Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter was inspired by the Foo Fighters' song "Big Me". I hope you all enjoy.

"Outside the Box" chapter 9: Big Me

Edward mumbled, yet whispered something against my door. It sounded like he said he wanted food?

What the fuck?

I snorted, and then stared at my door. Then I shook my fist at the door while I groaned and pulled at my hair with my free hand. I did some jumping too.

I get very animated when I'm angry.

When I asked him what he wanted, I meant it in reference to us. "So, go eat something then, ass munch!" I pulled myself away from the door and called Rosalie.

That bitch was not supportive of me in the slightest. She protested, tried to bribe me, and even pleaded with me not to go through with it. So, I did what any girl who needs moral support would do.

The next morning, after I picked up Jax, I asked Leah to come hold my hand. I did lie to her. I told her I wanted to go for a jog, knowing that she jogs on Saturday mornings. Then when we met up, I told her the truth.

Most women fool around with hair dye in their teens—feel the need for change—and go for it. But I have always been a brunette. I've never even had highlights before.

I know this might be shocking.

It's a big step. It's a scary step, even.

My mother used to have hair that trailed all the way down to her ass. It was a little longer than mine is now. One day she put it in a ponytail, and then just cut that shit off. She was looking for change. She didn't think of the ramifications beforehand. Oh, no! She just chopped it all off and let out a horrified wail after.

She has since grown used to having shoulder-length hair and has styled her hair that way since.

Could I get used to being a blonde?

I mean, isn't the saying "Blondes have more fun"?

I want to have fun—and get Edward's attention—but that's beside the point.

No. It's not.

That is the point.

"You're really doing this for a guy?" Leah frowned at me. "EMBRY! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!"

I cringed away from her as she screamed at her kid. Then I looked down to Jax. He still has that cone on his head, yet that is not stopping him from trying to lick his junk. "Stop!" I scolded. "We're in public. You're embarrassing me," I said down to him.

"You think that's embarrassing? Wait until you have kids," she laughed. "You were saying?"

I blew out a breath and continued to eat my ice cream. "I'm so far away from that—" I waved my arm at her kid and never finished my statement.

Our Saturday morning jog turned into ice cream at Central Park. "He's playing in the Village tonight—some open mic night. And I thought I'd get the new hair, a new outfit, and hit on him?" I shrugged. "It sounds good up here." I pointed to my head. "But then…I don't know. What if he goes for it? We kiss—maybe do more, and then 'surprise, it's me'? I don't know if it will work. What do you think?"

She shook her head. "Clubs are dark, but not that dark. How do you plan to disguise your face?" Leah asked.

"Sunglasses." I nodded.

"In a dark club?" she laughed.

"Or...or...or—" I got excited and jumped around some. "I can go to where he works. I can sit in the restaurant and hit on him. I can ask him out?"

She nodded. "You'd have an excuse for the sunglasses. When is your hair appointment?"

"Um..." I looked down to my phone. "At eleven, so we should head to the salon now."

"How about a wig?" she asked.

I stopped walking. "Huh?"

"A wig? They have wig stores. We can go check them out. We'll find the least cheesy wig—a nice, real-looking one. You're about to spend over $100 to drastically change your hair, just so you can dye it back on Monday. I know you. This plan won't work, but you'll still do it and lose the money anyway. Buy a wig instead. Save yourself the trouble."

I listened, soaked in her words, and decided she was a fucking genius. "Why didn't Rose think of that?" I asked.

She laughed at me. "Probably because…changing yourself is just stupid. But this way…you won't damage your hair." She pulled on my ponytail.

"He only dates blondes. He went out with Chelsea again—at least, I believe he did—the other night. He took her to some bar, and that was after I flashed him…That's five times since we came back from Long Island." I held up my hand and spread my fingers.

She put my hand down. "We're not at school...calm down now."

I huffed out a breath. "Ever since I found out I like him, I'm—I'm obsessed!" I threw my hands up. "I never liked a guy like this before, ever. In all my years on this planet. And that's a long fucking time." I faced her.

"You're twenty-nine."

"I'm old, and I want to rub my girlie parts on his face," I laughed.

"What does he look like?" she asked.

I squealed. "Wanna see? He's probably up now watching cartoons."

Leah nodded. "Yeah...I do...EMBRY! LET'S GO!"

"Damn..." I took another bite of my ice cream and threw it in the trash. "We should stop for coffee first. He likes coffee," I said. Then I looked down to Jax. "Ready to introduce Leah to your fuck-hot poppa?" I got excited when Jax wagged his tail.

My pooch-a-lot-a-pooch knows the deal.

Leah grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face her. "Are you sure you still want to live with this guy?"

I nodded.

