DITD: The Cul-de-sac
Cannon: Harry Potter/Ed, Edd, and Eddy
Characters: Lee, May, Marie Kanker; Jonny 2x4 and Plank; Jimmy, Ed; Edd; Eddy; Jimmy; Rolf; Nazz; Kevin, Harry…
1-Jimmy
2-Eddy
3-Kevin
4-Harry Potter & the Dursleys
5-Ed & Sara
6-Nazz
7-Edd
8-Jonny 2x4 and Plank
9-Rolf
Harry James Potter lived on Number Four Privet Dr. Houses 1-9 were occupied on what the kids liked to call "The Culdosak." There was a Trailer Park nearby in which is Uncle Vernon often cursed. He always seemed to not be part of the crowd though, isolated from the ways of civil life. When Edd (Double D) moved into #7 when they were almost four (as just about all of them seemed to be the same age) Harry took it upon himself to watch out for the Eds lest one of Eddy's harebrained schemes cause them early and certain death. Edd had real brains but absolutely no common sense or weight in brawn.
Ed's brawn outweighed anything that might have once been brains. Occasionally something made it out of his messed up mind, but nothing solid stayed very long.
Eddy was so narcistic that Harry dared not leave him to his own devices. He wasn't brawny or brainy. But he was somewhat of a leader, though a bad one. Harry wasn't even sure now that he was nearby that the Eds wouldn't die in one of the scams. How Ed was still alive today was a massive puzzle that only Double D wanted to really know.
Harry's Cousin Dudley Dursley had a hand at bossing and beating up the Culdosak kids fairly often when they were young. That led to a neutral alliance with the Kanker Sisters (Lee, May, and Marie) when it came to that. Harry got along freakishly well with all of them, even the Kankers, and was respected for both living at #4 (a.k.a. "Hell"), respecting others appropriately, and keeping the Eds in line, mostly. The not-Eds paid their respect in at least looking at the scams of Eddy.
When they screwed up the universe, Harry could never really explain how all of his friends got magic like his own and he wasn't aware when the world righted itself. He especially wasn't all that too knowledgeable on why he knew an abundance of previously unknown things about this 'Wizarding World' that had praised him for something he couldn't really remember doing when he was a babe.
But he was sure he would cause a riot. No one around him long enough was safe from change.
From the treehouse the Eds had reclaimed and rebuilt sturdily from Harry's direction, the Boy-Who-Lived could see all of the houses from his spot in the park directly across the way. He'd never understood how the dimensions inside sure as hell didn't match what they were supposed to be, but he wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Harry watched as his charges set up the next idea for a scam while he himself was sucking on a jawbreaker he had stashed while the Eds remained unawares, still surprised that Ed hadn't nosed them out already.
Kevin had handed them out fairly often, but Harry had told him not to give them to the Eds. If he did, the Eds would have no drive and their intentions would dive into dangerous territory.
"Now Ed! Don't drop them there by the stump. You'll drop it on my-Ouch!"
"Ed, pick up those sticks this instant. It is very impolite to litter. If we would all just throw our dreck into the trash pins, the world would be a better place; the trees would be able to breathe much easier."
"Uh huh! The steering wheels have butter toast!" Ed exclaimed before jumping onto the nearby sap-infested stump at the edge of a fence. He got his tongue stuck and it was quite a show as he stretched it out and tried to talk rationally as he had. His gaze flew to the pile currently on a pained Eddy. "Aww. Pickup logs. My turn!" and he jumped on his 'boss's' pile and the 'boss' moaned and groaned.
Harry could see the trailer park slightly and something round fell off a train-like mess and made its way toward the Culdosak. Rolf seemed to not notice as he and Victor (his pet pig) and his goat (Humphrey) all slogged in the mud in some old ritual.
Lines seemed blurry and odd happening fazed no one but the freakishly anormal Dursleys. Harry couldn't help but think that sometimes it was as if he was living in a cartoon.
