Author's Note: To those of you whose reviews I didn't have a chance to reply to, thank you. And thank you everyone for your continued support.


Chapter 9

"So...now what?"

Castle shrugs, finally allowing his hand to drift away from the ring. "I don't know."

"We just...talk?" she asks with a half-shrug, unsure of how to handle this, where to go from here. "Is that...enough?"

He shrugs again, similarly clueless as to how to navigate their way through this situation. He's never really had to do this before, never bothered to actually resolve the fights. With Meredith, he had no interest in allowing her to apologize her way back in. With Gina, he's not sure they ever actually fixed anything, instead allowing it to fester and build until fighting was all they knew, all that was left between them.

But with Kate, he doesn't want that to happen. The sting of her lie, her semi-rejection of his proposal, is deeply embedded, and it's not something that's simply going to vanish after a couple apologies and a bout of makeup sex. It's going to take time and effort and probably more pain along the way. But despite it all, he still loves her. He still wants to see that ring on her finger, wants to believe without a doubt that she's as committed to him as he is to her. He wants it all, and he's willing to give her the chance to prove that she does too, that what she's said yesterday and today is true.

He's just not sure how they're going to get there.

"I've never done this before," Kate admits after a moment, taking the words right out of his mouth.

"Done what?"

"Fought like this. Or made it to the other side."

"Neither have I," he concedes.

"But I don't want that to happen to us," she continues, voice weak and trembling. "I don't want us to..." she shakes her head sadly, "I don't want to lose you."

He doesn't answer, doesn't even know what to say to that.

"Can we...make an agreement?" Kate hedges.

Castle fixes her with his gaze.

"We call each other out," she proposes. "And push harder."

"Push harder how?"

"To actually talk," she suggests. It's a lot to ask, and she doesn't foresee it going smoothly. Not at all. But she also knows that it's something that needs to happen. "To get to know each other."

"You've known me for five years."

She shakes her head. "I don't mean it like that. I mean know as in, shouldn't we know what we want for the future?" she questions. "Shouldn't we know where we see our careers going? Or whether we want to stay in Manhattan? Or whether we want kids? Because those things...those can be deal-breakers, Castle."

"I want to be with you," he counters without even stopping to think. "I can write from anywhere. I just want to be with you. And if you want kids...I'd love to be a father again. If not," he shrugs. "I have Alexis."

"Castle, that's not...I don't..." Kate trips over the words, pauses to regroup. "I've asked you to do this at my pace for so long now. And it means so much to me that you did, and that you waited for me." She shakes her head regretfully. "But...just like you didn't want me to turn down the job just to stay here with you, I don't want you to give up your dreams for the future just to be with me."

"But I'm serious, Kate. I can write from anywhere as long as I have my laptop..."

"Castle."

"And when I look into the future, I see us..."

"Rick," she interrupts again, more steadfastly this time.

He stumbles to a halt. "What?"

"Where do you see yourself in five or ten years?"

"I just sa..."

"Not the answer you think I want to hear," she demands sternly. "I want your real answer."

Castle readjusts in his chair, takes his time concocting his reply. "With you," he begins, opting to start with what should be obvious at this point. "Married. Maybe a kid or two running around, if that's what you want. Hopefully still writing Nikki Heat."

Kate nods as the words rush over her, and it shouldn't surprise her, really, to know this about him. And yet, it does. Because it's the first time they've had a conversation this real about their future. And it's terrifyingly easy and completely overwhelming all at the same time.

"And now you're panicking," he adds.

"No," she says hastily. "I'm not. I just...I don't know if I want kids."

"Well, what do you want?" he presses, doing as she asked, holding her accountable.

"I want...to be married," Kate admits unsteadily, because up until recently, she hadn't even given any of this much thought, and now she's having this conversation with Castle, and...she trails off, shakes her head. "I don't know," she says at last, the words slipping out on a near-silent exhale.

"You don't know what you want?" Castle clarifies, things beginning to fall into place now. The reasons for all of her hesitation, her answer yesterday.

"No, no I...do," she explains hurriedly. "And I've always thought...I never wanted...but I do, Castle," she stammers clumsily, the words feeling so foreign as they roll off her tongue. Because she's never wanted this before now. Before him. "I want to marry you. And I see myself maybe becoming captain someday. Or a lieutenant." She shakes her head again, "I thought I wanted more than working here in the city, at the Twelfth, and maybe I still will someday. But that place is my home, Castle. And I can't imagine leaving."

"But you're not sure about kids," he repeats, just to be sure.

"Is that..." Kate closes her eyes against the pain, the words she's sure are coming.

"It's okay." She snaps her head up, eyes wide. "Being a father...it's the best thing I've ever done," Castle continues, features alight with memories. "And I'd love to do it all over again. But, Kate...I have Alexis. I was serious when I said that before. It's not a deal-breaker for me."

She breathes a sigh of relief, her heart unclenching in her chest, and only now does she realize just how important all of this is to her. How completely thankful she is to know that their ideal futures don't clash, that they could be melded together fairly easily.

She never thought it could matter this much. But it does.

She also never thought it would terrify her so much. But her heart is racing in her chest and her whole body feels shaky, and if just thinking about the future has her this twisted up, how is she ever supposed to actually live through it?

Kate doesn't know how much time has passed when Castle's words break through her troubled thoughts. "Why is this scaring you so much?"

She closes her eyes, drops her chin to her chest. It shouldn't surprise her that he could tell, that he could hear the tremors in her voice and read the edges of panic brimming in her eyes. But she thought she was doing a decent job of hiding it.

"Because I've never had to do this before."

"Talk about the future?"

"Think about it," she admits, forcing her eyes up to his even though it goes against every instinct she has. "I was a detective, and I had a case to solve. And that's what I wanted."

"You can have more than that, Kate."

"I know," she acknowledges. "Now, at least. And I want that."

"Say the word..."

"I know," Kate repeats, though she's still not convinced it really can be that easy. "I know, Castle."

He nods, seemingly at ease, at least for now.

"I'm sorry," Kate says after a long moment. It feels like the millionth time she's said the words in the last two days, and yet it still doesn't feel like she's said them enough.

She's not sure she can ever say them enough.

"For what?" Castle asks, and her heart leaps, because it's the first apology of hers that he's actually acknowledged since this whole mess started.

Kate drops her head sadly, crossing her arms more tightly across her chest. "Asking so much of you," she says after a minute. "Being so selfish. Taking so long to figure out how to do this."

Silence falls as he digests her words, and Kate wiggles her foot back and forth apprehensively, nervously awaiting his reply. The quiet drags on and on, her level of panic rising with each passing second, until she wants to reach out and shake him, force a response from his mouth.

"Promise me something," he says after an extended minute.

She tilts her head.

"Let me help you," Castle offers. "I've been divorced twice, Kate. I don't know how to do this either."

Kate nods, the edges of a smile spreading across her face, hope blossoming in her chest. He still hasn't accepted her apology, per se. And she still has a lot more making up to do. But it's a start, a promise to work through this as a couple.

And it's the lightest her heart has felt in days.


Thoughts?