"No…I mean…you can't go on like this. You guys are set to move into the new place this week… I just don't want to see you get hurt. What if he's serious with this Chelsea? And you're going to move in, all hopeful…I just…Bella, are you sure about this? I mean—wigs, hair dye, and all the crap. Why not just talk to him?"

I looked down to my feet. "I tried."

"When? What happened?"

I turned and started walking again. "I chickened out. I couldn't do it… I flirt with him all the time. He flirts back, and then just leaves. Just like that—magic!" I snapped my fingers. "We get heavy into nasty talk and then—he just goes."

"That's weird. You sure he's not into you?"

I shook my head no. "I don't do subtle flirting. The night we met? He wouldn't even sleep with me and I was right there…legs spread, wanton, panting like a fucking dog…and then he screws Chelsea." I swallowed back some tears. "I hate this and I have to know…the wig and hair dye thing is stupid. I know that. But I figured if I flirted with him or spoke to him like a stranger, the way I do now, I'll know if it's just me or…whatever." I slumped my shoulders.

She groaned and wrapped her arm around me. "I hate seeing you like this." She kissed my cheek. "He better be fucking hot or I'm kicking your ass."

That made me giggle, and then we walked to my apartment. Leah would not let me get him coffee, and said he can get his ass up and get it himself.

EDWARD

When I woke up, I knocked on Bella's bedroom door. I was disappointed that she wasn't here. It's odd for her not to be home this early. On Saturdays she usually sleeps until noon. Huh? But then I just figured she went to pick up Jax.

I sent her a text, asking about her whereabouts, and received no answer.

Before I called Rose and started to panic anyway, I decided to clean up to keep myself busy. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, swept and mopped the living room, and then checked my cell phone again.

Bella didn't text me back, but I had a text from Chelsea.

"I think we really need to talk. Please call me back—Chels"

I rolled my eyes at the phone and threw it back down.

Last night, after Bella told me to go eat something, I called Rosalie. She was on the phone, but kept switching back and forth between me and some other person. I was desperate and in need of advice, so I waited patiently each time.

And each time I was put on hold, I would loiter outside Bella's bedroom. I hoped she'd open the door, but she was also speaking to someone.

Ironic.

Also, every time Rosalie went to the other call, my mind wandered. I came up with the solution to my problem.

I plan to tell Bella—Just do it, but not only do it, but do it in a big way.

Rosalie asked me not to. She pleaded and begged for me to just sit down and talk to her, but I disagreed. Bella needs to know that I'm serious. I can't take her out to fancy restaurants or buy her nice things, but I have a pretty decent voice and I can play the piano.

I begged Rosalie to make sure that Bella comes to the Side Walk Cafe tonight. I have to work beforehand. I had to ask my buddy Pete, who is also performing, to sign me up.

I also spoke to my manager and he said he'd let me leave at nine.

I plan to sing her a song, and then maybe just talk to her? She should be able to pick up my feelings from the song, but just in case she can't, I'm there to translate.

Then afterward, maybe we can walk off into the humid, smog-filled Manhattan air together?

Rose told me to write my own song. That Bella couldn't possibly get what I'm trying to say by my song choice—Don't Stop Believing by Journey—I don't write my own shit. I just like to play, and I don't do it in the hopes of becoming famous. I just can't afford my own piano, and Tanya threw my $1,000 Casio into a bathtub filled with water.

You know what? I don't even care.

Because if it weren't for Kate, I would never have noticed Bella the way I did.

I was just taking some Windex to the television when I heard the key in the door. My heartbeat sped up, and I tried to look casual. It doesn't get any more casual than cleaning in your boxers. So I kept at it.

"Um...Edward?"

I tried to rein in my smile when I turned to face her. "Oh..." I covered my crotch with the spray bottle, and yet smiled widely. Jax was with her and they weren't alone. "Come here, buddy." I bent down so Jax could run to me. Bella had a friend and a half with her, too. She had a woman and a little boy with her, actually. "How are you feeling, huh?" I petted Jax's head. He looked fine, very happy to be home.

"Edward?" Bella asked.

I smiled and looked up to her.

"Um…you might want to put the mouse back in the house." She pointed to where my cock was peeking out of my boxers.

"Jesus!" I hopped up. "I'm so…I'm sorry." I said to her friend and the kid. I was mortified, and yet they didn't look like they noticed.

"Leah...Embry…this is Edward." Bella grinned and stared at my crotch. "He puts on quite a good show."

I raised a brow and put out my hand. "It's nice to meet you…please excuse me." I shook her hand, and then ruffled the little guy's hair.

"Mommy?" He turned back to Leah. "I have to pee."

Leah laughed and then ushered him past us. She must have been here before.

"I should go change," I said.

Bella bit her lip and squinted her eyes. "You don't have to."