On Harry's eleventh birthday, over fifty owls boarded down on a particular area of Surrey. Seven in particular dived down onto the sill of the tree house that Harry had moved into over three years ago. He cooked and ate at one of the multiple houses that welcomed him on the Culdosak; the multiple parents were all just glad he was away from the Dursleys "care". Some place called Hogwarts stood out, as it wasn't offering a place, but saying he had been accepted. He didn't remember giving them any offer of it, and it angered him. If he didn't already know about it he wouldn't have agreed to go at all.
He would have chosen one of the multiple other schools but all of the parents on the Culdosak that got offerings to magical schools wanted them to stay together, and there was no way he'd leave the Eds alone. The Kankers had been thinking of the all-female Beabuxtons, but soon decided not to. "What will we do without the guys to keep us entertained?" as Marie would say.
A few days later, a big burly man with a beard and a big heart showed up to take him to Diagon Alley. He believed to be only taking "wee Harry Potter" but the raven-haired boy in question convinced the nice man to take his muggleborn friends. They took to the magical world mostly well without actual disbelief, but Harry was not so sure how Jonny was going to react later on. He doubted the upper peers would count the piece of wood as his own man.
The trip was relatively uneventful. Olivander couldn't give him the wand he was supposed to (?) and that bothered him a lot because the wand chose the wizard and before that none other should have real knowledge pertaining what belongs with whom. And then the old man had to make him one from straight out odd products that made for a very long list. He had to make two identical to another because the Kanker sisters only fit one wand.
At Gringotts, Nazz apparently had a vault for "the Best Smile Award" she had won years back that none of them had any insight on how it was to be magical. Harry knew of all of his assets though from the universes screwy past, and demanded in long forgotten rights that they were to be handed over, managing to not only befriend the goblins as he wasn't racist, but to pull on their loyalties without meaning to.
The kids could barely get Double D out of the bookstore so Harry gave him a dusty tome on Occlumency and Legillimency to take up his time. Harry's own book load was quite large filled with stuff he thought he'd need.
Nazz, Jimmy, Sara, and the Kanker sisters spent quite a lot of time at Madame Milkins Shop for All Occasions, so Harry took it upon himself to gather a large percentage of the Cul-de-sac's money and buy in bulk most of what they needed; an endless bag of jawbreakers already in his custody to sidetrack Eddy when he needed.
The brooms fascinated Harry and Kevin. It took them almost an hour to actually decide what they wanted there. They couldn't bring them to Hogwarts apparently, but as they had a section of Surrey all to themselves, they saw no harm in flying around there.
It took them over fifty minutes to track Rolf down in an apothecary down in Knockturn Alley. Poor Hagrid was worried about one of his future students. One would think that the love of animals would have brought them together, but they flummoxed the other beyond rational understanding. Sara would have scared off any of the hags that accosted them if the large procession of scary children and a half-giant wasn't enough. But it was too late for the old man Rolf had been yelling at as he had already gotten the barter down anomonaly low.
The news that the death of his parents wasn't accidental had once angered Harry greatly, and now he acted as if it was something he had just learned. The other children silently agreed that some vengeance was due on the Dursleys. No one seemed to stop and explain to them the full facts so that they would understand though, so they depended on Double D's reading to tell them where to look, and Harry's intuition to tell them what they needed to know.
The next few weeks could only be described as massively chaotic around Surrey.
The pets seemed delighted with the band of merry odd children. But only Harry's snowy white owl, Hedwig, were they all found. She seemed to be 'the leader of the pack' of animals so to speak. Rolf's odd goat/pig he had gotten Victor and Humphrey to be he was calling Halfron-they were not very acceptable to one another and because of that, the boy on #9 was having an aggravated time. But he got them on his side with the idea of dirt and food, eventually.
A book on runes soon became a means of light reading for the Boy-Who-Lived in a tree house and markings beneath new paint at the door to the tree house showed that he was using it. The place was kept comfortably clean the temperature was made comfortable. Also, the dimensions were now much bigger, house-size really.
