelings for Jack over her feelings for Martin, maybe it shouldn't have to be her fighting her fears, lack of self-confidence, her fears over what others might think, maybe it should be a fight for her to show him just how much he did mean to her and just what a fool she had been.

Maybe, just maybe if she showed him just how important he was to her and she showed him that she didn't care any longer about what others thought or said or did, then maybe he'd realize that she was willing to fight to have him back in her life and that she was fighting for him and not against herself.

Comforted by that thought and knowing exactly what she had to do Sam got up from the couch prepared to clean up her dishes and head to bed for some rest, tomorrow was going to be a very interesting day. As she held her finger over the on/off button preparing to shut her TV down for the night she caught a flash of a news teaser that was showing the fire out in Utah so she turned up the volume.

//And tonight we'll bring you the latest on the wildfire in Utah. Sources say the fire broke through a weak containment line as it was driven by a strong and sudden shift in the wind. Crews were able to escape its path and finally that portion of the fire has burned itself out. Experts say the overnight weather should bring much needed relief as the cool front that is also laden with heavy moisture moves into the region.//

Good, Sam thought. The quicker the boys come home, the quicker I can tell Martin my intention to win his trust back no matter what it takes.

Bring Me to Life

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here there must be something more

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Evanescence: Fallen, 2003