I sucked in a shaky breath. "But I should." I usually live for stares like those, but nowadays it's just confusing. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we did have sex that night. Would that have been it? Is she just attracted to me and nothing else? "I was wondering where you were." I put my foot in my mouth again. When I ask things like that she accuses me of being her father.

She nodded. "All day yesterday, I wondered the same thing." She walked past me.

I caught her arm. "And? You should have called me. I sent you a text." I was confused...once again.

"You did?" She shrugged out of my hold; I retracted my hand back fast.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"It was on silent," she said. "You went out with Chelsea the other night. How was that? I never had the chance to ask you." She stared up at me. "Did'ja give it to her good?" She punched the air with a wide smile.

"It wasn't like that," I whispered.

"So what was it like?" she asked. "Were you with her yesterday, too?"

I shook my head no.

"Bella?" Leah came back in. "Oh, sorry. Um…number one turned into number two, and you're out of toilet paper."

I pointed. "On the kitchen counter. I forgot. Sorry."

"Thanks." Leah disappeared again.

I looked back to Bella. "Rose said you're coming to the Cafe tonight? It would really mean a lot if you were there—don't feel pressured. It's no big deal—no, it is." I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling like an ass. "You've never seen me perform before."

"Yeah…we spoke early this morning…I might. I don't have a date or anything, but maybe that Mike will be there. She said your brother might come too." Bella frowned.

"Carlisle?" I asked. "He never comes to watch me perform." I became a nervous shit then. I bet somehow he knows what my plans are. I bet Rose told Mom and Mom told him. This suddenly wasn't a good idea. If I choke, I'll never hear the end of it. If Bella comes and I just sing another song, she'll be clueless as to what my plans were. If more know and I don't do it...well, it'll just suck.

"I don't know…that's what she said." Bella pulled on her tank top—it's really my white undershirt—and she wore a colorful sports bra under with sweat shorts.

"Were you working out or something?" I asked, taking in her attire…again. She looked sexy as hell.

She chuckled. "I want to lose a few, so Leah came for a walk with me. We just ended up getting ice cream," she continued to laugh, "I can never diet."

"Don't," I said. "You look amazing as is."

"Well...I can't work on being taller, but these—" She grabbed her thighs. "Can be a little smaller, along with this—" She patted her stomach.

I shook my head. "You're perfect." I touched her cheek. "Don't change anything."

She frowned. "Well, perfect hasn't gotten me very far...but thanks for being...nice?"

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing—LEAH!" She screamed. "WE GOTTA GO!"

"Why are you screaming?" I laughed.

"So she can hear me." She pursed her lips. "I'll be there tonight. But if it's weird 'cause I'm alone...I'm out."

I smirked at her. "And what if Mr. Right is at the club?"

"You think so?" she asked.

I nodded. "He might be...remember?"

She snorted. "Don't stop believing." She crossed her fingers. "I'll tell you, though...it's becoming increasingly difficult to keep hope alive."

I didn't know how to reply to that. I felt the same way. "Where are you headed now?" I asked.

She giggled and walked around me. I took that opportunity to grab some clothes and throw them on.

"Shopping. Maybe get a haircut. I don't know…if I'm not back…make sure you walk my Baby-boo before you go to work." She held Jax awkwardly while he wore his new accessory. Plus, he's grown quite a bit over the last few weeks. He's pretty big now, and Bella looks ridiculous when she holds him. "Love you, sweets!" She kissed his nose and put him down.

I nodded and pulled a shirt over my head. "Have fun."

She winked at me before she disappeared into the kitchen.

BELLA

"Damn...he's cute." Leah said, once we had left the building. "What was that 'mouse in the house' shit about?"

I smiled. "I told you he was cute, and I was just fucking with him," I lied. His shit was totally hanging out, looking perfect and as delicious as always. I swore it even spoke to me. It said, "Lick me". Nevertheless, I'm glad Leah didn't notice. That's my peen…or so I hope.

"He seemed...into you. Are you sure he doesn't reciprocate?" she asked.

I shrugged. "We're good friends. We've gotten a lot closer since we went away. He doesn't shut me out anymore—he used to do that—and we don't insult each other anymore. We're great. He's great." I smiled.

"And he cleans...if you ever change your mind, send him my way—Oh!" she stopped walking to face me. "I forgot to tell you. Guess who asked me out?"

"Who?" I asked.

"Jacob—the guidance counselor. You were seeing him, right?"

I winced. "Yeah, but..." I didn't know what to say.

"If it bothers you, I won't go out with him. I actually forgot all about it until now. I don't even know if I want to go." She rambled.

"He's really nice—weird, but nice. Go for it, if you want. Don't not go out with him because of me." I was not about to discuss Jake and sex with her, even if she's my friend. I think it's best she finds out for herself.