When Harry thought about the odd stuff that seemed to happen around him and why they were happily isolated in numbers 1-9 and at the trailer park, "magic" explained everything perfectly with no other need of thought. It was always how it was and hopefully always would be.
The last day of their summer was interesting to say the least. No one could sit still, and Eddy was going crazy. Night came with lists being checked over and unsleepy children. They finally decided to camp out in Harry's tree house and told ghosts stories and helped others out. Double D was rethinking his plan for having a rabbit as a pet even though it could change colors. Ed's chicken probably wouldn't last the trip, but at least he was fully happy with his choice. Eddy's black cat he only bought for the Halloween joke. Because cats were fairly self-sufficient, he though he wouldn't need the responsibility. How wrong he was-the cat hated him!
In the morning, the day was filled with breakfasts and last minute packing. The day was going fast and then they were almost late to the train station. Harry pulled out a time turner from his vaults and took them back almost an hour so as to claim room for themselves. Edd wasn't really a rules guy when Harry did something, so he only asked about the time turner itself.
Nazz's dog and Kevin's half-dog seemed to be in love. They weren't exactly different, but Harry was sure that he didn't want to know what they other half was. Double D was fascinated as usual and Kevin was just pleased with his trick-dog.
The Potter Lord took the last cart and stuffed the Eds in before they could do anything outside his watch. There was no way he was letting them out of his sight. Eddy was already speaking as if he had a box full of rats to test his scams with so he could get money to buy jawbreakers. Harry conspicuously tapped his pocket. Edd couldn't realize the others wouldn't face school work as he did, and Harry had gotten professional at driving their minds elsewhere.
A red head by the name of Weasley introduced himself as Ron and he was immediately grossed out by how Ed was eating, despite his own erratic appetite. This was beyond able for the more common human bodies though.
He gasped at Harry's identity so Eddy pushed him out when he got in his personal space and Edd started ranting about the rudeness of these magic users. A girl with bushy brown hair entered and chills made themselves known to Harry. The feud that would ensue between her and Double D was going to become legendary it seemed. At least Edd had an actual life in the middle of the scams. The girl really didn't have anybody. She wasn't comfortable in her own skin.
Neville Longbottom came by; he was a sad boy really, but Harry felt they'd get along well. The portly boy was a pureblood and promised to teach Harry what he should have learned growing up in 'their world' as the Head of his House.
Three to a boat, the Eds went along and Harry boated with Neville and a Slytherin by the name of Alex Moon who was as quiet as himself and somewhat similarly demented, but pureblood and quite uncomfortable in this role. He decided that would have to change.
The first view of the school was intoxicating, but Harry knew it was magic, and not simply the view making them think that, Imperius-like spells taking hold so that they'd return. He was angered again and glad he knew as it wouldn't affect those aware. A blonde boy badmouthing Eddy was treated with harsh yelling from the narcistic boy, and he, along with two somewhat reminiscent of Ed's brain all fell out of their boat.
Eddy soon started badmouthing anything and everything he could and Harry knew he'd have to change that. He couldn't have the narcistic boy corrupting others like that, especially with some of the words they had come up with over the years. Their own special slanguage told the cul-de-sac that Eddy needed to be tempered soon.
The musical hat he knew of and would greet when it was his turn. The old professor by the name of McGonagall stood at the top of the Great Hall. She seemed shocked that the list of first years wasn't in any discernable order-usually it was in ABC order. First years were called up randomly. Jonny was called and he still sat there as his piece of wood was actually called. Harry was amused.
Jonny, Plank, Jimmy, and Ed went to Hufflepuff, though that hat seemed stuck on Ed. Neville, Nazz, Granger, and Weasley went into Gryffindor. Ravenclaw House welcomed Double D, and Rolf. The Kanker sisters were put into Gryffindor as one. Because of his ambition, Eddy was made a snake, and Sara said she looked good in green.
