The room was quiet, which was perfectly normal considering all of its occupants were asleep, which doesn't seem possible for the deceased but it is because of important author reasons, when a thud shook the room, followed by a much larger one.

Ikusaba's eyes snapped open and found she couldn't move at all. She was crushed by something large and… the lump suddenly moved, allowing Ikusaba to move out of the way. When she looked back she realized it was Yamada. Continuing to look around the room, she saw Fujisaki slowly approaching Ishimaru's unconscious body.

"H-how could this happen? Wh-why do we keep doing this to each other?" Fujisaki cried.

"I'll tell you why!" Monokuma announced, "For ten billion yen!"

"For money?" Ikusaba asked. "Who would kill for something that… trivial?"

Yamada's eyes fluttered open, and whispered softly, "Taeko… Yasuhiro… did this…"

"Who?" Owada asked who had just woken up and noticed the new arrivals.

Yamada sat up and shook his head. "Um, Celes… she… with the hammer…what?"

Ishimaru was beginning to stir, and Owada rushed over, shocked. "Bro? Why? You were supposed to live… I'll kill whoever did this to you!" Yamada's face contorted into an expression made up of many different emotions.

Monokuma interrupted with, "Enough with your stupid drama. Everyone get out of here except for Ishimaru, Yamada, and Maizono."

"Why me?" Maizono asked rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"Do I need a reason? You've been here the longest. Now let's get started!"

*'**"***"**'*

Ishimaru: Wait, what's going on?

Maizono: Do you want the short or the long version?

Ishimaru: Am I dead? Is this heaven? Purgatory?

Maizono: I'm not sure, but my best guess is hell?

Yamada: So… like Angel Beats? Or…

Maizono: So, basically Monokuma is making us read this… fan-fiction? Atrocity? Disgrace to the English language? Right…

Ishimaru: That doesn't make any sense.

Yamada: Fan-fiction? Of what fandom? What shippings? What rating? This might not be hell after all.

Maizono: Yes, loosely based on Harry Potter, the Mary Sue author insert x all the boys, rating… hard to say.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

Ishimaru: *twitch* The spelling… the grammar…

Maizono: You'll learn to read it. It's like another language, you learn with practice.

Yamada: Nyeh… it better have some good scenes.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

Maizono: Dumbledore didn't cuss in the movies, and you're the author so it is your fault if he swears.

Ishimaru: Why are you arguing with written words on a page?

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

Ishimaru: That's not a reasonable explanation.

Yamada: Worse excuses have been given.

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now

Maizono: He's never licked Harry before! And he never will!

is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX

Ishimaru: Wait, I thought it was talking about Harry. Who's this Vampire?

Maizono: It's what she calls him. Also, he's a vampire in this.

Yamada: Changing characters to fulfill certain desires… this is nothing new, but insulting to canon.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me.

Maizono: He didn't cheat on you! If you just listened for two seconds it would be obvious!

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Ishimaru: Did what against a tree?

Yamada: Master Sayaka Maizono how was this event described?

Maizono: I wasn't there for it, so I don't know, and I don't want to know.

Ishimaru: What are you talking about?

Yamada: Ho, I have much to teach you.

Then all of a suddenly,

Ishimaru: There's no need for the 'ly' at the end. Why is it there?

an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything

Ishimaru: What is 'everything'? Does it include a rule book? A car?

Maizono: Maybe he's carrying everything in a big sack?

Yamada: Including every episode of every anime ever?

Maizono: And proper grammar and storytelling? And hammers?

Ishimaru & Yamada: ...

started flying towards me on a broomstick!

Maizono: Three guesses who it is.

Yamada: Ishimaru?

Ishimaru: Such a notion is ridiculous!

Yamada: But it said 'horrible' and 'red eyes'.

Maizono: Ishimaru is not horrible!

Yamada: He stole Alter Ego!

Ishimaru: I did no such thing! You did that!

Maizono: Break it up. Read, and then argue, ok?

He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)

Ishimaru: Did she just tell us who it was?

Yamada: Please tell me that she and Voldemort…

Maizono: No! That's gross!

Yamada: That's the only way it could make up for the rest of its horribleness.

and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

Maizono: Surprise! Poor Voldemort doesn't stand a chance against a Mary Sue.

Yamada: You don't understand, she will keep him alive, to keep up a pretense of conflict.

Maizono: How are you so sure?

Yamada: A Mary Sue will want to continue the 'adventure' for as long as possible. When you have been in the doujinshi business as long as I have, it's easy to figure out.

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

Maizono: Wait, what does that spell do again?

Yamada: It makes the caster able to impose their will on the one they put the spell on. It opens many possibilities.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.

Maizono: That's the name of Hermione's cat! How do you not know that?

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

Ishimaru: Such an act would be considered a crime!

Maizono: Oh, right, you weren't there when they did drugs.

Ishimaru: What! Such rules breakers! Did they get appropriate lectures and punishment?

Maizono: Um… no.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

Yamada: This description makes me want to puke, and that's saying something.

Maizono: And I'm pretty sure he doesn't look like Joel Madden.

I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

Yamada: Wait, Draco and this 'Vampire' were dating? Oh…

Maizono: Great job, Ebony. Good job figuring out the obvious.

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Yamada: What? If it's magical girl, you don't use fists. If it's slice of life, you don't use scepters. When writing fan fiction, you milk the weapon of choice for all you got, and in this case, it's wands and magic! Guns are useless in a 2-D world!

"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

Maizono: Wait. If Voldemort can kill Draco, what's stopping him from killing Vampire or Ebony himself?

Ishimaru: Classmates, why are you concerning yourselves with a fictional work?

Maizono: Doesn't the lack of logic bother you?

Ishimaru: Well, not really… it's the spelling that really bothers me.

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Maizono: Probably saw you guys making out or something. Bad guys know these kinds of things.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

Yamada: How do you draw that?

Maizono: That's kind of funny, imaging Voldemort with that look.

"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

Maizono: Did he finally put some clothes on?

Ishimaru: I would hope so, because dress codes need to be upheld!

Maizono: Thank goodness you haven't meet Ebony's wardrobe yet.

Yamada: What does that mean?

Maizono: She has a special… style.

Yamada: Can't be anymore unique than cosplay.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

Maizono: That's it? She's way too calm!

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

Ishimaru: No. I don't get it

Maizono: Nobody does.

Yamada: It's simple, it's supposed to be a 'cross' but she-

Maizono: Yamada, no. Explanations can wait for later, like how you got here.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

Yamada: Expelled? Is no one else wondering? Just me? Oh…

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Ishimaru: That is a clear example of PDA! Did anyone see and report this?

Maizono: No, not to mention that they were just fighting and he is depressed. Wait, he's always depressed.

Ishimaru: I still don't understand any of this.

Maizono: And that is fine.