"I don't know...I'll see what's up." She made an uneasy face. "He's too nice sometimes, you know? I think that's a little creepy. Then again, the man is fine." She bit her lip. "And it has been too long since…you know."

"I know," I said, and then we walked down the subway stairs.

Shopping for a wig was an adventure. We went to three shops until we found one that was a decent price. The one I found was a beauty at $68. It was on sale because the hairstyle was last season. I didn't give a fuck. It was a long blonde wig with some short bangs. That's not an old style. It's more of a classic style, but trends change frequently, and I am not picky at all.

Next, I bought a pair of large faux Chanel sunglasses from a street vendor, along with a matching purse. Then we rapidly walked away. It's illegal to buy fake designer merchandise, and lately they're actually cracking down. They're arresting people—the poor who wish to be trendy— for that shit.

We stopped at Century 21—designer fashions at discount prices—for an outfit for me. I figured I'd wear what I buy to the restaurant, and then I'd wear it to the club tonight. Edward is a man and men don't notice things like clothes, right?

Leah didn't want me to risk it, so we went down a notch. I bought a mini skirt, a new pair of heels, and then we went to another store—Rainbow—so I could afford two blouses for tonight.

We did well. I bought a red sleeveless top with ruffles along the plunging neckline for my dinner at the restaurant, and a black halter top for me to wear tonight at the club.

Throughout our shopping adventure, I spoke to Leah in a southern accent. I aimed to sound like Reese Witherspoon, circa "Sweet Home Alabama", after she went back to Alabama. Leah reminded me that I can cover my face and hair, but what was I going to do about my voice?

By the end of our trip, she said I had it down, and her word was good enough for me.

All of that sounds simple, but it actually took us quite a while.

At around four, Leah and I went our separate ways. When I got home, it was close to five and the coast was clear. Edward had left for work already, so I rushed to get ready. I put A LOT of makeup on. I made my eyes look really dark with the liner, wore more eye shadow, and I actually wore red lipstick. It usually doesn't look right on me, but Leah said with the wig it would look perfect.

And it did.

Overall, I looked amazing— sexified even—with the sunglasses on.

That's the short version of sex, personified.

I nodded to myself and continued to stare in the mirror.

Without the sunglasses, I looked like Bella with blonde hair. I wasn't used to seeing myself that way, so it was weird.

Jax thought I was an imposter. He didn't give me any shit though, so I guess he won't morph into a great watchdog in years to come. Baby-boo winked at me. I swear he did, and I swayed my hips for him as I left.

As I locked the door after myself, I realized something. Jax is just like his daddy with the blonde shit.

Did we brunettes ever have a chance?

/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/

My reservation was for seven and deep down I know the subway would be fastest, but I decided to take a cab anyway. Traffic wasn't too bad. I managed to get there with five minutes to spare.

"May I help you?" The hostess smiled at me.

I adjusted my sunglasses. "Carmichael. Melanie Carmichael." I smiled and tried my new accent on a stranger. She looked at me suspiciously. I'm guessing she must be a fan of the movie "Sweet Home Alabama" as well.

I was on to her.

"Right this way—"

"Wait." I stopped her. "Um...when I called...I explained to someone that I received exceptional service from a young gentleman..."

"Oh, yes… We have a table for you in Edward's section."

I blew out a breath. "Thank you."

She showed me to a small table in the corner. It had one place setting and a candle lit. It looked cozy. When I sat, I pulled the blouse down a little and turned to the side to cross my legs. With the new heels my legs looked all kinds of long, and my cleavage was looking good too.

Case in point was that I actually had some.

Now all I had to do was wait for Edward.

"Good evening." He greeted me as he approached my table. "My name is Edward and I will be your server for this evening." He placed a drink down in front of me.

"Will you now? My server, huh?" I twirled a lock of my hair around my finger.

He grinned. "That's a Cosmopolitan." He pointed to the drink. "Compliments of the gentleman at the bar…" We both turned to look at the guy. He wasn't unfortunate looking, but my stare didn't linger long.

I waved and looked up to Edward. "Thank you," I said, southern style. "Neva had one of these befo'..." I sipped it, and decided the accent was a little thick just now. "Delicious." I toned it down.

"Well...I see you're all set for drinks. Can I start you with an appetizer? The stuffed clams are delicious."

I leaned forward. "What are they stuffed with?" I reached out to toy with his tie.

He chuckled and smoothed his tie down. "Crabmeat, breadcrumbs, carrots, celery, and assorted spices."

I shook my head no. "What else do you recommend?" I sipped my drink again and frowned. "I'm not liking this much." I pushed it away. "I'm more of a...Sex on the Beach kinda gal." I took the lime wedge out of the drink and lightly bit it.

It was just as sour as our banter, but drawing attention to my mouth is good.