The poor old hat seemed to age before their eyes, withered by the time the last name was called. "Potter, Hadyn James." It was a long sorting, most whispers quiet at least. Harry made sure his conversation was pleasant and helped up the hat's attitude while he could. "Alistor" instructed him to look him up later. And when the hat opened up its mouth almost an hour later it let out a cry and actual tears fell from its gooby cracky eye slits. "Why do you torture me so?" Then it took in a loud long breath and shouted, "Kids from the Culdosak are to go into PRIVATE STUDIES under their Heads of Houses; POINTS SYSTEM is optional for them; CHILDREN FROM THE CULDOSAK are under HARRY'S watch." And then as if nothing happened, the hat shouted "SLYTHERIN!" The hall didn't move or make a sound for some time despite the clapping of the kids from the Culdosak.
When the fourteen kids, and the piece of wood, were moved as one it was only close to the shock that the Boy-Who-Lived was marked in green and silver. The greasy haired professor at the left end of the table literally fainted and the old man in the middle, Harry was becoming to like less and less. It was a good thing he had been studying Occlumency with the rest of them, though Ed didn't really need it, or he would never have know about the dozen separate probes scratching on their shields. His booby-trapped mind latched on and turned all their hair a multiple amount of horrendous colors, in which both the Headmaster and the stone-cold teacher now sported.
Speculations and rumors ran rampant and Harry was becoming severely annoyed. What right did they have to think they knew him?! In the morning he'd write the head of the Auror department and ask for an investigation. The Minister was a real pain in the ass, but he'd had Double D read up on the laws and people themselves. When the schooling was over, Harry wasn't sure he wanted them staying in this bad-ass-backwards place full of corruption. They were practically praying at him as a baby because he survived.
The Culdosak kids claimed a whole wing of the easy-access dungeons and blocked off all sneaky entrances. There was no way they would be spied on. Double D was currently working on a spell to take the tracers and alerts off of their wands, though they didn't need them for everything.
They claimed abandoned classrooms with carious different views to the outside world and turned them into dorms and a system of rooms that would become their home-in-work. While the Kankers worked on elaborate bedrooms to fit each person as they were, Harry worked on his kitchen, as he was the only one who could really cook. Double D started amassing the library. Ed and Eddy started and a multi-purpose room with a pinball machine and ideas for future electronics when Edd got done with his creations.
Nazz, Sara, and Jimmy started on the fourteen bathrooms. It was sort of understood without saying anything that they were there so that Harry could keep an eye on them. The Occlumency lessons were underway but not perfect. They didn't even get to bed until just after midnight. Transfiguring simple mattresses was harder then it looked.
The first day was bound to be long. Breakfast started with a bang when the Weasley twins pulled some prank on the teachers' table earning them two weeks of detention with Filch. It was well-cooked and homemade but Harry stuck with the basics that weren't laced with a multitude of things.
Ed however was stuffing himself with everything, and when he looked up his eyes were as mixed up as usual and no one needed to be told that the brainless wonder was immune to what he didn't know was there in food.
The first class of the Monday, Transfiguration with the Head of Gryffindor House. It wasn't bad exactly, but an amused session of watching the Granger girl try to correct the Weasley first year was mirrored when Double D tried to help Eddy, and the lout began bad mouthing the whole idea of magic. It was then that Edd had to remind Professor McGonagall that they weren't exactly point-deductible that left her flustered. Harry wasn't sure if he was going to like the class or not.
The second class, Charms with the Ravenclaw Head of House, Flitwick, was pretty much the same. Half of the cul-de-sac burst out laughing when the small professor fell off his stack of books, and many of the feathers burst into flame, but it wasn't life altering.
The third class of the day would have after-effects. The Professor had rushed in like a bat out of hell, literally, with some practiced speech. Questioning "Potter" with problems he shouldn't have known was only the beginning. He acted very unprofessionally and then went to battering him with words.
It was such a pity, for Snape, that he didn't look around into the eyes of the rest of the cul-de-sac and realize that there would be payback. It was a good thing that he couldn't get through Harry's aching shields or the ass would have been warned that what he was doing was VERY wrong.
