Chapter Nine.
A/N...and here is the next instalment – as promised. I hope it lives up to expectations! Please review and let me know what you think...your amazing feedback makes me type faster...as you can tell I'm not above bribery or begging – I'm now officially a review junkie! Hope you enjoy... Xxx
"Please Trace..." Andy had finally decided enough was enough, she would do whatever it took to get her friend to agree to her plan, and pleading with her was first on the planned list of tactics after Traci had predictably and instantly vetoed her suggestion as soon as the words had left her lips.
"We can't...you're supposed to be on bed rest...Andy you're not well enough, I can't risk it."
"I'm fine."
A raised and questioning eyebrow was Traci's only response to her friend. She wasn't getting drawn into this...it was madness. If Andy didn't want to be concerned for her own welfare then she was just going to have to be.
"I'm not suggesting I sprint down there! I can stay put in the chair the whole time – that's no different to what I'm doing here. Please Trace...C'mon! I'm pretty sure all the wards here work the same shift pattern – that means we have fifteen minutes until shift change. It's the only time they are going to be distracted enough not to question us too much when we go in – and they won't even notice I'm gone from here for at least an hour – no one has to know...please...I need to see him! I need to see him, and I can't do it on my own!"
Traci let go of a defeated sigh and smiled slightly – shaking her head at her friend. "I can't believe I'm letting you talk me into this..."
Andy smiled instantly in response – if Traci had been any closer she was pretty sure she would have hugged her tight enough to stop her breathing, but she settled for a heartfelt "Thank you" instead.
"You promise me you're well enough for this – and I'm putting a time limit on it Andy. Thirty minutes, and I'm bringing you back."
"Yes, yes, yes...fine."
"Ok." Traci offered her friend a nod of agreement, and walked over to her door – peering out and down the hall before looking back at Andy's expectant gaze. "Ok...I'm going to try and borrow one of the wheelchairs at the nurse's station – I'll be back in five."
They rounded the corner of the hallway past the ICU waiting room, and the shift change briefing and Andy finally felt like she could breathe normally again. They had miraculously managed to make it past every possible checkpoint without too much of a problem – and she hadn't allowed herself to think this idea might actually work until now – she just wanted to feel like she had at least tried. Traci stealthily pushed Andy into a dark hallway corner – away from prying eyes, and moved around so that she was facing her friend.
"Ok...I'm just going to go and see if I can find which room he's in...I'll be right back – you just stay here."
Andy raised her eyebrow pointedly in response to the look that her friend gave her. "Where am I going to go Trace?"
"Do you want me to help you?"
"Yes – ok...just...go."
Andy watched her friend make her way down the long hallway in front of her, and she knew as soon as she had found him. She saw her pause and open the door and she felt like her heart missed a beat. She wanted to see him, she really did...but now that she was actually here she wasn't expecting to feel so conflicted. She could feel the anxiety that had been her constant silent companion for the past week increase its hold on her internal organs, and she was finding it difficult to breathe. She saw Traci close the door again and make her way back down the hall until she was stood in front of her, but she didn't really register her – her eyes were still focused on his doorway. It took a couple of minutes for her to register the fact that Traci was actually talking to her.
"Andy...hey...Andy? Are you sure this is a good idea – I can take you back...you don't have to..."
"Yes I do."
"Andy..."
"I need to see him..."
"Ok." Traci held her hands up to indicate surrender, moved around to the back of the chair and slowly pushed her down the hall. She wasn't entirely convinced this was a good idea, and she wanted to give her every opportunity to reconsider before they reached his door because then there would be no going back. She could understand where she was coming from, and she knew she would have felt the same way if she hadn't been able to see Jerry – but that didn't stop her being concerned for her. They made it to within about two feet of his hospital room door when a small squeak from Andy made her stop in her tracks. She manoeuvred the wheelchair into the side of the hall out of the way of people passing, and rounded to the front of it – kneeling in front of Andy and reaching out to take hold of her hand.
"Sarah..."
Traci stared back at her friend in confusion. "What?"
"Sarah...Sarah - Sam's sister. I've never even met her before...this isn't exactly how I hoped our first meeting was going to go...across a hospital room...hey – I'm Andy, the reason your brother is fighting for his life in an ICU unit...it's so nice to finally meet you!"
"Andy..."
"What? It's true! What am I supposed to say to her?"
"Andy..." Traci attempted to offer some reassurance by squeezing her friend's hand, and she tried to gain her friends distracted attention – but her panicked expression refused to acknowledge her.
"She's going to hate me...what am I going to say to her Trace? Seriously?"
"She's not here."
"What?"
"There's nobody in there...I don't know where she is, maybe she just needed to get some air – but there's nobody else in there...it's just Sam." Traci saw Andy's shoulders droop slightly as a bit of tension left her body, and she let out a small sigh. She reached out for her other hand and squeezed both of them, making sure she had Andy's full attention and decided to try one more time. "Are you sure you're up to this? I can take you back and we can try this another time Andy – it's ok if you don't want to do this yet."
Andy shook her head definitely in response, and took a deep shaky breath. Traci noted the unshed tears appearing in her friends eyes, and resisted the urge to reach out and hug her – she needed to wait for her to say the words, because if she couldn't speak the words to say that she was ok to do this then Traci was taking her straight back. "I need to see him."