Haven't you guys seen "Clueless"?

Edward raised his eyebrows and stared at the lemon wedge.

"You were saying?" I drew on my lower lip with it.

He cleared his throat. "I like the stuffed clams, but the stuffed artichoke is great too. I'll be back with your drink while you think on that." He touched the table and then took off.

I leaned back and threw the lime rind back into the martini glass.

I should have choked on it.

Then I wondered why he wasn't taking the bait. The night we met he spoke so freely to me, and now—now he's waiter-like.

I saw him coming back and pulled my blouse down a little more. Any lower and my nipples were going to join the party.

Would that be a bad thing?

I sighed as he put the drink on the table. "There's that handsome face."

He crookedly smirked at me. "Thank you, ma'am."

"Do I look like a 'ma'am'?" I grinned up to him, making sure to keep my mouth closed.

"I was being polite." He shrugged.

"Be polite over here… Have a seat." I pulled a neighboring chair over. "You don't look too busy." He really wasn't busy. Edward has made mention that the bistro slows down on summer nights.

Edward cleared his throat and sat down. "How's the drink?"

I sipped it and nodded. "Fantastic."

"Any thoughts regarding an appetizer?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm more starved for company than food. Can you relate?"

He frowned as he looked down. "No. I'm sorry to hear that."

I straightened out my napkin and leaned forward again. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

He looked around. "I'm sort of seeing someone," he said.

I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach but I was determined to play it cool. "Lucky girl. But sort of...that's not exactly a commitment, now is it?" I reached out to pick some lint off his shirt. "A handsome man like you...I'm in town for a few days. Did you maybe want to get together? Have drinks…me." I rubbed down his arm.

He leaned away from my touch. "I'm probably stupid…I bet most men would agree that I am… Lady, you're gorgeous, but I'm not interested. I may not have a commitment yet, but I love her… I won't screw up the chance I do have."

I leaned away from him because I had no idea what to say. I think I was in shock or something. I can see how sleeping with someone and dating them a few times is "sort of seeing someone" but, he loves her?

How…

Even my psyche was in shock, and I was never more thankful to be wearing sunglasses.

"G-good for you," I said, so low that I barely even heard me.

"Hey..." he whispered. "Are you okay? I can see how traveling can be lonely…I bet the guy at the bar would be thrilled to have dinner with you. Like I said, you are a very attractive woman…I'm so flattered. You have NO idea…it's just—"

I waved a hand and gulped loudly. Then I reached into my purse for a twenty and threw it down on the table. "I just remembered..." I trailed off, using Marcus's stellar ditching line, and then I practically ran out of the restaurant.

When I was in the street, I leaned back against a neighboring store window and tried to catch my breath.

Then, I thanked God that I didn't put myself out there—that I didn't tell Edward how I felt—as me.

Being thankful only lasted a minute at best before I felt an intense ache in my chest. Not only was I hurt, but I also felt physically wounded.

What the hell was this?

I rubbed it as I began to walk. I just walked in the direction of uptown, and kept walking.

So, he's not into me. Big deal. Why does it hurt this bad? This was like actual heart fail. It felt like I was having a goddamn heart attack, like my heart was actually breaking.

Even with our games: the flirting and me fucking with him all the time—the hot and cold mess we seem to love—in my heart of hearts I firmly believed that we would end up together.

Some dude in a hard hat whistled at me and I was in no mood.

"Fuck you!" I shouted, and kept on walking.

"Ay! Honey, what gives?" he asked.

"What gives?" I shook my fist. "Go fuck yourself!" I screeched.

"Whoa!" he shouted back.

I ignored him, and began to walk faster. Then when I was a few blocks away from the restaurant, I caught a cab. I asked the driver to take me home.

I cried—literally sobbed—and berated myself the entire way.

Instead of being alone and just wallowing in my misery, I grabbed the vodka out of the freezer. I tore off my wig, my shirt, and my shoes. I blasted some music, and then I drank.

I was still alone in my misery, except for Jax. I spoke to him as I drank. I told him everything, and decided that he was a great listener.

But after quite a few gulps I was feeling drunk…and just miserable.

"Why?" I asked Jax. Then I drank some more and danced some more. The more I danced and drank, the better I had started to feel. I had begun to feel fantastic, becoming the one-woman star of my own little pity party.

"First I was afraid, I was petrified…" I started to sing; meanwhile, the Foo Fighters played on the stereo. "Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side…but then I…"

I decided not to sing this shit anymore.

I felt victorious as I jumped up onto the couch. I will not feel sorry for myself. "It's times like these you learn to love again…" I jumped off the couch, flailing my arms and legs.

"Whoa!" I giggled, surprised to have landed on my feet.

So Edward loves Chelsea. Great. I hope they have ugly children.

I didn't go there.

Fuck, yes.

I did.

I hope they have ugly babies. I hope her ass gets fat. I hope their sex becomes dull, and she gets so ugly Edward cheats on her with a tranny.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, tranny is short for "transvestite".

Google it.

I let out a loud laugh as I jumped up and down on his stupid couch again.

Then I felt a little gassy, so I farted on his pillow, hoping to give him pinkeye or some shit.

As I did that, I heard someone pounding away on the door. I stared at the door wide-eyed, before I hopped off the couch to lower the volume of the music.

"Who is-is it?" I shouted or maybe slurred. There's no difference at this point in time.

"It's Rosalie. Open this fucking door." That bitch pounded again.

"Rose!" I shouted happily and opened the door wide. It wasn't only Rose. She had Emmett(s) with her, as in plural. There were two. "Wow…" I leaned away as they all entered my apartment, but as I reached out to touch the second Emmett—I'm guessing she brought him for me—my hand went right through him. "He's a ghost," I said.

"What are you talking about?" Rose laughed as she picked up my salvation in a bottle. "How much of this did you drink?"

I shrugged, and turned the music back up. "Let's dance…make my way back home and I'll learn to fly," I sang.

"Uh-oh." Rose turned to Emmett. "She only listens to Foo Fighters when she's upset. She thinks her dad looks like Dave Grohl—"

"That's—that's just weird." Emmett, that fuck—the first one, the second disappeared—turned my music back down. "Maybe she should um...put clothes on?" He looked to Rose.

I looked down. I was in my skirt and bra. "I'm good," I said.

"Why didn't you come to the Cafe? Edward waited and waited..." Rose took me by my shoulders.

"Fuck him." I burped. "...'xcuse me."

"Since when?" She looked sad and that made me sad.

I looked to Emmett. "What did you do?" I asked.

He put his hands up and backed away from us.

"Bella, look at me." Rose smacked my cheek. "Why didn't you come tonight? He waited for you, and then he didn't even perform."

"Who?" I asked.

"Edward." Rose groaned.

"Babe, I think...maybe you should have this conversation tomorrow," Emmett said.

"No…he'll be here soon and I'm so tired of playing secret keeper. I plan to tell her, before he tells her. That way—"

"You should stay out of it," Emmett laughed.

"No way...I don't know what her deal is, but…he'll be here soon, and she won't believe him, or some catastrophic thing will happen—these two are hopeless." Rose threw her hands up.

"Let Edward tell her when he's ready. I think she should go to bed," Emmett said.

"To bed, he said!" I laughed so fucking hard.

"You're so trashed…" Rose stared at me.

I nodded and that made me feel dizzy. "Edward can suck a cock." I sat down on the couch. "He loves Chelsea, and I farted on his pillow," I laughed out loud, but my laughing stopped when Edward walked in. "What are you doing here?" I shouted.

"I live here," he said. He looked so handsome I was at a loss for words. He was wearing clothes and a scowl.

"Hi." I waved.

He shook his head and walked into the kitchen.

I looked to Rose. "What's his problem? I'm the heartbroken one."

"Why are you heartbroken?" she whispered.

"He loves Chelsea—" I said and then ran into the kitchen after him. I saw him open the freezer and then slam it closed.

"Did you drink my vodka?" He wouldn't even look at me.

"Just a little, and I would have drunk it all if it weren't for those meddling kids and that pesky dog," I laughed.

"Funny…" He walked past me again.

I followed him into the living room. He grabbed what was left of the vodka and collapsed onto the sofa. "I wouldn't even be here if I had anywhere else to go," he said to me, and then tilted his head back to take a swig. "I had big plans tonight, but no…"

"So did I!" I shouted. "I had plans."

"Where were you anyway? I tried calling you?" Rose asked.

I shrugged. "I went out to dinner… Hence the nice clothes." I gestured to myself. "Didn't even enjoy it—had no foods."

Edward laughed. "What'd you have a date? Is he still here? Or did you send him packing? You're like a fucking praying mantis. Once you're done—they don't do what you want—" he slid his finger across his throat, "you're…they're done."

"Ugh!" I scoffed, and then jumped up and down. "Fuck you, Mister!" I folded my arms across my chest.

Rose stood from the couch. "I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I've had enough."

"Don't you dare!" Edward had shouted. "I'm done. Whatever I thought before is dead—that's it. She can't even keep a promise. What the fuck was I thinking?"

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I knew he was talking about me.

Emmett shook his head. "We're missing something here."

And all three of them looked to me.

"What?" I asked, and held my hand out for the vodka bottle.

"You've had enough," Rose said.

"Yeah, beat it, sister." Edward held it away from me.