Traci gave her a small smile and a slight nod of her head to indicate her acceptance, before standing up and taking a few steps backwards and pushing open Sam's door – wedging a chair under the handle so that she could keep it open long enough to push Andy's chair through and inside Sam's room.
Andy barely registered that Traci had left the room – she knew she had, she had felt her squeeze her shoulder lightly and just about registered something about giving her some time and being back in half an hour – but that was it. She had been too focused on her breathing and trying not to have a meltdown in front of her in the hope that it meant she would agree to helping her do this again. It had taken every inch of will power that she had to keep her tears at bay, and now that she knew she was alone with Sam there was nothing to stop them from falling. She reached for his hand and brought it up to her lips, grazing his knuckles with several light kisses before placing it back by his side – keeping her fingers tightly wrapped around his and giving his had a small reassuring squeeze in the hope that he would feel it and know that she was there. She tried to ignore the machines, and the incessant beeping from his pulse monitors and screens on the other side of his bed – and instead her eyes studied his face. He looked peaceful. She was glad there was no longer a respirator needed. There was nothing quite so obtrusive attached to him anymore, and if she ignored the rest of the wires and tubes attaching him to the other monitors and his oxygen supply she could almost make herself believe he was just sleeping.
"Hey..." almost make herself believe, but not quite...and the crack in her voice was physical evidence enough of that fact. She tried again; looking down at her hand wrapped around his and took a shaky breath. "Sam...I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can. I really hope you can...and I really hope you're listening. You have to get better – I need you to get better and get through this – I need you." Andy squeezed his hand again as if to emphasize her point, and pulled it up to her lips again for another kiss. She started to absent-mindedly trace non-existent patterns on his arm with her other hand, something she used to do when he would wrap his arms around her while they were laid out on the couch watching TV, or on the rare occasions when she would wake before him and find his arms tightly wrapped around her and holding her to his chest. The realisation of what she was doing hit her like a tonne of bricks after a few minutes, and brought a fresh batch of tears in its wake.
Andy allowed herself to wallow in her tears for no longer than a couple minutes before she attempted to battle with her emotions her again. She was supposed to be here for him now – she needed to be the strong one. She let out an exasperated sigh, and relinquished her grip on Sam's hand – wiping away her tears and pulling a tissue from the box on his bedside cabinet in an attempt to stop her sniffling. She threw away her tissue in the waste paper basket beside the cabinet and placed both her hands on the side of his bed – using it as leverage to pull herself out of her chair. The pain of the movement made her catch her breath, and brought a fresh dampness to her eyes – she tried, but couldn't hold in the whimper caused the pain of moving – especially from her side, but she refused to let it to stop her in her tracks. She battled with herself until her body complied and she could eventually reach out her hand and run her fingers tenderly through Sam's hair. She leant forward so she could place a gentle kiss on his forehead, despite the protests she could feel from her injuries, and traced her fingers along his jaw. She battled against the pain of standing and leaning just long enough nudge his nose with her own – they way he always did with her, and kiss the tip of his nose. She whispered an "I love you" in his ear, kissed his cheek and then allowed herself to collapse back in her chair – reaching for his hand again, and attempting to breathe through the angry waves of pain that had managed to surface above her morphine. She was so focused on attempting to get some air into her lungs, and get over the pain induced bought of nausea swarming around her that she hadn't registered the door to Sam's room opening, or the footsteps. She hadn't registered anybody else appearing in his room until they offered a loud clearing of their throat in a way of announcing their presence. It was that sound that brought Andy's focus back into the room again, and her head whirled around in the direction of the door – eyes wide, and grip tightening on Sam's hand subconsciously.
"Hi."
"Hi...I'm sorry...I just...I needed...I just wanted to see him for a bit."
"You don't have to apologise." Sarah offered her a small warm smile, and a glimpse of the infamous Swarek dimples – which instantly pulled a small smile from Andy in response.
"I'm Andy..."
"I know." Sarah pulled a chair from the corner of the room across to the other side of Sam's bed, and took a seat. "He's doing ok you know...so they tell me. I mean considering everything" Sarah waved her arms around the room in a physical indication of her point. "He's a tough cookie my brother – always had to be. He's breathing without machines now...kind of...he's getting there slowly. I think he secretly likes the attention."
Andy started to feel uncomfortable. She appreciated the fact that Sarah was attempting to reassure her, but the worry behind her words was still plain to see and as a result only served to heighten the guilt she already felt for the whole situation. The combination of that along with the silence that had now fallen over the room only served to make her even more agitated and she felt the need to explain herself.
"I'm sorry...I'm really not great at hospitals, even being a patient in one – but...I...this wasn't exactly how this was supposed to happen, and I was kind of hoping to meet you under slightly less stressful circumstances – a lot less stressful actually – well still a little bit stressful, because I know how important you are to Sam and that would..." Andy took note of the perplexed expression gracing Sarah's features and inwardly grimaced at herself.
"...I'm sorry...I ramble a lot when I'm nervous... I just...you should know that..." Andy attempted to gain some control back over her vocabulary with a few deep breaths and tried again. "I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm really crazy about your brother. Ridiculously crazy actually..."
"I know that too." Sarah grinned widely at the girl sat opposite her. "He told me you were allergic to silence."