"Sister." I snickered. "That's all I am, right? A sister. A buddy. Well, fuck you...I hope you have ugly children and a tranny gives you crabs." I poked his chest. I heard Rose and Emmett laughing, but Edward still wore a frown. "So where's your girl? The one you're 'sort of' seeing?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Babe, we should go—let them work shit out," Emmett said.

I turned to look at Rose. She looked defeated and sad. "We should…" She looked to me. "I want to know what all this was about. Call me tomorrow, if you remember." She looked to Edward. "Make sure she's okay…you'll put her to bed?" Rose asked.

Edward rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yeah…" He grumbled and then let out a sigh.

I scoffed. "He is not putting me to bed. He couldn't that first night…could you, Edward?" I asked.

He balled his hands into fists. "Can you go into your room? I don't want to see you right now…and I don't want to leave with you being so drunk," he said calmly.

"I'll call you." Rose waved.

I gave her a salute and sat down next to Edward, while they let themselves out. "Why?" I asked him.

He gulped back some vodka. "Why, what?" He looked to me. "Put a shirt on."

"God forbid, I disgust you." I stood up putting out my hands.

"You're a nasty drunk sometimes, you know that?"

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"No…sometimes…you're just a really horrible person."

I swallowed, and then sobered up a bit when he said that. "I know." I looked down and bit my quivering lip. "So thank God, you dodged this bullet, right?" I pointed to myself.

He didn't reply as he stared down to the floor.

I stared at him while I quietly sobbed. I tried not to make any noise, but it was hard.

"Why are you crying?" he asked. "Who'd you fuck now? Is all the sex you have really that bad?"

"No one!" I shouted. "I'm just stupid—waaaah!" I wailed.

He reached out for my hand and pulled me down to sit. "How come when I want to be mad at you, I can't?"

I shrugged and wiped at my eyes. When I pulled my hands away from my face, I noticed that my fingers were black. I bet—from all the mascara—I looked like a raccoon or Amy Winehouse after a night out.

"You're my best friend, you know that, right?" he asked.

I nodded. "You're my best friend too, I think." Black fingers, a sniffling mess, and all; I reached for the bottle.

"No…you had more than enough…fuck…you're a mess. Did you eat anything? Where'd you go?" Edward's gaze had softened and he reached out to push my hair back.

I looked away from him. "I didn't eat anything."

He sighed and pushed himself off of the couch. "I'll make you a grilled cheese."

I threw myself at his feet and hugged his legs. "Why are you so wonderful?" I sobbed loudly. "I hope you're happy with Chelsea and you have pretty babies. You deserve so much—I'm horrible—Fuck that…" I hugged his legs tighter. "Be with me. Love me. Have my ugly babies." I molded myself to his legs. "I'm horrible, so I'm allowed to be selfish."

He bent over to pick me up, but I latched on to his legs.

"No…I won't let go!" I held on for dear life.

After a few moments of silence and him not moving, I looked up to his face. He had his face covered with his hands.

"Are you okay?" I rasped.

He uncovered his face and wore a smirk. "You're so trashed—adorable—but trashed. I think you should go to bed. I don't even know what you're talking about."

"I know you love Chelsea…but you should love me. I can learn to be a better person."

He tried to pick me up again.

"No!" I held onto his legs as best as I could. "Go ahead and marry her. See how far you get down the aisle with me here. Sex will definitely be awkward," I laughed.

"Can we sit on the couch? I promise I won't go anywhere," he said.

I moved so that I hugged one leg. "You can sit."

He slowly limped toward the couch with me sitting on his foot. Then, he sat down and stared at me.

"Don't look at me like that…" I turned my face away from him. "I'm almost thirty. You think I'm letting you go without a fight?" I rested my head on his knee.

"Can you come here?" He widened his arms. "My escape will still be difficult with you holding on up here."

I thought about it for a minute. He had a point, so I took his hands and climbed into his lap. Then I latched onto his neck. "I'm an Edward ornament," I laughed.

"You are," he sighed and hugged me so tight; it felt amazing. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Love me." I kissed his cheek.

"Love you?" he asked. "I already do."

"Not as a friend…" I licked his cheek. I don't know why I did.

I just did. He tasted salty—like spunk—but it was probably sweat. It was ninety degrees today. I licked him again.

"Hungry?" he laughed.

"Horny," I giggled. "But you taste like sunflower seeds."

"Christ…Are you serious?" He stared at me.

I leaned back. "Sunflower seeds taste awesome." I licked his cheek a third time. "And…I'm always horny."

"No…I mean…you're that fucked up?"

I shrugged.

He leaned his head to mine. "There are a few things I'd like to tell you, but I won't do it now. You're drunk and this could be the alcohol talking. And I'd really like for you to remember…I hope you're serious, too."

"Drunk men tell no lies, sexy pants." I bit his earlobe.

He shivered and leaned away from me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and the tears were back. I let go of him to sob into my hands again. "I was so stupid. I put on the wig and tried to seduce you as a blonde, so what would make me think I could do so now? I'm pathetic." I went to get off of him, but he held me close.

"What?" he asked.

"I was at the restaurant earlier. You'll need a long explanation as to why I was dressed like a southern blonde, but you said you loved Chelsea, so I should respect that." I shrugged.

"That was you? I knew that chick smelled familiar," he laughed. "Good job with the accent. I had no idea." He continued to laugh.

"It's not funny." I pushed him.

"I wasn't talking about Chelsea. I told her the other night—I told her to stop calling me."

"So, who..." I stared at him. "You're dating someone else?"

He grinned and palmed my face. "No." Then he stared at me, and I wondered what he was staring at.

I sniffled. "What?" I asked. "Do I have boogies?" I wiped my nose with my arm.

Edward pulled my arm away from my nose. "Bella, I—I—" He slumped his shoulders.

I tried to shake the drunk away, along with my tears. I still felt incredibly sad and drunk as I stared back at him, but most of all—out of every emotion or feeling—I still wondered what his deal was. "Um…" I looked down.

"I—I—" He stammered again.

I snorted. "Aye-Aye, Captain."

He chuckled. "I'm hopeless," he whispered.

I felt all kinds of defeated. I almost felt like I wanted to take back what I had said before. Maybe I should let Edward go without a fight. "Waaaah!" I wailed again at the thought.

Edward fussed over me while I cried out. It was one of those hold your breath—pausing—with your mouth wide-open cries. "Bella, breathe—"

My body shook and no sounds came out. I was just that sad.

"Bella?" He gave me a whack to my back.

"Awaaah!" I palmed my face. This time I just felt like an idiot. "I'm sorry." I hiccupped. "I—I think I might be getting my period."

I'm such a sellout, but fuck, you bitches would blame your menses too.

Just saying…

"Oh…" Edward rubbed my back.

I wiped at my eyes again. "So, who is she?" I swallowed.

This time, he opened his mouth like he was going to talk and nothing came out, not even a stammer.

"Y-you can tell me." I shivered.

He vigorously rubbed my arms. "You're freezing. Let me—" He pointed to the air conditioner and went to stand, but I held him in place.

"You can tell me anything," I whispered. "You don't have to be nervous. Whoever she is…well, she's pretty fucking lucky."

"Fuck…I hope you remember this," he smiled widely and slightly shook his head, "I was talking about you."

I blinked a few times.

"I'm sorry—fuck—"

"Wait." I pulled him back. "Me? You—you love me?" I cried and felt sick to my stomach, but happy.

He smiled so wide his eyes were almost closed. "I do…am I stupid?"

I shook my head no, and then puked in his lap.


Wacka! Wacka! Wacka!

I'm on a vomit spree.

Thank you!

There you have it...still want to strangle me?

Big me, by The Foo Fighters is one powerful song


Fic Recs

"Still Untitled" by Kirsten19191

Edward never liked children and he thinks they are a waste of time. He also never believed in love. Then he meets Bella in a bar and they have a one night stand. Will Bella change Edward's feelings on kids and love or will he stay the same?

So far, I am loving this fic. Lemon in chapter one? Super HOT! This author doesn't waste any time in giving us the goods. I FLOVE that! There's something up with Bella, and I'm waiting to find out. Edward is clueless, wears his heart on his sleeve, and yet at first he seems like a womanizer but, he's not. He's a player, and Bella intrigues him. No, this is not your dime a dozen fic where this happens. This one has a bit of mystery about it, and I'm hooked. I can't wait for the next chapter!

www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/s/6782154/1/Still_Untitled

"Ancient History" by Shattered Glass Rose

Bella's life is nothing spectacular. But, what happens when she decides to break out of her mold and be daring for a change. Will her efforts go unnoticed by the one person who matters to her? Or will she slip into the background once more? Jasper/Bella

This little gem just happens to be my ultimate fantasy. I will read anything that has that teacher/student scenario and this one is Jazella...need I say more?

Yeah, I will. This is only two chapters in, but I LOVE it. I'd have sex with it if I could. (I probably will) There's something so promising about it. I know and hope it gets naughty...Now I'll stop...LMAO. CHeck it out!

www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/s/7052456/1/Ancient_History


VOTING is now open for the Avant Garde awards. This is the real deal Holyfield, people! It's the last round and Quiet Storm made it in several categories: Hall of Fame, Best Edward, Best Bella, Best Carlisle, and Best Esme.

"Put the mouse back in the house" I'm sure it's been said by many, but I heard it from 'Friends'. Gunther said it to Phoebe's boyfriend in one episode.